Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

[StarbucksPoo]

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

[ChillUrBeans]

Ok I haven't RTFT so others may have said this already.

DH's ex used to be high conflict, now not so much but still goes through phases.

In reality unless he goes via the mediation and possibly court then yes you will just have to wait until the ex agrees. You say she is deeply unhappy but hasn't blocked altogether by the look of it.

Don't worry about stuff that is said - just make sure you are never the one saying things! My DP's ex will still sometime try and game play but as the SDC's have got older they genuinely see it for what it is - DSD will say "moms just trying to twist DSS head again", DSS was told for years he was scared of us and now thinks its quite funny because he knows he never has been but was just told it constantly. They are old enough now to know it is because mom feels insecure sometimes at their relationship with us. We make sure it is never rubbed in her face (don't post crap all over social media etc). Ignore when we here negatives and just stay consistent at yours, if ever mom is mentioned you just keep saying, I don't really know your mom but I know that she loves you very much.

Ultimately no child wants to hear negatives about either of their parents as they see it as a reflection of themselves .

[hellhavenofury]

Pushing his DD into meeting you and slotting into your 'perfect life' surely wont help. You have to remember, a lot of children living in Single parent (mothers) houses are fiercely protective of their mothers. DD coming to you and you telling her that her mother 'lies' and you are this perfect family unit is only going to push her away and do exactly what you are saying her mother is doing. DD meeting you and your DC should always be on her terms and when she wants. It could be 6 months or 3 years but thats her choice not yours to make. In MHO, you do sound quite selfish and if its either your way or the highway!!!

[bibliomania]

I don't think you have to break up with him, but I think you should back off completely from any expectation of involvement with his DD. I don't see why he needs to mention you to his DD when he's spending time with her. I agree with a pp that the exW will probably put pressure on DD to report it back to her.

Have your time with him, let his DD have his time with him, and keep both of these completely separate. A big happy blended family is not a realistic goal in this situation, so let go of that dream and let him keep both lives compartmentalised.

[explodingkitten]

It reads that you think that if his daughter would just meet you everything will be ok between all of you. However, it just could make things more difficult for his daughter if the mum interrogates the child and uses all information to portray you negatively. This is a possible outcome where the daughter will be put in the middle more than she already is. Not that I know the solution to this but just to warn you that meeting her could make the situation worse instead of better.

If you really want to show yourself to her you can make a short introduction video on your phone of you, your kids, pets and hobbies and your partner can show it to her next time. That way you are less of a stranger to his daughter without actually meeting her just yet.

[supermamabear]

TeddyIsaHe Try asking that to the previous posters in this thread ;)

[sofato5miles]

I am absolutely horrified by the mean and vitriolic posts! What the actual fuck are people on, it's like like gang warfare!!

[TeddyIsaHe]

supermamabear do you often spend your days gleefully putting other women down for having a different opinion? How unnecessary and nasty. As if women don’t have enough shit to deal with without other women sticking the boot in.

You’ve given good advice as well, but ruined it by being so utterly hideous.

[supermamabear]

Boy oh boy the bitter first wives were out in full force for that one! I’m so sorry. They were probably just enjoying their Saturday morning rants because the ex husband and the new step mums are doing all the weekend childcare so they’re free to waste their lives on here being vitriolic and awful ;)

I’ve been in a similar situation. I met my OH before he was divorced, bit of a messy situation but these things happen. His EW is a total nightmare, very high conflict and totally nuts. She was emotionally abusive to my OH throughout their relationship and it escalated to DV a couple of times. It’s been really stressful but my DSD (light of my life) was only 2 when I met her so bit easier to get her on side. Really worry about the future but at the end of the day I’ve had to accept I can’t control the situation as you can’t control how your OH’s nightmare EW behaves.

I would say take it slow, let your OH do the hard work and emotional heavy lifting with his daughter and EW and be there for your girls. It’ll all calm down and come out in the wash. Good luck.

[Itsallpeachyfornow]

I must add there are also some lovely people on these forums who try to overshadow the negative, certain users however should be monitored closer

[Itsallpeachyfornow]

This thread is exactly the reason mumsnet is a terrible platform for anyone who needs support. What you get instead is very judgemental people who obviously live very perfect lives with all the preaching, abuse and narrowminded opinions.
You tend to see the same people abusing users on threads like this, you never see these users on any upbeat threads.

Keep smiling I am sure your situation will get better, the only way is up Xxx

[MistressDeeCee]

I feel sorry for DD in all this, adults will drive her mad..me me me me🙄

[PerverseConverse]

Good god. What a shit show.

[StarbucksPoo]

Yes that’s how it seems...
Also people who clearly have no experience of DV ranting from their keyboard and belittling others. Nasty.

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

On mumsnet you get very little support for male victims of DV. The usual is "what did they do to provoke it". It isn't even worth posting about on here. The solitary supportive voices will be drowned out.

[nevernotstruggling]

I have nothing to add bit 'more baggage than heathrow' is awesome and I'm stealing that

[StarbucksPoo]

Thank you x

[MoreCheeseDear]

Ok thanks. I was furious so replied instead of reporting.

[StarbucksPoo]

Cheese - your post was only deleted because it contained the nasty post above. Just thought you should know. x

[StarbucksPoo]

Thank you Cheese & Swing

Can’t be bothered to reply to other posts who have clearly not RTFT

Depressed at the lack of support here for victims (plural) of DV. Posters more intent on attacking and gleeful to boot / put the boot in.

There were a handful of posters who made sense and I shall take their advice on board.

[swingofthings]

People get together and do so successfully in much worse circumstances. The only mistake OP is making is wanting to rush things so she can have her dream family life, assuming that everything is black or white.

Finding someone you think you can build a future with is not easy in your 40s, so aiming for the perfect soul mate could see you spending the rest of your life alone. OP is happy with her boyfriend, why should she ditch him? What she needs is take a step back and accept she can't have what she wants right away and will then realised that she might to make more compromises than what she originally expected.

[swingofthings]

I have to ask why he even told his STBXW about you. I wouldn't have in his position
Indeed. And why would who go and stay in the house of the person that beat you up?

Sadly I don't think he is totally honest with OP and is telling her only the story that gets her to feel very sorry for him and all the attention he craves and it works as he's picked someone who's been through dv and therefore will feel strongly about it and full of sympathy.

[SandyY2K]

I have to ask why he even told his STBXW about you. I wouldn't have in his position.

They've been split for almost 5 years...his love life is none of her business.

Although I think you should not rush into meeting his DD... I also think he met yours too soon.... but really his STBXW need not have known about you yet.

Perhaps he needs to do something like the freedom programme too.

Another thing... she needs him to look after his DD when she works... why can't he take her to his house? Is it the distance? Would she refuse overnight contact?

[Livelovebehappy]

Another one who thinks it’s best to slow things right down. Normal circumstances would mean 6 months is ok to introduce you to his dd, but sounds like the situation is very complex. Just enjoy the dating and spending time with your Dp, and let him continue with the professionals to sort out the mess currently playing out with his ex. By trying to involve yourself in his dds life, you are by default involving yourself in his ex’s life, so for now just step away from that part of his life and be there to offer emotional support to him if he needs it. It’s probably a pretty messy situation which will be further complicated by you stepping into the mix.