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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/05/2019 14:20

That isn't the only option. He can move out, get his own house and sort it all out from there.

Don't do it OP, it's pretty obvious what you want doesnt come before his needs.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2019 14:21

Poor kids, neither parents want the responsibility of them. Put your foot down and keep it there, you don't have another 5 years.

toucantoo · 07/05/2019 14:22

So you provide the house, he doesn't reciprocate by paying all expenses though and now he expects you to house his dc and parent them whilst giving up your ambitions. But he won't give up his ambitions to loom after HIS dc. Hmm. What is it about him that you find so appealing?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:23

church the mum doesn’t live in the same town as us, so she couldn’t (and probably wouldn’t, do the school runs.

gamerchick this was my suggestion.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/05/2019 14:23

Not on your nelly would I stand for this! Go to uni and become a midwife. His kids, his responsibility!! Cheeky fuck we if the highest order

Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 14:23

I really would not marry this man.

churchthecat · 07/05/2019 14:23

Then it's not possible for them to live with you full time.

What does he do for a living?

churchthecat · 07/05/2019 14:23

And do you own the house? Does he pay rent?

MrsMozartMkII · 07/05/2019 14:24

Bollox to him.

Of course he needs to do what he can for his children, and of course you'll help out as and when you can, but bollox to you putting your life on hold for another five years!

LillithsFamiliar · 07/05/2019 14:27

What a horrible co-incidence that just as you're about to be able to pursue your dream, his DCs have suddenly decided they want to live with you. Stick to your plan OP.
He needs to come up with a solution for his DCs.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 07/05/2019 14:28

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP.
The condition before we bought a house together was that I would not be providing childcare for his kids and I do not expect it from him either.
An hour or two here or there with advanced notice I don’t mind, but I made it crystal clear that I only do the school run for my kids (I wouldn’t have time to take the SCs anyway - different schools) and until they are of an age where they can get dressed, get their own breakfast and make their way to school by themselves then they cannot stay over midweek as DP leaves for work at 5am.

TheFaerieQueene · 07/05/2019 14:29

Are you rethinking marriage to this man?
If you aren’t, please start.

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 14:29

WTAF? NO FUCKING WAY. And his stamping his feeties trying to order you around? FUCK THAT. I would end this and he'd be moving out because even if he bullshits you, he will try to land you with his responsibility. Tell him to fuck right off. How dare he try to use you as his domestic servant whilst living in your house after you've worked so hard to parent your own children.

Dillydallyingthrough · 07/05/2019 14:30

Nope tell him you put your life on hold for your kids, now it's his turn to do it for his!

What a CF! I'm enraged for you!

As a PP suggested do not do anything (even for the first few months otherwise you will be stuck), so he sorts the school run from the get go....

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 14:30

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

I not only wouldn’t be moving these children into my house, I would be moving the boyfriend out.

How can you love and respect anyone that treats you like that? Sad

LannieDuck · 07/05/2019 14:31

Wow, an absolute hard 'no' from me.

Did he take on the school run and all of the childcare for your kids when he moved in so you could go back to work/study FT? No? Then why on earth would he assume you would do that for his kids?

Does he have very gender-defined views of how a household should be run? Does he pull his weight with the housework?

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 14:31

That isn't the only option. He can move out, get his own house and sort it all out from there.

Yep! In fact, he'd be moving out anyway because he obviously doesn't see you as anymore more than a handy skivvy and your own ambitions and dreams don't mean shit to him. That means he has FA respect for you and anyone like that is someone who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you.

Leeds2 · 07/05/2019 14:33

I think I would be getting him to find his own place with his kids too. If they move in with you, there will inevitably be times when the childcare he has arranged will let him down, and you will be expected to cover (if in fact he arranged any childcare). I suspect you will be expected to do the DC's cooking and washing, and interrupt your study time to look after them. You should also consider who will look after them when you are on placement, which could well cover school drop off and pick up times, as well as school holidays.

IWriteCode · 07/05/2019 14:34

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

If this is not a red flag, I don't know what would be one.

Please make sure he gets a system in place that doesn't involve you, or you might find yourself with two more kids at home and a fiancee that sods off to work without a second thought.

speakout · 07/05/2019 14:34

I wouldn't be moving in with him I'm afraid.

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 14:35

Where did he lived before he moved in with you? Can he go back there ASAP?

ScottishDoll · 07/05/2019 14:36

Honestly harsh as it may seem I agree he has to move out, learn full time parenting then you can both look at how living together might work. You are slotting into default housekeeper mode otherwise which is a recipe for a wasted life for you and a big bonus for him, don't do it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/05/2019 14:36

So you'll have the children full-time and their Mum wants to keep their child benefit?! That's completely wrong for a start, the money is for their needs, not hers.

Not to mention what you're expected to do. As PP's have said, this is ridiculous on so many levels. I'd go ahead and start applying for courses now so there's no way he can claim that you've got the time to do everything (assuming your DS is ready for you to do this).

Simply don't be available and let your fiance sort out his own childcare arrangements. Those poor children, having parents like that. Sad

ReanimatedSGB · 07/05/2019 14:36

While I'm sorry for these kids, who have two useless, selfish parents, it's not your responsibiity to raise them. I'd advise getting rid of the boyfriend, who clearly thinks that women exist for men's convenience and that a woman should put obeying her man before anything else.

QueenofallIsee · 07/05/2019 14:37

Fuck that for a box of bananas! No way would I marry him OP, he is as bad as the kids Mum and clearly doesn’t care enough to parent them! Tell him absolutely not

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