Pregnant, Easter holidays, gestational hypertension and SPD misery.

[Namechangeextrodinaire93]

Hi all. Just for background, OH has a 9YO DD and together we have a 4 YO DD. Both at currently on Easter holiday. DSD broke up a week before DD so we had her last week from Sunday until Saturday.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and having quite a time of it. I’ve got gestational hypertension and was sent to hospital twice last week alone by the community midwife for a medication review and monitoring. I had to take DSD with me both times as OH was at work.

This week is looking to be pretty much the same. I’ve put my foot down for pretty much the first time ever and said to OH that I don’t feel well enough to look after both DC’s this week. It’s fallen on deaf ears and he’s agreed with DSD’s mum that we would have her from yesterday until next Monday - the day before she goes back to school. He never thought to ask me if this was ok, in fact he knew how much I was struggling.

This isn’t unusual for the holidays where DSD’s mum is concerned, she’s not usually bothered for having her for any length of time and as such I’ve never wanted DSD to feel as though she’s unwelcome here so have always just cracked on with it and tried to enjoy the holidays etc.

I’m struggling to walk very far thanks to my SPD and our two are a bit of a handful at the moment. My head is absolutely pounding today and my fingers/ankles have swelled up so I’m fully expecting to be sent to hospital today when I go and see the midwife.

My mum has also recently had a knee replacement so she can’t help with the kids either.

I got really upset about it all last night and OH just got mad and said he will never turn down an opportunity to have his DD which is fair enough but I feel as though these are exceptional circumstances. He can’t take any time off to help out or to even have them while I go to appointments. I’m really feeling quite disheartened, I was told to rest up as getting stressed will affect my BP in a negative way but I’ve just been left.

You poor, poor thing. Your oh is being an absolute d**k.
I don't want to dishearten you but you've got big problems here which you will have to address post birth.
For the moment, if I were you I'd pack up my dd & go to your mum's for a few days. I know you're mum can't physically help but at least you will be removing yourself as dsd's carer & as such your oh & his equally bad ex will be forced to parent THEIR child.
There is no way in hell I'd expect my ex's pregnant oh to mind my kids at 34 weeks pregnant with medical issues! What is she thinking?
And as for your oh.....can't put into words my feelings on his behaviour as it would probably upset you even more!
Please step away from this situation for a bit op & focus on yourself.

I just want to do whatever I’m doing with as little upheaval to DSD as possible.

I’m very wary of the fact that she’s old enough to know and sense that I’m having a difficult time and I don’t want her to think that’s her fault but I’m really struggling. They’ve already seen me sat in tears this morning and last night he made me feel as though I was the most unreasonable person in the world.

Im definitely tempted to pack a bag but I can’t do anything at the moment. OH is at work and I’ve got both of them.

Without trying to be pedantic, if both children were biologically yours what would you do? You just have to get on with it and make the best of the situation. Involve DSD, get her to help with the younger one. Book holiday clubs for her....

Wait until he gets home & go then. Could you have your mum (or another friend/family member) there with you for moral support?
I'm really not trying to advocate discord or upsetting your dsd who is of course not the problem in herself.

However she is not your child & you should be the extra adult in her life - NOT the primary carer & you cannot put your health at risk just because you don't want to upset her!
It enrages me how many men & their exes are happy to use new(er) partners as unpaid childcare for their children! And he's not being a fab dad taking his dd every opportunity he gets because HE'S not the one minding her or spending time with her - you are!!!
Your oh is obviously not open to discussion at the moment so imo the only way to make him see the seriousness of your condition & the ignorance of his attitude to you & his sd is to force it. Of course he may never see it but at the moment you need to keep yourself well & rested for your sake & that of your unborn child.
Honestly if I had him & his ex in front of me I'd kick them to touch.

@Justmemyselfandi999

They are not both biologically hers, are they? So, a pointless comparison.

Even so, if I was ill and two children needed to be looked after I would expect my DH/their father to take time off work to look after them.

As it is, the DSD could stay with her mother. The DP here is not taking an opportunity to see his child, he's at bloody work, he's taking the opportunity to dump his child on his unwell partner, with no conversation. In fact, the opposite of what she requested.

Of course he should make other arrangements. Of course the child's mother can look after her while the OP is unwell.

I agree with PP, pack up and go to your mum's.

@Justmemyselfandi999 - yes pedantic & totally unhelpful. They are not both OP's children so why say that????
There is an apparently able bodied dm in the equation who can't be arsed to have her dd & an able bodied df who can't be arsed to take time off work/arrange childcare for either of his children.
Typical MN step bashing as per usual.

I would wait until dh gets home and go with DD and stay with someone. It's too much to look after both the kids at the moment. Maybe he will listen in the future.

Ah OP I’m really feeling for you. I have a SS and myself and DH have had a similar argument many times before. He used the ‘not losing time’ argument with me too even though he would be at work so would only see SS for two hours max after work after I had looked after him all day. I think you’re right to put your foot down and tell him to pick DD up from her mums on the way back from work on the evenings and drop her back off in the morning. Therefore he’s not losing his time but you dont have to struggle with both DCs for the whole day. I’m sure she would be just as happy at her mums. Your DP being completely inconsiderate.

JustmemyselfandI999 I’m guessing you have no step children of your own with your response?

The OP doesn't mention why DSDs mother isn't looking after her own child. If this is pre agreed contact, or normal pattern, then yes I stand by what I said in that as a family they just need to make the best of a bad situation. If OPs husband is the only one working and providing for the family, then it may not be possible for him to take time off of work. In those circumstances I'd suggest holiday club or paid help, surely DSD is less trouble than a 4yr old who will need constant supervision and entertaining?

OP, you sound like you are on the brink of pre-eclampsia with those symptoms, did you say you are seeing your midwife today?

If this carries on you are likely to be admitted to hospital and then what will your DH do? Is this normal behaviour for him?

If he can't look after his children himself then you need to look into getting some childcare (holiday clubs, nursery, emergency nanny) to help you out at home.

This stuff is serious, you are not well, you can't just keep going. If needs be you will absolutely have to go to your mum's for a rest.

I hope you feel better soon.

At least as big as the physical and practical difficulties you are facing is your husbands stinking, rotten attitude towards you.
I agree with advice to remove yourself from the situation. If you’re not there, you can’t be dumped upon. At this time of all times YOU, OP, and what you need should be top priority, not the wants of your husband and his ex. End of story.

Shocking behaviour from your DH! Is he normally so uncaring and selfish?

You really need to rest and looking after 2 dc will not help with that!

What does he do? Can he actually take time off if he needs to? Could he work from home? Can u book the dc into a holiday club for a few hours?

Don't struggle on OP. You need solutions and DH needs to help facilitate that.

This evening take your DD to your mum's abs stay there with her. Tell your OH he needs to make alternative arrangements between him and his Ex.

If you were admitted to hospital he would take time off. Any half decent employer would understand. Or he can make use of holiday clubs for your DSD.

He's lumbering you with the responsibility of looking after his DD.

@memyselfandi, yes, if she was mine then I’d get on with it but she isn’t. So you’re missing the point a bit there.

I’ve had to take maternity leave early because I’ve been so poorly so, yes, OH can’t take time off work and this is a regular holiday pattern. We can’t afford to send either children to holiday clubs etc. DSD’s mum works 16 hours a week (8 of which are on weekends when we have DSD anyway) it wouldn’t be so bad if my mum could help out but she can’t so as I’ve said, these are exceptional circumstances. The lives of myself and unborn child are in danger to put it bluntly.

I’m getting ready to go to my midwife appointment. If my BP is severely raised then I’ll have to drive to the nearest MAU which is an hour away with 2 children to be assessed yet again.

A 9yo doesn't need anywhere near the amount of looking after a 4yo does so I don't see an issue.

Another child was an active choice just like you knew there were exisiting children. You don't get to pick and choose if you care about the children. Imagine how she would feel knowing you want her to stay away because she's a burden during your new pregnanc as that's the message you will send.

BP was 190/110 and that’s on medication! I’ve had to bring both DSD and DD to hospital with me. Both are misbehaving which has caused my BP to rise slightly to 195/115. i fetches magazines, colouring books and pencils but they’re arguing over who has what colour now.

I’m fed up, in pain and now, fucking furious to boot. I can’t even get hold of OH!

@IceCreamandCandyFloss well you tell me then, where the actual fuck are her parents whilst I’m sat in MAU trying not to lose my shit with worry!

Even if they were both mine, I’d be expecting that someone would be able to help out with at least one of them.

And funnily enough, at the moment, the 9YO is taking more out of me than the 4YO. Winding up, snatching things and hitting. So please do not presume that it’ll be a doddle!! Because it isn’t.

Tonight leave dh with both dc and get yourself off to your dm's. And switch your phone off.

@Easterbunny if I get out of hospital that’s what I’ll be doing!

OP - please try to ignore IceCream for the sake of your BP. Everyone else here is in your corner - you can safely ignore people who have spectacularly failed to understand the issue.

Wow, just wow at some of the responses here. Have a little bloody empathy.

The woman is in hospital and has 2 bickering kids, despite only one of them being hers.

It's all very well your husband not turning down time with HIS child, bit he's not doing the bulk of the care. The pregnant, ill woman is.

OP I hope you get hold of your husband soon, he needs to drop his daughter off with her mum as you are too unwell. He also needs to find someone to look after the 4 year old. Otherwise yours and your unborn baby's lives are in danger.

They are not both biologically hers, are they? So, a pointless comparison

No, it's not pointless. The fact is that so often the SC are seen as the problem, when actually it's so many other factors that are causing the real issue. There are three children here, yet it's the SC's fault. In reality, the DH in this case has toddled off to work leaving all three of his biological children to be looked after by someone who is clearly not able to do so. There's the problem.

OP, with a BP that high I will be very surprised if they let you go home as that is bordering on a hypertensive crisis. I would prepare to be admitted. Quite frankly I think you need to be as it's pretty clear you won't be getting any rest at home.

Your DH needs to step up. I hope you get hold of him soon.

Is there anyone else at all that can help you? I can't remember whether your DH's family are around at all? I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope they get your BP under control soon. I've had a BP that high when I had PE and I felt pretty shit physically, they had to give me oramorph as nothing else touched the headaches so I really do feel if you.

@OllyBJolly I’ve never once blamed DSD, if you look back through my posts, the blame is wholly directed at her parents!