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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:26

Yes Mousse...

Some of these posts are awfully familiar....

By the way... she’s said he’s ‘over dramatic’ and ‘making himself out to be a victim’

I saw the marks on him

OP posts:
sohadenoughalready · 02/02/2019 13:27

Personally I think she's using there daughter against him to control his life, he should be allowed to move on after 4years apart
Believe I know someone just like this and it's always about her not what's best for the kids, she controls his life and holds the children over him, But she can do whatever she wants, as long as he dances to her tune, think people need to look at both sides before judging op

TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 13:29

You seem to have very little care for any of the children involved here. Everything, everything is about you and your dp and his ex.

Witnessing a “loving relationship” isn’t probably what’s best for your kids, being put first and not being forced to spend their Christmas Day with a stranger is.

As for your dp, why is he worrying about a gf of 6 months over his kid? Difficult ex or not?

You both need to grow up and put your children first. It’s ridiculous.

Enigmam · 02/02/2019 13:29

If his ex is as problematic as you say, you are never going to win this battle, what I don't understand is why the need to rush. You waited 2 years to have another relationship, you gave yourself time. Why didn't you give your relationship time to develop as just the two of you?

Moussemoose · 02/02/2019 13:29

Use the errrr 'dramatic' posts as a learning experience.

If you do love him, you both deserve a chance of a decent caring relationship. I think an example of two people loving and caring for each other after bad experiences is a massively positive lesson for children to see and live with.

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:29

I wouldn't advise anyone, male or female, with kids (and particularly kids who have lived through dv once already) to date anyone whose violent ex partner was still on the scene. I also would advise them to steer clear of the whole situation if it was as fraught as it sounds. If they themselves had a background of dv, I would advise them to be particularly wary as it is quite likely they would choose another partner with similar issues, or abusive in other ways, so a new partner with a nice calm relationship history would be a better bet

Man or woman, that would be my advice. And, always put your own kids first.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:30

Why are two people who have experienced DV together?

Why do you think?

I found out and I wanted to help him. He’s my DP and I love him.

For men this is much more difficult. Proving what’s gone on. You only have to read what’s been said here to see what he’s up against.

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:31

Yes, you are rescuing. It isn't healthy.

Somethingsmellsnice · 02/02/2019 13:31

What TiredEyes says!

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:32

Is that the advice of a DV professional?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:33

His DV caseworker thinks it’s good he has my support and that I understand

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 02/02/2019 13:33

OP ignore all the vitriolic EW’s who hate the thought of their snowflake child meeting a partner or don’t want their OH to move in.

I’m 5 years into a relationship with a man with a high conflict EW and I can tell you they don’t change and they don’t get any better (I sometimes wounder how she finds the energy for all the anger and bitterness).

Ignore posters telling you to split up.

Firstly - make sure you have boundaries in place.

Get a formal contact order with the courts - you can negotiate with these women. They think they are in charge. A formal contact order means you all know where you stand.

My OH’s EW would send pages and pages of vitriolic rants via text and email. My OH has it written into the contact order that she can only email him (if she can’t behave like a rational adult then she doesn’t get to use other forms of communication).

For your own mental health stay out of it. Let your OH deal with her. You can’t ration with crazy.

Do not get sucked into her drama. My OH has been divorced over 6.5 years and still every week the EW sends a vitriolic rant about something she’s not happy with. Do not bite back. They want you to fuel their fire and are looking for a rise.

Never bad mouth the mum. It’s hard when you know the kids are being fed a pack of lies and you’re being bad mouthed but do not lower yourself to their low standards. Kids will make their own minds up.

Remember you can control them, but you can control how you react. Always take the moral high ground.

Good luck.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:34

I find it depressing that so many women would meet my DP and want to avoid a relationship with him - due to his circumstances.

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 02/02/2019 13:34

I’m beginning to wonder if many people on here have actually met and fallen in love with someone

Oh good god. You have experienced violence. You know how bad things can get. Yet you introduced your children to a relative stranger very quickly with, at best, a complicated personal situation which will, without doubt, have an impact on your children at some point. But everyone else is in the wrong?

Presumably you loved your ex and didn’t, at the 6 month mark, expect it to turn out quite how it did? Love is all well and good but it’s not just about the two of you. Sometimes being a parent means putting your own needs behind those of your children because that’s the right thing to do. Not ploughing on regardless.

You need to take stock. Listen to what is being said. People may have it wrong. But what if they don’t? There is a lot of varied experience here. Hear it before dismissing it.

Giesabreak · 02/02/2019 13:35

The DV worker thinks it's supportive and understanding to be meeting his daughter in the current circumstances?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:35

NotthernSpirit - Thank you x

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:36

What does your counsellor say about it?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:37

The DV worker hadnt discussed that with him yet - I never said that

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:37

I no longer have a counsellor.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:38

I’m 5 years into a relationship with a man with a high conflict EW and I can tell you they don’t change and they don’t get any better

Listen to this OP!! Listen!

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:38

A lot of women have way better boundaries on this kind of thing, frankly

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 02/02/2019 13:40

Some horrible responses on this thread, I thought MNetters were better than that.

I know that you love your DP and don't want to end the relationship, and I'm not going to tell you to do that, but I feel for you as you will have years of this woman trying her best to make your life a misery. You will be able to see on the step parent board how difficult it is to be a step parent and how much more difficult this can be when there is a difficult ex partner. I speak as a step parent myself, and I often think the DSC's Mum wakes up and wonders 'how can I inconvenience Ralph and DP as much as possible today'. It's such hard work and impacts on your own DC's lives too.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2019 13:40

I agree that it's too soon for his DD to meet you. I'd say the same if his marriage had broken up as a mutual decision and if his ex and he were on the best of terms.

But given the situation, perhaps your DP should consult a child psychologist about the best way to handle his relationship with his child given how difficult his ex is. Let him be guided by an expert. And I don't think it would hurt him to see a counselor himself about the DV he has experienced. But he needs to see these counselors on his own, not with you. You can certainly support and encourage him, but he needs to handle this on his own.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:41

I find it depressing that so many women would meet my DP and want to avoid a relationship with him - due to his circumstances.

I find it really heartening. So many women don’t consider their DC when getting involved with new men and it’s the DCs that suffer. It’s great to hear so many women agreeing that no relationship is better than stressful/conflict EX relationship.

No woman owes this man a relationship.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:43

In my case, yes, 20 something years ago there were red flags that I did not see. There were for my DO too. We were both young.

I waited 2 years. He waited almost 5 years.

Obviously, with what we’ve been through there’s been a lot to talk about.

6 months may seem not much time from the outside. But we have a very strong bond because of what’s happened and the similarities.

We just want our children to be happy and to live as close to a ‘normal’ life as we can, given the challenges.

We are in it for the long haul.

OP posts: