Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/05/2019 14:50

"they come as a package...you need to treat them as your own" spiel.

For the record, I think my advice would be very similar even if they were her own kids!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/05/2019 14:52

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

The absolute fucking nerve

OP, I am sure you are not a stupid woman, or a mug. So I am sure you are not shacked up with an absolute arsehole of a man and I hope that you can find a way through this. Perhaps he is just momentarily being an idiot. Be absolutely certain and unwavering in that you are going to go and study midwifery, as planned. This is the given.

Is your DF currently - supporting you and your children financially or was the plan for him to do so whilst you study?

Redshoeblueshoe · 07/05/2019 14:52

What a dick

BlingLoving · 07/05/2019 14:52

But even if they do come as a package (which I kind of see and agree with), doesn't mean it's OPs responsibility to do 100% of the parenting...

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 07/05/2019 14:53

Stand firm, OP.

eddielizzard · 07/05/2019 14:55

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

OMFG. You hold all the cards here. You own the house. You get to say whether they move in. You get to say whether he moves out. That sort of entitled, arrogant, misogynistic, selfish attitude would get nowhere with me. What a fucking prick.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2019 14:57

I wouldn't stand firm; I'd get rid.

LazyLizzy · 07/05/2019 14:59

You've spent your time raising your DC, you have earned the right to do what you want now.

University/career/sitting on a park bench all day. It's your time.

RedBerryTea · 07/05/2019 15:01

WHAT? No way! So the children's mother can't be bothered with them and neither can the children's father, but you, who have no responsibility towards these children are expected to parent them and forget your own hopes and ambitions. Your bloke is either stupid or selfish, or both.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 15:03

Yanbu at all. Why can't he arrange the usual paid childcare that millions of other parents use?

Unless you've offered to be a SAHM to his DC he has no reason to imagine that offer is on the table.

Stick to your guns. Tell him you're committed to your training. The DCs are welcome to live with you. He sorts out their childcare around both of your working hours.

You've made your sacrifice already, caring for your DS. Taking advantage of your currently 'at home' position is just that, taking advantage of you, at your economically weakest point in life. Trying to push you back down, just as you're about to assert your independence (and capacity for continued economic independence).

lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 15:05

If you were already training / working, then their being 'part of the package' would be dealt with by paid childcare.

Can you imagine him asking you to leave your course / job to become a SAHM to children of this age? Would you do that? That's the sensible way to look at this.

EL8888 · 07/05/2019 15:08

His kids = his thing to sort. Him or their mother needs to do it.
Out of curiosity what has he done for your children while he's lived with you! What should you wait! You have been patient enough already. I'm not going to lie to you, it's a tough course and quite demanding. When you are on placement you can't leave a 12-13 hour shift to get then from school and make dinner. The odd help out fair enough for an hour or 2, re-organising your life plan = no

@lottiegarbanzo great points

ChuckleBuckles · 07/05/2019 15:08

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

OP please do not give up your college dreams for this man, he has decided that he is moving two more children into your home, he has decided that you are picking up the extra work that creates, he has decided that what you want is not important. If you go along with this there will never be a right time with a man like this, there will always be something more important than what you want or need, men like this drain the life out of you, please reconsider this relationship and if this man is in any way supportive of you.

haloumi · 07/05/2019 15:10

YANBU.

He thinks you OWE him in some way and caring for his (and his x's) children is a way of paying him.

what a wally.

Let him sort the child care first THEN make plans ….

lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 15:10

And 'dreams' sounds airy fairy and about desires not needs.

This is about your economic independence, ability to support yourself (and all DC) in future, whatever the future brings and, avoiding an impoverished old age. Has he committed to sharing his pension with you (if you're still together after you've serviced his child-rearing needs)? More reliably, is he proposing to pay into a pension for you?

Butterymuffin · 07/05/2019 15:11

Agree with everyone else. Ask him why you should be rearranging your life around them when neither of their actual parents are willing to do that?

There are these things called breakfast clubs, after school clubs and child minders. He may want to look some up.

SunshineCake · 07/05/2019 15:12

On one hand if you are marrying your fiancé then you are becoming a family and his kids clearly need a mum but what is out of order is him telling you this is what is happening.

Please don't give up your dream of becoming a midwife. Consider giving up the dream of being his wife.

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 15:15

Who would be cooking and cleaning and tidying up after these children??

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/05/2019 15:15

Even if he found wrap around childcare you can bet your bottom dollar that it'll be OP who would end up doing all the additional chores associated with her DSCs e.g. their cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I'd also be willing to bet that even if she did put her foot down their dad's office hours would mysteriously get longer and longer so OP is forced into doing dinner etc whilst he opts out of parenting works soooo hard.

thenightsky · 07/05/2019 15:15

Wow. I've seen some cheeky fuckers on MN over the years, but this fella takes the biscuit! Shock

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/05/2019 15:18

he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait

He's quite ... errr ... amusing in his own little way isn't he? Hmm How convenient that he expects to move into a house that's yours, load all the family responsibilities onto you - probably all the housekeeping too - and yet keep working as if nothing's changed

His kids may well be "fed up" with how they're living now, but not half as fed up as you'll be if he moves in with this attitude

Etino · 07/05/2019 15:29

I think I know the answer, but what does he bring to the relationship?

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2019 15:30

its an appalling attitude even if you were their mother forcing you to wait until they were grown up let alone children that are not even yours

If this doesnt have you questioning the relationship OP you are clearly blinded by love.

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 15:32

Your children and your career come first.

This! This man has no legal ties to you. Yet he expects you to sacrifice your earning potential and pension for his kids when he can walk away at any time. Fuck him off.

macaroniandpizza · 07/05/2019 15:33

You are not bu at all. His kids arent and shouldnt be your sole responsibility

Swipe left for the next trending thread