Mil favours step-daughter

[Poppy420]

This is my first post on here, i just need some advice as i feel like my head will explode.
To give you the run down, when me and my man met he already had a daughter who was 2 at the time and i had a son was was 3 and a daughter who was almost 2.
We've been together almost 5 years now and have a son together who will be 3 in october.
It's been a rough ride making sure everything is fair and that none of them miss out. My family took his daughter on asif she was mine and has always treated her as such. But she doesn't live with us and the other 3 do.
My partners mum dotes on her. Takes her on holidays and fancy days out leaving out the other 3. At Christmas she brings 1 present each for my 2 but saves loads at her house for my youngest and my step daughter.
It makes my blood boil that she doesnt care about leaving them out, she doesnt care that she's the only person in the kids lives that makes it unfair.
My step daughter will come and brag about the things she's done with mil, upsetting my 2 kids..
She wanted to take my youngest on holiday with step daughter, i said no because of how it would make my other 2 feel...its discusting.
My partner confronted her about it n all she cause say is that she was past caring.
I am angry and upset. I feel powerless. I've even thought of leaving my partner over all this, thinking my children would have a happier upbringing without all this bull.
It's not their fault they aren't his kids.
Thank you in advance for any feedback, I'm goin mad here

You need to focus on building the connection the rest of their own biological family , not just their father, so they don't loose out.

Why are you trying to pretend that MIL is their GP? She isn't and its lovely that she purchases them a gift at all. Surely they have their own relatives and are aware that they have a different dad and GPs? You're making it an issue which is probably more upsetting all round as well as quite ungrateful to MIL. I'm not surprised she's past caring.

we dont go on any days out or do anythin special when step daughter isn't here just so its fair.

From your update is sounds like your partner pushes for his daughter never to be left out, but doesn’t care that your children are missing out and constantly waiting around for DSD to be able to do anything fun.

Would you feel able to say to your partner that you’ll be taking your children to (whatever fun thing) as it’s not fair for them to miss out because DSD isn’t there?

I get the feeling your partner is controlling and there’s more going on here which is why you’re feeling like leaving. It’s ok to leave a relationship if you’re unhappy/ if you feel your kids aren’t treated equally or for any reason at all.

Regarding your MIL, I can guarantee you that if I had a child of my own my mum would never treat DSD differently to her bio-grandchild as thankfully she’s not a nasty bitch.

If you do decide to stay with your partner I would suggest:

-never let your kids miss out because DSD isn’t there.
-take your kids on special days out as it’s important for them to have time with their mum doing fun things.
-limit the time your kids spend with MIL
-if DSD is bragging that she got to do something with Nana and they didn’t tell her off. It’s cruel and unkind.
-explain to your kids that although you treat all the kids the same whether or not they’re related to you by blood, sadly not everyone is like that.

Yes it does seem very unfair that your dh isn't treating your children equally or fairly but expecting everyone in your family to treat dsd as if she were yours. I think that needs dealing with first.

But how is this your DPs fault?

He can't force MIL to feel differently towards children she is not related to and has not known all their lives. And she does make an effort with them, just not to the extent that she does with her DGD.

All you can do is hope for kindness, and it sounds like she is kind - she does buy your children presents. Just not as many as her biological DGD who she has known all her life, who she is close to and goes on holiday with. Do you really think it would be reasonable to expect her to take the other 2 as well, and pay for them?

I honestly think you are expecting too much of her, wanting her to replace the kids paternal family who do not make much of an effort. That's not her fault.

Hmm it’s jard but you can’t focr her to feel like a Granny to children that aren’t hers?! Surely they have their own Granny anyway? It sounds as though she does buy them gifts, she just buys extra for her grandchildren. It’s jusg the nature of broken and blended families. You can’t treat everyone the same so you just have to treat everyone nicely and be as loving as you can. Her first DGC doesn’t live with her Dad and yet your children do... can you see how that is unfair in itself?

Op you are still ok to take your children on days out when your dsd is with her grandma.

It’s your youngest DS I mainly feel sorry for. He’s just as much her grandchild as his older sister is, so when is she going to to start showing him some attention?

Regarding your other two children, I do get where you’re coming from because they don’t have grandparents if I’ve read that correctly. But the fact is they are not her grandchildren and I can see both sides of the argument.

I think to some grandparents, to them fair is getting all of the children a packet of sweets or taking them all for a trip out to the park. But the bigger things they wouldn’t consider the stepchildren. I think this is maybe where your dp’s mum is at. But if she’s not really bothering with your ds then I’m starting to think there is more to it and she’s overcompensating. Now that’s what would be making my blood boil.

I don’t really blame you for wanting to split with your partner.

Oh, it’s another DH problem one. Your family should be able to do things with your DC and not have to include step-DD in everything. Obviously only when she is not with you.

I cannot believe the number of posters who think the mil behaviour is ok. Thank God my kids step grandad does not behave like this. Yanbu op but please don't end your relationship over this, better to try to resolve things with the mil although I don't know how. Wish I had better advice really.

Rise above this please if you can.

On the whole people don’t treat others all equally, I’m afraid. It’s not right and it’s not fair but it is a fact.

I wouldn’t break up the stability you have looking for an ideal that 99% of the time does not exist.

Your children are loved by you and your partner. Let that be enough.

Please step away from the MIL scenario as it sounds like you have become so entangled in it that it is colouring your view of everything.

As your children grow up, they will experience firsthand what it’s like to not be favoured by some and favoured by others. They will experience it in friendship groups, at work, on sports teams, by neighbours and on. This sounds harsh but it is true. This is the reality of life.

It doesn’t mean that they won’t be happy or lead less fulfilling lives than anyone else.

Sounds like a normal scenario for a blended family tbh.
I don't think she is doing it out of spite, just remember that no one will care or treat your children (step or otherwise) the way that you do. She hasn't known them for their life and likelyhood is if you and DP broke up she wouldn't see the middle two anymore. Maybe she's just being realistic.
It sounds harsh but these are the type of things that happen in blended families. People don't always realise how it's coming across...

You're expecting a lot from MIL, but their own blood grandparents aren't stepping up.

Just because your OH takes your kids as jus own, does not mean your MIL has to or us obliged to do the same.

Why should she take 4 DC on holiday...when 2 are not hers?

You are letting your DS get deprived and he will end up resentful as he gets older, because his Nan takes his sister away and not him.

It's unreasonable to expect relatives all round to take on SC as nieces, GC, etc...

Token presents for your DC is fine.

I find this bitterness comes when your own children don't have decent blood GPs... because if they did, your DC wouldn't be missing out would they.

Children in blended families can expect fair treatment by their parents.. but not beyond that.

Thank you vasya, and thank you everyone for your feedback and advice

Would you expect her to leave something in her will for your DC? And consider it unfair if she didn't?

If you are considering breaking up with your partner over this then it's obviously not a very committed relationship. Perhaps your partner's mother has picked up on that.
So break up. Find someone else to take on your three kids and see if the new guy's mother thinks of your kids as her grandchildren. Good luck with that. Meanwhile one of your kids will have visitation with his father and the others won't and you will be crying Not Fair over that.

You and your OH treating all the kids the same is fair enough, but expecting the exge des family to do the same isn't.

You are annoyed mainly because your 2care losing out but what if they weren't? What if their father was seeing them regularly and his parents were super rich and spoiling your two? Then it would be unequal but there's nothing your OH could do about it.

Sadly kids in this situation can't expect everything equal by everyone. What matters is that both you do so. You MIL is making an effort by bringing presents to everyone, so she's not excluding your two. Saying that, maybe you could make a point of the other treats staying at hers. Holidays, why not, but then maybe you could use the same time to take your two somewhere special to them.

Its ridiculous that your DC miss out on doing stuff if DSD isnt with you! When DSD is having fun elsewhere then there is absolutely no reason why your 3 cant have fun too. Poor kids.

**Of course she feels differently about them. You need to focus on teaching your children to find self worth outside of what other people give them”
^^This. Your Mil should absolutely be kind to them but they are simply not her grandchildren. Having said that I so understand your hurt. However it just isn’t realistic.

I totally understand this, have a similar situation but my mil favours my step daughter over our son, both biological grandchildren. It hurt me initially , even put a post on here to ask advice, but you know what, fuck it, children don’t need anyone in their lives that don’t make an effort for them, my son has my side of the family and they love him unconditionally.
My friends think it’s an age thing - that an older child is just more simple to have for the day, take out , feed than my much younger son.
But say wait until SD is teenage and is too cool to stay at grandmas , and then they’ll come fussing around my son and he’ll have no interest !

Don’t get too worked up about it , let her do what she’s doing and your kids will notice and eventually make their own mind up about her. Let your partner see what she’s doing - always be the nice one in the situation ..... and ultimately I’m sure your children have many other family members that love them , they don’t need one person

My friends think it’s an age thing - that an older child is just more simple to have for the day, take out , feed than my much younger son.

I used to think this, but now that my children are now older they still don’t get a look in. It’s still all centred around the older ones, who are now teenagers. So it doesn’t necessarily get better.
Like you said though, fuck it.

I don’t always think age is a good excuse though to be honest. Because my parents have made time for all my children right from being babies. Sure, as grandparent you don’t have to take a baby out to somewhere an 8 year old will enjoy, but you make additional effort to see the baby and include them as they get bigger. But for some grandparents, particularly if the older child is from a first marriage, the younger children are seen as too much effort.

My daughter's MIL is the same she favors her 2 grandaughters over her little grandson (who is also my grandson) I make up for it by buying him treats and giving him lots of attention. What my daughters MIL doesn't realise is because of this her son and my daughter as now going to move closer to me - serves her right for being so unfair.

are now going to

I'm a single parent and if I met someone and blended a family I would find odd if his mother expected to be called Nanna and acted as such. My son already has 2 grandmothers so doesn't need another one.

People on here always seem so quick to jump into new relationships when there are kids involved, immediately have more kids and just bulldoze ahead with this blended family ideal that is totally unrealistic. It seems to me like often people pressure everyone around them to treat all kids exactly the same because they are desperately trying to pretend that the children are all biologically from the latest relationship because that’s what they wish was the case. I think it’s mice that your MiL is buying a gift for your children-and in her position honestly that is all I would do. If my child became a step parent I would be friendly to the child and buy them token gifts but they wouldn’t instantly become an adored equal to the child that is biologically related to me and whom I have known since birth. Sorry if that makes me a heartless bitch to many people on here but that’s the truth and I suspect most people would be the same. A lovely close step grandparent relationship may develop naturally over time and that would be lovely, but it certainly wouldn’t be helped by the parents involved pressuring the situation and throwing tantrums. Grow up and accept that your life decisions are complicated, blended families are complicated and there are some damn good reasons why many people refuse to enter into them.

Rainycloudyday - I think your post is a fabulous example of the fundamental issue, which I see as prejudice.

Prejudice regards being biologically/blood related or not and thus conditional treatment based on this.

I think there are probably heaps of happy Step and blended families out there all going about there business, it’s just that it’s either working out for them or if not, they aren’t consulting this site in their personal matters. I wouldn’t say MN is representative of the blended/step family demographic as a whole. I would say it’s representative of some of the same issues these demographics face. However, the ones that are working out quite happily and we don’t hear about or from, probably have a much lower level or absence of prejudice in their family nucleus.

Thus... life is a much happier experience for them, I’d say.