Pregnant, Easter holidays, gestational hypertension and SPD misery.

[Namechangeextrodinaire93]

Hi all. Just for background, OH has a 9YO DD and together we have a 4 YO DD. Both at currently on Easter holiday. DSD broke up a week before DD so we had her last week from Sunday until Saturday.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and having quite a time of it. I’ve got gestational hypertension and was sent to hospital twice last week alone by the community midwife for a medication review and monitoring. I had to take DSD with me both times as OH was at work.

This week is looking to be pretty much the same. I’ve put my foot down for pretty much the first time ever and said to OH that I don’t feel well enough to look after both DC’s this week. It’s fallen on deaf ears and he’s agreed with DSD’s mum that we would have her from yesterday until next Monday - the day before she goes back to school. He never thought to ask me if this was ok, in fact he knew how much I was struggling.

This isn’t unusual for the holidays where DSD’s mum is concerned, she’s not usually bothered for having her for any length of time and as such I’ve never wanted DSD to feel as though she’s unwelcome here so have always just cracked on with it and tried to enjoy the holidays etc.

I’m struggling to walk very far thanks to my SPD and our two are a bit of a handful at the moment. My head is absolutely pounding today and my fingers/ankles have swelled up so I’m fully expecting to be sent to hospital today when I go and see the midwife.

My mum has also recently had a knee replacement so she can’t help with the kids either.

I got really upset about it all last night and OH just got mad and said he will never turn down an opportunity to have his DD which is fair enough but I feel as though these are exceptional circumstances. He can’t take any time off to help out or to even have them while I go to appointments. I’m really feeling quite disheartened, I was told to rest up as getting stressed will affect my BP in a negative way but I’ve just been left.

Why havenmore if he doesn't do anything with the existing ones?

DSD is likely playing up because there's another child on the way that will be in dads home all the time and maybe she's picked up on the vibes that's she's not really wanted at the moment at her dads house.

I have to admit I would have done just about whatever it took to wake my dh in your circs.

@IcecreamandCandyfloss you again 🙄

@timeisnotaline DSD and DD share a room and I didn’t want DD to wake up too.

Your DH sounds pretty shit to be honest OP, does he have any redeeming features? Is he always so seemingly uncaring towards you? Does he understand that you are pregnant and seriously ill?

I think I'd be inclined to tell him that right now it seems you'd be far better off being his ex as then he will seemingly provide unlimited support.

I would also tell your midwife what is happening as quite frankly I think you need to be in hospital. You need help, I know you say you can't afford it but something has to give.

Is there anywhere else you could stay? A friends?

I hope the antibiotics work quickly and you feel better soon.

Erm, you can still wake your dp once you’ve removed dsd from the room. It sounds like an ideal parenting moment, and he’s the parent.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very sorry for the little girl. But I would also drop her back at her mums. Your health is pretty important at this point in particular and your dp is a dropkick Dipshit.

Good luck💐

You sound enormously unwell. I can relate somewhat having had pgp and sciatica and been incredibly unwell in my last pregnancy with 2 children to look after. DH did everything when here and friends helped with the school run and occasionally someone helped in the day but mostly I was trying to entertain a very active toddler on my own. This is different though and you're getting even less support than I was. In your shoes I would be calling my midwife to say how unwell I was and how I wasn't getting any rest at home. She may want to review things.

You've got bigger issues here than just this pregnancy. Your DH has put an expectation on you and it sounds like he doesn't plan to support you at all. You are the support. You need to think about that.

There was a post on MN several months ago which was almost identical to this although the OP was unwell she wasn't quite as unwell as you. She got a total battering from every poster and was asked "what if the children were both her biological children". It just shows you how the luck of the draw depends on the type of response you'll get on MN. My personal feeling is that pregnant women who are this unwell should be supported whether the children are biologically hers or not. It sounds like you've more than made dsd part of your family and been the primary person looking after her. What you need is someone to help with the children and quite logically you're wanting to divide and conquer by suggesting it wouldn't be the maddest thing in the world for her mum to have her. The issue is making sure she feels loved and not pushed out.

Oh OP, I am sorry you’re feeling so rubbish. Your ‘D’H needs a massive wake up call, if you progress to pre eclampsia he needs to know how dangerous it can be.

When I was pregnant with DD, my BP was high all the time, averaging 150/105 most of the time and I was back and forth to the hospital every other day. I understand the worry every time you go to the midwife etc.

Your husband, in no uncertain terms, needs to be telling his ex that his DD needs to go home for a while, you need rest. It’s obviously not the case that she isn’t wanted, but in all honesty if you carry on the way you are, you could be admitted for the remainder of your pregnancy.

I hope things calm down for you and you are able to rest.

My mum actually spelled how serious Pre E is to him. She told him that she was born at 32 weeks weighing just over 3lb and as a result has a chronic lung condition, hip and knee joints that didn’t form properly (hence why she’s already had 2 hip replacements and 2 knee replacements at the age of 52 despite being just 8 stone piss wet through) she also told him that my gran contracted sceptecemia and almost died as a result so he should know now how serious this is!

He put them to bed last night as I could barely move. He didn’t bath or shower them though which they needed so I’ve had to do it this morning before the wear and tear of the day sets in.

He rung DSD’s mum to ask if she could come back today - she’s back at school on Tuesday anyway. She’s turned around and said that I’ll just have to get on with it - she can’t drop her daughter off on people just because she’s poorly. This is the woman who NEVER spends a weekend with her daughter, who only has her through the week for the hefty maintenance payments she gets and because she has school and clubs to break that time up. She has no other children. I know for a fact that if she was going through what I am, we would be having DSD until she was well enough to have her back so telling me to ‘get on with it’ is a bit fucking rich!!

So grow a spine!!
She is not your child. So no you will not be doing jack shit for her.

Your husband has now got to either take time off to care for her or find someone to take her!

She’s turned around and said that I’ll just have to get on with it - she can’t drop her daughter off on people just because she’s poorly.

Been following this thread and I am so angry and disappointed on your behalf although I do have to respond to this bit.

People only treat you how you allow them to. You are seriously unwell and at the moment you are putting your dp and his ex before your own child. That’s quite a precedent to set, it it’s like this now when the health of both you and your unborn child’s health is at risk do you honestly see it getting any better after the birth?

Regardless of if ex will have the children back or not they aren’t your responsibility to look after and the only way your lazy arse ‘d’p is going to change anything is when it affects him. Tell him it’s his problem to deal with, your on bedrest as advised by our wonderful nhs then take yourself back to bed then send the dsc back to him every time they ask for anything. If he won’t listen to that take yourself out the house and rest elsewhere, your mothers, a friends, a B and B.

If your own pregnancy was to become further compromised because of his and his exes selfishness would you ever move on from that? If your own life became compromised do you think your unborn child would thank him? He’s made his choice (unfortunately for you it’s kowtowing to the ex), it’s time to make yours - him & his ex or your own wanted unborn baby

I appreciate that right now you probably don't have the strength for dealing with this but this is a much wider issue than these few weeks.

It is pretty clear that both of your DSD's parents have abdicated responsibility for her and expect you to be her primary carer. That is just not on. Your DSD's mum sounds like a dick which obviously doesn't help.

To be honest, if you are going to accept the role of primary carer it seems to me that it would be preferable for your DSD to live with you full time and visit her mother as appropriate. As things stand it seems to be that you have all of the obligation and responsibility and none of the benefit. I'd suggest (based on your description of DSD's mum's attitude towards her this would also be beneficial for DSD).

I think you need to have a proper discussion with you DH about how you go forward. He has not covered himself in glory during a very difficult time for you and has prioritised his own wants (not to stand up to DSD's mum) over your physical and mental health and that of his unborn child.

I really hope things are calmer for you in the coming weeks OP and that your BP stabilises.

Op I think you should really take the advice of the last few posters. Dad's mum sounds AWFUL & you need to stand up to her & put yourself first. Either your dp drops his dd back to her mum or he keeps her & does all ere childcare until Monday.
You have much bigger issues here & soon you'll be a dm of 2 & a carer to 3 - if you don't put boundaries in place now you'll be a doormat for this awful woman & your quite frankly weak dp forever. Don't do this to yourself.

In your shoes OP I’d be taking my DD to my Mums and staying there. Let H sort his own child out. Might sound harsh but the health of you and your baby has to be priority right now.

Good on your Mum for telling your OH how it is. He needs a reality check and to look at his own behaviour. Him and his ex are taking the piss big time. His expectations need to be managed for the next few weeks and after the baby arrives. He needs to step up and stand up to his ex. In the mean time you need to do the bare minimum. If you feel unwell then go back to hospital, if they don’t admit then tell him you need bed rest. Doesn’t matter whether say it or not -tell them they did

I'd be looking for a B&B to check into if I was you.

Sadly your DP has left the care of his DD to you.

I've had sounded a whistle for him to wake up. Or put a damp cloth on his head.

I see far too often fathers using their wives and partners to do the majority of childcare of their DC.

I really hope your condition doesn't deteriorate, but in the interest of your unborn baby, I'd be saying you feel worse. You need to be admitted and monitored.

Well i ended up going to hospital anyway as my dad had taken an overdose this afternoon

BP sky high again but has since come down. Was also worried about movements but apparently she’s all tucked in behind the placenta with her back to my belly. OH is at home with the kids.

So sorry you are going through this 💐

Got back home in the early hours. Absolutely whacked and haven’t slept a wink.

Dad is ‘ok’.

Have had an almighty row with DSD this morning. ‘Why haven’t you washed any of my bloody socks?’ ‘I have no clothes to wear, all of my clothes are horrible, you don’t buy me anything nice.’ I’ve snapped and told her she needs to appreciate and look after things more.

I’m at my wits end, such a low mood right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been this down in the dumps. OH is telling me how unreasonable I’ve been with DSD yet has said nothing about the way she’s spoken to me and after the night I’ve had, I thought he’d cut me a bit of slack. I’m only fucking human for Christ’s sake.

Why hasn't he washed her socks?

Exactly, why hasn’t he done it? It was aimed at me though.

Have you asked him why he hasn't done it and why he he didn't speak to her when she was rude to you? What did he say?

You might find support on the relationship board, I don't think your DSD daughter is the problem here, it's your DH.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. Can you go to your mum today?

@Sunshinegirl82 I’m going to have to get out of here. Just been reading up about my highest BP results and I was at risk of stroke amongst other things and he did absolutely nothing to alleviate any pressure.

He keeps spouting out that he won’t turn away an opportunity to have his DD so I’ve presented him with the scenario that I get so poorly/ill/pissed off that I either can’t look after DSD/won’t look after DSD or permanently move out. Then he will have to turn down opportunities to have his DD because there’ll be no one to care for her. Apparently I’m being emotionally abusive and blackmailing him. Doesn’t like it when the tables are turned.

I’m going to spend the day a my mums and am then sleeping at a friend’s house.

Please tell her that df will be doing all her washing from now on so she can complain to her parent if she is feeling neglected. ..

What an unbelievable shithead this penis-carrier (not man) is for STILL trying to blame you and undermine your mental health as well as your physical.
So pleased to read that you have arranged to be elsewhere for a spell. Hopefully longer term arrangements can be made?