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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 07/05/2019 14:37

I think it's not unreasonable if the kids are coming to live with you, for your DP to expect you'll play some role in their upbringing.... BUT....

... the decision for them to come, and how to manage the impact on your family as a whole needs to be a decision you take together and he doesn't get to just decide that you'll be their primary carer and ditch the plans you already have in place. That's completely unreasonable.

A conversation in which as a couple you accept you are taking on extra responsibilities is one thing. Being told you'll have to take it all on 100% and give up your own dreams is not.

NorthEndGal · 07/05/2019 14:37

How can he just dismiss you like that? He is mighty sure of himself

HMATA7 · 07/05/2019 14:37

Absolute CF!
Doesn't sound like he has much respect for you so I'd be seriously re-thinking marrying him.
His DC - his problem, you've waited long enough OP for your opportunity, do NOT let him take that away from you.

CaMePlaitPas · 07/05/2019 14:38

I'm afraid he'll have to sort childcare. You've got enough on your plate, and a dream to catch. Don't waste time OP, you get one life.

cstaff · 07/05/2019 14:39

Not a chance in hell OP.

hewontstopshitting · 07/05/2019 14:39

I’d LTB. It’s the only option and you’ll just have to wait my arse, you can live the life that you want and his kids aren’t your responsibility

CaMePlaitPas · 07/05/2019 14:39

Just read your updates - DO NOT WAIT. Please don't, you owe it to yourself.

sydenhamhiller · 07/05/2019 14:40

Ah OP, I have never said 'LTB' but this might be the first.

What ties you to this man? Not kids. Mortgage? I thought I read somewhere it's your house.

It's your time. You have been a single mum. You have had to care for a child with additional needs. You have - rightly, but still it's a sacrifice - put them first until they were old enough to be independent, and you have worked hard to enable that.

Now it's your time. It really is. And I don't think a man is worth sacrificing your turn to put you first. (I hope my DH of 20-odd years does not look over my shoulder at this ;o).) It is outrageous that he expects you to be their primary carer - you sound lovely, and of course, we would all hope stepmothers would be as happy to step in as you clearly are. But he - and the mum! - sound like they are using you as free childcare. You sound amazing, and deserve better - a career of your dreams!

I feel terrible for these poor kids, but... they do have two parents. You have to be really strong, and choose what is right for you. It's your turn.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/05/2019 14:40

This is a huge red flag. I'd be rethinking the entire relationship because such a monstrous attitude towards you surely can't exist in a vaccum. I bet if we scratched beneath the surface there'll be loads of other things that won't be a big deal when taken in isolation but add up to a disturbing bigger picture.

juneau · 07/05/2019 14:40

Further evidence, as if it were needed, that most women want a DP, whereas many men want a housekeeper and childminder Sad

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 14:41

He won't sort FA. He'll move them in and drop you in it because he knows you're a mug who will cave. So tell him he needs to move out by the end of the month. Bye, bye, CFing twat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2019 14:41

he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait

Tell him that moving out is another option he can take a look at. Cheeky fucker!

Why on earth would he expect YOU to look after HIS kids?

No, no and no. You are totally right to call him on this and get it sorted NOW.

midsomermurderess · 07/05/2019 14:41

Your marrying and blending your families is about creating a new future for all of you, not shutting your's down.

MariaNovella · 07/05/2019 14:41

Crikey. Both parents want to palm all the childcare off on you while they keep the jobs/cash???

cakeandchampagne · 07/05/2019 14:42

Your children and your career come first.

He needs to move out and learn to take responsibility for his own children.

Orangecake123 · 07/05/2019 14:42

Please stand your ground and don't agree to any of this OP! I don't like his response to you. Why should you do wait another 5 years? What if you wait but break up anyway?

Will he be paying extra for having them in your house? Do you even have the space? Their his children and so should be his responsibility.

RomanyQueen1 · 07/05/2019 14:43

So he lives in your house and now wants to move his kids in so you can be the free childcare.
Does he pay bills and do half the domestic chores, or does he just lodge his cock?
Whatever you decide YANBU to not want to be the skivvy.

YouDancin · 07/05/2019 14:45

You'll just have to wait

"No I bloody don't"

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/05/2019 14:46

Thank god I'm not seeing the usual "they come as a package...you need to treat them as your own" spiel. I feel reassured.

InsertFunnyUsername · 07/05/2019 14:47

No chance.

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 14:47

Crikey. Both parents want to palm all the childcare off on you while they keep the jobs/cash???

This!

If your response wasn’t to say-‘I don’t think so-it’s time to call it a day! I don’t really know why not!

FinallyHere · 07/05/2019 14:47

he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

Wow, is he always this selfish ?

Tell him you can think of at least one other option, him moving out and take it from there 😀

ATowelAndAPotato · 07/05/2019 14:48

No, no, and a thousand more times no!
You have worked so hard to get to a good point for your kids and you, career plans, etc. Why should you sacrifice/ put that on hold for someone who can’t be bothered to parent their own children?

It is a shame their mum is seemingly useless, but don’t let him guilt trip you into it. However much you love his kids, it is not your responsibility to provide all of their wrap around care, at the expense of your needs.

Maybe it would be different if he was asking you to do some of it, eg one or two days a week and he did the rest, but to expect you to do all of it - fuck right off!

I hope he comes to his senses!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/05/2019 14:49

Suggest you evaluate other elements of your relationship.

Perhaps as a starting point, ask him to move out. Then childcare is no longer your issue. Can you look into lodgers to cover rent? Then you can do your course, he can have his kids, and you can, if you want, continue to date, but on equal footing.

TheDogsMother · 07/05/2019 14:49

So neither of their actual parents can provide this but you have to at the expense of your own plans. How exactly does that work ??? Shock

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