Page 7 | Holidays

HotChocolateLover · 2019-08-07T16:19:14+00:00

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer. I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out. Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Fontofnoknowledge · 10/08/2019 16:34

Bollocks it's about time sotiredofthislife . Reverse the situation. If your kids had no holiday, their step siblings had a safari in Africa and yours had a month at their dads at home.. doing not much would they be happy???

Sotiredofthislife · 10/08/2019 16:50

Just wow. You should perhaps live my kid’s lives and see how you feel then, eh? Perhaps laugh in their faces and see what that does to them? They would love to spend quality time with their dad. Only it doesn’t happen ‘cos he’s too busy evading maintenance payments, buying property abroad and living it up with his ‘new’ family. But in your world that makes them ‘spoilt’.

If the step siblings go on Safari with their family, I am not sure there is anything else to be said about that, is there? If the step siblings get 5 holidays with their dad, still nothing to say. Neither their dad nor I could afford that. That’s life. Some of us have more than others. On the other hand, if my ex is paying for said safari, going himself and refusing to take his other children because they spent a week in a cottage with me, yeah, that would be unreasonable.

What a bunch of absolute witches.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/08/2019 16:53

You present a very extreme situation there @Sotiredofthislife - I'm not sure that any of us 'witches' are saying that particular scenario is ok

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 16:55

Clearly there are much bigger issues at play tired your situation is hardly comparable to any of ours but hey we are witches so what do we know!

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 16:56

That’s life. Some of us have more than others

Exactly.

AE18 · 10/08/2019 16:59

You're not being very objective @Sotiredofthislife. Yes that is awful and if your kids feel unloved by their dad and just want to spend quality with him then that is incredibly sad, nobody would disagree with that.

But it is very naive to tell someone who's literally describing how their step child moaned through the whole trip because it wasn't good enough and they weren't spending enough money, and then said that they didn't want to go on such a boring holiday again, that it is all about the quality time. Kids can be incredibly materialistic and a great many kids who have an otherwise excellent relationship with their non resident parents in which they do many nice things would be primarily upset to have missed out on an expensive trip, more than upset to have not spent quality time with their parent. Otherwise they would be just as sad at not seeing them at home, as well as on an expensive holiday.

Chloecoconut · 10/08/2019 17:22

We have invited my SC to come away (abroad) with us for the last 4 years. Every time SC has declined the offer. We’ve still gone ahead with our holiday plans as we don’t see why the rest of us can’t go just because SC doesn’t want to go.

Toronto70 · 10/08/2019 17:24

My H is a great dad -no maintenance evading here, or foreign property purchases- in our case his D is a spoilt brat. I’m not being cruel! It’s a fact! And her mum can lavish expensive holidays on her as much as she likes but I won’t, because she doesn’t deserve them. This little girl swam with dolphins and said “it was ok I suppose but I couldn’t have an icecream after”. My son is lovely and grateful and deserves a holiday. I can’t do a dolphins but I can ice creams and she’s not hanging around to spoil it. So don’t feel too sorry for her, she’s going to New Zealand soon or was it NewYork 🤔. Now where did I put my wand 🤭

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 17:35

I think some posters have been reallt disrespectful towards people who have been on the receiving end of been excluded on a family holiday with their DF, their opinions and feelings are very much important and valid than those who think it's ok to do this.

Personally my DS had two holidays to Turkey this year. One with me and our family unit and one with his father,SM and sibling in their family unit. The fact of the matter is he is part of both family units. My dc were not the bit bothered DS went away with his DF and they got present back, they understand he was spending quality time with his DF. By DS spending time with his DF he is a part of their family unit which includes holidaying the same with our family. Those are the memories they cherish as they get older, ds will have those memories with both his mother and father. Theres always pros and cons with having split parents two of everything but that comes with the terrority you wouldn't not get a birthday present because the other parent will be getting present it's the same for holidays in my opinion. My DS DF wouldn't dream of excluding from a family holiday, the same goes for our unit.

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 17:40

Ah right so our opinions arent valid now then?

And your younger kids understand that they dont get 2 hols... but it wouldnt be ok for your oldest to understand that he might not always get 2 holidays and thats ok too?

Its not like its 1 on 1 quality time with his dad either which is apparently what step kids need according to mn.

Deemail · 10/08/2019 17:49

Your ds will be 17 op, have you spoken to him about going away with just you two? At that age he may prefer the company of the other two. Also if he does want to go this may well be his last holiday with the family as a "child" anyway.
I'm not sure what I'd do because your ds shouldn't miss out but I'm not sure it'd be beneficial to the step kids to know they weren't invited on their dads family holiday.
I think it's important to get this right as given the ages of the older kids there won't be many more holiday opportunities and you don't want to end family holidays on a sour note.
Your ds is working, would there be any chance you and he could save and go on a short break separately doing something he likes? Or could you all do a series of short cheap breaks, you and your ds, dh and his dc and a couples break for you two?

Toronto70 · 10/08/2019 18:01

Come on now, there is no disrespect. I think it’s really unfair if kids don’t get away for a holiday. But I just won’t take my SC because she’s a pain in my butt. People shouldn’t feel guilty that’s all if that’s your choice. Some people it’s about money, others it’s time, I’m -if I’m honest- neither right now, I’m just selfish. The OP shouldn’t feel bad if that’s her choice for whatever her reason is. It’s defo ok to exclude, if it’s the right thing to do. It can’t always be about one person and in MY case it was always about that one person. Not anymore.... and now I’m free. Oops I tripped over my cauldron

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 18:28

I think peoples experiences from being that child or dealing with upset children are valid yes. I disagree with exclusion, I'm a mum to three my dh is dad to three we holiday as a family of 5. The same as my ex holidays as a family of 4 with ds included. To turn round and say you cant afford to holiday with existing dc is mean why further you're family beyond your means? Theres plenty of holidays suitable for larger families sometimes that means you dont holiday every year. DS has been away more with his DF just because they both work full time. We have more DC and with maternity etc we haven't been able to holiday as regular however when we have DS has been included.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 18:30

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Ds does get two of everything however he also doesnt get both his parents leaving under one roof. I would much prefer having my parents together than going back and forth every week.

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 18:31

I never said their experience wasnt valid but you said it was more valid? Its not.

Its not always about cost either, is it?

Again though why should the bio child always be the one to miss out?

Nobody seems to feel sorry for them. Wonder why?

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 18:35

I would much prefer having my parents together than going back and forth every week

My parents split when i was really small and im so glad they did.
I wouldnt have been happier for them being together.

If you feel so badly about it why did you split with your husband?

People dont seen to realise that a lot of children are actually much better off and much happier than they would have been if their parents had stayed together. Dp was absolutely miserable with his ex. Would that have made for a happy childhood? No.

Does dss needs 2 sets of luxury holidays every year to get over it? No. Theres nothing to get over. Shit happens and if parents deal with it LIKE ADULTS there should be no hole that needs filling with money which is essentially what mners expect nrps to do.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 19:03

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl my ex left me for ow. My own parents have been together and it's nice seeing the family unit as one and not missing out things as a family. My DS was a baby so doesnt know any better but my other two dont have to split christmas they get to experience both parents on holidays and birthdays. There pluses and minuses but I dont agree with exclusion of existing dc.

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 19:05

own parents have been together and it's nice seeing the family unit as one and not missing out things as a family

Thats really nice for you but for a lot of children this is just not reality. When parents dont get along its not "nice" being all together.

Idealising families staying together "for the kids" is stupid.

Nobody has "excluded" anyone. Not taking a step child (who lets not forget will still have a holiday) on one holiday is not exclusion is it?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 20:11

We are going to have to agree to disagree

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 20:30

Or you could re think the idea that all nuclear families are happy ones and re think the idea that all blended families should work how you want them to.

3timeslucky · 10/08/2019 20:36

Not taking a step child (who lets not forget will still have a holiday) on one holiday is not exclusion is it?

But does the child see himself as the "step child" who is not going; or does he see himself as the child who is not going on holiday with his dad while his dad chooses to take his step children but not him?

It is very hard to make a call without knowing the child, relationships, security within the family/blended family, sensitivities etc.

My eldest has always had two holidays (one with his bio-dad and one with us (me, dh, 2 children). There have never been complaints that he gets two holidays. I think they see it as what happens if you have two dads which is not something they'd particularly like.

Good luck OP. Not an easy situation.

brightfutureahead · 10/08/2019 20:39

Ds does get two of everything however he also doesnt get both his parents leaving under one roof. I would much prefer having my parents together than going back and forth every week.

This mentality is so frustrating to read. I’m sorry, but why should children have to feel grateful just because their parents are together? This excuse is thrown about far too easily and it’s such a LAAAAZY argument!

I can tell you now for an absolute fact, that after recently coming out of a very bad relationship my children were absolutely no where near better off having me and their dad together. Their lives are so much better without their parents together and that’s a fact.

If anything, they were the ones who were worse off than their older sibling because their parents were together. My former sc lives a very full and privileged life and it’s an insult to say they were hard done by just because their parents were longer together. Far from it! At least my children’s lives can start to look up now.

I could give you a long list as to why children who live with both parents are not happy or better off....

brightfutureahead · 10/08/2019 20:39

Ds does get two of everything however he also doesnt get both his parents leaving under one roof. I would much prefer having my parents together than going back and forth every week.

This mentality is so frustrating to read. I’m sorry, but why should children have to feel grateful just because their parents are together? This excuse is thrown about far too easily and it’s such a LAAAAZY argument!

I can tell you now for an absolute fact, that after recently coming out of a very bad relationship my children were absolutely no where near better off having me and their dad together. Their lives are so much better without their parents together and that’s a fact.

If anything, they were the ones who were worse off than their older sibling because their parents were together. My former sc lives a very full and privileged life and it’s an insult to say they were hard done by just because their parents were longer together. Far from it! At least my children’s lives can start to look up now.

I could give you a long list as to why children who live with both parents are not happy or better off....

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/08/2019 20:47

while his dad chooses to take his step children but not him

Or bio children

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/08/2019 21:25

Joan you can argue till your blue in you're face but people are entitled to their opinions. I know plenty of people who would frown at a man excluding his biological kids in favour of step dc or the child they live full time. Sad thing is its normally the man who ends up excluding their existing dc in favour of their new dp and her dc.