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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
Kikipost · 02/02/2019 12:52

Social services would be heavily involved then.
The child would not be with the mother in this scenario

bringbacksideburns · 02/02/2019 12:53

The Ex lives 2 hours away
This is part of the issue
She won’t allow the Daughter to stay with him.

He needs to look at this again and get legal advice. They need to find a way to work through his contact with his child.

Are Children's Services involved?
If she's violent and it's been logged I would have thought so.

It is absolute madness to go to her house and it's sending mixed messages and not creating space away from what sounds like a bitter and angry woman.

I think he needs to sort out all these issues legally before you even think of introducing your family to his daughter.

Her mother should not be using the child as a tool in the breakup.
In a DV situation like this if it was the other way round a Social worker would be involved surely and the incident when he was beaten up should have been reported to the Police - have they got a SW?

There's a he'll of a lot going on here OP. Be wary and take a step back for a bit. That's all people are saying - although some go about it in an aggressive fashion on here.

Kikipost · 02/02/2019 12:53

Your partner moved two hours away from his child in the hands of someone who is very aggressive with police involvement?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 12:54

Kikipost

They are

Things move very slowly...

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 12:54

If his daughter lives two hours away and doesn’t visit him then there really is no need to force a meeting between her and your family. It’s possible to date without involving children. Certainly within the first year. I would have thought that was the nice thing about dating- it being about just you and not about being a mum! I’ve never understood why so many people rush past the good stuff to get bogged down with the stressful stuff. It’s weird.

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 12:54

Your kids have lived through one experience of dv already, and now your new partner of a short period of time also has a background with dv (I am assuming you have checked already that he was not also abusive). Honestly - I would be steering well clear, for my own kids sake. His boundaries sound all over the place - he stays at hers, somehow despite the proof of dv he has not been able to get a court ordered visitation schedule etc etc

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 12:55

I dont agree that you have introduced him to your DC too soon. You have been single for a while and your children are older. Theres no reason not to introduce them to a partner you are now serious about. I think 6 months in that scenario is a totally reasonable amount of time to introduce your children to someone. I personally think it's more damaging to hide relationship from kids of that age! They are going to pick up that you are seeing someone and feel aggrieved that they have not been informed and included if you dont!
I really dont understand why the op is getting flack for introducing her children to this man. They are in a serious relationship and the op had been single for a long time prior to this!

Kikipost · 02/02/2019 12:56

No
They do not when a child is as risk

As far as I can tell

  1. Your partner’s ex is violent and police have been involved
  2. Your partner moves two hours away
3 leaving his daughter in the hands of someone volatile and aggressive

Correct?

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 02/02/2019 12:56

I think with evidence of DV, should the SS be involved? Can your oh go to court to become primary carer? If he's getting beat up by the ex it's not a safe environment for him and his dd.

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 12:58

Op introduced them after 4 months, not 6, then went straight into a nice family xmas time together.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 12:58

I think 6 months in that scenario is a totally reasonable amount of time to introduce your children to someone

It was 4 months.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 12:59

They have lived in two separate places for two years and he goes to her place when she’s working away.
This can be done with safe handover / friend present.
He wants to keep on looking after his Daughter.
But they are trying to find a better long term solution.

Mediation is happening and he’s been getting legal advice and cracking on with the divorce.

The DV stuff is taking time... MRAC happening soon. Yes the relevant professionals are involved but the system really isn’t as ‘instant’ as people think it is (I guess you wouldn’t know this unless you’ve experienced DV).

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 12:59

MY children aren’t an issue here
Really.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 02/02/2019 12:59

Tbh I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong answer in terms of how soon to introduce to DC, assuming that it’s not on the first date etc, and also with the DC’s age being a factor.

In my case I split from my ex in July and got together with DP in the march of the next year. Had no intentions of introducing DS any time soon at that point but then ex gave me an ultimatum. Either I introduce them and tell DS that I was seeing someone or he would. He even came round with DS unannounced when DP was here in the hopes of catching us together so to speak.

So he left me with no choice but to introduce them, but I did so as friends to begin with, and six years on we’re still together, although we don’t live together so DS gets to see me on my own as well as with DP iyswim.

With regards to ex however he was talking about going on family holidays even before he’d introduced his dp to DS or her children to him etc, they met after six weeks together, she was pregnant after just over a year and moved in pretty much straight away. And although they’re still together, DS hasn’t stayed there now for over three years, and even ex admits that his handling of everything probably had an impact there.

But in your case OP I wouldn’t have introduced my own children into a situation where there was already conflict. You already knew that the ex was going to be difficult about the DD meeting your partner, and as a result there is a high likelihood that this relationship won’t work out, after all if he’s not had a relationship for five years then there’s a good chance that the conflict between him and his ex has played a part in that and he’s had to walk away several times already. So on that basis I would be assuming that the relationship is still on very shaky ground and wouldn’t have introduced my children into it until I’d A, met his DD or at least come some way towards doing so, and B, knew that the relationship was on steadier ground, because right now it really isn’t. And if he’s walked away before he may well do so again, and you need to guard against that, and that includes protecting your children.

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:00

If she is violent why did he move without his daughter? Apart from trust have you done a background check?

Fwiw I think it is too soon to put more pressure on the situation just hang back support him and wait for a calmer time to think about introducing her into your family unit it's ultimately going to be very hard on her at first she has lost her dad as it were then she can't see him on her own? Too much too soon from a child's perspective in my opinion

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:01

MY children aren’t an issue here
Really.

Yes that’s the problem.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 13:01

Why does she need to be pushed into your 'normal, loving' couple/familyhood if she lives so far away? It's only been 6 months. Why can't you two give that more time? And sadly it doesn't sound very normal at all.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:01

My DP did NOT move away from his Daughter

It was the other way round

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:01

Mediation is not advised in domestic violence cases surely you know this?

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:01

It takes five years though???

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:02

How did she achieve that with the family home is it a caravan?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:02

He’s been in an abusive coercive relationship - told when he can see her and how to spend his time and money.

Unless you understand how coercive control / DV that can be hard to process.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 02/02/2019 13:04

And for those stating that DV can’t be true and that the children would have been removed from the parent, that is simply not true.

You only have to go on to the relationships boards to see that there are plenty of women who are victims of DV and where the authorities aren’t interested if the children weren’t victims themselves and the fathers still get unsupervised contact.

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:04

If there is a child at risk children's services can have that kid gone asap have no doubts about that my neighbour has custody of his kids it was pretty instant

TearingUpMyHeart · 02/02/2019 13:05

How is any of this good for your kids???