His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

[Bookaholic73]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

They arent your responsibility. He needs to move out.
Dont marry him.

YANBU. He is.

Re the child benefits, if his DC were to live with their father, wherever he was resident, he would be eligible to claim them, which would go some way towards paying for a childminder (not you) Even if he did let the mother continue to claim, she would have to give him the money for the DC if she didn’t have the DC living there the minimum number of nights per year.

So when he moves into his own place with the DC he will have to do that as I doubt he will return to his DC mother.

You'd be a mug to say yes to this. Not that I think that you will!!

Tell him no. Keep saying no. See what happens.

What they all said.

Plus I’d point out you don’t have parental responsibility. You can’t take them to the dr’s when they’re ill, to the dentist, fill out school forms, consent to medical treatment.

With no PR you can only do as much as a childminder. Time off for illness etc is all on him.

When he said it was the only option was he talking financially? Can you afford your training without him? Do you both need him working full time to pay the mortgage and bills?

This is ridiculous. I wouldn't accept this from my DH about looking after our own dc and I am currently a non working trailing spouse.
Family plans have to be jointly worked out so they suit everyone in a family. One person doesn't get to dictate what another person does.
What are his hours? What is the out of hours provision at the schools they would be attending? How do other working parents in the area manage?
I would explain that this is what you need to do for you and while you are happy to work as a team with him you cannot be the main parent for these dc.
If you still want to be in a relationship with him.

Fuck That Shit!
My answer would be no!

There's no reason why you can't do your university degree and them live with you - they will need childcare of course but most schools have out of school care and you can help out in university holidays (not as long for midwifery but you get some)

Can you afford your training without him?

This. Are you replying on his money to pay the bills so you can go to university?

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

^ It’s this I have a problem with. A family figures things like childcare out together. Why on earth is he assuming you’ll drop everything for his children (they aren’t your step children yet). You can come up with a plan together, but he’s going to have to step up.

There's no reason why you can't do your university degree and them live with you

There's every reason in the world, the no. 1 being that their lazy twat of a father believes it's the OP's job to be the Maid of All Work in the house and the default worker, there to facilitate his lazy arse life. Fuck that.

Those poor poor children. How unwanted they must feel.

But of not your fault or problem of course. If he loves you he should support your dreams and you should not be asked to look after his kids.

Wow. what a user he is..
I could not sacrifice my dream job n this way. .
I think you should slowly back out..
Get him to rent somewhere, for him and the kitchen ds and just date

Those poor poor children. How unwanted they must feel.

I agree. And I expect the Dad, when he realises the OP isn’t going to do his bidding, will tell the kids hat hey have to stay with their mum (who clearly doesn’t want them either). And if that is the case OP I really wouldn’t want to marry a man who was willing to do that to his children.

I seem to remember a thread on here with a similar situation, where the guy flew off to a job on a oil rig somewhere, leaving his kids behind with the MN poster (who hadn't agreed to this plan at all).

It was the end of their relationship - she moved out. One of the kids was older, and could therefore look after the younger one (and I think she got granny to supervise too).

You know the line 'that doesn't work for me!'

Saying that st university you'll unlikely be there all day every day so you will have flexibility and under these circumstances perhaps you can support his children a little, but with the understanding he needs to pull his weight or pay for breakfast and after school club

... actually it's not that 'similar', more an extreme version of OP's potential situation.

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait

Fuck that shit. I love it when CFs like this make the response so, so easy. There's absolutely no answer to this other than NO FUCKING WAY.

Yanbu. Tell him sooner not later.
He can source and fund wraparound and holiday care.
You've done your gruntwork!

But flumpybear the youngest is only 8yo - will he or she be expected to do all of his or her own care at 11/12 yo once OP has finished her degree and got herself a job? Because if not, OP will still be compromising her studies and later her career because the children's father refuses to parent his own children. There's no way with an attitude like his that OP will only be expected to "support his children a little".

Gosh how entitled is he ?

Get rid of him. You are worth so much more than someone who thinks this little of you.

Don't marry him for goodness sake. Do you own your house? Does he contribute equaĺly to the pot?

Wow...I didn’t expect so many replies. Thank you everyone.
Believe me, I am not a doormat, hence the reason I told him that wasn’t going to happen.

I do feel like I kind of explained things from an angry POV.
When I said that he told me ‘you just have to wait’ actually, I think that’s what I heard, because it’s definitely NOT the words he used. In my head, that’s what he said, so that’s how I explained it.

Also, there is no way on earth he thinks it’s my job to look after his kids because I’m the woman. He is not sexist in any way, shape or form. Before he left his ex (the kids mum) he would work for 12 hours a day, and have to go home and do all of the housework, chores etc, and cook dinner because his ex sat on her ass doing nothing at home all day. Literally, nothing.

He is in no way lazy or a bad Dad.

What I meant (in terms of not having a choice) is that the plan was I would give up my job and his salary would be enough for us to live on. ‘Us’ being the current situation of him, me and my kids.

The issue is that we couldn’t afford childcare for his kids if they lived here and only he was working and I was at uni.

I rent this house from the council, in my name only. We have combined finances, so he doesn’t pay rent. We pool all of our money together. This works out better for me than him, as he earns substantially more than me.

As for the mother asking to keep the child benefits, he told her she can think again.