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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:31

saving he stayed in the family home while she moved out, instead of finding somewhere else. The kids have lived there their whole lives, all their friends live on the same road etc, so I would have done the same thing.

He moved in with me when she moved back, yes.

OP posts:
Harriedharriet · 08/05/2019 15:31

OP - I really admire you and the adult, rational yet compassionate way you are trying to figure this out. You will be a GREAT midwife and, when you get things sorted, a great influence on the all the DC's. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:34

missing my savings wouldn’t cover everything for 2 years. Plus...I don’t see why I should use the money that I saved before I met him, to pay for his kids childcare.
He hasn’t got any savings, or I’d suggest he could use his savings to pay for their care.

You know what...the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a case of he doesn’t WANT his kids being looked after by someone outside the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:35

Harried thank you, that’s so kind of you to say.
I just want everyone to be happy, all the children especially, but I also don’t see why I can’t achieve what I have been planning for years.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 16:20

Get a grip op, you will need problem solving skills in training.
There is no one answer, you need a patchwork of solutions. Use your money to fund your family while training, so he can use some of his for child care. Your dc may need support after his are gone. You may be able to work, win the lottery, who knows. Build savings back up when working
You are not thinking about pooling rescources of time and energy, as well as money. Bottom line is your working and dc, same for him. You really can do this between you.his kids are not babies they will cope with playscheme or minder

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 16:24

Sorry OP may I ask again how often his DCs come to yours now? Just wondering how much the dynamic between you all might change if they're say only with you EOW now to living with you full time and you having to get involved with discipline etc if you're in the house alone with them.

FriarTuck · 08/05/2019 16:32

One point - someone said about saving his holiday up so he could take it all at one go to cover their school holidays - that's a good idea BUT would his work allow that? Presumably there are other parents there wanting holiday time off too? Worth bearing in mind....

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 16:35

That's a good point FriarTuck - for instance my DH's work place wouldn't allow that.

timeisnotaline · 08/05/2019 17:00

You aren’t using your savings for his kids childcare Hmm. He is paying for his kids childcare and you are using your savings for funding your and your children’s life while you study.

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 17:48

Hang on, he's said that his ex had an affair and moved out for 3 months, during which time he was looking after the dc himself.
So basically he's saying that he had 'no choice' but to look after his kids by himself during those 3 months.
He did it because he had to - not because he wanted to.

As soon as she moved back in he moved in with you - so he too had been having an affair....i wonder which one of them cheated first?

He claims he moved out because he couldn't continue to afford the mortgage/bills/childcare etc - which he had no problems with previously....and there would be no childcare to pay once she was back in the family home.

So he's only looked after his own kids by himself for a maximum of 3 months because he had no other choice.
Now he's in that 'no choice' position again and he's trying to shove that responsibility onto you.
He's still refusing to take full responsibility for his own kids!
He didn't want to spend his money on providing a home for his kids.

He's a shit and neglectful dad who doesn't want the responsibility of parenting and providing for his own kids.
He's a cocklodger and manipulative - and you're a mug for lapping up his bullshit.

youreonmylastnerve · 08/05/2019 17:56

How much maintenance is he paying OP?

mantlepiece · 08/05/2019 19:03

If the DC come to live with you surely the Ex will lose the bulk of her Benefits. From what you say she will not be happy about that.

I don’t think those DC will be allowed to come and live with you no matter what they wish for. They are providing her with a roof over her head.

fedup21 · 08/05/2019 19:21

If the DC come to live with you surely the Ex will lose the bulk of her Benefits. From what you say she will not be happy about that.

Yes, that sounds like a consideration. How would she fund her costs of accommodation and living without benefits?

RosemaryHoight · 08/05/2019 19:46

How much cms is he paying?

I have a family member who has two resident step children and is doing a nursing degree. The youngest child was in year 4 when she started and she has taken on an enormous responsibility but still manages her university and placement work. They are not a high income family by any stretch.

Are you already a registered nurse?

RosemaryHoight · 08/05/2019 19:50

I think you can have it all. I would tone down the judgment of their mum by the way. It's enough that they would like to live with you without talking about her in a negative way.

Pixiefee · 08/05/2019 19:54

so the mum is just going to let them live with you? sounds doubtful? have you asked her/spoken to her? do the kids make all the decisions?

Prequelle · 08/05/2019 20:01

I actually don't think this is going to work whether he gets childcare or not now. He's bang out of order assuming you would give up your dream of being a midwife- what a shit. At the same time having young kids in your home, you would both have to do some sort of childcare and this now seems horribly disjointed. Despite you being a family will it always be 'his kids his responsibility'? I'm only saying because as a student midwife you will be working 13 hour shifts, no set Rota, and because of the changes coming to training there's a chance you may be on call (there's talks of changing to caseloading so if your lady needs you then you get there).

Good luck with everything. Personally I couldn't stand to be with a man who expected me to drop all my dreams, didn't even try to negotiate or discuss with me

Prequelle · 08/05/2019 20:05

^my savings wouldn’t cover everything for 2 years. Plus...I don’t see why I should use the money that I saved before I met him, to pay for his kids childcare.
He hasn’t got any savings, or I’d suggest he could use his savings to pay for their care.^

No, you would be using your savings to fund your life and your kids lives wouldn't you?

I guess you can't have it both ways- if he has his kids live with you then he is either going to have to drop his hours or pay for childcare or a mixture of both. Either way your household income is going to be affected.

Mucky1 · 08/05/2019 21:42

I worked full time with children as a single parent and relied on wrap around school care and holiday clubs. It's a viable option that many use and my kids really enjoyed. There's no need for anyone to give up career dreams or jobs 🤣

Prequelle · 08/05/2019 22:26

That's okay if your job is a mon-fri 9-5 affair which many aren't.

Ninkaninus · 09/05/2019 08:44

Midwifery training is shift work (including right through the night) right from the beginning of the course. Wraparound childcare would not be enough to sort the problems in logistics, because it’s just not as straightforward as that. It really would not work for OP to be responsible for the majority of school drop offs and pick ups.

If he wants his children to live with you (and I think it sounds like they should, and I’m glad you think so too), he needs to be willing to actually sit down and think of a solution to this problem, but one that is workable for you and doesn’t just presume you’ll pick up all the slack for him and their mum! Poor children.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 09/05/2019 09:03

Thanks everyone.

He is going to start looking for work in a school. He isn’t a teacher, but his profession means working in schools might be a possibility. Hopefully this works out, as he won’t have to worry about school holidays, specifically the 6 week summer holiday.

So we will just watch this space and see how it goes.

The Ex has definitely started worrying about losing benefits, but won’t have to work as she gets DLA for Anxiety. I do think she would have to move though, I do t think they’ll allow her to stay in a 3 bed house alone?

He has said that in no way will I be stopping my plans, as they are what I’ve been working towards for years. Plus it’ll benefit the household when I qualify, especially because I’ll then be supporting him and the family while he goes to do more training.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 09/05/2019 09:06

One thing we hadn’t thought about is the £350 a month we currently pay in CM won’t be ongoing when the kids live here. Obviously the household expenses will rise a little, but not that much.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/05/2019 10:03

He is going to start looking for work in a school. He isn’t a teacher, but his profession means working in schools might be a possibility.

That sounds like a very positive step. He's acknowledging that it's up to him to make an adjustment, not (just) you. Good start.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 09/05/2019 11:06

Lannie yes he definitely is. I think in all honesty, he said some stupid things out of panic and not seeing an alternative, yet desperately wanting his kids to live here. Understandable if you ask me.

So now we are sorting it all out, we have to wait and see what the Mum says about it all over the past few months.

OP posts:
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