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Original poster

DSS's mum is demanding we meet.

115 replies

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 18/04/2019 12:00

DSS 12
Married 4, together 10.
Very difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Great relationship with DSS. The mum is demanding we meet to discuss how we can be at 'better ease with each other' I'm refusing, as I'm not at ease with someone who has abused me for 10 years ? Is this ok to stand my ground and say no? DH wants us to meet as refusal he thinks will cause WW13. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Banhaha · 18/04/2019 15:52

The comment might have been 6 months ago but it sounds pretty hurtful so it's not something easily forgivable especially when it doesn't seem it's been apologised for.

I think she should at least apologise and you'd have to feel she genuinely wants things to change. If you do go and she's horrible again I'd just walk away, its not part of being a stepmum to have to be treated so badly.

I think a PPs suggestion of asking what topics she'd like to cover before hand might help if you did plan to meet up.

MeridianB · 18/04/2019 19:03

Hi OP
As your DSS is 12, you are very close to a time when the balance of power between his mother and your DH will even out as DSS will be able to speak up more about contact etc so I don’t buy the proposition of ‘we need to do this’. And if you haven’t met her in a decade then why the sudden need. All of this is relevant if you had a ‘normal’ or benign relationship.

But seeing as she has been vile then no. Just no. Don’t get emotionally blackmailed into anything.

You have a good relationship with your DSS, which speaks volumes so just keep doing what you’re doing.

Emma40fornow · 18/04/2019 21:41

*I agreed to meet her 6 months ago, the last conversation ended when she called me an infertile spoiled whore

I don't think you need to meet her after this!!

Ourmaud · 18/04/2019 21:48

I’d ask her to set out her reasoning as to why she thinks this meeting will be any better than previous ones. I’d also lay out your ground rules I.e your relationship and your home life and children/ fertility are off limits. You wish to discuss your stepchildren exclusively and any deviation from this topic will be seen and reported to the court/ ss/ cafcass or whoever is involved as non cooperation. Make it blatant you’re there only for the children not for her or dh. For them, because you love them and want the best for them even if it means some unpleasant company for you now and again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2019 21:52

Why does your husband want to pander to someone who’s behaved so disgustingly towards his wife?

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 22:05

@ourmaud

any deviation from this topic will be seen and reported to the court/ ss/ cafcass or whoever is involved as non cooperation

I don't believe any authorities are involved, so there's no reporting it to anyone.

There's no good reason to meet someone who speaks to you like that.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 22:12

@Justwantaneasylifenowplease

Why has the relationship between you and her been so difficult?

What caused her to take such a disliking to you?

You've been with him since DSS was 2 years old... so he they split when their son was very young....did he leave her for you by any chance?

HeckyPeck · 18/04/2019 22:52

There’s no reason for you to meet her.

She’s awful.

If anyone should have put your step son’s needs first it’s her. Before her desire to be abusive towards you.

I would not meet her. And I’d tell my husband to never mention any further requests to me because the answer will always be no.

Stan18 · 18/04/2019 22:53

I’d stay away. Way away. You’ve been doing what you do for 10 years, why does she want the sudden chat now?!

My OHs ex (and their sons mum) was absolutely disgusting to me when we first got together. Publicly bashing me, called me a ‘kiddy fiddler’, said I had hurt their son as he had a bruise, and said I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere near their son. He was 1 at the time. Luckily people who knew me knew that she was chatting utter bs but her comments stuck with me.
We don’t talk now unless completely essential, and me and OH have been together 10 years this year, and have two girls (7 & 1). Literally the only time we will talk is when it has something to do with their son and for whatever reason she can’t talk to OH (most recently we had him overnight on a school night, OH had work so I took him to school and I let her know he got there safe and on time).

I know she still bitches about me, but I really don’t care now. Me & OH have been together too long now to let something this petty matter.
I think if there was some sort of relationship issue then I’d meet, with OH, in a public place and voice record too. I certainly wouldn’t do it alone. But as your relationship is okay and there aren’t any issues I’d say sod it and ignore the cow.

livinglavidavillanelle · 18/04/2019 22:54

Hmmm that's a hard one. I'm inclined to say I'd swerve it to honest, after the way she spoke to you previously. It would be different if she said she wanted to meet to apologise and move forward, but the way you said it it doesn't seem to be that. Ordinarily I'd say it might be worth it for DSS sake, but in this case I'm not sure. I would take their opinion into account too.

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 19/04/2019 00:54

I've said to DH I'll meet her at some point. But not right now, We are about to start round 3 of IVF don't want the extra stress. DH is being a bit grumpy about it and thinks I should just meet her to get on the 'front foot' to see what she wants. If there was an issue with DSS, I'd completely meet. But there isn't. For what ever reason she wants attention, courts drama.
I wasn't the OW, they split when DSS was very little and I met DH soon after. She hasn't really got over it, just 6 months ago she was encouraging DH to leave me. When she requested a meeting 6 months ago, it was because she had cancer and was dying. She wanted to know I'd parent DSS like my own. Needless to say she doesn't have cancer or is dying, but a ploy to get some attention. She by her own admission was not able to tolerate her previous step children and I think she questions how I am able to love DSS, when she was unable to.
Thanks for all your advice. Very helpful, have now blocked her on the method of contact used to approach me and will move on.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 01:11

just 6 months ago she was encouraging DH to leave me.

On what basis?... and I hope he told her his marriage is none of her business.

It sounds like he gives her too much of an audience...for her to have the audacity to say what she did.

have now blocked her on the method of contact used to approach me

Excellent.

DH is being a bit grumpy about it and thinks I should just meet her to get on the 'front foot' to see what she wants

He's coming across as scared of her. There's no getting on the front foot while she's called the meeting. It's on her terms....she'll be in control.

Plus the cancer story... what's her explanation?

I'm just aghast that your DH is happy to pander to her and disregard your feelings in the process.

Quite honestly he should be telling her that after how she spoke to you 6 months ago, there will be no meeting...until she is able to apologise. Simple

Has he ever challenged her on her treatment towards you?

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 19/04/2019 05:22

He does challenge her often, this usually results in her being difficult regarding access. He is worn down by it. Generally she will fixate on something and not stop until she gets her own way, this is the current obsession.
We never found out what happened with the supposed cancer, it was never talked about again to DH.
She wanted DH to leave me, for what reason. So DSS didn't have to share his dad. Volatile is a kind way to describe her.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 19/04/2019 08:52

No, you don’t need to extra stress and she just wants some attention.

Given what you’re going through right now ignore her and allow yourself the space.

Mememeplease · 19/04/2019 09:00

Don't feed the drama. Be grey rock.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 09:20

Well she needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her. She should focus on her DS and communicate with her Ex and leave you alone.

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 19/04/2019 12:07

Apparently I'm being disrespectful by not meeting her demands .......DH is getting a huge amount of abuse via text

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 19/04/2019 12:11

Not your problem OP.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 19/04/2019 12:20

You DH needs to get a back bone. Tell him to put turn his phone off today.

I've already messaged you with some advice. You have more of a DH problem than a DH's ex problem.

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 19/04/2019 12:26

He's not responding just leaving her to spout x

OP posts:
EL8888 · 19/04/2019 12:27

I don’t see why you should meet her. Cynically then l think it’s another opportunity to abuse you. You and DH shouldn’t be held to ransom by her

NorthernSpirit · 19/04/2019 13:14

I get this all the time. Blah blah blah.... i’m The mother of the children therefore should be bowed down to and my demands met.

She sounds batshit and not emotionally detached if after 10 years she’s still trying to exert her control and is texting your OH when she doesn’t get her own way.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not feed her fire. The child is old enough to cut her out of the equation.

MeridianB · 19/04/2019 14:14

Fake cancer, now this, something different soon. Ignore ignore ignore and just protect DSS.

Foxmuffin · 19/04/2019 14:15

Step Mother’s can do nothing right and Mother’s can do nothing wrong!

MeridianB · 19/04/2019 14:15

By the way, anyone who fakes cancer is beneath contempt, especially as her son may have been hurt by it.

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