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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I dont like the child/ family

124 replies

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:08

Been together on and off sometime, recently married in the vain all would come good.

I don't enjoy time with my partners son, I have rejected the title of step-mum because I don't hold a mothering role. Surely a marriage doesn't equate to automatic mother?! He has a mother he lives with.

I am struggling so much and have been bold enough to say he isn't my child and that the bond isn't there and never will be now that he is 10. I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime. I have no interest in games or kids TV or making cookies, I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that seeks constant approval from any audience.

I am expected to be part of this family with children and take the role of 'step mum', or 'auntie' when I have no connection to his family and nor do I want to, I don't feel I need it and don't enjoy the time spent in their company.

Is it so unreasonable to ask that they have their own relationship without me being the token prize wife to play happy families?
Or that he see his family on his own terms with his child and leave me to my own devices?

Surely I am not the only person in the world that doesn't want to be absorbed by someone else's routine and family.

I feel broken inside and sad because I want my own identity and my own choices not those determine by a someone else's family/kid.

OP posts:

woolduvet · 20/02/2019 13:01

Can you explain to your dh that it's all too much.
Explain your limits, enjoy watching a film together but your entitled to knit.
The boys go out each morning, with no obligation for you to join etc.
Lay it out for him, your last posts sound more measured.

TheVanguardSix · 20/02/2019 13:04

This is so sad.
OP, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. Of course you are. But as a mum who brought a child into a marriage, I’d tell you to plan on leaving. It’ll only get harder for you and you won’t survive the teen years. This won’t get better.

DH and stepson (my DS1) have had such ups and downs, mostly due to DH being the immature one. DS accepted DH swiftly, calling him dad from our wedding day onward. It’s not all flowers and rainbows. It’s a work in progress, 10 years on. But we started on a great footing and that’s been our bedrock through shakier times. We were in this together. And believe me, DH and DS have challenged each other. But what DH doesn’t have- and this is why it works with my son/his stepson- is resentment (sure, from time to time, but infrequently).

You resent. You don’t belong in this scenario. Your resentment will rot you inside out. It’ll grow teeth, legs, and hair, plus tentacles reaching out to extended family members. Don’t all of you deserve happiness? Leave so that you all have the possibility of seeking out a life more fulfilling. You’re starting out in a way which points towards an increasingly unhappy path. Your resentment will mushroom.

Marriage is not an individual endeavour. You are still an individual, true, but you are part of a family and that comes with graft, compromise, challenges, and a great need for empathy.

You’re the adult here and you need to make an important and mature decision. Me? I’d leave.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:04

PlinkPlink I try and say that and still get told I am boring or weird or an introvert for not joining in. I never ever would get in the way of their activities.

I said that I was struggling because my life has changed to become his but his life hasn't changed and he didn't understand at all or even try to consider it. We had been separated a long time because I find him bossy.

I said I didn't like the idea of suddenly being a step mom by title and that I was happy just being NAME and he called me spiteful. He said I was spiteful that he needed explain that marriage didn't make my mum his nan (they have met 4 times) he said both me and my mum are weird and that I would have to tell his son because he wasn't going to do it.

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 20/02/2019 13:07

I have to say, your DH’s expectations seem unfair.

I would not want to holiday with his siblings, go camping or spend thousands going to Disney!

partner then tells me his son needs to stay over the night because his mum is working a night shift but forgets his own lie and is texting her.

This doesn’t paint him in a good light either-why is he lying?

He sounds like he wants to mould you into something he wants you to be.

RaffertyFair · 20/02/2019 13:07

Engine12345

Why did you go back after the long separation??

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:08

He never wanted a baby or marriage with me and it ended. hence being on and off but still expected me to be the best step mum to his child.

I left because of that and other things.
I went back because I finally agreed to marriage and a family of our own but I have to do everything how he likes it and it causes arguments. I don't want a baby in this dynamic and said I wanted to leave but he isn't an easy person to leave.

OP posts:

RaffertyFair · 20/02/2019 13:11

Start a new thread on the relationships board. The step parenting aspect is a red herring.

You recognise that he is not good for you. Focus on what is good for you and seek support in how to achieve it.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:11

I feel so sad today.

OP posts:

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 20/02/2019 13:13

When you say he isn't an easy person to leave, what do you mean? Do you mean that he is so lovely that you would be heartbroken, or do you mean that he would make it difficult for you to make that decision/wouldn't allow you to leave?

RaffertyFair · 20/02/2019 13:13

Can you spend time today with someone who supports you? Your DM?

TheVanguardSix · 20/02/2019 13:15

Nobody is easy to leave. But it’s harder to stay, OP. Why test your endurance with this poor excuse of a marriage?

You’ve got one life (unless you believe otherwise). But this is it. Make the most of your time here and don’t waste it. I’d leave. The hardship of leaving is short-term and the pain is acute. But way better than years of a slow burn, crucifying ache. That pain that comes with failure and wasted time is a beast. Don’t live that pain out.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:22

he doesn't let go, that's how we ended up back together and married. All promises to be better and that we could have a family which I was never allowed before,

But it isn't right. I don't have a life of my own.

My mum understands how he is, how he wants things his own way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:24

@Holidayshopping thank you!!!!

OP posts:

EhlanaOfElenia · 20/02/2019 13:26

Oh OP, you sound so sad and unsupported! Of course you are allowed your own life. But this isn't about your stepson, this is about your 'D'H. He has decided what role you are going to play and he is forcing you to play it. Whenever you try to veer away from it he mocks you and puts you down. Quite frankly he sounds like a controlling arse. Please leave, you deserve so much better.

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2019 13:34

This relationship doesn’t work for you at all OP he us controlling

iklboo · 20/02/2019 13:37

Why did his first marriage break down? I wonder if he was as controlling with her as he seems to be with you. It looks like he has some weird Disney / Ladybird book idea of what a family should do and look like. Be kind to yourself OP.

WhatthehellisplanB · 20/02/2019 13:38

Oh OP, I'm a stepmum so can relate to everything you're saying.

I think you're unhappy with your husband, he's set far too high expectations for you, controls you and wants you to be someone you're not.

Stop trying to live his life-you deserve better than this. Can you go to your mum's and initiate divorce proceedings?

Motherofcreek · 20/02/2019 13:42

Leave because you will always be miserable and you will make every one around you miserable.

There is nothing wrong with not like kids but it's pretty selfish/stupid to marry someone with a kid

Motherofcreek · 20/02/2019 13:45

he doesn't let go, that's how we ended up back together and married

Take responsibility for yourself.

No one forced you down that isle

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:47

I can go to my mums. My mum says that he is a controlling person. I am not meek by any means but it wears me down and I lose any ability to cope so just end up wanting to refuse to do anything with anyone.

He keeps saying he is normal and that I am not normal. So I came on here and lots of people find step children hard and its even harder when you are expected to be so involved. I do wonder if its me and that I should just do all these things asked of me and see his family every week as well as his child every other. I get told though not really invited. It isn't a take it or leave it invite.

He was very controlling before, what I can wear, bikinis, friends etc. I don't go out now so that part has sort of stopped.

OP posts:

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 13:50

@Motherofcreek don't comment on something you haven't experienced.

I had left. changed number and cut contact. Contacted me at work email. post email. youtube, instagram, mums phone, turned up at mums house over and over and over.

Yes, I fell for the promises thinking it would be better but you don't have any idea how insistent some people are.

OP posts:

Ferro5by5 · 20/02/2019 13:53

OP the more you post the more I am concerned. This sounds like a dangerously controlling relationship. I would make a safe plan to leave and stick to it. Please take care of yourself, this does not sound like a situation you should be in at all. There may be better practical support on other parts of this forum. I think this goes beyond a simple issue of struggling to be a stepmum. Please take care.

Karigan195 · 20/02/2019 13:53

Wow don’t you sound pleasant. I’d divorce you without thinking twice if you said all that about my kid....

Karigan195 · 20/02/2019 13:54

And that’s in relation to the first post not all the drip feeding controlling relationship posts subsequently

woolduvet · 20/02/2019 13:54

It's not sounding great. I bet there's loads of step mums out there who do life the way you'd like.
But it sounds like your dh is the problem, how you've described it is really quite worrying.
Try a new thread on relationships, a talk about how your dh is, as your ss is a red herring I think.

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