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Original poster

Pregnant, Easter holidays, gestational hypertension and SPD misery.

160 replies

Namechangeextrodinaire93 · 17/04/2019 07:51

Hi all. Just for background, OH has a 9YO DD and together we have a 4 YO DD. Both at currently on Easter holiday. DSD broke up a week before DD so we had her last week from Sunday until Saturday.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and having quite a time of it. I’ve got gestational hypertension and was sent to hospital twice last week alone by the community midwife for a medication review and monitoring. I had to take DSD with me both times as OH was at work.

This week is looking to be pretty much the same. I’ve put my foot down for pretty much the first time ever and said to OH that I don’t feel well enough to look after both DC’s this week. It’s fallen on deaf ears and he’s agreed with DSD’s mum that we would have her from yesterday until next Monday - the day before she goes back to school. He never thought to ask me if this was ok, in fact he knew how much I was struggling.

This isn’t unusual for the holidays where DSD’s mum is concerned, she’s not usually bothered for having her for any length of time and as such I’ve never wanted DSD to feel as though she’s unwelcome here so have always just cracked on with it and tried to enjoy the holidays etc.

I’m struggling to walk very far thanks to my SPD and our two are a bit of a handful at the moment. My head is absolutely pounding today and my fingers/ankles have swelled up so I’m fully expecting to be sent to hospital today when I go and see the midwife.

My mum has also recently had a knee replacement so she can’t help with the kids either.

I got really upset about it all last night and OH just got mad and said he will never turn down an opportunity to have his DD which is fair enough but I feel as though these are exceptional circumstances. He can’t take any time off to help out or to even have them while I go to appointments. I’m really feeling quite disheartened, I was told to rest up as getting stressed will affect my BP in a negative way but I’ve just been left.

OP posts:
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lunar1 · 05/05/2019 13:30

I really hope you are out of there now, please don't go back.

timeisnotaline · 05/05/2019 15:56

Oh op I hope you’ve managed to leave. And that it’s the last time.

Original poster
Namechangeextrodinaire93 · 06/05/2019 22:04

Back in hospital Sad

My little girl is an absolute wreck from all of this upheaval/separation/uncertainty. She’s broken my heart tonight. I’m literally sobbing and have no idea what I’m going to do. Was hoping I’d have a few more weeks to sort things out or to at least get the ball in motion but the fact that things still aren’t settling is making them want to induce me sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 06/05/2019 22:32

Virtual hug OP Flowers
If you are away from that dreadful man, you are already in a much better position than you have been. I know that must be hard to believe but it’s 100% true. He was making your life harder and worse than it should have been. So therefore no him = better. If you are in hospital then you and your baby are in the best possible place. Yours and baby’s health is paramount, everything else can be dealt with later.
This too shall pass. You and your babies are going to be ok.

blackcat86 · 06/05/2019 22:43

Big virtual hug OP. I was you 8/9 months ago. Years of slogging away trying to be the perfect SM and a good wife/dd/dil. I got pregnant with a planned and much wanted baby and all the shit came tumbling down. I had an awful pregnancy but had no help in fact everyone would just sit and watch me run around before telling everyone how awful it was for them. When I stopped bedlam ensued and it would almost have been funny if it wasnt so sad. All anyone cared about was themselves and DH, and how my difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and affected them. 'Oh it was so upsetting for us black cat you have no idea'. Just stop op. Stop parenting adults (my therapist points this out to me and it was a fucking revelation!) who may want you to play mummy to them rather than being equal. Be selfish and think of yourself, your baby and your DD.Can your mum or friend help with DD so you know shes ok? Have you got somewhere supportive to stay when baby comes?

Weenurse · 07/05/2019 11:47

💐

Original poster
Namechangeextrodinaire93 · 07/05/2019 16:29

They’ve discharged me after 2 nights in hospital but I have to go for monitoring and BP checks every other week day until they induce me (which may be next Friday)

DD has stayed with OH or the duration of my hospital stay. I’ve picked her up and she’s black and blue on her shins, the back of her thighs, her ribs and her back plus she has scratches all over her face. I did question the scratches when I went to pick her up and OH said her and DSD were fighting. This is corroborated by DD who is very tearful, upset and nervous. Basically DSD has used her as a punchbag whilst I’ve been in hospital. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a new thing but I’m usually always there to intervene when things get heated between the two of them.

My little girl has been separated from me, knowing I was in hospital which is a place people go when they’re poorly. I’m so, so upset she’s been treated in this way. Apparently OH and SIL were muddling through the childcare together so somehow my 4 YO DD being hit, kicked, punched and scratched to an extent that she has bruises in several places has been missed!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2019 16:42

Where are you now you’ve been discharged?

You really really need to get yourself and your daughter away from this unholy mess somewhere safe. Your young child will be completely traumatised and you both need to get away from this awful neglectful cruel man and his violent child.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 16:43

Jesus Christ that is horrific. If they're as bad as you've said I'd be going to the Drs to get it logged

blackcat86 · 07/05/2019 16:43

Oh God, OP I'm so sorry for you and DD. You need to keep her safe and she should not be being beaten black and blue by a 9 year old. You need to find someone else to take her if you must. I know you dont need this stress but please take her to the GP to keep evidence of her injuries. You may need these if your relationship breaks down.

ByeClaire · 07/05/2019 16:49

Where are you staying OP? You have all the signs you need - literally, unfortunately - that your DP is a negligent father and husband. Some bruises and scratches from a sibling fight - yes. But not to this extent, not when she’s only 4 and at an age needing constant supervision.
Go to the GP suggested. Call social services.
And get the hell out of there.

lunar1 · 07/05/2019 16:53

Where are you now? I can't remember from the start of the thread, who owns the house? You need to get some kind of emergency housing sorted and never go back. Get the bruises and scratches seen by the GP, today if possible and take photos. This will at some point contribute (hopefully) to stopping him seeing your baby.

ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 17:20

Why on earth is DSD physically attacking her sister?
My kids are 8 and 4 and they don’t ever come to physical blows... EVER! They argue and annoy each other but neither child has ever bruised each the other Shock And if they did there would be massive repercussions

aweedropofsancerre · 07/05/2019 18:43

That is truly shocking. I feel for your poor DD. What has your OH said about the state of her?

SandyY2K · 07/05/2019 19:02

That's horrendous, I feel so sorry for you and DD.

This would be the final straw for me in the relationship tbh. His failure to protect his DD would have me seething. Your poor little girl.

If I was you I'd take pictures of the bruises for evidence. You may well need it.

peachsquish · 07/05/2019 19:16

Your poor little girl, and poor you. I know it will be difficult but please leave him.

Magda72 · 07/05/2019 19:34

That would be the final straw for me too op. You really need to get you & your dd away from this abusive man. There are NO excuses for him letting this happen.

Original poster
Namechangeextrodinaire93 · 07/05/2019 20:03

Hi all I’m back at my friends again, hoping to move in with my mum when baby makes her appearance.

I can’t let DD go back to her dad’s after this. One or two bruises can be easily explained away and is to expected but I’ve counted a total of 15 bruises covering her legs and trunk.

DSD is over twice DD’s age and size. She could do a lot of damage and it’s something I was incredibly wary of when they were playing together. Other people had noticed it too and even OH had made the odd comment. She must’ve been crying and telling her to stop when she was doing it and no one was there/bothered enough to keep her from being hurt Sad

I couldn’t get her in to see our GP tonight but have taken photos of her injuries.

I’ve rung OH and asked him if he’d noticed the fact that our DD was black and blue and he just said ‘well, you know how they are.’ Yes, I do but a 10 year old child should be old enough and mature enough to realise that hitting a 4 YO with such force that they’ve left a mark or hitting at all is fucking wrong!

She evidently need some help or counselling of some sort but I’m not happy with DD being around her when she’s capable this and certainly don’t want to have to hand over a baby who could be exposed to the same type of abuse.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 07/05/2019 20:17

Namechangeextrodinaire93 how truly dreadful. I have a 4 yr old and he has older siblings and never have they abused him and covered him in bruises. For your OH to excuse it as 'you know how they are' is shocking. There is a big difference between a 4 yr old and a ten yr old. The young lady needs some help if she is assaulting a 4yr old like that. You have clearly been dealing with alot over the past few years. I hope you can get some rest before your baby arrives and hope your OH takes time to reflect on this situation.

RainbowWaffles · 07/05/2019 20:30

Jesus, have just RTT for the first time, you poor thing. You sound absolutely lovely and I am sorry you are having such an utterly shit time. For what it is worth, I think you have made the right call. You will have your hands full with DD and the new baby anyway so can’t be expected to do everything for DSD why her dad does bugger all. Add the violence into it and the decision is made for you. Inadequate supervision to that level is completely unacceptable and there is no excuse for his failure to protect your DD. To add insult to injury (quite literally), he is just minimizing it all. I am glad that you are taking steps to protect your DC. Hopefully you are able to rest a bit now. Good luck and stay strong.

SouthernComforts · 07/05/2019 20:34

Oh wow I've just read this full thread Sad. You've been a saint to put up with that dick head and his ex for so long. And once you were not there to protect her they (OH and Dsd) turned on your dd. Please leave this arsehole as soon as you can, he treats you like a servant and nanny not a partner!!

FrenchBoule · 07/05/2019 20:37

OP, this is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here.
Your OH doesn’t care about anybody except himself.
He’s neglecting his eldest DD, your one is battered whilst being supervised by him and allegedly SIL
What’s going to happen if your DSD lashes out and hits the baby?
Please find the way out of this relationship and put YOUR children first. Let the lazy fucks take care of their daughter.
Please report DD,s injuries with GP.
Wishing you strength 💐

FrenchBoule · 07/05/2019 20:38

Neither your OH or his not so charming ex sound like fit parent.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 10:30

Hi all I’m back at my friends again, hoping to move in with my mum when baby makes her appearance.

Excellent call.

I can’t let DD go back to her dad’s after this. One or two bruises can be easily explained away and is to expected but I’ve counted a total of 15 bruises covering her legs and trunk

I'd actually let his Ex also see the bruises on your DD.

I know kids can play rough, but this is horrendous bullying behaviour.

Your OH has shown his utter incompetence as a parent. I'm just gobsmacked. He must have heard your DD crying out for help. It makes me shudder.

lunar1 · 08/05/2019 11:00

Your daughter is still under a health visitor at her age. Get them out today to see the bruises. Abuse like this will be seen as a priority, if you'd have expletive reason to the GP you would also have been prioritised with them.

I have no idea if you will find the courage to leave him this time. You need to have as much on record as physically possible.

This will get worse and you need as long a paper trail as you can possibly get. If you diminish this you are risking this man having up to 50/50 care of your children.