Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

[StarbucksPoo]

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

[sofato5miles]

I am absolutely horrified by the mean and vitriolic posts! What the actual fuck are people on, it's like like gang warfare!!

[supermamabear]

TeddyIsaHe Try asking that to the previous posters in this thread ;)

[explodingkitten]

It reads that you think that if his daughter would just meet you everything will be ok between all of you. However, it just could make things more difficult for his daughter if the mum interrogates the child and uses all information to portray you negatively. This is a possible outcome where the daughter will be put in the middle more than she already is. Not that I know the solution to this but just to warn you that meeting her could make the situation worse instead of better.

If you really want to show yourself to her you can make a short introduction video on your phone of you, your kids, pets and hobbies and your partner can show it to her next time. That way you are less of a stranger to his daughter without actually meeting her just yet.

[bibliomania]

I don't think you have to break up with him, but I think you should back off completely from any expectation of involvement with his DD. I don't see why he needs to mention you to his DD when he's spending time with her. I agree with a pp that the exW will probably put pressure on DD to report it back to her.

Have your time with him, let his DD have his time with him, and keep both of these completely separate. A big happy blended family is not a realistic goal in this situation, so let go of that dream and let him keep both lives compartmentalised.

[hellhavenofury]

Pushing his DD into meeting you and slotting into your 'perfect life' surely wont help. You have to remember, a lot of children living in Single parent (mothers) houses are fiercely protective of their mothers. DD coming to you and you telling her that her mother 'lies' and you are this perfect family unit is only going to push her away and do exactly what you are saying her mother is doing. DD meeting you and your DC should always be on her terms and when she wants. It could be 6 months or 3 years but thats her choice not yours to make. In MHO, you do sound quite selfish and if its either your way or the highway!!!

[ChillUrBeans]

Ok I haven't RTFT so others may have said this already.

DH's ex used to be high conflict, now not so much but still goes through phases.

In reality unless he goes via the mediation and possibly court then yes you will just have to wait until the ex agrees. You say she is deeply unhappy but hasn't blocked altogether by the look of it.

Don't worry about stuff that is said - just make sure you are never the one saying things! My DP's ex will still sometime try and game play but as the SDC's have got older they genuinely see it for what it is - DSD will say "moms just trying to twist DSS head again", DSS was told for years he was scared of us and now thinks its quite funny because he knows he never has been but was just told it constantly. They are old enough now to know it is because mom feels insecure sometimes at their relationship with us. We make sure it is never rubbed in her face (don't post crap all over social media etc). Ignore when we here negatives and just stay consistent at yours, if ever mom is mentioned you just keep saying, I don't really know your mom but I know that she loves you very much.

Ultimately no child wants to hear negatives about either of their parents as they see it as a reflection of themselves .