His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

[Bookaholic73]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

I think it's good that you are talking and looking at proper solutions. Good luck

He is going to start looking for work in a school. He isn’t a teacher, but his profession means working in schools might be a possibility

I’m intrigued by what his profession is!

Pissing myself laughing that you won't expect you outgoings to increase by £350!!
Sorry op but that just shows how naive you are being about the whole thing!!

Not necessarily mayalready. Assuming they already live somewhere big enough to house the DC, and if they're paying towards uniforms and trips and the rest already, then actually that's more than feasible.

It's annoying when people automatically assume it's only the resident parent who has all the housing and additional costs - whilst that's certainly the case for deadbeats who see their kids one night a month or not at all it's a totally different situation when the NRP regularly has their kids for overnights (and I don't mean them kipping on a sofabed) and pays half towards the other expenses.

One thing we hadn’t thought about is the £350 a month we currently pay in CM

Why are you paying CM?

Obviously @youreonmylastnerve because they don't have the kids 50:50 at the moment!

You could easily get wraparound childcare for £350 per month. I think if you all tighten your belts a little bit and have a good solution for school holidays this is definitely doable

By "you", I meant OP.

Non problem. Why did I waste time with this?

Did someone force you to read the thread, Missing? You poor thing.

No, but did give some thought, imagining op had a dilemma she needed help with. Turns out she hadn't given it a moments attention or discussed with oh

His kids. His responsibility. You go do what you want with your career. He either picks them up himself or he sorts paid childcare etc.

Hi kids his responsibility and don't give up your dreams.

If you don’t fulfill your life’s ambition now, you will regret it and resent the reasons for not doing so.

You MUST put yourself first.

Do you get funding for post grad courses like an under grad? I get 3.5k 3x a year as a higher maintenance loan and if I needed childcare money I think that would be paid as a grant.

@Bookaholic73

Any update on how this is working out

Hi Hecateh
Well, the kids have all moved in and I’ve gone back to work.
Their mum has already moved to the other side of the country, so the poor kids are going through a lot.
As a temporary measure, my fiancé’s work are letting him do 9-4, so they go to breakfast and after school club.
School breaks up for them next week and he has managed to work something out for the summer holidays, between their mums mum, mums sister and a week annual leave.
They will change schools in September, to be closer to where my fiancé works, so he can then go back to 9-5.

It’s been incredibly stressful to be honest. The house looks like a bombs hit it, my kids hate having young kids around, the SC are very used to having Dad to himself and hate it when he looks/talks/hugs me. This wasn’t an issue before they moved in.
I’m trying to remember that the poor things are very up in the air right now, with their mum not having been in touch since she moved away and childcare being all over the place. Plus the move.

It’s taking a lot for us all to get used to, put it that way!

Poor kids, it sounds like you are doing the right thing by getting him and their mothers family to take care of them.
Good luck with your studies. I hope it all settles down over the summer

Thanks User.
I hope things settle down too.
He is on the hunt for a job at a school now, so he doesn’t have to worry about out of term childcare.
It’s inky for another 3 years and they will both be at secondary school so childcare isn’t an issue after that.
It’s been an...adjustment!
He does a lot around the house though, which is good.
I am struggling with not actually spending any 1 on 1 time with him at the moment.

So they are staying with the grandma who is just as bad as the neglectful mum and their auntie who had her kids taken into care? Poor things. What's he playing at?

You're amazing!

What do you mean training will be 2 years?

A midwifery degree is 3 years. You may well need to do an access course prior to the degree. Many people apply multiple years before being accepted, it's very competitive.

Would you be able to do school runs while doing an access course? If you need access.

If you don't need access have you got a degree place? Because if not this could all be very hypothetical.

Sorry, see you have a degree already? So are you a nurse doing the 18 months course? Afaik it's either a 3 year degree or an 18 month conversion course. There's no 2 year midwifery programme?

So pleased for the kids sake you have found a workable compromise although it is tough for you, things should get easier when the kids get more settled - which will happen eventually. So pleased as well that Mum's family are stepping up a bit - that at least gives the kids some continuity.
You are a star though - it would have been so easy to say it couldn't happen.

@Hecateh dud you not see what she wrote about the mums family?