Mil favours step-daughter

[Poppy420]

This is my first post on here, i just need some advice as i feel like my head will explode.
To give you the run down, when me and my man met he already had a daughter who was 2 at the time and i had a son was was 3 and a daughter who was almost 2.
We've been together almost 5 years now and have a son together who will be 3 in october.
It's been a rough ride making sure everything is fair and that none of them miss out. My family took his daughter on asif she was mine and has always treated her as such. But she doesn't live with us and the other 3 do.
My partners mum dotes on her. Takes her on holidays and fancy days out leaving out the other 3. At Christmas she brings 1 present each for my 2 but saves loads at her house for my youngest and my step daughter.
It makes my blood boil that she doesnt care about leaving them out, she doesnt care that she's the only person in the kids lives that makes it unfair.
My step daughter will come and brag about the things she's done with mil, upsetting my 2 kids..
She wanted to take my youngest on holiday with step daughter, i said no because of how it would make my other 2 feel...its discusting.
My partner confronted her about it n all she cause say is that she was past caring.
I am angry and upset. I feel powerless. I've even thought of leaving my partner over all this, thinking my children would have a happier upbringing without all this bull.
It's not their fault they aren't his kids.
Thank you in advance for any feedback, I'm goin mad here

Oh for goodness sake, it’s not prejudiced to say that they’re NOT HER GRANDCHILDREN! Yes they’re part of a wide extended family but so are nieces and nephews for example - is it prejudiced that I take my children on holiday but not my sisters’?! Children are born to two parents and unless those are the same two parents then there will be differences! I’m just saying that people who blend families have to be realistic about that. My father saves money each month for my children. If I remarried and had step children then of course he wouldn’t do that for them. They wouldn’t be his grandchildren! I actually think the MiL in this situation is being thoughtful by keeping most of her grandchildren’s presents at her house and not taking them all round to the home that the grandchildren share with other children as she is sensitive that they are just kids and may be sensitive to different presents and not understand why. But she probably can’t afford to buy the same for all and why should she?!

This whole thing comes down to money. You are pissed off that your partner’s mother doesn’t spend as much money on your children as she does on her biological grandchildren. There are posters who suggest she is a terrible person for doing this so I ask them, do you expect her to leave money in her will to children who aren’t related to her biologically? There is also much made of SMS being expected to treat everyone the same. So here’s some more questions. Does the OP spend exactly the same on her step children as her own children? Will she be leaving her half of her joint estate to her DP’s children? Or will she be taking into consideration the fact they aren’t biologically hers?

OP, it is sad for your children that their father isn’t present but that isn’t your MIL’s fault or responsibility. Indeed, she had no say in you and your children being a part of her life. She has accepted you and your children but that isn’t enough for you? Why are you not angry at your ex and his family for their disinterest? What are you personally doing to bridge the gap you perceive exists for your children? How has having an additional child impacted on what you are able to give your other children? Do you believe it is your in-law’s responsibility to bridge a gap between your children and their biological grandchildren? If so, why?

It is prejudice you are touting here.

You are not touting inclusivity. You are touting exclusivity.

There is no real reason as to why the children can not all be given an equal amount of presents and treated equally. Yes I understand days out and holidays might be a bit of an ask due to expense. Other than that, who cares if the kids are not blood related to her or not. They are just little children for goodness sake!

Thank god your breed are dying out like the dinosaurs did. I hope your kids do not carry on your prejudicial beliefs.

TwentyEight12 I find your post an odd and frankly highly inappropriate use of the word prejudice. I can only assume that this is all quite close to home for you and as a result you’re trying to use very emotive language to somehow shame me for not agreeing with you. Clearly we don’t agree on this issue and that’s absolutely fine, but let’s not pretend that it is prejudice to acknowledge any differences between biological grandchildren that you have known and loved since birth, and step grandchildren that came into your life much later and have their own extended family. That’s life and human nature so please don’t insult victims of genuine prejudice by comparing the situations. Anyway, that’s enough for me!

No it’s not life and it’s not human nature.

It’s your personal beliefs and ideas about life and human nature. Not every human being shares your beliefs. Not every human being shares your ideas. Not every person shares mine.

I don’t care what you personally think or feel about my post.

I care about not spreading your idea of prejudice about on this site.

I also don’t buy into your lame attempt to project some psycho babble about my personal circumstances. It doesn’t wash with me.

I don’t think this should be an issue to leave your H over and I can understand why this makes you unhappy. No Mum wants their children to feel left out. When their hurt, we hurt. My parents used to buy my SD Christmas presents and birthday presents. They have one BGS. They didn’t spend the same and I wouldn’t have expected them too. Both children have other grandparents, family etc so it did even out. There was no jealousy or expectation from any of the adults at this point. However they stopped buying her presents on my request when she turned twelve for other reasons. But they always tried very hard to get something nice/special for her which my H always appreciated.

I think blended families are very individual, lots of dynamics, what’s right for one in this scenario won’t necessarily work for others. I can’t make my mind up if it’s unfair or not if I’m honest. MIL does sound like she has abit of an attitude about it. Could that be just making it more hurtful to you?

The two parents involved have decided to blend their families together. Both have children from previous relationships and one child together.

The MIL on the man’s side has decided she doesn’t like the idea of blending and wants to do her own thing instead, which is to favour the two blood related children.

Fair enough. Only in the UK, grandparents are not considered to have any automatic legal rights to contact or visitation to the grand children. She only has access to any of the children because the parents are allowing her to have it.

So perhaps this Grandma is playing a fairly precarious game by favouring the blood grand children over the non blood grand children in the blended family dynamic. Only the parents will decide if and when they think what she is doing is ok by them.

They aren’t her grandchildren though. They have their own family.

She gets them small gifts which is all I would expect. She’s under no obligation to do anything whatsoever.

Your kids aren’t her grandchildren, why should she take them on holiday? Presumably your two have your own parents as grandparents. It doesn’t matter that you and your partner try and treat all the kids equally- you should but they are NOT her grandchildren, they are your kids.

If you and your partner split she’d probably never see your kids again anyway.

I'm shocked! Loads of responses saying it's ok as she's not the biological grandmother.

Could you imagine the flaming a step mum would get if she said she was going to treat her step kids differently to her own as they're not biologically hers?

Unbelievable!

@icecreamandcandyfloss - I've seen comments from you attacking step mums for exactly what you've said is OK as a step grandmother? WTF?

@Myfeetarekillingme

I’m glad I’m not the only one who has spotted the disparity.

I think there’s an important difference between step parents and step grandparents in that the step parents actively choose to take on that role and have chosen make a commitment to someone else’s children because that’s the right decision for their own life and enables them to have a relationship with the person that they love. However, even then there is still usually no expectation of replacing the biological parent so even step parents have to tread carefully in terms of treating are children as their own. The difference with grandparents is that they haven’t had any say over the step children becoming part of their family, have perhaps not had as long to get to know them and have a bit of catching up to do on that front. They also don’t have the motivation of the romantic partnership with the child’s parent which is the impetus for the step parent to make the blended family work. So for those reasons I just think some understanding needs to be extended to a step grandparent who hasn’t immediately swept up another child and held them as equals to their own grandchildren, simply because of the relationship that their own adult child has entered into. They may need a bit more time for an appropriate relationship to develop at its own pace, also being mindful of the existence of the step child’s own extended family (although I recognise that they aren’t very present in this particular case).

I also think that an important point has been made in that, should the relationship fall apart, the step grandparent is highly likely to never see the child again whereas this is much more unusual with a biological grandchild. So there may well be an element of caution in becoming attached to a child that could disappear at any moment. I know biological grandparents have no automatic legal right to contact with their grandchildren but unless the relationship with their adult child breaks down, they should still see the child via them.

So I just think that there are some subtle but very important differences which may be influencing this grandmother’s approach.

My DSDs mother would have an absolute fit if I “treated DSD as my own” by co-sleeping with her, wiping her bum for her, disciplining her, making medical decisions for her etc.
I have been warned that that very same woman will also have a fit if she ever discovers that I am not “treating DSD as my own” in my will - I am leaving what I have to my own child only.
What’s a step mum to do? I treat DSD kindly and, as my sons sister and my husbands child she is very much at the heart of all big decisions we make as a family. But she’s still not my child so I don’t treat her like she is. I have carved myself more of a “fun auntie” type role and it works for us. I would not call myself her step mum anywhere else but on MN.
Why should a step grandmother be obliged to tie herself in knots in the same way? She clearly doesn’t see herself filling a “step grandmother” role and I don’t see why that should be the expectation of her. What’s wrong with the “kind auntie who brings gifts” slot? I wouldn’t poison the relationship she does have with the kids by pressuring it to the point where she’s “past caring”.

Some people on this thread are seriously deluded. @Rainycloudyday, you speak the most sense, you are also a realist.

Blending families and all that that entails, is all on the two people who have chosen to do this.

I made it my life mission never to allow a child feel like that, no matter what Well, OP if this were true, you wouldn't have taken the steps and decisions you have.

Kindly, you are victimising yourself and victimising your children. Focus on what YOU can do for them and provide for them. The mother of your children's step father is under no obligation to them, at all. Not morally, not financially.

It is time people stopped imposing their children on others. If people choose to step into a certain role, that's up to them.

But getting upset over a situation that your MIL didn't create is pointless.

@Rainycloudyday

I think all your posts are so right and spot on.

Blood and biology may not mean anything to some ppl, but it does to a lot of ppl and it's really important to have realistic expectations where stepchildren are concerned.

Why should GPs have the forced expense of buying gifts for children they had no say on being any part of their lives.

As long as they aren't unpleasant and don't flaunt the gifts in front of the your step children...that's okay.

It's not always that easy to bond with a child you've not known all their life.

...and before pp talk about adopted children as is often the case, it's not the same and isn't comparable to a stepchild.

This is so true.

People on here always seem so quick to jump into new relationships when there are kids involved, immediately have more kids and just bulldoze ahead with this blended family ideal that is totally unrealistic. It seems to me like often people pressure everyone around them to treat all kids exactly the same because they are desperately trying to pretend that the children are all biologically from the latest relationship because that’s what they wish was the case.

@TwentyEight12

May I ask if you have any children? And if you do, did you adopt or opt for your own biological children? Do you treat your own children/step children in exactly the same way as you treat other children in the extended family?

You are welcome to ask. I’m not commenting though. I’m all too well aware of what will happen on this thread regardless of what I write down.

This post is not about me or my personal history.
It’s about a woman in a blended family dynamic struggling with finding peace and/or a solution to a different set of treatment to her children by another family member because they don’t all have the same father. Some agree that it’s fair and some agree that it isn’t. Personally, I would ideally like to see as few barriers as possible between people as personally I feel that division only causes conflict and conflict causes upset and hurt. I’m well aware that isn’t reality but it doesn’t stop a person from believing or hoping.

So in believing and hoping, would you hand on heart alaways spend the same on your step children as you do your own child and will you have the same expectations of your parents as you do the OP’s partner’s parents? Because if you go down the ‘treat the same route’, it has massive consequences when it comes to Wills and inheritance.

Yes hand on heart.

Does it actually depend on the quality of your relationship with the child?

I think you're projecting your disappointment onto the wrong person. She's not their grandmother. You need to push their Dad and his parents to step up and do more with his children.

What about inheritance in the future? Will it upset you if Grandmother only leaves money to her biological grandchildren?