Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Youre massively generalising. My dp doesnt live with step children. He lives with his biological child. And again its hardly exclusion, is it? Sometimes you have to think logically about these things instead of jumping to conclusions about exclusion and favouritism. And "new dp and her dc" is a bit offensive considering a lot of people posting here are in very LTRs or married and have joint dc.

If youre going to argue at least consider what youre actually arguing against.

Sad thing is its normally the man who ends up excluding their existing dc in favour of their new dp and her dc.

I would argue that it's usually the non resident parent (who is most often the man) that would go without them, because they are the ones that have to navigate life going on when the kids aren't there, and for whom sometimes doing things without their kids becomes the norm rather than something unimaginable.

It's not because dad's inherently care less.

@swingofthings what double standards?
Of course. So you'd have no issue at all if your OH said that you should go on holiday with him and his kids but tell your kids that they can't come because he and you can't afford to pay for them
I’ve said in this particular thread even that if my DP wanted me to come away with him and the SCs whilst my kids were already on holiday with their dad I’d not think twice... so I’m not sure what you’re doing other than grinding that axe again!
I quite often spend time with my SCs without my DCs being there because of my Ex’s changeable shift pattern. I think nothing of that because it’s normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

@swingofthings
OH yes they do! Not on this thread
So how is that relevant? Seriously it’s fuck all do to with this thread then isn’t it

I wont be reporting your post TheChain.
Swing is quite mild in comparison to some posters I’ve come across in the past on this topic. Some posters were truly horrific. But I know what you mean, when someone always has an axe to grind it can get very tiresome. I hope you don’t get banned.

And that post was on no way sticking up for swing by the way. Some posters have made me feel sick in the past but swing I just find more annoying. She’s like a fly that won’t go away Some posters in the past have been absolutely disgusting though.

With swing I did point out a few weeks ago a double standard on a thread. I wish I could remember which it was! She was going on about how it’s ok for the second child to be treated the way they were blah blah blah, and I said hang on a minute, if that was a first child she’d be the first person to shout about what an injustice it is. And I thought, how hypocritical are you?!

Maybe not the best example... I'm an expat and visit my family once a year. I usually take my DD with me next year we'll be visiting my family to also introduce our baby. It will be my DD, my DH, our DS and myself. His children aren't coming doesn't let them because she's concert of massive shooting. Nothing we can do about it and it would be unfair for my children to miss out on their family because their site/half siblings aren't allowed to go

I won't be reporting your post either @TheChain

I won’t be reposting @TheChain . I’ve found your posts very useful and it’s not that non-step parents shouldn’t respond but it gets very wearing when people constantly say mean ridiculous things.

@AE18 Read your post at 13.13 (I think) yesterday. Really resonated with me and helped to put a lot of things into context, especially about life going on whilst the SC aren’t here. Funny incident on Friday proved the point perfectly when DSD poo wouldn’t flush so we made her get a stick to break it up and clean the toilet. She kept yelling ‘I bet you never make DS do this’

In fact, we used to have a dedicated ‘poo stick’ (boak) at our old house because he would do foot long rubbery poos that wouldn’t break up or flush. No vegetables I suspect.

Trouble was, she never saw this and assumed special treatment 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ It ain’t happening.

Just to be clear DS was the one to wield the poo stick 💩 💩

Annnndddd my post was taken down 😂

I didnt see the post but i am going to assume that i would have agreed with it

Aww @TheChain I don’t think that’s very fair x

Okay, after reading most responses, this is the thing for me.

Say Ben has 2 kids (BCs) with Becca but is now with Mary. Mary has 2 kids of her own. These are Ben's stepkids (SCs). Becca pays for holidays which she takes with BCs. Ben makes minimal contribution to these although he pays maintenance. Ben can't afford to go on holiday with Mary and all 4 kids so he pays a substantial amount for a holiday for Mary and SCs with the thinking that BCs have a holiday with their mum anyway. This might be the only way previously single mum Mary can afford to holiday abroad regularly with her children.

Now it might be the case that Becca has a partner Tim who helps contribute towards that holiday. Maybe Tim doesn't have kids or is just wealthy enough for it not to be an issue. Either way, Becca landed on her feet, whether through luck or considered planning and Ben had the same opportunity to find someone who wouldn't need his financial support to holiday with her kids and could assume the cost of her and her children while he assumed the cost of him and his.

To me, if Ben cannot afford to contribute towards a holiday that includes all 4 kids, he shouldn't be contributing towards Mary's part of the holiday for her and her children. Mary and her kid's lifestyle shouldn't be improved by Ben unless he can include his own children in that enhancement.

Now maybe Mary can afford to pay for herself and SCs and Ben only has to pay his share. Still, I query the values of a guy who would opt to spend that money on special time with Mary and SCs when he doesn't have that time with BCs.

I think if Ben can't afford to include his kids and isn't contributing a significant amount towards the holidays BCs have with Becca, then he should let Mary go away alone with SCs and perhaps use the house to spend some quality time with BCs.

I'm a mother of 2 children who have different fathers and a step parent too

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl - I agree!

and isn't contributing a significant amount towards the holidays BCs have with Becca

Erm, what makes you think a man should be paying towards his ex’s holiday? Especially a significant amount.

Seriously - this thread is giving me a pain in my head. I don't think any of the naysayers are actually reading & processing what's being said.
NO ONE is suggesting that sc's go without. What we are saying is that a sm's dc shouldn't have to put their lives on hold just to pander to sc's 'hurt' that their df has parts of his life that may not always be able to include them. Those dc that you're all giving out about also have df's who have lives that don't always include them but you all conveniently IGNORE this fact.
By your logic @Kewlwife & others - is a man to also never go away with friends/other/family members/work colleagues by himself for fear of upsetting his dc???
I and many others have said that if our dc - getting a holiday on a certain year with us - were to then start moaning because their df took a cheaper option that year we'd tell them to stop being such entitled brats.
There is a MASSIVE difference between certain dads taking off & cutting dc out of their lives & the type of scenarios being discussed here which are dad's who see their kids plenty & who do holiday with them but who every now & then may want to take a holiday when their dc can't come along due to logistics or finances.
Furthermore, most women who do not have dc with their oh's tend to pay for the bulk of their kids holidays themselves - they don't expect their oh to pay for them, only for himself if he's coming along. If they do share dc with their oh then yes he SHOULD contribute, & he has as much obligation (financial & other) to these dc than he has to his first dc.
I am SO sick of the non resident dc being treated like the holy grail of divorce; that EVERYONE else's life has to go on hold to protect the fragile feelings of these poor wounded children. ALL children are wounded by divorce & it's up to us the adults to behave like adults & guide them through it as best we can.
Yes there are shit dads our there - but there are also shit mums out there & these shit mums do NOTHING to help their kids through divorce & blending - they just shit stir constantly, going on and on about how awful their dc's dad/sm are; how they're to blame for every woe in their dcs' lives & how life would be perfect if only their father & sm weren't so selfish!

But of course golden uterus mums are perfect & do no wrong & the rest of us are just evil.

And yes - why on earth should anyone contribute to their exes holiday even if it is with dc? Ffs - do you not understand what divorce means????

No I don't think it's okay to go away with friends or colleagues if you can't afford to holiday with your kids.

@brightfutureahead

I think he should contribute towards the kid's share of the holiday. Especially if he doesn't take them away. That might mean he pays towards long haul trips they take with their mum but can only afford city breaks in Europe for himself.

Oh for god's sake!
You don't put your entire life on hold just because you have kids!!! When did the adults stop being in charge & when did the kids start taking over?
Self sacrificing everything for your kids is a horrendous message to give them. "Hey kids - you're sooo important that I the adult, will subvert all my needs/wants just to keep you happy & indulged & give you everything you feel you want. I work really hard to put food on the table & to give you a good life but no I won't go on away on that citybreak with my sisters for a few days - a break I really could do with because I'm a mum & I also work outside the home - because I can't afford a holiday for us all this year, even though you my previous darlings are possibly taking a weeks holidays somewhere with your df"!
Jesus wept - it's no wonder there are so many snowflakes out there!

@Magda

Say Ben gets with Mary who has 2 kids of her own. Do you think Ben has an obligation to contribute towards the lifestyle Mary wants for her children? Is he obliged to help with holidays in the same way he was when he was with a partner and their biological children?

The way you mention divorce is as if now Ben is with Mary, other than legal maintenance, his money should be directed towards enhancing his current partner's lifestyle (and in turn, her kids) and the divorced party needs to accept that is part of breaking up. So if their mother can only afford Bournemouth (which I find pricey AF BTW) for a weekend, as long as Ben pays his maintenance, it's okay for him to go halves with Mary for a trip to Mexico with her 2 kids. After all, his kids have had a holiday with their mother and he gave them £20 each to spend while they were there. Would that sit right with you?