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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 02/02/2019 18:58

I don't get why you've been given such a hard time. You have great intentions and are not doing anything harmful.

I however think you are way to emotionally involved. You seem to think you know all about your partner, his, his past. It's very rare to know someone inside out after 6 months, especially whrn not yet living together.

You talk about his ex, her actions, behaviours, thoughts as if you lived with her. I can only assume you are repeating what your partner says about her. Again, it is, highly likely that what you got was only one side of the story at this point.

Don't waste your energy building a picture of who she is, and convincing yourself you've got it perfectly right. Don't fight your partners battles, it's much too early for that if ever.

Step back, concentrate on helping him and your kids grtti g to know each other. You are Mike's away from being a hspoy family the 5 of you however desperate you are to recreate what you didn't gave with the father of your children. Take it one step at a time and stop giving his, ex so much of your attention.

mayathebeealldaylong · 02/02/2019 19:10

So he only spent Christmas with you because otherwise he would of been alone?...
how used were you! So this happy family Christmas was just second place.
And your with him why?
She beat him up? Hit him? If it was the other way we all would be telling a WOMEN not to jump in to another relationship until they fixed and worked through themselves!
You have a 'Poor Me Guy!' And they are the worse.
What till you start having issues with him or something else, and you realise the support doesn't work both ways.
The honeymoon period last up until 18/24 months, until that point your still in the making excuses and just dealing with crap stage. The issue is people usually move in or get pregnant before then, or get dc involved.
Your both acting as if she is the one you have to battle and she's making all the decisions, it actually sounds like it one of the main things you talk about ' red flag'
Let him see his dc alone, enjoy you relationship without pushing for drama, because once you are around the dd, your going to be doing a lot of thankless task and extra parenting and spending.

MistressDeeCee · 02/02/2019 19:13

He's a married man.

Did he spend time with his daughter at Christmas?

Teapot1984 · 02/02/2019 19:31

God your DP Ex sounds batshit crazy,she also sounds jealous as well.

I would think that passed the 6+ months mark is probably a good time to introduce a new partner but you DP's DD may not be ready yet given the confusing situation she's been placed in by her mother.

How mature is she?,could he have a conversation with her about how she feels about meeting you?

Also what are his custody arrangements with his daughter,is he in a position where he's allowed to spend time with her or is the ex withholding access?

You need to prepare yourself that the foreseeable future with your DP if you stay together will contain an ex who is going to a nightmare from the sound of it but there is a light at the end of tunnel though,it'll be less than 6 years until your DP's DD turns 18 at which point he doesn't have to have anything to do with his ex anymore

BlewGoose · 02/02/2019 19:39

I think, OP, that the reality is that there is no way good to make this work. This will be a complete shitshow for decades. If you're happy for you and your kids to be a part of it then you have every right. But the reason people aren't being more constructive is that there is no way to control this situation.

Dimsumlosesum · 02/02/2019 20:23

Also, to the posters saying it's obviously everyone being "bitter" - it's also a case that a lot of us have actually been through parents doing this to us. From both sides, both parents, then a new boyfriend or girlfriend comes on the scene and for ma y children and young people this is a massive, often painful adjustment to have to come to terms with. I feel sorry for children caught in the middle.

Livelovebehappy · 02/02/2019 21:52

Another one who thinks it’s best to slow things right down. Normal circumstances would mean 6 months is ok to introduce you to his dd, but sounds like the situation is very complex. Just enjoy the dating and spending time with your Dp, and let him continue with the professionals to sort out the mess currently playing out with his ex. By trying to involve yourself in his dds life, you are by default involving yourself in his ex’s life, so for now just step away from that part of his life and be there to offer emotional support to him if he needs it. It’s probably a pretty messy situation which will be further complicated by you stepping into the mix.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2019 02:17

I have to ask why he even told his STBXW about you. I wouldn't have in his position.

They've been split for almost 5 years...his love life is none of her business.

Although I think you should not rush into meeting his DD... I also think he met yours too soon.... but really his STBXW need not have known about you yet.

Perhaps he needs to do something like the freedom programme too.

Another thing... she needs him to look after his DD when she works... why can't he take her to his house? Is it the distance? Would she refuse overnight contact?

swingofthings · 03/02/2019 07:10

I have to ask why he even told his STBXW about you. I wouldn't have in his position
Indeed. And why would who go and stay in the house of the person that beat you up?

Sadly I don't think he is totally honest with OP and is telling her only the story that gets her to feel very sorry for him and all the attention he craves and it works as he's picked someone who's been through dv and therefore will feel strongly about it and full of sympathy.

Ophiophagus · 03/02/2019 07:20

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MoreCheeseDear · 03/02/2019 10:32

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swingofthings · 03/02/2019 11:10

People get together and do so successfully in much worse circumstances. The only mistake OP is making is wanting to rush things so she can have her dream family life, assuming that everything is black or white.

Finding someone you think you can build a future with is not easy in your 40s, so aiming for the perfect soul mate could see you spending the rest of your life alone. OP is happy with her boyfriend, why should she ditch him? What she needs is take a step back and accept she can't have what she wants right away and will then realised that she might to make more compromises than what she originally expected.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 03/02/2019 12:53

Thank you Cheese & Swing

Can’t be bothered to reply to other posts who have clearly not RTFT

Depressed at the lack of support here for victims (plural) of DV. Posters more intent on attacking and gleeful to boot / put the boot in.

There were a handful of posters who made sense and I shall take their advice on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 03/02/2019 13:02

Cheese - your post was only deleted because it contained the nasty post above. Just thought you should know. x

OP posts:
MoreCheeseDear · 03/02/2019 13:13

Ok thanks. I was furious so replied instead of reporting.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 03/02/2019 13:18

Thank you x

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 03/02/2019 13:21

I have nothing to add bit 'more baggage than heathrow' is awesome and I'm stealing that

ThisMustBeMyDream · 03/02/2019 14:10

On mumsnet you get very little support for male victims of DV. The usual is "what did they do to provoke it". It isn't even worth posting about on here. The solitary supportive voices will be drowned out.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 03/02/2019 14:21

Yes that’s how it seems...
Also people who clearly have no experience of DV ranting from their keyboard and belittling others. Nasty.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 03/02/2019 15:33

Good god. What a shit show.

MistressDeeCee · 03/02/2019 19:08

I feel sorry for DD in all this, adults will drive her mad..me me me me🙄

Itsallpeachyfornow · 04/02/2019 00:47

This thread is exactly the reason mumsnet is a terrible platform for anyone who needs support. What you get instead is very judgemental people who obviously live very perfect lives with all the preaching, abuse and narrowminded opinions.
You tend to see the same people abusing users on threads like this, you never see these users on any upbeat threads.

Keep smiling I am sure your situation will get better, the only way is up Xxx

Itsallpeachyfornow · 04/02/2019 00:50

I must add there are also some lovely people on these forums who try to overshadow the negative, certain users however should be monitored closer

supermamabear · 04/02/2019 12:09

Boy oh boy the bitter first wives were out in full force for that one! I’m so sorry. They were probably just enjoying their Saturday morning rants because the ex husband and the new step mums are doing all the weekend childcare so they’re free to waste their lives on here being vitriolic and awful ;)

I’ve been in a similar situation. I met my OH before he was divorced, bit of a messy situation but these things happen. His EW is a total nightmare, very high conflict and totally nuts. She was emotionally abusive to my OH throughout their relationship and it escalated to DV a couple of times. It’s been really stressful but my DSD (light of my life) was only 2 when I met her so bit easier to get her on side. Really worry about the future but at the end of the day I’ve had to accept I can’t control the situation as you can’t control how your OH’s nightmare EW behaves.

I would say take it slow, let your OH do the hard work and emotional heavy lifting with his daughter and EW and be there for your girls. It’ll all calm down and come out in the wash. Good luck.

TeddyIsaHe · 04/02/2019 12:27

supermamabear do you often spend your days gleefully putting other women down for having a different opinion? How unnecessary and nasty. As if women don’t have enough shit to deal with without other women sticking the boot in.

You’ve given good advice as well, but ruined it by being so utterly hideous.