Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Husband's ex coming in the house?

105 replies

MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 13:10

Don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive but my husband's ex always insists on coming into the house uninvited when she comes to pick the kids up. They're 12 and 18, it's not like they can't make it down the garden path on their own. It drives me nuts as the boys will faff around getting their shoes on and stuff together etc, taking ages, all the while she's stood there. I don't really want her in the house - it's not even as if she makes an effort at smalltalk or whatever, it's all really awkward.

So the other weekend when she turned up I knew they weren't ready, so I opened the door and said 'hi, they'll be out in 2 minutes' and then closed the door on her, thinking she would go and wait in the car. She didn't...she just stood there with the door closed in her face.

When I pick my daughter up from her dad's I call her to say I'll be outside in 2 mins and she just comes out - surely that's what most normal people would do??

OP posts:

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 13:55

Get DH to text "I've noticed that DC faff about about when you arrive to collect, so can you text when you are 5 mins away so we can chase them up and make sure they are ready to come out to you so you don't have to get out of your car, rather than you have to stand on our doorstep or in our hallway waiting when we are sure you'd rather crack on"

Really though, it'd be wonderful if you and DM could chat about what DCs have been up to as a sort of handover whilst she is waiting if she has to wait.
I'd say that whether you were SM or DM.

The angle I am coming from, and apologies if it has coloured my view, is that I wish I had an amicable safe relationship to be able to coparent with my XH and their SM. It's very lonely doing it all in your own and DC benefit if they can see you all working together, including the "be ready on time" message.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 13:59

MichelleC69 that does sound awkward. But DC aren't ready and were expected to be ready for her pick up. It must have been awkward for her too. Unless there is abuse or ill feeling still involved, or she is turning up at random times without you being sure when she'd turn up, then it ought be resolvable by DC being ready for her. They can be ready all but shoes & coats on, all of that and bags by the door, that it'd take seconds for them to go.

As I said my X is abusive and ridiculously random when he turns up but I still make sure mine are ready to go.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:01

(sorry first 13:55 of my two back to.back posts above was a cross post with your 13:49 post as it took me so.long to type out! 😁)

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 14:02

Oh she turns up when she feels like it - there is a set time but could be anytime 20 mins either side of that. Agree that her giving 5 mins notice would help. They are ready with their bags etc but the youngest takes an age to get his shoes on, then realises he's left something in his room, etc etc....it's painful.

OP posts:

happyhillock · 03/06/2019 14:07

What's wrong with you tell her it's your house and she's not allowed to come in, you don't have to be friend's with her if you don't want to, phone her and tell her when she comes to pick up the kid's wait at the door. I wouldn't hesitate.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:09

@MichelleC69
Ah, then that's different as it's a 40 mins window (my XH can turn up 3-28 hours late! But he does text DC even though it can be 24 hours if I'm held up be there in 20 🙄 for umpteen hours, but when he says "5 mins away" they believe him!)

So yanbu to ask DH to use an adapted version of text suggested, that she lets you know when 5 mins away as her timings can vary so much and that she waits in car or on doorstep as you'll send them out.
If her timings are unreliable,
she'll soon learn, to pull over and text if she doesn't want to have to wait. Or to text ETA when she sets off.
It's all about being reasonable but really DC ought know they are going and be ready as 40mins time slot isn't that long to know she'll be there during that time. I know teenagers are awkward (I have two and one preteen) but mine know they have to go when he arrives (as he doesn't behave well if he has to wait more than 3 minutes!)

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:12

"of I'm held up be there in 20-50mins 🙄"

Not "if I'm held up be there in 20 🙄"

Sorry that might make.my paragraph make more sense!

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 14:13

Your ex sounds delightful @WillLokireturn :o(

OP posts:

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:17

😁😁 my XH is a delight 😆 OP

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2019 14:40

Would it not be easier to foster good relations? She’s in your life, like it or not, so unless she’s a monster you might as well like it for sanity’s sake.

She doesn’t have an automatic right to be in the op’s house. And yes, shutting the door in someone’s face who thinks they do have that right is a great way of getting the message across that they are rude and presumptuous and to go away.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/06/2019 15:38

I would never have dreamt of walking into my exes house to get our children. I knocked the door and waited while hurried them up. Sometimes he left the door open and I still stood and waited outside. Sometimes he invited me in to wait. I went in once and then thought “what the hell am I doing in his and his wifes house? I can just wait outside” so that’s what I did every time after that. There was no need at all for me to be in their house.

Foxmuffin · 03/06/2019 15:41

Your second post was a bit more enlightening. If she’s doing this and not talking to you that’s extremely rude. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if DH’s ex came in. Although I sucked it up initially and if I answered the door I’ve invited her in for a drink.

I agree with the pp of someone’s ex walking around upstairs in their home bring extremely rude.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 03/06/2019 17:05

You clearly don't care what other people think and are adamant your behaviour is not unreasonable so why go through the effort of making a thread? Makes zero sense.

As for my opinion, you are being rude. There are children involved here, show some level of respect to their mum regardless of what she may have or may not have done, it's just common courtesy. What they do is on them, but at least give the children a better environment than what their mum and her partner do with your husband. All she has to do is stand in your hallway, that is it. You don't have to talk to her, you literally just say you'll get the kids and hurry them for their mum, it is THAT simple.

Show the children that things are amicable oppose to shutting the door on her face, no matter how you twist it - it's bloody rude. If she was abusive, argumentative it would be different but that's not the case.

Nonetheless, back to my original point, you think you're right so you may as well close the thread.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 03/06/2019 17:10

ExDP, his GF and new baby will all walk into my house sometimes, the length of their stay can vary from 5 mins to an hour.
They also do the same if they're dropping my DD to my mums. Very odd.
It's like they come as a whole package

But our relationship is amicable and I'm hardly going to rock the boat over it so I let them crack on, offer tea and biscuits while I'm at it too should poison them

Magda72 · 03/06/2019 17:15

@FuckMNDoubleStandards you may think that's teaching the kids courtesy but others may think it's showing the kids you're prepared to be a doormat to their dm who turns up whenever she feels like it & wanders into your home without even talking to you!

IABUQueen · 03/06/2019 17:30

FuckDMDoubleStandards there are many of us here thinking she is extremely reasonable. She is convinced by our logic. So why is it only your opinion that counts ?

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 17:30

I think other PPs might be getting extreme, albeit for good reason from their experiences.
Get her to text when she's 5 mins away so she doesn't have to wait, and get DC to be ready on time, voila awkwardness resolved!

She doesn't sound bad, just awkward and probably but fed up of having to wait. Still, she can make that easier so she doesn't have to wait.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 17:31

I don't think DM nor OP is BU here. It's just an awkward situation that she's not telling time she'll arrive and DCs are faffing!

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 03/06/2019 17:34

@IABUQueen At what point did I ever say only my opinion counts? Please don't make things up, it's ridiculous.

Furthermore, I, just like yourself and others expressed my view, that is all. I did not state that my opinion is the right one.

Hope that helps clarify.

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 03/06/2019 17:35

I started a thread as I was looking for opinions. It doesn't mean I have to agree with everyone.

BTW, this is a woman who let her kids think that i was the reason for their parents divorce until very recently, as she didn't want to admit that it was her affair that broke them up. I didn't even meet him til after the event. I can't stand the woman, and I don't see why I should have to even look at her.

OP posts:

Crustaceans · 03/06/2019 17:41

I never let my ex in the house when he drops off or picks up. And he’s often early (so DS isn’t ready). DS faffs around anyway while his dad stands on the doorstep (and I ignore him).

He’s a total wanker with no social skills though, so I don’t feel in the slightest bit bad about being rude to him.

My boyfriend’s kids were here last time my ex picked DS up. The toddler wandered out to see who was at the door and my ex refused to acknowledge him (the toddler cried because of the ‘mean man’). In fact, my ex pulled a face and started walking away at the sight of a 2 year old. Obviously I don’t feel the need to be even pleasant to someone who can’t even be polite to a curious toddler.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 17:46

@MichelleC69
You don't. If she has caused ill feeling then you have every right to leave her on the doorstep. And to insist she tells you exactly when she'll be arriving.
My posts said "unless abusive or caused ill feeling."..

That latest bit is relevant. And the fact she doesn't give a time but an approximate range.

However in scheme of things she ain't as bad as some XPs can be, but that's not your issue. If you can get over that and co-parent happily then fab, but if it's not surmountable the you go with what works best, feel free to set your boundaries.
As a DM I wouldn't mind that. I'd appreciate you being kind to my DC and I'd stand on the doorstep to a shut door or wait in my car if I couldn't be bothered to text you when I was nearly arriving or was parked outside.

Greggers2017 · 03/06/2019 17:49

I go in my ex partners house when dropping off/picking the kids up. He does the same at mine. We get on well and feel it is good for the kids.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 17:56

OP , I kinda wish you were SM to my DC 😀
My XH's 2nd DW is by all accounts a lovely lady, who's often in the process of regularly separating from XH/her DH. But I wish she'd have been around more for my DC as she mostly ignored them and left the house when they came on their original EOWs. So XH took them hotels and rarely turned up for contact (probably more due to him than SM)

I think when SMs take on DSCs and do their best, it ought be celebrated. And most DMs appreciate the solidarity.

IABUQueen · 03/06/2019 18:01

Greggers... I admire exes that get on.. and as I was a child whose mum made an effort to get on and was constantly treated with disrespect by my step mum, I absolutely understand what you are saying. But if the DM is making no effort to be polite to the woman who put effort with her and is being kind to her kids... then No.

I think someone going into someone’s house while ignoring the hostess, is passive aggressive way to reject them. So she is absolutely not in a position to be welcomed.. and in fact very entitled. Sending off the message that she doesn’t respect her in her own home.. no no no

If you go to your ex’s house I sure hope at least you put effort to be civil with his partner. Else you really shouldn’t.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5