Pregnant, Easter holidays, gestational hypertension and SPD misery.

[Namechangeextrodinaire93]

Hi all. Just for background, OH has a 9YO DD and together we have a 4 YO DD. Both at currently on Easter holiday. DSD broke up a week before DD so we had her last week from Sunday until Saturday.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and having quite a time of it. I’ve got gestational hypertension and was sent to hospital twice last week alone by the community midwife for a medication review and monitoring. I had to take DSD with me both times as OH was at work.

This week is looking to be pretty much the same. I’ve put my foot down for pretty much the first time ever and said to OH that I don’t feel well enough to look after both DC’s this week. It’s fallen on deaf ears and he’s agreed with DSD’s mum that we would have her from yesterday until next Monday - the day before she goes back to school. He never thought to ask me if this was ok, in fact he knew how much I was struggling.

This isn’t unusual for the holidays where DSD’s mum is concerned, she’s not usually bothered for having her for any length of time and as such I’ve never wanted DSD to feel as though she’s unwelcome here so have always just cracked on with it and tried to enjoy the holidays etc.

I’m struggling to walk very far thanks to my SPD and our two are a bit of a handful at the moment. My head is absolutely pounding today and my fingers/ankles have swelled up so I’m fully expecting to be sent to hospital today when I go and see the midwife.

My mum has also recently had a knee replacement so she can’t help with the kids either.

I got really upset about it all last night and OH just got mad and said he will never turn down an opportunity to have his DD which is fair enough but I feel as though these are exceptional circumstances. He can’t take any time off to help out or to even have them while I go to appointments. I’m really feeling quite disheartened, I was told to rest up as getting stressed will affect my BP in a negative way but I’ve just been left.

I'm glad you are taking some time out today, you really need it.

I had very high BP in my first pregnancy and am aware of the risks of things like a stroke which is why I've harped on a bit about this being serious, it really is potentially life threatening to have an uncontrolled BP that high.

I think I'd take this opportunity to think about things long term. Seems as though everything works fine as long as you are constantly and permanently available to service everyone's needs. This is supposed to be a team effort but it doesn't seem like your DH is much of a team player.

If he is not going to prioritise you or take care of yo then you need to do that for yourself. I hope you have a more peaceful day today.

Don't understand "not being able to take time off work". Is he self employed? Or just can't be arsed? Or course he can take time off work, lazy fucker.

Is DSD always so rude and disrespectful?! As Sunshinegirl82 said it’s good you’re taking some time out today and don’t do everything for everybody. What was your DH like when you had your 1st child?

He’s been ringing me up saying that DSD’s mum now won’t be able to have DSD until tomorrow. Surprise, surprise!

Not my problem! I’ve had a lovely bath at my friend’s house with bubbles, candles and alcohol free lager! DD has been outside with my friend playing swing ball and having a great time. I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

He’s self employed, again, I don’t want to say what he does as I’ll be outed but he’s a one man band and probably doing the work of 3 men.

He was good with DD as a baby. Not the newborn stage but to be honest, she was attached to my boob 24/7. He’d help out with DSD a lot more when DD was a newborn too (we were having DSD 5 nights a week when DD was a newborn until her mum moved over an hour away and took DSD with her)

DSD never used to be this rude and disrespectful but I think she’s long through puberty early. She’s showing few signs. This morning culminated in her packing a bag of all of her supposedly shit clothes and threatening to bike back to her mum’s house away from me. She was always a little madam from the ages of 2-6 then she really calmed down and now she’s quite temperamental again.

Op I’m so glad. Please can you stay at your friends till after the working week has started? You need the rest and he needs to remember that she’s his daughter and he has to work out something even if he’s working, just like every other parent. And you really desperately need the rest, as others have said this is a risky health situation.

I had pre-ecamplsia OP and nearly died. Unborn DD also in danger and had to be born by emergency c-section. I needed emergency life-saving treatment too. It’s incredibly serious and I cannot believe that despite your hypertension being so bad, your DH is only interested in you doing childcare and not in the health of his unborn child and you. Or even the well-being of his existing 2 children - what if you collapsed while the sole adult with them?

I honestly think I’d be leaving him over this if it was me. If you stay with him, you really need to think about what boundaries you need to put in place so that he and his ex - and, frankly, their DD - don’t walk over you. I have a 9yo and they’d be worried and looking after me and their unborn sibling if I’d had to take them to hospital with me several times. They’d also be stepping up and ‘looking after’ any younger sibling, not squabbling more. Your DSD sounds emotionally immature, which isn't surprising given her parents’ attitudes to her , but frankly she’s only been compounding your stress and ill health.

@ByeClaire, sorry to hear you and your DD had to go through that. It must’ve been a very frightening experience for all of you.

I’ve explained the dangers of Pre E to OH. He just doesn’t seem to ‘get it,’ it’s been explained to him that my own mother and grandmother almost died thanks to Pre E and really, he needed to be alleviating any pressure from me that he possibly could.

If I’m honest, I’m aware that DSD’s mum is coming to pick her up just after dinner time today and I feel like turning up to tear strips off her too. I feel as though I can’t let this lie with either of them.

Yes, DSD is incredibly immature, not very independent etc but I’ve always put that down to a bit of attention seeking thanks to being passed from pillar to post and not really having a great deal of interaction with her mother.

Sorry your health issues are nothing to do with the EX- your DH is the issue

@stuffedpeppers have you read the whole thread? It absolutely does have to do with ex when she makes remarks like she’ll “just have to get on with it” when OP explained that she was too ill to look her child.
She’s a massive cunt too. Imagine leaving a seriously ill pregnant woman in distress and looking after your child after she’s made a cry for help to you?!

Jesus Christ OP they’re treating you appallingly. I would be reevaluating my relationship after this

@stuffedpeppers, usually I’d be inclined to agree with you but her general lack of interest in her own DD, willingness to knowingly leave her child with a heavily pregnant woman whose quite seriously unwell makes her a bit of a dick too.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the blame lies with OH but she certainly isn’t blameless either.

But the ex is impacting on her. Especially the ex’s love of offloading her child onto an unwell pregnant woman. It’s very shoddy and selfish

The ex is impacting on the OP in many ways, both directly and indirectly:

She is refusing to help out during a medical emergency. Despite only working 16 hours per week, most of it at the weekends, and therefore being able to have her DD - especially as the DH has her so much more. This is beyond selfish, it’s despicable, especially given there’s an unborn child whose health is at stake here.

Knowing it’s a medical emergency, she said she’d take her DD back a day early and now has gone back on that.

On a general basis she’s putting her own wants above the needs of her child, which is creating an insecure, attention-seeking child who is harder for the OP to manage.

@ByeClaire has summed it up pretty perfectly there!

DSD has gone back to her mum’s now. OH has asked if I’m coming back now she’s gone!

He honestly doesn’t get it 🤦‍♀️ he is the problem, not DSD.

He’s then told me how much he hasn’t been able to get done thanks to having to look after DSD. He didn’t bath/shower her last night, put suncream on her, brush her teeth or remember to get her to use her inhalers so DSD’s mum is furious by all accounts. Don’t get me wrong, these are all things that DSD is perfectly capable of - she does them herself with me there to ensure she’s doing it correctly but evidently, if she feels she doesn’t have to do it, then she won’t.

How on earth can a grown man have been a parent for 9 years and not manage the very basics??

Because he doesn't have to because you're picking up his slack OP! As far as I can see as things stand he gets to congratulate himself on being dad of the year because he "never turns down a chance to see his daughter" when her visiting has almost no impact on him because he's not there and you're carrying him. He now feels so entitled to your help that he no longer recognises it as help but as your responsibility.

I think a good few days away is a good very good idea if you can achieve it. I would also be unavailable at the weekend when I assume DSD will be returning? Until this baby is born I think you need to 100% prioritise yourself.

I hope you've had a more peaceful few days.

Sorry to hear he still doesn’t get it, OP. And thanks for your concern earlier about my past pre-eclampsia

I agree with everything Sunshinegirl said, and I’d add that he just had his DSD on his own, right? Didn’t have your DD? And he could t get her to do what he needed to. Leave them to it if your friend/mum can put you up longer. You can always say this is giving DSD much-needed Dad & Daughter time before the new baby

He needs to sort it out with his ex that they have a more equal custody routine.

What I’m not sure you can effect though, and which I feel for you about, is that he’s not prioritising your and your baby’s health and isn’t giving YOU the support and help you so need physically and emotionally.

Every time I try to ‘have it out’ with him he gets so defensive and can’t see how unreasonable he’s being. It all turns into a huge guilt trip so I’m left feeling like a twat. I feel as though I have to get so wound up, angry and upset before I just explode with anger and frustration and blurt it all out.

I’d much rather talk calmly and rationally but it’s always ‘I’ve got a lot going on, I really don’t need this right now’ and my personal favourite ‘well when her mum has her I have no idea who she’s leaving her with - she’d leave her with anyone to get rid of her.’ Well get full custody then!! At least we’d all know what we were doing and there’d be a formal plan in place! He’s always so stressed with his work and it feels like I’m the little flea in his ear nagging on about something insignificant and petty that he doesn’t have the time of day for.

Been to the midwife today and my BP was down to 130/80 which is MUCH better. Imagine all of the worry and stress that could’ve been saved if he’d taken the strain off me for a change last week.

He’s saying he’s sorry one minute and then letting me know how much trouble I've caused him the next. I popped back home today to grab some more bits for DD and the house is in an unbelievable state!! His dirty washing all over the floor, DSD’s dirty washing all over the floor. Empty packets all over the kitchen, the bin is over flowing with flies buzzing round it I could go on and on.

If I were to go back, he’d fully expect me to sort that shit show out and I’m not doing itv b

It takes two to argue.

He wants to guilt trip you? They're just words. Let them fall on you like water off a ducks back.
He's stressed with work. Give zero fucks.

DSD is no longer your problem. From now on he is 100% responsible for her. He needs to go to work. Then either he arranges childcare or he stays home.
He needs to run to the shop for bread then he takes her.

He can only stress you out if you let him. I hate to say it but he doesn't give a shit about you or the baby. Why should you worry so much about him?

@Sunshinegirl82

As far as I can see as things stand he gets to congratulate himself on being dad of the year because he "never turns down a chance to see his daughter" when her visiting has almost no impact on him because he's not there and you're carrying him. He now feels so entitled to your help that he no longer recognises it as help but as your responsibility.

Perfect post. You've nailed it.

This seems to be the attitude of far too many men when it comes to their DP/DW and DC from a previous relationship.

the bin is over flowing with flies buzzing round it

Why are you feeling guilty? That isn't him feeling stress ^^ That's him being a lazy minger. It takes 2 mins to change a bin bag and wipe down a bin.

Every time I try to ‘have it out’ with him he gets so defensive and can’t see how unreasonable he’s being.

Unless he has the IQ of a bin bag he does get it OP. He just won’t admit it so he can make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.

You said you felt like a weight had been lifted when you went to your friend’s. That’s how you’d feel permanently if you weren’t with him.

He whinges about DSD’s mum leaving her with anyone when he leaves you to do all the parenting? He hasn’t got a leg to stand on. He didn’t even give his own child her inhaler?

He’s either a complete idiot or a lazy fucker.

Sorry this is all coming to a head now OP, but if you can get out please thing about it.

Even you have said he’ll sometimes help you with DSD. Help you. To look after his child. He’s convinced you it is your job and he’s doing you a favour by helping every now and again.

How are you getting on OP? Glad to hear your BP is down...hope things are okay.xx

Even you have said he’ll sometimes help you with DSD. Help you. To look after his child. He’s convinced you it is your job and he’s doing you a favour by helping every now and again

100% spot on.

He sees it as your job. The reality is he needs you in order to see his DD as much as he does.

It always amazes me how work and shifts prevent a man seeing his children, yet women manage fine even when they do night shifts as nurses.

They make alternative childcare arrangements.. the arrangements men like this seem to make are finding a new partner.

How are you getting on OP? I hope BP is down a bit.

Thank you all for asking. I ended up in hospital again last week thanks to BP. Am now on ‘bed rest’ and blood thinning injections twice a day 😬

Have been back with OH for a week or so. We had DSD last weekend as it was her birthday the following Tuesday and I didn’t want to put my foot down and say she couldn’t come on that weekend. I stipulated to OH that he MUST do more with DD’s. It kinda worked last weekend. He did more than he usually would. It seems this weekend everything has just gone back to ‘normal’. I’m left with both DC’s. I asked if DSD could go back on Sunday instead of staying until bank holiday Monday to lighten the load on me but her mum isn’t a interested so for DSD’s sake and best interests, I’m just getting on with it although, yet again, I feel at a loss.

Have been given a date for induction which is at the beginning of the next school holidays. OH told his ex last night that she would have to have DSD whilst I’m in hospital and she kicked up a stink saying she was planning on having her for the last weekend of the holidays and thought we’d be having her the rest of the time. So goodness knows what’s going to happen there. My mum still won’t be recovered enough to help with them both so I’d organised for DD to go to a friend’s house whilst I’m induced. Of course, it’s all adding to my stress levels and then I’m feeling selfish for thinking of myself.

If her mother won't have her then her father will have no choice but to parent.
Do not just lay down and take this bullshit anymore. The moment he starts you need to leave. You are at risk and so is your baby!