Husband's ex coming in the house?

[MichelleC69]

Don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive but my husband's ex always insists on coming into the house uninvited when she comes to pick the kids up. They're 12 and 18, it's not like they can't make it down the garden path on their own. It drives me nuts as the boys will faff around getting their shoes on and stuff together etc, taking ages, all the while she's stood there. I don't really want her in the house - it's not even as if she makes an effort at smalltalk or whatever, it's all really awkward.

So the other weekend when she turned up I knew they weren't ready, so I opened the door and said 'hi, they'll be out in 2 minutes' and then closed the door on her, thinking she would go and wait in the car. She didn't...she just stood there with the door closed in her face.

When I pick my daughter up from her dad's I call her to say I'll be outside in 2 mins and she just comes out - surely that's what most normal people would do??

Appreciate all the replies (even the judgy ones....) No, the kids didn't see me close the door on her. They were upstairs. And it's not like I slammed the door in her face. I politely said 'hi, they'll be out in a few minutes' and closed the door. I expected her to go and wait in her car like a normal person rather than standing there like a lemon.

Oh well. Nvm OP. Doesn't bad at all, other than she's used to walking into your house. She'll know for next time.

I’d make it more conscious. Ideally this needs to come from your oh, but she needs messaging to say from now on can she wait in the car and text, the kids will come out to her.

Yup no need for her to come in. I wouldn’t want to go into my exHs house to be honest... it’s my old house but definitely wouldn’t want to go in. It’s his space now.

Your house is your safe space OP and just because she happens to be DSCs mum doesn’t mean she has a right to be in it. It’s so weird in my opinion that people think a step parent should basically suck everything up in favour of harmony for the kids... personally I don’t think that’s fair at all.

Even if they didnt see you shut the door in her face, she could have told them later on.

It would have been better to say, they'll be ready shortly and come out to the car....then she would have got the message. The problem is this has been the pattern for a while and the first time you don't let her in, you choose to shut the door in her face...she must have been shocked hence she stood there.

If she's never previously experienced you as rude or aggressive, then your behaviour will have perplexed her.

With the benefit of hindsight would you have handled it differently?

I invite my DSD's Mum in. I don't really care about much in relation to her anymore (took a long time to get to this point mind...). If DSD is really dragging her feet, I'll offer her a drink.

She doesn't generally invite me into hers and I don't care about that either, I go there to pick up DSD far less than she comes here and I just don't get out of my car these days - it just feels more comfortable all round that way. I certainly wouldn't muscle my way in.

If you're not comfortable with it, I'd send her a polite text letting her know that. She absolutely doesn't have a right to come into your home.

Exh comes in when he drops DS off after contact days but I'm not allowed in his house cause his gf is usually there and she hates me for some reason so 🤷‍♀️ shame tho but apparently that's the way it is

Could you change the routine so she drops them off at yours (no need to come in) and then you take them home?

Failing that, if she's a bit vague about what time she'll arrive, can you get the dc ready, shoes on, bags packed and by the door and then they just sit and watch tv or whatever until you see her car arrive and then you speed them towards the door?

I wouldn't text her - she'll get off on knowing it bothers you.

@sandyy2k I honestly don't think you've ever commented anything on the stepparent chat that has been supportive of any stepparent. I've seen the most shocking treatment of a stepparent by an ex wife on here yet you always somehow manage to wriggle the narrative into one to attack the stepparent. It's quite a talent.
The OP and her DH don't want the ex in their house. There is clearly past behaviours from the ex, they are not friends. That's all there is to this. How patronising to ask what would you do differently in hindsight, I say that to my children!
OP you're doing the right thing, hopefully she's got the message.

@BasilFaulty

I'd like to know exactly which posts you're referring to, as I'm by and large an objective poster.

Many posters have said that to me and I absolutely never default to take sides purely in relation to whether the poster is an Ex wife or Stepmum.

Perhaps you're confusing me with someone else.

Show me the posts and we can see if I was the only poster who had a particular view based on the information presented.

If you're going to accuse me of being unsupportive, then you need to back it up.

Just last night I posted on a thread where the SM was struggling with her DSD who had come to live with them full time.

See my comments on the last page, when so many other posters were giving her a hard time.

@BasilFaulty

I've seen the most shocking treatment of a stepparent by an ex wife on here yet you always somehow manage to wriggle the narrative into one to attack the stepparent

Quite frankly, you're the one doing the attacking and I look forward to seeing anywhere I've treated a SM shockingly as you've stated.

Not once did I say the ex wife must be allowed in the house. On reading my post again, there is nowhere that I have been shocking to the OP.

I actually suggested a way to not have tje Ex wife come in more politely than shutting the door in her face.

Off topic, but I for one find @SandyY2K a very objective & fair poster.
Just saying.....

@MichelleC69 - what would happen if you said to her "The kids are nearly ready - if you want to wait in the car, I'll send them straight out to you"?

I think she would have a choice between agreeing, and going back to her car, or saying 'No - I'll come in and wait' - which would be pretty brass-necked and entitled but would give you the opportunity to say 'Sorry, but I am not comfortable with you doing that'.

I for one find @SandyY2K a very objective & fair poster.

Thanks for that @Magda72

I've noticed the same with your posts. You don't blindly defend SMs.... I know you're a mum and a stepmum with well balanced and thought out responses.

At the end of the day whether the mum is nice to us or not, whether there is past history or not. There are ways you can go about asserting your privacy without being rude, taking the moral upper hand if they have history of being rude to you.

No she shouldn't be walking in and out your house like she owns it. BUT shutting a door in someone's face is rude and I think there could of been a more polite way of going about it.

Also.. why does there always need to be sides? I think having a mixture of people adding their views to this board enables people to be more subjective and empathetic to the ex w or the sm

what would happen if you said to her "The kids are nearly ready - if you want to wait in the car, I'll send them straight out to you"?

This is a very good suggestion - thank you. Will try that.

No I wouldn't do anything differently in hindsight but thanks for that (and I'm not 12....)

The kids are nearly ready - if you want to wait in the car, I'll send them straight out to you"?

Sounds good, problem with that one though is that she might just say that's ok I'll wait in the hall until they're ready. Depends how cheeky she is. Should work on most polite people though!

If she is that cheeky, the OP can just say “Sorry, I am not comfortable with that” - no need to be tactful with anyone who’d be that rude!

Winner - she dropped them outside the house just now without insisting on walking them up the garden path like they're 2 yr olds. I reckon the message has landed

🙌🏻

Good news OP.

I also find Sandy pretty fair on step parenting issues. There are several other notable posters who are anything but and will take any opportunity to stick the boot in because they hated their own step parents or their ex’s wives/partners but unusually they haven’t all piled on here which is a rare treat

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius good point!

@MichelleC69 Glad to hear it :)

Not insecure or any of the other insults thrown about here . Just because she IS the ex it does not mean that she has a right to be in your house OP - same as any other person . You don't let all and sundry in . Your territory and your choice 100%. I am the same .

Ohh, the exes coming into the house, I've got 2 of those.

When SD was 9.5 and was spending Sun to Fri at our house during the summer, her mother who had to be in our town on Wed, decided that she will go visit her. So every Wed of the summer, she would tell DP that she'll come, nobody would tell me anything, and she would get a tour of our new house, usually with some friend of hers, happily talk to my DP, her daughter, my son, or any other guest we had at that moment, but pretty much ignoring me (other than a cold hello). Why the f#$% did she have to enter our house if she didn't feel good with me? My DP told me that she has the right to see her daughter whenever she wants and doesn't need my permission, that she was shy and I should have talked to her myself (I tried, but hard to talk to a person who never looks at you and just talks to others). This caused a lot of fights between us, but it never occurred to me to close the door in her face because I didn't want to upset SD. I was flamed on here a lot for being a wicked SM (by Sandy2K also), but I sucked up some shit from their mothers in order not to upset the skids. It was always done passively aggressively, so if I ever said something, I would be the bad one there. If they were agressive, I at least could have dealt with them the same way.

So in response to her visits, I started entering her house at pick ups (before I was respecting her territory) and she complained about it to someone we both knew. She would welcome my DP dressed up in a sexy satin night gown at 9 pm. I have seen her in sexy short dresses with cleavage (she was in her early 40s) without a bra...But I still never showed anything to my SD because I knew how much she loved her mother.

Ex#2, after a fight with me, tried to come to our house to pick up her son (she never did it before), 2 weeks after I gave birth, with her new boyfriend and his adult son whom I've never met, to meet our baby. It was allowed by my DP. We had a fight and SS (15 at that time) thought that I said that his mother had to wait in the car. He declared that he hated me and stopped talking to me (and coming over) for months. I basically had to apologize to her to keep the peace. Otherwise, I was the mean one who didn't understand that my DP and his 2 exes get along.

Honestly, the ex in your case seems harmless. She might be shy, not social and probably not responsible for her partner being rude to your DH. I do think that in your case, you could be a bigger person and not be affected by this, especially since your DH is on your side and that's the most important thing. Mine wasn't.