Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

@Kewlwife

I don't relate sexual consent to speaking about good times with an ex. Or any stuff which is to do with the fact exes often have intimacy and attachment that can outlive their romantic/sexual connection and all that other stuff. But I really think this belongs on a related thread. Not this one. I'm happy to start one later but need to think how to word it to cover all the issues that we've spoken about over a few threads. Please start one if you can get the words down and I'll contribute.

Yes I agree the ins and outs of polyamory are not directly relevant to this thread, however you have gone onto many threads to suggest that the solution to their problems is to all live in one big happy family, which many cannot and don't even want to facilitate. You have also gone so far as to call people petty for disagreeing, which is unempathetic to say the least as yours is the minority view.

My partner and his ex may have used to have intimacy but it doesn't fit into my requirements for a monogamous relationship (or his) for him to keep that intimacy alive in his new relationship, the memories should be filed into the archives of the past and to constantly (not occasionally) bring them up would be insensitive, again, to the average monogamous relationship. I certainly don't want to spend our evenings watching him texting away sharing fond memories of the time his romantic memories were with somebody else, for instance.

If he were single it would be up to him how much of an active part his relationship with his ex is in his life, but getting into a committed, monogamous relationship is not reasonable if he is not ready to put his relationship with his ex in the past, as I have done with all of mine.

There are many things you are ok with because of your lifestyle that a majority of people who are not polyamorous would not be comfortable with, and it's futile to keep telling people they are wrong to not be ok with these things.

Cant you see how your partner not being present is a Him issue and not a Them issue, though? If your partner spends what could be your quality time otherwise engaged,that's a partner issue. It doesn't really matter of that's a game, a drug, a person, or anything else they are choosing to do over nurturing your relationship.

You could have a really friendly relationship with your ex were you do talk about old times fondly or ask each other advice, and still be a present,loving and supportive partner.

Again that concept I spoke of there about being present with your partner and not wasting your quality time on other stuff/people has NOTHING to do with being poly. It's just good relationship skills, surely?

Never mind what the kids think the arrangement the adults have offered is a decent offer and should take it.

So what is your budget, here people are great at finding deals. I've paid £800 a head ai this summer (med cruise) but booked late

And there is more to life than having parents together. It’s not the be all and end all for children like adults seem to think it is. It shouldn’t ever be used as excuse for them missing out on other things in life.

Imagine explaining to your children:

“Sorry we can’t go on holiday this year. But it’s ok darling because you live with both of your parents. Now be grateful for that” MAKES NO SENSE

“You should be happy about not getting many days out because at least you’ve still got your parents together” MAKES NO SENSE

“Daddy spends all of his days off with your older sister but it’s ok for you because your parents are still together and even though you’re in bed when he finishes work during the week, you’re still technically in the same house as him every day so you’re not allowed to moan. Just be grateful mummy and daddy are still together” MAKES NO SENSE

None of those make sense , because the argument “your child has their parents together” is used as some sort of umbrella statement to shut down arguments why second children might be disadvantaged or missing out or sad. Like nothing else should matter because hey mum and dad still live under the same roof as them.
Can anyone see just how bad all that sounds? And sometimes, if the relationship is bad between mum and dad it’s even worse.

FINALLY.

This should go on a fucking t-shirt.

Courtney555 - yes it should. I have a print press and will post you one!

Please can I order one too!

Mums net t shirt prints of thread quotes... Business idea of the day!

It will have to be a big T-shirt but I want one 😂

we could make a fortune out of the ex wives club... we could sell them one that says "were you the OW?"

Oh this has made me laugh!
What I'd like on a T-shirt is:
"She's not allowed spend time with my children?/Why is she excluding my children?"

For some children, growing up with separated parents is no big deal, for others it is. I never minded my parents being divorced and never felt jealous or envious that my SS got to live with my dad FT. I knew how much my dad loved me and the place I had in his heart, so it wasn't an issue.

But I had friends of divorced parents who felt totally different. They felt that their dad were a big part of their lives until they left and started a new family and they became the bit on the side that joined the new family because it had to be.

Kids have to adapt to having separated parents and it's life. But so is a life without a fancy holiday abroad. Many kids don't get it for many reasons and are still happy children.

But people splitting is for the benefit of the children. People never taking their child on any holiday because of putting someone elses child first is not benefiting your child.

The issue here is that step children are entitled to everything and second family children should expect nothing. That, imo, is wrong.

Kids have to adapt to having separated parents and it's life. But so is a life without a fancy holiday abroad. Many kids don't get it for many reasons and are still happy children.

It’s funny how SC should always be awarded a holiday but if second children don’t get one “meh, that’s just life”.
Is that because their parents are still together?

It's because of the tendency of men especially to see their primary role as the father/provider/partner of the new family and a secondary figure to the kids from the previous relationship.

Do you know how many men and SPs think that giving the assigned amount of maintenance is adequate and basically all anyone can expect now they've split up is that he will do the best minimum.

There was a time in this country where if a woman "allowed" her marriage to get to a place where her husband divorced her, she was seen as inadequate and likely to be mentally unstable. Kids often went to their fathers or grandparents after a split. I think there are still echoes of this where a woman is supposed to expect that a guy won't be the dad he was post break up because that's a consequence of not being able to keep your man. Your kids lose some of their dad. Often to other people.

That's why people in these threads keep saying "but she's an ex" when it comes to things he could do as a co-parent to ensure his kids have the best quality of life their parents could give them.

When I split from DC1's dad, he could just about afford an ex-council flat to rent as it had to be local.

I earn and generally have more money than him and obviously our child will be there with him often. I could have thought of it as "well we are split up. It's even his decision to split. So this is his problem." But actually, my child will be there. My child deserves a good quality of life so I helped financially and practically to do the flat over completely (LL gave permission and a rent reduction). Yes it improved my exes quality of life too but it is my child who deserves the best we can provide as parents so we club together to do that.

After he moved out and it was a little while, he met someone and they were together a while. They split because when they spoke about settling down somewhere, she wanted it to be nearer to her parents where it would be only be feasible to have our child for longer periods, less frequently but that's not something he saw as a possibility. For him, he needs to be accessible to his child every day in case something happens. It's madness to him that he could be 100 miles away from his kid. That's not why he became a parent.

A few people said he was unrealistic and blamed me for pressuring him to stay. I didn't even know it was a discussion until he told me that he's definitely not going. They split soon after and he met someone else (his current partner and mother to his younger child) and they all live down the road. Closer to the school than me.

Stepchildren should be awarded everything at any detriment according to the Mumsnet ex wives club. The double standards of them acting like they have children's best interests at heart is laughable. Because they expect every accommodation as long as the child is theirs. But are so happy to allow the other children to go without as a consequence.

A child only counts if it's my child. That needs to go on their t-shirt.

While I think, the other children don't need a t-shirt or infact clothes at all, those greedy entitled second class citizens. Because y'know, there parents are still together

I think it's also quite obvious that if you have kids and split with their parent,you're going to have less money as you'll be responsible for your own accommodation plus have to give regular money towards the kids.

So say a couple already had money issues and now they've split, meaning they now don't even have the financial cushion of each other to depend on. Then the non-resident parent who is already struggling to contribute financially to an acceptable degree goes and starts a new family, I can see why that would be an issue and a person would start to "protect their own". I don't think it's okay for your kid to be sleeping in a bedroom with old tatty furnishings in their resident parent's home because you think you pay the assigned maintenance,don't live at the house any more so it's not your business. That's the things I have seen.

My step daughter's mum knows that we will help with house maintenance or decorating any time she needs it as one of our beloved children spends a great deal of time there and her and her mother deserve a lovely place to live.

So say a couple already had money issues and now they've split, meaning they now don't even have the financial cushion of each other to depend on. Then the non-resident parent who is already struggling to contribute financially to an acceptable degree goes and starts a new family, I can see why that would be an issue and a person would start to "protect their own". I don't think it's okay for your kid to be sleeping in a bedroom with old tatty furnishings in their resident parent's home because you think you pay the assigned maintenance,don't live at the house any more so it's not your business. That's the things I have seen.

My step daughter's mum knows that we will help with house maintenance or decorating any time she needs it as one of our beloved children spends a great deal of time there and her and her mother deserve a lovely place to live.

My ex didn’t give a shit about the state of the house my children lived in when we were together. It was always me making the effort, so I won’t be expecting any help now he’s gone. I don’t even want it. He’s useless and none idle when it comes to housework and DIY. In fact now that he’s gone I don’t have to deal with a man child making the house a mess and I can focus on making the house nice without having to answer to him on why I’ve bought something for the house. I’m sorry, but it’s not always first children who suffer at the hands of their father.

*bone idle

And to be honest, even if he was hard working and was good at DIY, I wouldn’t be expecting him to help me. It’s not a god given right to have your ex at your beck and call.

Wow the rage on here from both viewpoints is scary.
Op honestly it's really simple do what you think is best. If you think if my child. Was the step kid. Would I think this was fair, if yeah I would it's OK is the answer. Then crack on and do it.
Loads of nice cheap holidays etc to be had. It's lovely that you take the dsc away sometimes and that you take your own child too sometimes too. It's cool as everyone is trying to what's best. We all anrt perfect.

He's not helping you. He's giving your kids as nicer place to live as their parents can give them. Why do you see it as helping you?

@stucknoue Bless you, your comment is stuck in the middle of this irrelevant conversation so thanks. £800 per head would probably be at the top end of the budget for AI, especially if 5 were going but ideally it would be great if it were closer to £700 per head as it would leave room for some spends if we wanted a day or two out of the resort.