DSS's mum is demanding we meet.

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

DSS 12
Married 4, together 10.
Very difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Great relationship with DSS. The mum is demanding we meet to discuss how we can be at 'better ease with each other' I'm refusing, as I'm not at ease with someone who has abused me for 10 years ? Is this ok to stand my ground and say no? DH wants us to meet as refusal he thinks will cause WW13. Thoughts?

After the verbal attack you've described, I would be saying that I wouldn't be meeting her unless she fully apologised and took accountability for her actions. If she truly wants to move on then I would be tempted to make the effort but I would want to be convinced there weren't other motives. You do not have to be verbally abused simply because its DSS's mum

Usually I’d say go and meet her, be the bigger person.

But after ten years there if there has been no need to meet before, there certainly isn’t now. Your DSS is nearly a teenager so is able to communicate with you and his Mother without any need for anyone else’s intervention.

Sounds like she is trying to get some attention. In the circumstance do not feed the troll!

Ummmmm..... no. What does she want to call you this time? It's been ten years. Six months since last time, and she's not going to have changed her tune. DH is a naive tool. Forget it.

Also ironic how the person that’s caused the issues (in being unforgivably rude) now wants to make friends with no acknowledgement of why you’re not friends - ie her behaviour!

The irony!

My DH exW has behaved like this. She starts an unprovoked tirade of abuse and then starts a “let’s be friends for the children” campaign whilst stimutaneously blaming DH for the fact they don’t get along. She could argue with herself in a phone box.

I agreed to a meet with ex new wife.
The whole thing was set up to try and trip me up about things, and she tried to use stuff we talked about against me for months afterwards.
I genuinely thought she wanted to make amends and have an amicable relationship
I’d say, go with your gut instinct, and after your last update - def not! Why would you give an abuser your time?

Go for DSD and DH sake. Be the loveliest, sweetest most reasonable version of you that you can be. Make sure she goes away wondering why the hell she had felt it necessary to cause you problems in the past. Absolutely shine. It's a powerful feeling and the only weapon you have against an ex.

No. Why put yourself through that?
If your DH doesn’t understand then he’s an idiot.

Make sure she goes away wondering why the hell she had felt it necessary to cause you problems in the past. Absolutely shine. It's a powerful feeling and the only weapon you have against an ex

IME this will make absolutely shite all difference to someone like that. Dps ex hates me, I mean really hates me, told me she "knew people who would get rid of me" told me she wanted my unborn baby to die, I mean she is pure evil. I have, throughout, been nothing but nice to her.

We have never sat down and spoken, but have bumped into each other several times and actually met the first time at dps parents house (she assaulted dp in the street that day). I have always just smiled at her and said hi. Nothing else, never said a bad word about her to the kids.

Even now over 6 years later, if she sees me in the street (Which she does frequently as we now live closer) she literally stops dead and stares at me. Wont say hi, wont walk past me, just glares until I walk past.

Sorry but it’s not about you. Unless you feel there is a risk of physical harm you put the kids mental well being first.

My ex and his new wife lied about me and gave me absolute hell but putting my child first I still smiled and was nice because it’s important for the child to witness that you can all get on. It removes pressure on the kids, means they feel safe going from one to the other and teaches about adulting.

I can fully understand why you don’t want to but personally I would do it because it’s not about your wants but the kids needs

Tell her that you'll consider meeting her once she's apologised for her previous behaviour.

op meeting their (mental) mother isn't going to help them at all, when they have probably already heard all the horrible things that come out of her mouth.

What would help them is her not being a twat in front of them.

He is 12. He doesn't need op and his mum to be best mates, he needs them both to not say anything negative in front of him about one another. That's it.

After what she said.... NO.

I’d also tell your OH to fuck of and stop pressuring you, if she causes WWW3 that’s all on her toes.

Tbh I’d be really annoyed at your OH

Karigan195 that’s really admirable - but not every else has to throw themselves repeadily under the bus.

Sounds like a really forced situation, you’ve been together so long that any relationship you could have had is long gone.
Given she was so vile recently I’d decline it.

@Karigan195 Sorry but it’s not about you. Unless you feel there is a risk of physical harm you put the kids mental well being first.

The OPs mental wellbeing is also important. The children are not harmed by OP not going to meet their mum and potentially have more abuse hurled their way. Yes having stepchildren involves sacrifices but it shouldn't mean putting yourself in the firing line for abuse.

It would be great if everyone could get along but unless their mum apologises to OP beforehand I can't see why they should be pressured to meet her.

Bollocks it’s in no way throwing yourself under a bus repeatedly. But how the hell do any of you people saying no ever expect to get to a decent coparenting position when you’ll all solely concerned with your own feelings and what she said 6 months ago.

To get there someone has to take a step forwards and if the mother is foolish enough to continue with her mental behaviour it will reflect badly on her for the future. But if you never take a positive step forwards then the situation will never get better.

The old your step son gets the less reason there is for you to meet her. And I wouldn't meet anyone who called me names.

Were you the OW? Is that where the 'whore' reference comes from?

Karigan195 admirable but now 10 years later her DSS has a great with her, the relationship with his mum broke a long time ago. Meeting isn’t going to fix that? It won’t make the past disappear and it won’t bring forgiveness. He will have accepted that’s the way it is

Short term thinking. When there are marriages, illnesses, big parties etc etc in the future I will be glad my son does not have undue pressure put on him because the parental figures cant get on. What you guys do with your families is your own problem.

Op doesn’t have to co-parent. Her OH does that with the child’s mother.

The mother and step mother do not need to have relationship. It’s irrelevant.

If you choose to be submissive to your ex wife that’s your prerogative but not a move every one has to take

Submissive? 😂😂😂😂 that one will amuse me for the rest of the day.

it’s not about your wants but the kids needs

I disagree. They've managed fine for 10 years and putting yourself in front of such an abusive person is madness.

You wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, her being DSS mum doesn't give her a pass to insult you.

If this was a new relationship then I would say there are potential grounds to clear the air so to speak, although I would always tread with caution after my own experiences.

However after ten years and the kind of abuse she has hurled your way I wouldn’t be meeting this woman in a million years. And assuming you’ve never said anything against her, the DS is twelve not a baby, he knows the score.

And I really don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to always come along and question whether someone was the OW. You know what? It’s possible for someone to be a vile twat without having reasons behind it.

I would be annoyed with your DH though OP. Why is he still scared of this woman after ten years? I’d be telling him to sort that one out as well...

FWIW I met my ex’s new DP about six months into their relationship. It wasn’t anything like a planned meeting, event we were all at so to speak. She was (or appeared to be) lovely. However my ex wasted no time in telling me that she had very decided views about me. And as her relationship with him strengthened so her attitude towards me (and everyone else as it happens) changed. And although she’s never confronted me in particular, I am aware that she has screamed vile insults about me across public places during arguments etc. Now I wouldn’t go out of my way to confront her, she isn’t worth it. But equally I don’t think I’d go out of my way to help her either.

In this situation I would be inclined to meet, in a public place, with a friend or two lurking in the background and I would record everything.

That said, I have had similar requests from abusive family members. If we were to meet then I'd do the plan above, however, it never gets that far.

I always send a brief message saying something like "Thanks for your message. Before we arrange to meet I'd like to be clear about what outcome you are looking for and how you think we'll get to that outcome. Then I can think about whether that works for me. Drop me an email when it's convenient."

I get one of these responses:
(a) total silence
(b) a fuck ton of irrelevant abuse
(c) a passive aggressive email about how the abuser is the real victim along with actual aggression and lies because they just can't help themselves.

In all cases I then don't meet because there's no point.

I think meeting gives her too much power and there is no indication the SS mental health or wellbeing is an issue.