Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

[StarbucksPoo]

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

[StarbucksPoo]

It is indeed the ‘glee’ and judgemental attitude that I find so depressing.

Christmas happened because the Daughter was taken away by his Ex to another country and he couldn’t see her.
It was stay with us or spend a miserable time on his own.

[AliceRR]

I don’t think you’re being selfish OP but not sure what to suggest. If your partner had a good relationship with his daughter then maybe this is something he can discuss with her and see if she wants to meet you. She is old enough to understand perhaps her Mum is being a bit irrational about it. If she wants to meet you then fine and if not you could put it off for a while but I don’t see that you should stop seeing each other in the meantime.

[Moussemoose]

Do you think if you step back a little the Ex will change her attitude if she thinks you are out of the picture?

Even if you convince the child you are good for her father will this make Ex worse. Would this help the child?

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

we just have to wait and allow his Ex to fuck with his DD’s mind and lie to her for another 18 months. And then unpick all the damage afterwards?


Well no, because he will still be seeing his daughter won’t he? He’ll be able to chat about you and tell her nice things about you and your children and who knows, maybe she will decide she wants to meet you and maybe her mum will soften and see she hasn’t been fair and decide it’s ok.

[StarbucksPoo]

Wow to that post completely - really? I’m that bad?

[O4FS]

Maybe give it another six months and see how the divorce is progressing?

I think I was seeing DP for about a year before I introduced him to my DCs. He isn’t involved in their lives and we don’t live together though, but his DCs are older so there’s no blending to do.

Trouble is, introducing DD to you and yours may make the divorce even harder, and take longer.

I think keep some space between you, enjoy your relationship between you and him for a little longer, before involving the children.

I’d be worried that it would make everything a lot more bitter and complicated by forcing the issue now.

[Sirzy]

For now simply “let” him spend time with his daughter alone. No pressure to see you.

The important relationship here is the father and daughter one and to push your involment at this point could damage that irreparably

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

Six months seems a little too soon especially with a high conflict ex. Two.optuons

1: let her decide if she wants to meet you. Let her lead and if she says no, respect it

2: wait another 4-6 months and hope things calm a little.

[Moussemoose]

@anotherwearytraveller

I really think this is a desperately unpleasant post.

I really think you are quite unpleasant tbh. Selfish and thoughtless and determined to be the best

The same could quite easily be said about you.

[queenrollo]

How long have he and his ex been separated before getting round to the divorce? Because it's not clear, and it might make a difference (a little) to some of the advice you get.

If you really want this relationship to work though I think you need to slow right down. The most important person in the trio of you/him/his dd, is his DD and if that means you have to sacrifice some family weekends for the forseeable future to encourage a relationship between the two of them - then that's the way forward.

You might want to show this girl what a 'normal' family you are, but it honestly has to be at her pace if that is going to happen at all.
You are not a 'normal' family - you are (possibly, if it works out) a blended family and if that is going to work then the grown ups have to make compromises. And you have to accept that you may have to make more of these than his ex is willing to.

[anotherwearytraveller]

Rubbish
She’s gloating about her perfect new set up and then how vile the ex is when the ex sounds traumatised and trying to advocate for her DD.

OP should centre her own life for what works for her but let the father and his ex centre the DD who sounds confused and miserable. She needs time with her dad. Pretending her new blended family is perfect and the DD should be merged into it is selfish.

Nothing the OP has written suggests she actually has the DD’s interests at heart. It’s just point scoring against the ex.

[StarbucksPoo]

OK here are some things that I omitted from my original post...

The Ex IS high conflict and has been for a long time, prior to me meeting him. He’s been prevented from having a LTR for 4 years.

It’s a DV case - he’s been assessed as medium risk.

She beat him up in early December.

The Ex has told many lies to distort things in the Daughter’s mind, including going on about sexual activity.

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

How did your DCs father feel about them meeting and spending Xmas with a man you’ve only known for a few months?

[babbi]

I understand you think you have good intentions... but having walked this path - trust me there is nothing you can do to influence what the mother says to her child and to change any behaviours or attitudes that eminate from that other house .

This will most likely not go smoothly for a long time ( if ever ) ... be prepared for that ....
if I had known what I was getting into (similar to you re the ex not happy and in the midst of the divorce). I’d have run for the hills and saved myself years of hard work and emotional highs and lows ...

I’d echo what previous posters are saying and think long and hard about what you are getting into ... years of toxic atmosphere and drama - it will affect your own children as well as the poor girl ... years that you will not get back for them and with them ...


Good luck with whatever you decide ..

[Dimsumlosesum]

You asked for people's opinions and advice. You got people's opinions and advice. You didn't like people's opinions and advice. I would suggest perhaps asking a public forum for opinions and advice may not be the way forward for you if you find it so upsetting.

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

It’s a DV case - he’s been assessed as medium risk.

She beat him up in early December.

And you invited that to spend Xmas with your children??

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

Why on Earth you want to entangle your children is this shitstorm is beyond me. Your job is to make their lives as safe and stress free as possible not invite it into their home!

[Tiredeyes21]

@StarbucksPoo don’t ditch him at the first sign of trouble as other have suggested! You don’t sound horrible OP and I can totally see how you just want the best for everyone involved.
My experience is that a high conflict ex will always be high conflict, no matter what the situation is, divorce or not. Once the divorce is through there will the next thing that there is conflict over and this cycle will jsut continue.

I’d take baby steps with your Oh DD, a slow meeting over a few months, let her make her mind up and opinion. She is old enough to see how parents play each other off and will really jsut want an easy life and no conflict. Take it steady...

I don’t think 4 months is too early too meet if you know it’s going to work, my now DH of 11 years spent Xmas with my family and my DSS 5 months after we met.....


To be honest you are probably best staying off Mumsnet with this type of question as there is a lot of hatred out there

[StarbucksPoo]

He often spends time with just his Daughter and looks after her 1/3 of the time.

He often goes and spends time at weekends with her. That’s happening today actually.

They talk about things a lot and she is currently very confused. She knows about us but has been told we are all ‘bad’.

I accept that we may have to leave things longer. I wonder if she may need counselling to deal with the conflict between her parents.

[Sirzy]

Your added information just goes further to show he needs to focus on his daughter

[Tiredeyes21]

Sounds horrible situation Op with your Oh being a victim of DV... the ex sounds like a nightmare!

[TearingUpMyHeart]

Woah. Why are you bringing this highly dysfunctional dynamic anywhere near your kids - after only a few months as well. Never mind his dd!
Steer well clear would be my advice

[MakeAWhish]

It's their issues to work through, not yours. Let your partner and his ex deal with it and let them get on with it. His DD should be allowed to see her dad without his 'new family' until she's comfortable with being introduced to you all. Enjoy your time together separate to this, and trust that your partner will paint a more appealing picture of you without calling her mother a liar. You need to put your feelings aside, because it's not about you.

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

He often goes and spends time at weekends with her. That’s happening today actually.

Does she not stay with him?

[StarbucksPoo]

And that’s terrible referring to a man who has been beaten up by his Ex as ‘that’.

Would you be writing about a woman experiencing DV like this?

He needed somewhere ‘safe’ to spend Christmas. We had two relaxed days all together and then my kids went to their Dad’s.

It was absolutely the right thing to do.