DSS's mum is demanding we meet.

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

DSS 12
Married 4, together 10.
Very difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Great relationship with DSS. The mum is demanding we meet to discuss how we can be at 'better ease with each other' I'm refusing, as I'm not at ease with someone who has abused me for 10 years ? Is this ok to stand my ground and say no? DH wants us to meet as refusal he thinks will cause WW13. Thoughts?

[Foxmuffin]

@TowelNumber42

Do you think a court would remove the child from the mothers care for that? They wouldn’t. Fathers have a terrible time at the hands of bitter, manipulative women.

(disclaimer I know it works both ways)

[TowelNumber42]

I'd gather evidence, get a shit hot lawyer and try hard. Even if the only result would be that later the child would know I had bothered to try and save them.

[Livelovebehappy]

I never asked for or wanted a meet up with SM. As far as I was concerned she wasn’t relevant enough for me to have dialogue with. I trusted my ex DH to make sure our DCs were safe whilst with him and were in a safe environment.

[MariaNovella]

Definitely do not meet your DSS’s mother. You are not DSS’s parent. Only his two parents need discuss how they share parenting.

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

The boat of me meeting her has sailed. She is now fixated on how terrible a father DH is. (This is what happens, she gets fixed on things) She is behind on her private school fees (the school she picked without consult from DH) and is calling DH all the names under the sun because he won't pick up the debt and continue the payments. In addition to his maintenance payments. She is also refusing to attend or pay for mediation to resolve the matter. Such a mess.

[justilou1]

Yep - she’s cray cray!

[MzHz]

He needs to block her and ignore everything

If I didn’t know better I’d say your h ex is my dh ex. The fixation and aggression when she doesn’t get her own way is identical

She wanted to insist on a meet up too. Stipulated that she needed 15 mins alone with me... yeah right! Like I’m gonna walk blindly into that one!

Poisonous.

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

@MzHz 15mins ? My demand was 30 minutes ...... it's idiotic as she is refusing to let DH talk or see DSS until he goes to mediation.
Not sure she understands how mediation works ......
Mediator:so why are you here?
DH:my ex refuses to let me see my son until I've been to mediation.
Mediator: oh ok then ......
Ex will need to then pay, or allow her case to go straight to court. Not sure she's very bright nor thought this through.

[MzHz]

It was the fixation on meeting me, and due to location the inconvenience was enormous and it’s like she had me bugged to know exactly when I’d be most stressed and the ‘meet me’ issue came up without fail

In the end I wrote a letter, assuring her of best intent towards dsc and if she had any queries to raise them with her exh directly.

She wrote back to me. Poor dsc trembled handing that over. :(

When dsc left the room I binned the letter.

I knew that anything she’d written would be to cause issues somehow, and given the experience we’d already had of her, would be a complete fabrication

Like the time I hacked her email, broke her Facebook and so on and on and on...

She STILL went on about the meet up and eventually dh said that there would be no meeting and to drop it. Ok he wasn’t as subtle as I was trying to be, but subject got dropped.

[MzHz]

I’d suggest that your h just goes straight to court to get access sorted

They do this to feel in control. It’s petty and it’s all they got, but it’s wrong and it harms the relationship the children have with both parents

Nobody wins.

We had similar situation, dc were being effectively harmed by the ex grilling for info, or manipulating them to get them to extract something out of their dad, or ex’d manipulate simply to upset the dc to ruin their time with their dad. H effectively had to back off so that dc weren’t ‘valuable’ to the ex as weapons against their dad.

It’s sick and disturbing to watch, and exhausting to be constantly on the lookout for to try to protect the dsc.

[AvengersAssemble]

Your DSS is old enough to maintain a relationship with both of you without his mum or you being involved. I would say to leave your DH and DSS too it and remove yourself out of it, so no, you do not need to discuss anything with her as it's none of your concern.
After what she called you I do not blame you one bit OP.

[AvengersAssemble]

Op she does not need to even contact your DH really, his DS can talk on his own. It sounds like she is creating trouble because you are going through IVF. I genuinely would set up a specific email for her and tell her all communication is to be done through email, then get your DH to block her number.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

What an awful situation and so stupid of her to alienate you when you have so much contact with her son.

Personally I think Mums should make an effort to be friendly to SMs as it's much harder to feel unkindly to a child if you feel positively about their other parent.

[ScreamScreamIceCream]

@MzHz you need to go to mediation first now unless there is proven evidence of domestic abuse. Unfortunately the OP didn't go to the police as their logs of the ex's behaviour towards them both would be enough for the OP DH's to go straight to court.

OP tell your partner to invite his ex to mediation. Make sure it is shuttle mediation using a male mediator so you are less likely to find one full of feminist bullshit. Ensure he turns up with a C100 form to each session. She will then have no audience for her behaviour and if she mucks about he can get the form signed then go to court. (I can give more advice on how to prepare but he needs to view it like a business meeting.)

My DP did shuttle mediation with his ex. She couldn't cope with the fact he wanted to be in a separate room and tried all sorts of tricks to try to be in the room with him. They didn't work so they got an agreed Parenting Plan out if it. His ex has a solicitor and she told her to go to mediation otherwise she would get worse if she went to court so she turned up. It didn't stop her nasty behaviour but helped to contain it for a while.

[Scorpiovenus]

Ive never met my partners ex, and if she asked wouldn't even get involved tbh.