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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband's ex coming in the house?

105 replies

MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 13:10

Don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive but my husband's ex always insists on coming into the house uninvited when she comes to pick the kids up. They're 12 and 18, it's not like they can't make it down the garden path on their own. It drives me nuts as the boys will faff around getting their shoes on and stuff together etc, taking ages, all the while she's stood there. I don't really want her in the house - it's not even as if she makes an effort at smalltalk or whatever, it's all really awkward.

So the other weekend when she turned up I knew they weren't ready, so I opened the door and said 'hi, they'll be out in 2 minutes' and then closed the door on her, thinking she would go and wait in the car. She didn't...she just stood there with the door closed in her face.

When I pick my daughter up from her dad's I call her to say I'll be outside in 2 mins and she just comes out - surely that's what most normal people would do??

OP posts:
Miniloso · 03/06/2019 18:06

I probably would let her in, but only for the mental health of the kids. My exH and I are amicable because we didn’t want any more damage done to the kids.

Mintypea5 · 03/06/2019 18:13

I used to let my ex come in for a chat when we did pick up and drop off but he said to our shared DS "I don't want to see that man" meaning my DH who I met 4 years after ex left me for another women so now I don't let him in because he's rude.

He shuts the door in my face when I pick up DS if his Girlfriend is home which I find weird but I assume he told her I'm crazy or something so doesn't want us seeing each other. He obviously doesn't know if I see her out and about I always stop and say hi ask how she and her kids are etc

HerondaleDucks · 03/06/2019 18:37

I don't blame you. I wish I could do that but my dh ex comes here for contact with the kids. So twice a month she's here all Saturday afternoon. It's so cringe and she wanders all about too. I make excuses and leave the house on those days or hide upstairs with a book.

MammEEE · 03/06/2019 19:00

Yeah a text message asking for her to message when she's 5 mins away would probably be useful. And perhaps your DH can also tell her to knock and wait in the car or at the door and explain that it's awkward and unnecessary for her to come in as she's not even making small talk. There's absolutely no need for her to come in, sounds like she's just being nosey about your house

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:06

I think there are enough PPs telling you yanbu OP and that you can set different boundaries and ask for a text when she is bear so DC's can be ready.

You do what suits you.

If I was the DM, I'd be doing all that as be grateful if you let me in and chatted to me about DC's ... And if you had a BBQ on and asked me if I wanted nibbles is be socialising and introducing myself as mum of DC and that we got on great. Really that's what ought happen if there is no abuse or ill feeling.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:08

*near not bear. Sorry my phone doesn't recognise that word! Apparently I've been texting about teddy bears too much lately! (True)

cansu · 03/06/2019 19:08

I think you need to think about how your behaviour impacts on the kids. They will know that you shut the door on their mum and that her waiting in your kitchen or hallway for a few mins is an issue. You are creating an issue and tension where there doesn't need to be any. Think about the future. When the kids are adults you will likely as not be on here moaning that you aren't allowed to be at their weddings or at other family events. Make the effort and other occasions when you will need to be friendly and civil will be easier in the future.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:09

(DMs usually love getting on with SMs).

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:14

cansu that's true

It's a minefield for everything, graduation from uni, weddings, buying houses etc. If you can't make it work. I have no choice on that and I dread the future as I don't want my DC even when adults to be turn, but my XH is abusive and OPs isn't.

I wish that there was a perspective that some of us can give, that'd make it easier for others, SM and DMs and SDs and DDads so that they don't cause issues when they aren't insurmountable.

Abuse isn't like that and asides, that I do my best to suck it up as a survivor for my DC. I suspect I'll have to later on .

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:16

*torn not 'turn''

Greggers2017 · 03/06/2019 20:01

@IABUQueen oh I absolutely talk to her. She's a lovely step-Mum to my kids. And it is her house after all.

timelord92 · 03/06/2019 20:29

Op does she walk to pick the kids up? I don't understand at the ages the children are why she would need to physically come to the door if she was driving. Couldn't she wait in the car till they come out?

Also, how late do they go home because with the oldest being an adult couldn't they even possibly make their own way back home?

Original poster
MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 20:44

@timelord92 she drives, and they leave around 5.30 on a Saturday. She lives about a 20 minute drive away and there's no direct public transport to her house, it would mean the kids getting two buses to get home.

OP posts:
timelord92 · 03/06/2019 20:51

She should just text them herself when she is outside. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her coming in my house either to be honest.

BarbarianMum · 03/06/2019 22:19

I don't think I'd care for a woman who left my mother on the doorstep. Good thing your stepsons feel differently eh?

Banhaha · 03/06/2019 22:31

Could OH maybe ask her to text when she's there and wait in her car. As long as he's fairly quick with his goodbyes and checking everything she won't be there long. If he explains that they get excited to hear her come to the door so it's harder to check they've got everything that might help?

My OH's ex stepped into our house once uninvited and we both felt our boundaries had been pushed. I have never been in her house and she has no rights to be in mine. If she'd asked I would have been happy to offer her a cup of tea (especially as I've still never met her!) but it was the not asking that got to me. Complete lack of respect.

BasilFaulty · 04/06/2019 11:35

I reckon she just wants a nosy around. Not acceptable at all and YANBU.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 04/06/2019 11:55

Oh dear, I hope I'm not an annoying ex-wife. I almost always go into my ex and GF's flat when I picking the kids up. They faff getting themselves ready and it just seems to go quicker if I'm helping them get their shoes on etc. To be fair my ex comes into mine when he's picking up and I've always welcomed his GF to come in too.

I never realised that I was overstepping - I just thought we were being amicable.

Magda72 · 04/06/2019 12:46

@Pinkandpurplehairedlady I think what you do is fine as it is amicable & it's reciprocated Smile.
I think OP's situation is very different.

Crustaceans · 04/06/2019 14:06

I think it’s different if you’re amicable.

I always invite DS1’s dad (and his partner) in and have a chat. He’s a decent guy (we were just stupidly young when we had DS and decided to be friends and coparents) and his partner is lovely. We often go out for meals all together for DS’s birthday etc.

DS2’s father, OTOH, was an abusive arsehole. And he’s a nightmare to deal with. So he can stay on the doorstep.

daftgeranium · 04/06/2019 18:05

Nope, my DH's ex is not welcome in the house. End of.

Londongirl07 · 04/06/2019 18:47

OP - you’re doing the right thing. She has not right to enter your home. It’s your home and you chose whom you’d like in there.

It’s not about having a good relationship with the ex. You can be civil but you don’t need to be in each other’s personal space.

I drop my children to their dads I don’t go in. He drops the kids to me he doesn’t come in.

My neighbour has this issue with his ex where she would come in and to the point she would even rummage around drawers and even offer to do this washing!!! She was a bit of a nut job but for some reason he couldn’t tell her not to come in until his girlfriend (who doesn’t live there currently) had to be there one day at the pick up and low and behold she didn’t come in. I think it was a territory thing for the ex.

Confusedteacher · 04/06/2019 23:26

Jeez, poor kids. Did they see you shut the door in their mum’s face?!

My exH had an affair with the woman he is now with. When he picks the DC up he comes in, sits on the sofá, I might even make him a cup of tea. My DP will happily chat to him. I have also invited his GF in before, though she rarely comes with him for pick ups.

I think it is so important that the DC see separated parents behaving like silts, in a civilised way. Any conflict between you rubs off on them.

Confusedteacher · 04/06/2019 23:27

Behaving like silts?! That should be adults!

Wallywobbles · 04/06/2019 23:31

DHs ex will only be allowed in this house over his dead body. I'm less bothered but he knows she'll butch about everything so it just makes things easier.