Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

[StarbucksPoo]

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

[Hellohah]

People are so quick to jump on the "the ex isn't mental" bandwagon, without considering that actually the ex wife could be a nutter, who is poisoning the daughter against her dad and the OP.

So, if this is happening, I understand why the OP seems determined to meet sooner to try and dispel the negativity from the ex before it does too much damage going forward.

She doesn't need to be called selfish etc, as I don't think she is being selfish, I think maybe she is hoping to limit difficulty in the future and help the daughter, not add to her woe.

[TearingUpMyHeart]

The op has her own kids to think about. That's what people mean.

[SummerGems]

So they’d been separated for four years already?

I wrote out a long post and did say that I’m not generally a believer that the divorce needs to determine everything given that divorces can take time for a number of reasons, however you do have a woman here who is prepared to use emotive language and talk in front of her child, and while that is not something you would want for her, the reality is that it needs to be up to your partner now to decide how he proceeds from now on. Because he needs to put his daughter’s interests first, and that may mean not being involved with anyone else for the foreseeable future if doing so is going to be damaging to his child.

Personally I would walk away now. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but the truth is that by sticking around you are storing up a lot of trouble for his dd in the future. Things aren’t likely to get better now if it’s been four years and she’s still violent to him.

[StarbucksPoo]

He stays with her while his Ex is away working 1/3 of the time

He also visits at weekends when she’s there in addition.

I encourage those visits

[StarbucksPoo]

I’m not going to walk away

Whatever anyone says here - that’s not going to happen

[Sirzy]

Would it not be better for the daughter for her to stay with him when mum is away at work. Dad “living” there for a chunk of the time must really confuse things for her

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

And that’s terrible referring to a man who has been beaten up by his Ex as ‘that’.

No. The situation is “that”! the risk of her attacking him, that you say he has been assessed as, you invited that risk to your home a couple of weeks after she’s had already beaten him up. You already knew she was dangerous and “high conflict”!

He needed somewhere ‘safe’ to spend Christmas.

You said she was out of the country at Christmas so his home was safe.

[AliceRR]

You asked for people's opinions and advice. You got people's opinions and advice. You didn't like people's opinions and advice.

OP asked for advice about how to approach a situation but much of the “advice” and “opinions” is telling her she’s selfish and to back off and not a constructive way to deal with the situation. It does seem a lot of the advice is tainted by the fact that she is a new woman in this man’s life and it is assumed she is wrong and unreasonable and the ex is right and reasonable.

People are so quick to jump on the "the ex isn't mental" bandwagon, without considering that actually the ex wife could be a nutter, who is poisoning the daughter against her dad and the OP.

Exactly. It’s so transparent as well. I’m not sure the people taking this view are even aware of how unfair this approach is.

OP Mumsnet is sometimes not a sympathetic place for stepmothers / people potentially taking on that role

[StarbucksPoo]

Thank you Hellohah

I’m willing to accept that we can’t meet his Daughter.

But there are currently things going on that really aren’t right.

Of course it looks bad that I’m calling her a High conflict Ex...

The fact is she’s already been shown by the police and DV professionals to be an abuser.

[Kikipost]

I find it disappointing and depressing that the general consensus seems to be splitting up / waiting (erm usually about 18 months / two years) for a divorce to go through.

Hardly surprising you have that view given your position on the matter.

Fact is, we don’t have any investment in your life but we are suggesting objectively that you have moved fast and that you should hold off until post divorce

You won’t though

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

actually the ex wife could be a nutter, who is poisoning the daughter against her dad and the OP.

So why on earth would you want that in your life?? Why would you want a child who is being poisoned like that around your children?

[Seline]

Comments here are a bit ridiculous. OPs relationship shouldn't be dictated by a child.

[StarbucksPoo]

The Ex lives 2 hours away
This is part of the issue
She won’t allow the Daughter to stay with him.

[Kikipost]

The fact is she’s already been shown by the police and DV professionals to be an abuser.

How does that work?
They’ve shown her to be an abuser?

[Sirzy]

Can he not move closer?

I wouldn’t be happy leaving my child with someone who is abusive two hours away.

From your version of events (which I am not disputing but of course there are two sides to every story) then it seems he needs some proper legal advice as the situation as it is is going to harm everyone it touches

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

He stays with her while his Ex is away working 1/3 of the time

He also visits at weekends when she’s there in addition.

At his exes house? The ex who beat him up a few weeks ago? He hasn’t managed to arrange contact at his own house in 4 years?

You are being spun the biggest pile of bullshit OP.

[Moussemoose]

If a woman as a victim of DV would you offer the same advice?

Some truly unpleasant victim blaming on this thread.

There is a need for space and calm in this relationship but some of the judgment shows the double standards many dv victims have to put up with.

[StarbucksPoo]

Let’s look at this issue differently:

I’m a single parent with two kids
I was abused by my Ex and it was a DV case. We are safe, happy and stable now.
I waited 2 years to meet someone.

I met and fell in love with another single parent, who had a child and has been separated for almost 5 years, who is an assessed DV victim. He in the middle of a storm and Im trying to help him. The time he spends with my family is positive, calming and loving.

How do we go about trying to make all of our lives as calm, loving as normal as possible? ...including his Daughter.

[OnceUponAThread]

I think people are being very harsh, but then there lots of posts on here about EXHs rushing into introducing new women to their kids and all the hurt they feel, so I expect that's where it's coming from.

It sounds like you made the right decision re Christmas and it's working for your side. And that's great.

But I think it's too soon to meet his daughter. She's confused and conflicted and meeting your family may actually make it harder as she might feel like she is betraying her mother if she likes you (sounds like her mum might push this view).

You mentioned counselling for her. That's a good idea. Not for you to decide but perhaps suggest it to your OH.

I think those saying wait till the divorce comes through are being unfair. If she fights it, it could be years. And I'm not convinced an abusive ex of four years plus should dictate whether he dates.
I think keep supporting him and stay with him, but let him make the judgement call on when to introduce you and when that's best for his daughter.

I'm going through a similar situation in terms of when to meet my OH's kids. We've been together a LOT longer than you and he's keen for the meeting to happen soon. My opinion is that of course I want to meet them. He's my partner and he loves them. BUT I want the timing to be right. There's no rush and I'd rather wait if they're not ready.

Six months isn't a massively long time, and not really a long term relationship yet, although as you've intro'd him to your kids it seems like you're both committed for the long haul. That's fine. Sometimes you just know.

Stay calm, play it by ear, and take his lead. Kids are smart, so don't worry too much about what ExW is saying and the lies. If he remains committed to contact then daughter will see that her dad still loves her and you aren't a threat and she will want to meet you eventually.

[Ribbonsonabox]

I dont think you should walk away but there is not much you can actually do except withdraw slightly and just be there consistently in the background for his daughter.
Theres nothing that is going to help except the passing of time here. It's not an issue you can force. The ex may very well be incredibly unreasonable but she is still the shields mother so is going to be able to 3xert alot of influence on the situation... if you go in guns blazing and try and force things it will 0nly inflame the problems.
I think it's just an question of carrying on as best you can and showing that youa rent going anywhere and that things are settled. Facilitate as much one on one contact between father and daughter as possible. That is the most important thing right now so the daughter does not feel abandoned.
You cannot do much about the exes attitude but you can prove to the daughter that you are not going to get in the way of her relationship with her father. And I think over time if you are consistent the the daughter will be able to see you are a good person despite what her ,other may say... and at some point you can start to include her in family outings with your children. I think you are probably looking at years here though.

[SummerGems]

Tbh I don’t think that questioning whether the woman has committed DV is relevant here. No-one would do that if it was a man who had abused his wife, we would take it at face value.

However OP, you need to think of your own children in all of this. This is a man who is unlikely to be in a position to have a long term relationship in the future. Someone who has to go two hours away for a third of his time (does he work and how does that work for him?) to look after his daughter. That part can be resolved through the courts and contact etc, a judge is likely to order that he have the daughter to stay with him although if she’s at school in the area she lives in that will obviously be problematic also.

Added to this, the mother is sabotaging the ability for the two of you to ever meet through her actions and words to the DD. Even if it could be stated that the mother has no say in whether the two of you meet, no court can control what is said between mother and child behind closed doors, so the words will remain the same and it’s possible that if you do meet this kind of talk is going to come into your house and your children are going to be subjected to it.

And as they’re all still so young it’s going to be years, decades even, before you’ll be in a position to do anything about it.

It’s hard but the truth is that this isn’t a battle worth fighting on your part, for your children’s sake rather than anything else.

[Pennyporter]

No matter the thread you'll get lots of people pro ending the relationship. Sad but true.

[StarbucksPoo]

Kikipost

Police records
DV assessment
Records of relentless abusive texts

[CanILeavenowplease]

And am I really that bad for just wanting to be with another person and be happy? Really?

No. But assuming that everyone around you absolutely has to fall in with that is unreasonable. Not everyone is willing or able to go at the same pace as you.

He often spends time with just his Daughter and looks after her 1/3 of the time

That isn’t generally consistent with high conflict situations.

If mum is abusive, I assume he is fighting through the courts for residence? That he is in regular contact with school and Social Services?

You won’t want to hear this because you’re in the wrong place but I’ll say it anyway. My ex tells anyone willing to listen about how abusive I am. How his children are at risk and how they live in a filthy, disgusting environment, are always late for school, aren’t making progress etc. His girlfriends in particular have it laid on thick. None of it is true. Whilst not physically abusive, he is very controlling and hasn’t paid maintenance in over 11 years. I am pretty sure he plays clean cut, suited and booted professional to the outside world. Why wouldn’t you believe him?

I am not saying the situation you are experiencing is the same. But it’s not quite adding up for me. Be aware. Keep an open mind.

[Loopytiles]

You introduced him to your DC way too soon. There’s no need for his DC to meet you at this time, and this would be unlikely to benefit her.