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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

DSS's mum is demanding we meet.

115 replies

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 18/04/2019 12:00

DSS 12
Married 4, together 10.
Very difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Great relationship with DSS. The mum is demanding we meet to discuss how we can be at 'better ease with each other' I'm refusing, as I'm not at ease with someone who has abused me for 10 years ? Is this ok to stand my ground and say no? DH wants us to meet as refusal he thinks will cause WW13. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 19/04/2019 21:35

She is refusing to let DSS come over while I continue to be disrespectful !!! Utter nuts

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 19/04/2019 21:55

She'll crack before you OP. Stay strong!

turnitdownanotch · 19/04/2019 23:04

She is refusing to let DSS come over while I continue to be disrespectful !!! Utter nuts

Then I hope your husband is getting on the phone to a lawyer ASAP.

Weenurse · 20/04/2019 02:09

She sounds like a nutter, sorry.
Stay away and let DH deal

PerspicaciaTick · 20/04/2019 02:25

She threw out any respect you might ever have held for her when she verbally abused you.
Before there can be any movement, she needs to think of some ways of demonstrating her respect for you. Not to try and set you up for round 2 of the fight with a side order of emotional blackmail.

Laloup1 · 20/04/2019 08:40

I love your user name - think this could be the official mantra of the SM trying to live life with a hostile ex to cope with.

Magda72 · 20/04/2019 08:47

Lordy op - she sounds bonkers. No matter what dh says don't give in. As a pp said I'd be on to dh's solicitor - denying visits for something like this is insane. She's a bully who needs to be stood up to.

Singlenotsingle · 20/04/2019 08:50

You need an apology for the rudeness and insults first, before agreeing to meet.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2019 10:11

She is refusing to let DSS come over while I continue to be disrespectful !!! Utter nuts

I wonder exactly what she tells her DS is the reason he's not seeing his dad.

You threads like this really show that despite how a lot of MN members jump to defend women and blame men for everything that goes wrong in a relationship, that women are just as manipulative if not more so than men.

In fact, in a lot of blended families, it seems his Ex is the one who remains eternally bitter, stops the kids from going to their wedding... insults the new DP/DW.

I don't see that her Ex gives the new man grief or makes demands to meet him or any other nonsense.

OP... ignorether attempt to blackmail you. Your DH needs to sort custody our via the courts and put an end to this stupidity.

She seems to think she holds the status of your majesty HRH. The woman needs to be knocked of that pedestal and receive a dose of reality.

The reason she's throwing a strop now is because you've bowed down and given in to her in the past.

Doesn't your DH have direct communication on the phone with his son?

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 21/04/2019 01:46

DSS apparently doesn't want to see me or DH as we are being disrespectful towards his mum. He also thinks we are fake and shallow. DH is only allowed to speak to DSS on loud speaker while his mum is in the room. As the thought of talking to his dad is giving him anxiety. The phone that DH bought and pays for is mysteriously out of charge currently. It sounds made up. I wish it was ....

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 21/04/2019 06:50

To start with I said meet her.
But you did know her well, let her continue.
But send her a letter asking for access.
Ask her to write back with reasons for saying no.
Then use it with solicitors to gain what you want.

youarenotkiddingme · 21/04/2019 07:01

Go and have your phone set to voice record and meet in public. The first insult or name walk away.

This was exactly the first thing I thought.

Debsdp · 21/04/2019 07:28

I would definitely give her a wide berth! To say such nasty things to you previously and then presume that you would want to have anything to do with her afterwards suggests a very controlling person. I wouldn't even bother asking for an apology because it would be a meaningless gesture after all this time. If she talks like a bully, acts like a bully, then, guess what- she is a big, spiteful, probably jealous bully!

ScreamScreamIceCream · 21/04/2019 08:30

Contact is for the son's benefit only with his father. It is nothing to do with you as you don't have parental responsibility.

Your DH needs to get a back bone and to use the legal processes in place to ensure he maintains contact with his son. If he doesn't stand up to his ex when his son is an adult the boy will blame him for not standing up to his mother.

If your DH goes to mediation then court, and uses the fact his ex refuses contact because of you she will look absolutely ridiculous.

There is nothing stopping you using the law on your own to stop her harassing you. You have sufficient evidence though it would have been better to go to the police with some incidences as it would have made your case stronger.

You don't need to use solicitors if you cannot afford it but you do need to keep a level head and remember everything is for the best interests of the child.

SofaSurfer20 · 21/04/2019 08:36

Do it.

It'll make a better environment for your dss.

She may have realised what a shit shes been and want to make amends.

TowelNumber42 · 21/04/2019 08:46

Shouldn't your DH being going to court to get DS out of that environment and primarily living with you? I wouldn't leave my child with someone that prone to insane rages. The phone thing is chilling.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2019 11:34

There comes a point you have to ask yourself if the marriage is really worth it. I couldn't be dealing with all this nonsense and bowing down to her...added with the blackmail.

MzHz · 21/04/2019 19:22

Let your h deal with his ex and his ds. Just let him get on with it.

Don’t cave to her insane demands. If dss wants to come round, he knows he’s welcome but not at any price

MzHz · 21/04/2019 19:23

You’re about to start ivf, you don’t need this crap in your life

Say no, mean it and let him deal with his ex

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 22/04/2019 05:24

Not sure what the next step is to be honest, DSS and ex are currently ignoring DH. We had plans to see DSS yesterday - big family lunch. He obviously wouldn't/was stopped from coming. DH tried to call to speak to him and was told by both ex and DS to stop calling as they were just 'enjoying their day' DH has tried again to make contact and it's just radio silence. @SandyY2K marriage is totally worth it, we only have 6 more years really of having to have any contact with her. Legally speaking, I'm not naive enough to think that as soon he turns 18 it will stop. But think he'll realise that his mother is an idiot long before then......DH wouldn't go for full custody as he doesn't think he'd get it due to his work pattern. (International travel, weekly) and much as she is nuts, he thinks pulling DS away from her would do more damage than good at this stage.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 22/04/2019 07:04

Can you go just for the sake of your OH? Don't go with the intention to listen to her but support your OH. Let them talk, don't get involved, tell her what she wants to hear but ultimately do what you think your OH and you think is right.

The priority at this stage is to restore the relationship between your OH and his son.

SandyY2K · 22/04/2019 07:48

we only have 6 more years really of having to have any contact with her.
The thing is you don't know what nonsense she's filling his head with and I wouldn't bank on him realising his mum is an idiot. Far from it.

Infact he may pull away even more. Many adult DC have no relationship with their fathers.

At 12 you might expect him to just focus on the fact that he enjoys spending time with his dad, not be drawn into believing his mum has been disrespected, so he is no longer able to see his dad.

If he believes all that, the next 6 years will only become worse and it could be that so much damage is done to get their relationship back on track.

Would his Ex not agree to meet him alone without you?

Rumbletum2 · 22/04/2019 08:03

I’d go. I’d hate it but I’d go. For the sake of DSS and keeping a relationship with him.

But I’d record EVERYTHING and if later on DSS decided to blank you and DH again on his fucking awful mother’s say so I’d play him the recording.

Rumbletum2 · 22/04/2019 08:05

^ I mean to prove you were “respectful” or, if she causes a scene, to prove she was the instigator.

Pinkybutterfly · 22/04/2019 08:25

I don't understand why some men put up with this crap. He is his son. Why is he not going to court to demand to have access to his son on the assigned days? Also all the abuse over SMS I would go the police fuck that shit she is raising his son I wouldn't allow my partner to let any of my children think that's normal behaviour, same as calling using loud speaker etc I'm sorry but she is alienating that child. I wouldn't go. Why does she know if you have any fertility issues? Seriously it's time to let her know that her manipulative behaviour isnt gonna take her nowhere. Good luck

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