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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I dont like the child/ family

124 replies

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:08

Been together on and off sometime, recently married in the vain all would come good.

I don't enjoy time with my partners son, I have rejected the title of step-mum because I don't hold a mothering role. Surely a marriage doesn't equate to automatic mother?! He has a mother he lives with.

I am struggling so much and have been bold enough to say he isn't my child and that the bond isn't there and never will be now that he is 10. I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime. I have no interest in games or kids TV or making cookies, I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that seeks constant approval from any audience.

I am expected to be part of this family with children and take the role of 'step mum', or 'auntie' when I have no connection to his family and nor do I want to, I don't feel I need it and don't enjoy the time spent in their company.

Is it so unreasonable to ask that they have their own relationship without me being the token prize wife to play happy families?
Or that he see his family on his own terms with his child and leave me to my own devices?

Surely I am not the only person in the world that doesn't want to be absorbed by someone else's routine and family.

I feel broken inside and sad because I want my own identity and my own choices not those determine by a someone else's family/kid.

OP posts:

diplodocusinermine · 20/02/2019 13:56

Engine, leave now while you have no ties to this chump. You can just walk away. If he starts bombarding you with calls/emails etc, report for harassment.

Go, before you get pregnant and are tied to him for the rest of your life. Being on your own, with your own company will be far better than the way you are living now.

PrettyLovely · 20/02/2019 13:58

You definately need to leave him op. Change your number and dont go to your Mums try and book somewhere to stay.
Maybe even a break away for yourself. He will hopefully give up eventually. If he doesnt get a restraining order.

Motherofcreek · 20/02/2019 13:59

Engine I have experience a controlling relationship. Physically and emotionally abusive.

But you still didn't have to marry him.

You can block him and contact the police for harassment there are many help lines and support groups you can contact.

When you start taking responsibility for your own part in this maybe you can start to get out of this horrible situation.

PrettyLovely · 20/02/2019 14:02

Why do people keep going on about how she shouldnt have married him. Like no one has ever made a mistake in their life she hasnt murdered anyone fgs.
Whats done is done. Its time to look forward now not back.

extraspoons · 20/02/2019 14:21

Ok, so this isn't about the son or family - it's about an abusive husband.
You can seek help from Women's Aid and make a plan.

My ex called me spiteful everytime I tried to exercise any agency or control over my own life too.

BartonHollow · 20/02/2019 14:22

I feel that someone on this thread ought to link to the Freedom Programme so here it is :

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are in a coercive relationship OP

TacoLover · 20/02/2019 14:31

You still haven't explained why you married him and became part of the family when you don't even want to spend any time with or love his own son.

PrettyLovely · 20/02/2019 14:37

@TacoLover she has spent time with him she has disclosed this further up the thread she has tried her very best. She doesnt have to love him she just has to be pleasant which she is.
She doesnt want to go camping or do everything they do there is nothing wrong with that at all.
You dont HAVE to do everything a parent would do because as step parents are often told on here you arent a parent.

Op is in a controlling relationship she needs to get out.

lisamac28 · 20/02/2019 15:30

I don't love my step-kids as much as I love my own - but we're great friends and get along great.

I also don't do half the things that you do with your SS. I spend lots of time with them but sometimes I give DH time and space with just him and his kids.

You are not the problem here - your DH is, he sounds horrible.

user1457017537 · 20/02/2019 15:37

Why did you get married. What was in it for you?

SoyDora · 20/02/2019 15:47

He sounds truly unpleasant.

HeckyPeck · 20/02/2019 16:00

OP the more you post the more I am concerned. This sounds like a dangerously controlling relationship. I would make a safe plan to leave and stick to it. Please take care of yourself, this does not sound like a situation you should be in at all. There may be better practical support on other parts of this forum. I think this goes beyond a simple issue of struggling to be a stepmum. Please take care.

I agree. Ignore all the hateful posts OP. Some people just love to bash step mums on here thanks to their own bitterness.

If you change name and repost in relationships without mentioning you’re a step mum you might get kinder and more helpful replies. There are also other forums that are more supportive and understanding of stepmums. I can send you a pm if you’d like.

PlinkPlink · 20/02/2019 16:44

Oh this sounds awful OP.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your own life.

I read something recently that said, a healthy relationship allows both of you to grow outside of it. In other words, both of you should have friends, hobbies and experiences apart from each other that allow you both to grow as individuals.

It sound as if you are not getting any of this. It must be a huge source of unhappiness. I think you need to think about your happiness here... staying in a relationship where you are unhappy will not be pleasant for his son either.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 16:57

I can hear the anguish in your voice. I guess you thought over time it would all get easier and it hasn’t. Your post is very honest.

You have a few solutions;

Leave and find someone with no children

Be more assertive with dh that every other weekend you will have dinner with them, but that is it, dh should organise his time with dss and you are free to do as you please

Consider just doing the things you enjoy with dss

Do not have dc of your own, if you hate this kind of kiddy stuff then 18 years of it will not bring you happines.

All the best op

TacoLover · 20/02/2019 17:12

@TacoLover she has spent time with him she has disclosed this further up the thread she has tried her very best. She doesnt have to love him she just has to be pleasant which she is.She doesnt want to go camping or do everything they do there is nothing wrong with that at all.You dont HAVE to do everything a parent would do because as step parents are often told on here you arent a parent.

Still doesn't explain why she married him. I find it very odd that she doesn't love a child that has been her step son for an extended period of time. I can understand not loving them as much as your own bio children, but not loving them at all? And then choosing to marry their father and become part of their family when she feels 'neutral' towards the child and doesn't love them? Seems like a very strange decision to me.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2019 17:46

Pure madness to get married given how you feel.

Your feelings are not the issue..being getting married to a man with a child was exceedingly foolish to say the least.

This child clearly wants to be close to you...wanting to call your mum Nan even.

I agree that you can't love a stepchild as your own...but if you're just neutral...you should have found a man without kids.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2019 17:58

The choice of bridesmaids should have been yours. At the point you were told you had to have his sister and sister in law, you should have put your foot down.

The issue is more than the child, you have a controlling husband

goldengummybear · 20/02/2019 18:01

I was going to reply earlier but I'm glad I didn't as your updates paint a very different picture.

Perfectly acceptable not to love dss and find looking after a child exhausting. Worrying that you don't seem to like him though.

It's perfectly normal that your vision of being a stepmother is very different to your h. Perfectly acceptable that you think that you'd like a relationship where your h is the primary parent and you dip in and out. He should take dss camping on his own - dss comes to see him not you really. Your h shouldn't have married a woman who didn't want to be the type of stepmum that he wanted.

Seeing your ILs weekly must be exhausting and I'm surprised that people have generally not been sympathetic about this point. You should be able to choose which invites to accept and how often you see them.

It sounds like he nagged you into marriage. If you leave him, it would be perfectly fine to use the police if he won't leave you alone.

PlinkPlink · 20/02/2019 18:03

@SpringWalk

I wouldn't necessarily think that she shouldn't have her own kids.

I think it's different when you have your own, when you have that bond with your child.

I think that's what OP is saying. She doesn't have a bond with her husband's child so she doesn't quite get the same enjoyment.

PrettyLovely · 20/02/2019 18:12

" Still doesn't explain why she married him."

Not that its really relevent as there are other more important issues been disclosed since but people make mistakes sorry that op cant be as perfect as you.

Weezol · 20/02/2019 18:16

I feel as if you were basically railroaded in to this marriage. Having been in a controlling relationship in the past I can absolutely see how you've ended up in this position.

Previous PP have given good advice. Please speak to Women's Aid and get away as quickly and safely as you can.

If he chases you, you now have the law on your side to stop him.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

MargueritaPink · 20/02/2019 18:21

I also pick up on you repeatedly saying you don't want to spend time with his family. I presume you mean your husband's family? You are part of that family now, of course you should expect to spend time with them! How can you expect to marry and not be a part of/spend time with your husband's family?

Why? I married my husband not his family. I rarely see any of them. I doubt I've been to even 5 of his family gatherings in over 30 years. They aren't my family.

Anuta77 · 20/02/2019 18:23

I think when you first posted, you didn't identify correctly your actual problem which is way more than not liking his child. When your relationship is deeply unsatisfying, it's even harder to like a child who's not yours. But it's not the child or even the overbearing family that is your problem, it's your relationship. Your husband is controlling and verbally abusive.

Try to read more about verbally abusive relationships and look for help. I agree with HeckyPeck, try to post in a relationship board and describe your relationship better. Not just from the SM's point of view.
While you're trying to figure out your life, if he insults you, don't take it personally, it's not about you, it's about him. He's just manipulating to make you do what he wants. You're boring? Yes, darling, I'm boring, I'm sorry you don't like me. It's just temporary.

I hope you can find your way out of this and find happiness.

Baby2019x · 21/02/2019 20:09

I'd ignore everyone's posts.
Do what makes you happy.
You aren't his mum, he's got his own mum so why do you need to be a step parent?
Focus on you and your relationship.
As long as the child doesn't feel uncomfortable then I don't get what the harm is?
You married him for him, not his kids

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