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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I dont like the child/ family

124 replies

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:08

Been together on and off sometime, recently married in the vain all would come good.

I don't enjoy time with my partners son, I have rejected the title of step-mum because I don't hold a mothering role. Surely a marriage doesn't equate to automatic mother?! He has a mother he lives with.

I am struggling so much and have been bold enough to say he isn't my child and that the bond isn't there and never will be now that he is 10. I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime. I have no interest in games or kids TV or making cookies, I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that seeks constant approval from any audience.

I am expected to be part of this family with children and take the role of 'step mum', or 'auntie' when I have no connection to his family and nor do I want to, I don't feel I need it and don't enjoy the time spent in their company.

Is it so unreasonable to ask that they have their own relationship without me being the token prize wife to play happy families?
Or that he see his family on his own terms with his child and leave me to my own devices?

Surely I am not the only person in the world that doesn't want to be absorbed by someone else's routine and family.

I feel broken inside and sad because I want my own identity and my own choices not those determine by a someone else's family/kid.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/02/2019 12:28

Why have you gone along with all this and continued the relationship? You don't want a family, and yet you have married into one?

extraspoons · 20/02/2019 12:28

I am sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else. You married the wrong person. It is perfectly fine to want a guy without strings attached, but that is not what you married. You married into a family with a child.
And that means living life as a family with a child. My SIL never wanted kids but when she met the man who became her DP she totally realised he came as a package with a kid.

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2019 12:29

The family sound very overbearing!

Of course you can delete yourself from the WhatsApp group. Or at least mute it, I muted my husbands family one.

extraspoons · 20/02/2019 12:30

If you find all this suffocating, then leave. They are obviously a close family. TBH I wouldn't like it either.

sagradafamiliar · 20/02/2019 12:32

You've made the choice to form a family. You're a family unit by marriage. Or were you forced into this? Show your husband this thread and let him give you a helping hand to leave because I wouldn't want you near my kid.

MaiaRindell · 20/02/2019 12:33

My dad's previous wife was like this. He married her when I was 7. I really, really liked her. She was fun, funny and we got on well. But, she never attempted a mothering role with me. She took a background role.
But she did take time to be nice and have a laugh with me. It didn't bother me remotely. In fact, I really really liked her. They got divorced when I was about 14 and she and I stay in touch.
My Mum's husband at that time did try to be a parent to me. He got involved with homework, went to parents' night etc and I HATED it and him. I completely resented the involvement from a non-parent. They also got divorced around the same time and I would avoid him if I saw him.
I think, as long as your DSChild has a loving mother, you don't need to play an active role. But, at the very least, your DSS should feel you like him which you clearly don't. What a shame for him and his dad.

BartonHollow · 20/02/2019 12:36

This isn't about the child really is it ?

You are in a marriage with a man with a suffocatingly involved family and you didn't sign up for it. The child is just a symptom of wider issues

It won't change. They won't change.

If they won't let you set boundaries and you can't adapt to their dynamic

You need to leave

Ferro5by5 · 20/02/2019 12:37

OP you sound in a very difficult, unhappy situation. I think a little space here and there is healthy, but it sounds like you don’t want to be part of the family dynamic that exists at all. I don’t really see how that can be possible and it could become a very toxic situation for all involved. Your husband is a father primarily and I don’t think it is possible or healthy for you to divide up his life into parts for you and parts for his child. You’ve highlighted some things he does that you’re not happy with too and a not entirely stable path prior to marriage.

If you’re not invested in his son and you two have no children of your own, then it really might be best that you walk away. You cannot ignore or cut out such a significant part of your relationship.

PMmehunx · 20/02/2019 12:38

Do all his siblings partners have to go to everything too?
What happens if you say you don't want to go to places with them?
Did you chose any of your own bridesmaids?
Just delete yourself from the whatsapp, and tell them you don't use it much. Or just mute the group.

For the child though, you should still make the effort. Like you already do. It's just part of being a step parent. You should push more for him to do stuff with his son alone though, for your sake and the sons sake. It's good for his son to have some time alone with his father that he only sees weekends. Just remind yourself that you chose to be in their lives and that step son had no say in it at all. You don't have to love him like your own, but doing the things you already do with him is good and you should continue to make that effort.

I think your partner needs to change too though. He is the one setting it all up, he is the one "making" you see his siblings so often and go on holiday with them etc. He needs to understand you don't like it, and you should both be able to compromise where you go sometimes for him and he doesn't expect you there every time for you.

maxbabi · 20/02/2019 12:39

I actually feel sorry for you. I am going to admit I would hate to be in this situation you are in. I am not a step parent but was a step daughter (step mum has passed away recently ).
Talk to your husband about your feelings the truth may hurt but at least when you build back you are on the same page. That's if you both can or want to.
Families are tough enough when tied by blood but strangers what a minefield (and to be clear I mean strangers as non blood)

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 20/02/2019 12:40

Wow.....the OP is being really open and honest, and is getting flamed. For what its worth, not every step parent is a Disney parent, and neither are all step kids. I hear you OP....and having had 2 relationships where there were step kids, neither ended well. The latter was exactly as you're describing here. He was trying to be the Disney parent and I was encouraged to take an active role, that I really didn't want. We ended up splitting up....sorry OP..I know thats not what you want to hear

funinthesun19 · 20/02/2019 12:44

As many people have said, you need to do the best thing and leave your husband. Forgetting everyone else for a minute, do it for yourself. Do you really want to be living like this for many more years to come?
You can’t just pretend it’s something it’s not. His child is part of your life and until you leave his dad he always will be. You have choices here!

woolduvet · 20/02/2019 12:44

Did you two not date?
You're perfectly entitled to not want to be part of his parenting but it can't have come as a shock?
You must have gone along with it and are now putting your foot down??

PrettyLovely · 20/02/2019 12:45

I am going to go against the grain here. You dont sound horrible at all. You dont have to love him like he is your own.
You sound like you have really tried to get a bond with him, Its ok if it isnt there.
You dont have to do camping trips if you dont want to. Why should you? Lots of people dont like camping. I would probably take my kids but I could understand people who wouldnt want to and him and his family should understand that too. They sound really small minded.
You sound suffocated in your relationship and like your partner isnt allowing you to have a say. You really need to speak up more.
As far as the loving the stepchild you dont have to love him being kind to him is sufficient. He has his own parents to love him, dont be so hard on yourself.

Dont be someone everyone else wants you to be, be who you want to be.
This is your life.

tisonlymeagain · 20/02/2019 12:45

Read about disengagement. It's a tactic a lot of people use in this situation.

I don't think you deserve the flaming. 'Step-mums' can't win on here. Not even sure why most respond on this board as everything is always wrong!

llangennith · 20/02/2019 12:48

You have been asked on here many times why on Earth you married him knowing how you felt about the son but you won't answer.
You can't change the relationship between your DH and his son and you can't change how you feel about the situation. The only change you can affect is to leave the relationship.
You're not happy so do something that will make you happy.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 12:48

Can you explain how you thought getting married would change things?

lunar1 · 20/02/2019 12:49

They sound controlling and suffocating, seriously, don't lose yourself in this family.

iklboo · 20/02/2019 12:50

I'm sorry OP. Your updates make everything a lot clearer. It sounds like you're being expected to 'jolly along' with everything and it's making you unhappy. But it's not likely to change unfortunately.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 12:52

I suggested leaving because I encourage them to have their boy time and then I do what I am comfortable with around that (like drawing or he helps clean LOL (not a punishment he likes to be helpful) or maybe us having dinner together he loves my omelettes.

I don't feel I permitted to exclude myself from anything which makes me have anxiety when things come up that I don't want to do.

I am kind and I celebrate his efforts in stuff he does, we both gang up on his dad and laugh at him in games.

It doesn't come naturally and I like to have some space for me but if I sit on the sofa on my phone or knit during a movie I get scolded for not joining in. It makes it all much harder.

I think I do need to leave because, I don't feel like I can offer what is expected and that is a mother and not a friend that may or may not participate
I also do not get any say in any decisions that are made in the house.

thank you for those who showed understanding. I am kind and I never went in blind expecting a life without compromise I just feel that the compromise is all mine

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 20/02/2019 12:53

In some ways, the other posters are right OP. You shouldn't have gotten married if you didn't want to be in contact with a child.

However, I think there is too much pressure here. Why don't you just work in establishing a fun relationship with his little boy?

If you don't want to go camping, fine. Spin it as a bit of father/son bonding time.

Tell your spouse you find things hard and that the pressure of being a step mum isn't something you're adapting to yet. Take the pressure off. Stop using the word step mum (I never used it with my dad's wife and they got together when I was 7). And of course you can use the word 'no'. Or 'wait until your Dad gets home and you can do it with him'.

There is a way to negotiate this. Just take off some pressure and be honest.

The priority here however, is making sure his son still feels loved and comfortable with both of you.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 12:58

llangennith I didn't say I wanted anything to change I promote their relationship, I just don't know why I have to be the new third member of EVERYTHING at the detriment of my own family, likes and dislikes.

When I say no to something I get 'but you are my wife' like its an obligation to like Disney and go camping and be the brady bunch. Why is the friendship and kindness I offer not enough, why does there need to be more and more from me

OP posts:

AliceRR · 20/02/2019 12:58

Haven’t RTFT but it’s not unreasonable that you would not love the child as your own as he is not your own. I also get that you don’t need to mother him as he has a mother and you don’t need to fulfil that role.

I think a lot of SMs take a distanced role if that works for you and if you are not impacting on his relationship with his child and if everyone is happy then that’s ok. You don’t necessarily have to be one big happy family and it is not realistic to think that’s always going to be the case as some people on her seem to think. Being kind to the child is enough and I think maybe occasionally doing things with both of them as you might if her were a nephew.

AliceRR · 20/02/2019 13:00

also I don’t think it’s fair for people to always say “you knew he had a child” or that “you shouldn’t have married him”. The same could be said of your partner - he knows you are not the child’s mother and it sounds like he knew what your expectations were. It’s not fair that people thing you are the one who needs to change your views any more than your DH. He knew what he was getting into as well and I’m sure he thought of his son in that as he is his father and that is HIS responsibility

RaffertyFair · 20/02/2019 13:01

I don't think this is about the child or your role as step parent .

You describe your relationship as on / off and got married in a "vain" (hope) that it would all "come good".

That's not a basis for any marriage. And certainly not one that includes a child.

Why would you stay?

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