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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2019 16:26

A useful update but the reality is it's your future that being impacted more than his.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:34

Disfordarkchocolate I don’t see how...I’ve told him I won’t be doing the childcare, that’s for him to sort out.

My future will be impacted when his kids move in, I agree. Having 2 young kids will be a huge change. But his life has been just as impacted, taking on my 2 kids, 1 of which has some severe issues and will most likely live with us for the rest of his/our lives.

OP posts:
bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 16:34

Nope, still doesn't work. It's NEVER a good idea to jack in your earning potential to become financially dependent on an unmarried partner or, once you're past youth, on anyone - you need to consider your future, your mental health as an employee, your pension, your earnings potential. It's not workable, it's financially very foolish move for you and you are not getting any younger if you have a 19-year-old.

You need to tell him he needs to find another workround because you cannot put it off any longer. That would be utter folly.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2019 16:37

But this first thought wasn't how to manage this by him making sacrifices but for you to make them. If the reality is they need to move in with you why did he do that, it says something about how he views your relationship.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:39

But it would only be for 2 years, while training, not forever.
Plus if all went tits up, I have my own savings.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 16:39

You need to think through what would happen if you split up. What your pension looks like. Your capacity to support / help / leave something to your DCs.

7yo7yo · 07/05/2019 16:40

Sounds like you’ve made your mind up op.
I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:40

If we split up, I would carry on doing what I’m planning to do. That wouldn’t be affected in the slightest.

OP posts:
bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 16:40

Don't know what you're asking then, you seem to think it's hunky dory for you to put off your career and earning potential for another 2 years so you can look after his kids Hmm. Then go for it. It's a foolish move financially, but well, you seem to think it's fine.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 16:41

But now I don't understand. You told him you wouldn't take on the childcare, yet, with his salary alone, childcare cannot be paid for. So what is the third option? You work? Or they don't move in with you. What is it that you're proposing?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:42

7yo I have already told him it’s not going to happen, I’m not their mum and it’s not my job. I have career goals and I won’t pause them.

I was just checking that I wasn’t being totally unreasonable.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 07/05/2019 16:44

Half of your 3 year course (l assume you are doing the BSc rather than the MSc or PgDip?) will be spent on placements. So it’s likely to be tricky to be able to do both school runs, as you will have to do midwifery shifts while on placement. Wether they are 7-3, 7-7 or night shifts. I am guessing the odd community placement might be 9-5

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:46

Bamboo I was just asking if it was unreasonable of me to tell him to make alternative childcare arrangements. The 2 years is not how long I’ll be putting it off, it’s how long training will be.

lottie I don’t know, that’s the issue. Part of my can’t see these lovely kids stay with their mum if they don’t want to, our home is open to them 100%. But the other half of me knows that if they do move in, it makes sense financially for me to stay at home and take on a parent role, which I don’t want to.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/05/2019 16:49

It is not sensible for you, personally, to stay at home. You have your own children, one with special needs, which must have been exhausting. Now is the time for you to train in a career you love and to put yourself and your children first. It is not time to take on the care of children who have parents who frankly can't be arsed looking after them.

Anoisagusaris · 07/05/2019 16:50

If you split, could you still afford to go to university and support your children?

In a way, it seems unfair that he would support you and your children while you go to university, but the family circumstances don't allow for his children to live with you.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 16:52

Ano exactly! And this is why I was struggling with trying to understand if I am being unreasonable.

He is a great Dad and loves his kids to bits...he suggested giving up his job for a while, until his kids were older and could look after themselves to/from school..but that’s not financially an option.

OP posts:
DobbysLeftSock · 07/05/2019 17:02

Why can't he just pay for wraparound care like every other working parent?

Bookworm4 · 07/05/2019 17:05

I think you're wavering, with 'it's only 2 years', don't give in, he will need to arrange child care.

Knittedfairies · 07/05/2019 17:11

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

That's not a red flag... That's a Communist parade in Red Square.

notacooldad · 07/05/2019 17:18

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

That's not a red flag... That's a Communist parade in Red Square.

It turns out he didn't say that after all!

Just send the kids to the childminders before and after school. The child benefit money will go towards paying for it.

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 17:20

Is midwifery only a 2 year course?

So, he’s said he wants his kids to move into your house and that you need to postpone your course. You have said no. What will happen now then?

Magda72 · 07/05/2019 17:24

Op if your dp wasn't on the scene could you afford to go to uni still?
And,
If you weren't on the scene could he afford to be the rp?
These are genuine questions on my part.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:24

fedup

I already have my degree, so it’s really just a top up course mainly of placements.

I’m not sure...I’ve left it up to him. I feel bad for the kids, as it’s me that is pretty much stopping them from moving in.....but it’s not though...is it? I don’t know what to think, my head is so confused.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/05/2019 17:25

He needs a housekeeper, not a wife. He'd have to pay a housekeeper though!

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 17:25

I feel bad for the kids, as it’s me that is pretty much stopping them from moving in

That’s the way it should be though-it’s your house, it should 100% be your decision who lives there!

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