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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:05

Solicitor advised TRYing mediation

He was told that you have MIAMs and the. If mediation fails then you go to court / Cafcass.
The court prefer people to have tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:06

Around my kids he is calm and we don’t talk about what’s going on.

Given what they were used to before, it’s a positive thing witnessing a loving relationship.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:07

Sounds like he needs time space and therapy to get over this all are you sure you want to throw your weight behind this? I would run screaming as a survivor of domestic abuse I would be gone rather than get my kids near a situation like this

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:07

Op, I am speechless

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:07

I encourage those visits

Bells ringing

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:09

Around my kids he is calm and we don’t talk about what’s going on

Ring ding ding

CanILeavenowplease · 02/02/2019 13:10

Given what they were used to before, it’s a positive thing witnessing a loving relationship

Erm....as teens, it’s probably, at best, cringeworthy. You still introduced them way too early, no matter how positive you consider it is that they view a loving relationship,

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:10

What?

I’m wrong for encouraging him to visit his Daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:11

What?

It’s wrong that we don’t discuss DV shit in front of my kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:12

We keep things calm and as normal as we possibly can (given that we are two people with a lot of baggage).

What should I do then?
Ditch him and live like a Nun?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:13

I’m wrong for encouraging him to visit his Daughter?

No. It’s strange that he would need encouraged.

Isadora2007 · 02/02/2019 13:13

It’s just all so messy and messed up and like one PP said; this guy has very clear boundary issues which are never going to be a good thing for a relationship. It may we’ll be down to how his ex wife has treated him, but he doesn’t need rescued by you- that’s just moving his responsibilities from one woman to another.
He needs time alone to get his legal issues sorted and his contact arrangements made more appropriate. His ex chose to move 2 hours away when she has a job requiring her to work away? Why is he left running around picking up the pieces? How does that even fit into his life and work- or is she still controlling him through that? How can his daughter ever get over the split and move on when he comes back and lives with her in the family home when mum isn’t there? It’s just far too messy. I would have been running for the hills and I do think there is a big risk your own kids will be hurt in this as this man isn’t in a position to manage to parent his own child AND be in a relationship with you long term.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 13:13

Newsflash: teenagers really don't need to have Mum or Dad's relationship forced down their throats to know 'loving' relationships are out there. You act like you're doing them all a favour being with your boyfriend.

MrsPworkingmummy · 02/02/2019 13:13

Hi OP,

You must really love him if you think it's worth sticking by him despite the huge baggage he comes with.

When I met my husband (over 10 years a go now), I was so blinded by love that I was completely naive as to how stressful it can be when dealing with a hysterical, manipulative ex. We waited around 2 years before I met their child, and in those 2 years, both her dad and I had been portrayed as home-wreckers by both her and her family. Some of the things that were said were highly inappropriate for a 4 year old. This was also confirmed by the CAFCASS report which was compiled when my husband fought for custody. I initially got on fantastically well with my SD, but ex found this incredibly difficult to deal with and persistently turned her against us/me. She would phone us up hysterically and tell us where her daughter was allowed to sit when she thought we might be eating together, I was not 'allowed' to play with SD on a 1-2-1 basis (my SD loved playing with me) and too be honest, when SD was still young, we went through years and years of stress, with his ex desperately trying to have some sort of weird control in our relationship. She completely ignored the court order too.

Fast forward 10 years and things have finally settled down and SD is surprisingly well rounded. We get on very well, but there is certainly an emotional distance between her dad and her, and between her and me which is sad. We hug and chat etc, but could never have a deep conversation about her mum as there's a lot of emotional damage hidden away.

My advice would be to let your SD lead the situation. However, when her dad is with you, make sure he texts her telling her what you're all doing and he would love it if she were there. Make her feel wanted and included, even from a distance. Ask after her and acknowledge that you understand what she's going through is horrendously tough. Is your partner fighting for custody?

If your relationship is strong enough, you'll come through it a better couple. We are almost getting to the point where DH and I can laugh about it now. There is now no contact at all with the ex.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:14

Ditch him and live like a Nun?

Are there nonother men in your county?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:14

It’s been an unreportine abusive relationship for a long time.

It’s become far worse since he met me and decided to have a long term relationship.

The DV and social services stuff has only relatively recently started. And, No, they don’t just takes kids away after one incident where charges weren’t pressed.

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:15

Ditch him

Do work on self, boundaries, need to rescue

Date man without hideously complicated background. Background check him. Don't invite him into bosum of family at 4 months.

Should do for starters

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:16

Mrs P

Yes - I do really love him

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:17

Mrs P - Thank you - at last someone who has lived this x

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 02/02/2019 13:19

I didn't realise you'd experienced DV too.

Have no idea why you would want more conflict via his ex tbh.

I'd be wanting time alone to process what I'd been through not taking someone else's shit on - or be looking for a simple straightforward healthy relationship apart from any kids, taking a lot of time to be sure because there is no rush.

I'd want to be involved with someone who had a reasonably civil breakup not all this and you only get half a story. Surely you would be extra wary?!

Unless you understand how coercive control / DV that can be hard to process.
Absolutely. So why then go onto another scenario involving DV?

Or, as you seem adamant you want this man, what happened to going on dates and taking things slowly - not getting involved in anything else for now Confused

Giesabreak · 02/02/2019 13:21

Mrs P waited two years to meet the daughter. You are not living the same situation.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:22

I’m beginning to wonder if many people on here have actually met and fallen in love with someone...

No. I’m not ditching him.

We are late 40s / early 50s and have had difficult marriages and survived.

I was hoping for advice on how we can make our lives for our children better together. My particular concern was for his Daughter.

He loves her and wants to see her as much as he can. Sometimes this is made very difficult for him.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 02/02/2019 13:23

If a woman is a victim of dv would you describe her as having a "hideously complicated" background and encourage a man not to have a relationship with her?

Some posters on this thread are massively over invested in proving the ex a victim. The vitriolic posts are quite useful as they demonstrate a mind set. A way of looking at things where you, are never, and can never be right. The way these posters are posting is what is going on in the ex's mind. Not matter what you say or what you do you will be wrong, evil and selfish.

Some balanced posts suggesting care needs to be taken but I think you are aware of that OP hence the post. You didn't just do it you have questioned the introduction and are wondering what to do.

I think time and more time, go through the processes, don't rush anything.

And just consider the depth of the vitriol being posted at some random stranger on the Internet is what the ex is thinking.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:23

I waited two years

I didn’t know this was the situation when we met.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:24

I haven’t met her yet

I might wait 2 years

That’s why I’m asking

OP posts: