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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I dont like the child/ family

124 replies

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:08

Been together on and off sometime, recently married in the vain all would come good.

I don't enjoy time with my partners son, I have rejected the title of step-mum because I don't hold a mothering role. Surely a marriage doesn't equate to automatic mother?! He has a mother he lives with.

I am struggling so much and have been bold enough to say he isn't my child and that the bond isn't there and never will be now that he is 10. I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime. I have no interest in games or kids TV or making cookies, I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that seeks constant approval from any audience.

I am expected to be part of this family with children and take the role of 'step mum', or 'auntie' when I have no connection to his family and nor do I want to, I don't feel I need it and don't enjoy the time spent in their company.

Is it so unreasonable to ask that they have their own relationship without me being the token prize wife to play happy families?
Or that he see his family on his own terms with his child and leave me to my own devices?

Surely I am not the only person in the world that doesn't want to be absorbed by someone else's routine and family.

I feel broken inside and sad because I want my own identity and my own choices not those determine by a someone else's family/kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 12:05

SoyDora Yes everything is a tool

either shown he is better than the mum:
(e.g. shouted at his mum for not buying him air max at Xmas to the extent she insisted we come an pick him up early for being 'ungrateful' (her words!); his dad goes out the next week and buys the trainers and lies to be about who paid for them).

or:
the present I bought his dad from the two of us (over £100),
instead partner buys himself football tickets for his son to give to him so that his son can pretend he is taking his dad a match. its all false orchestrated and makes me feel like shit.
partner then tells me his son needs to stay over the night because his mum is working a night shift but forgets his own lie and is texting her.

My whole life is dictated by other people.

the issue isn't being nice, I am bloody lovely to him !!!!

OP posts:
TheMightyToosh · 20/02/2019 12:07

OP I sympathise with trying to bond with a step child, it isn't always easy. But you have to accept that he will be a part of your life if you stay married to this man. You don't have to do cookies and play mummy, but you do have to be a respectful and caring adult in his life and be welcoming to him in your and your husband's home.

I also pick up on you repeatedly saying you don't want to spend time with his family. I presume you mean your husband's family? You are part of that family now, of course you should expect to spend time with them! How can you expect to marry and not be a part of/spend time with your husband's family?

Honeyroar · 20/02/2019 12:08

What kind of support or guidance do you expect though? This really should have been thought through more before you got married. He's still a little boy. He will be around for years. There will be joint holidays and things will revolve around him, or should, for another 8 - 10 years.

I've been a step mum for 15 years. I used to get on really well with him when he was a child, I don't feel I do so much now, but I feel it's ok to step away a bit now he's older, he's not around so much and he does his own thing with his friends (we still support him financially and he's still always welcome). But you can't step away from family life when he's still little, it's not fair and will put a big stress on him and his dad's relationship (because he won't feel welcome deep down) and also your marriage (because you're not a team/helping each other).

RogersVideo · 20/02/2019 12:08

Well I don't think you sound like a terrible person, just someone who isn't suited to your husbands situation. Which begs the question everyone's been asking, why the hell did you marry him instead of breaking up with him? Expecting everything to "come good" once you're married is pretty naive.

Maybe it's time to admit you made a mistake.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/02/2019 12:10

It sounds like you don't want children and don't want to have a family life that involves children. Which makes it really puzzling that you are in a relationship and married to a man with a child. It's a fundamental incompatibility. Your husband can't ignore his child or prioritise you above the child. There is no reasonable way for this situation to be resolved. Wouldn't you feel better if you split up?

reallyanotherone · 20/02/2019 12:10

I’m going to disagree with pp.

If the child has two loving, involved parents, if you don’t want to step mother, i don’t see why you have to.

As long as you facilitate the relationship between your husband and his son, and treat the child well, there is no need for a “parental” type relationship.

Let your husband take him to disney. You can stay at home, or go and plan other activities while they “do” disney.

If your husband is a good dad then allowing them plenty of 1:1 time is never a bad thing. If you have no children it is reasonable to be just “dad’s wife”.

O/p step parents can never get it right here. You have to treat a step child like your own but also not treat them like your own because they aren’t, and you can’t replace their own mum Hmm

BartonHollow · 20/02/2019 12:10

You seem to be so without any maternal instinct child free living would have best suited you so the decision to marry a man with a child and yet coldly refuse to have ANYTHING to do with said child is VERY odd indeed really Confused

diplodocusinermine · 20/02/2019 12:11

I understand why you don't want to be involved with his child. What I don't understand is why you would marry him, or even be with someone who has a child and is a part of their child's life.

You won't change the fact that your DH has a son and is an involved father, and if you tried to, hopefully your DH would leave you immediately.

If you don't like the situation, you need to leave now.

LemonBreeland · 20/02/2019 12:11

The best advice to you has already been given. Leave your marriage, and absolutely do not consider a relationship with a man with children.

It really beggars belief that you thought marrying this man would be the solution to the problem of you not liking his child nad not liking the way her parents.

Sanguineclamp · 20/02/2019 12:12

I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that constantly seeks approval from any audience

Have you thought about why he is constantly seeking approval? He is dealing with the break up of his parents marriage; his dad leaving the family home. And he probably senses your resentment of him.

Why are you expecting to feel rewarded for interacting with him? Other people's children aren't necessarily always rewarding to be around (although they could be given time, commitment and genuinely good intentions). But this isn't about you. This is about a ten year old child. If this isn't a wind up, then please grow up.

And why anyone would marry someone else " in the vain hope that all would come good" beggars belief! Especially when the bone of contention is a child! What were you hoping would happen? That a 10 year old would disappear in to a puff of smoke? Or that your DH would lose interest in his son in favour of you? Would you seriously want to be with a man who would do that?

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 20/02/2019 12:12

Your title clearly says I don't like the child/family.
I'm guessing they didn't just appear once you got married so why on earth did you get married?
The only saving grace out of this sorry mess is that his dad seems to prioritise him over you thankfully

PMmehunx · 20/02/2019 12:13

I suppose it's OK if you don't fully love him, but do you even like him?
One of your posts you say it's about your partners whole family too, that there's always something to go to. Just take a break sometimes, you don't need to go to every single event his family is doing, and he should understand that.
Every other weekend with your step child isn't too bad though, it's 2 days out of 14, it's nothing. It sounds like you do still make an effort to do things with him and for him. Fwiw though, I agree with you his dad should be doing stuff alone with him sometimes. It'll be good for them. And what you say about still wanting your identity, not just step mum, I think is pretty normal even for mums. Lots of mums feel this way, so makes sense that a step mother would even more.

HJWT · 20/02/2019 12:15

@Engine12345 at first I wasn't going to tell you to get a grip but reading your further posts it looks like your DH is trying to push you into every little thing with DSS, Are you happy to join in 1 day he is with you every other week but DH wanted you do EVERYTHING he does with DSS?

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2019 12:18

Unfortunately not all children are likeable, I’ve met plenty I wouldn’t want to spend any significant time with.
As your husband has a child he is part of the package though and as a step parent your control is limited.

It might be best for all to walk away.

AlaskanOilBaron · 20/02/2019 12:18

You sound pretty defective, to be honest, but it was your husband's job to make sure he married a woman who could welcome his son into her life.

Just leave them both already.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 12:18

YANBU for not wanting to act as a mother or spend time and take an interest in kids but YABVU to get married to a man who has a kid you dislike and don't want in your life.

SilverDoe · 20/02/2019 12:19

OP you don’t have to love him, he has 2 parents who do that. You need to not outwardly resent him and you need to have his best interests in mind, that’s all.

I was devastated when after a long complicated journey with his mother, I finally met my partners son and didn’t love him. And the you realise what a ridiculous expectation that is. Just be kind (as it sounds like you’re doing) and focus on relationship with DH.

If you’re unhappy with him though, that’s another issue entirely.

MumUnderTheMoon · 20/02/2019 12:21

You keep calling him "someone's else's family" but you married his dad so he is now your family too. If biology was all that mattered people wouldn't adopt or foster. If you had a child and your husband was saying he didn't love them or want to spend time with them how would that make your feel. You shouldn't have married this man, given that you know yourself well enough to know you don't want to be a step mum. And he was selfish to marry you given the fact that you were honest about how you feel. How you feel doesn't make you a monster but choosing to impose yourself on their child life is selfish and frankly disgusting.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/02/2019 12:22

Basically you shouldn't have got with a man who has a child.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/02/2019 12:22

Surely you discussed stuff like this before you got married? I can't imagine that right up until you got married it was different

sagradafamiliar · 20/02/2019 12:23

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MISSC86 · 20/02/2019 12:23

I agree with previous posters. You shouldn't have married him in the hope that 'all would come good'. Whether you like it or not he has a son, if you are not willing to accept that and become part of the family to a certain extent. I am a step mum to two girls and I treat them as my own, I look after them for their respective Mothers and love the time I get with them. While I understand my situation is certainly not the norm, I'm not sure what you expected when you married a man with a child?

eddielizzard · 20/02/2019 12:26

This is broken. I would stop getting involved and start doing my own thing on weekends. Tbh I'm nonplussed as to why you thought marriage would solve this.

lunar1 · 20/02/2019 12:26

You don't need to be motherly, but you have put yourself in his life, he has no choice in this. You have to be decent and not resent the fact that he exists. Your husband has to put his son first.

What would happen if circumstances changed and he had to live with his dad? You should walk away, because there is no happiness for any of you in this situation.

Original poster
Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 12:27

I feel like I have to be part of everything, every family take away, be there every weekend, I have had to be determined to have Saturdays with my mum because the expectation is to be there with his child and go on holiday with his siblings.

I couldn't even delete myself out of a family whatsapp group.
I was told to have his sister and sister in law as my bridesmaids.
I cant opt out of camping without them all telling me I am weird for not liking camping.

The thread was family and child being overbearing and that I don't know who or what my life is.

OP posts:
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