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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:11

Was his hideous wife abusing him? Was it a DV case? Did you hear him interviewed. By professionals?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:13

No that’s not it at all ILoveMaxBondi

Not at all

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 14:14

Family time, D'P', you 'trying to get help' to force his DD to play happy families. You've barely been together for the dating equivalent of 5 minutes.

But yeah, Teddy is spot on.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:16

I don’t understand....

Your father was a good man who was abused by your mother?

You had s chance to spend some time with another family who may have been kind to you?

Explain

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 02/02/2019 14:17

You don't have to ditch him. Neither do you have to force the pace so you can have a " normal" family relationship with all your DC involved. There is no normal by the way, single parent families can have just as lovely times as two parent.

Step back and think about Christmas. You were rescuing him, albeit with good intentions. Plenty folk spend it alone, not at all miserably. Or with other friends. He could have come over in the evening for example. I have to say if I hadn't been able to spend Christmas with my DC when they were wee I certainly wouldn't want to with others' DC. Nor would I want my DC to think I did ( not for always of course but in this early days situation.) I think there is a danger here of you both overrelying on each other/ rescuing and you should be aware.

If you are right, and this is a keeper, well youu have years to spend time, the two of you and with the DC. There is no rush.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:19

I am being made out to be bad here?

Why?

I’m just trying to help and asking advice.

There’s some very bitter people out there

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 02/02/2019 14:19

Poor OP. Ignore the idiots who claim to know your own feelings better than you do!!!! Of course you can have a strong bond/be in love with someone you've known 6 months or less. Clearly this is a board full of cold, emotionless robots. I don't think the OP has came across as anything but concerned about the welfare of the children in this situation.

Ophiophagus · 02/02/2019 14:19

I dont answer to you!

Ive given advice, the same as many, and you arent listening.

It will be the cluster fuck predicted. I just pity those who have to deal with the fall out.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 14:21

I asked earlier but i’ll Ask again, what is the rush to play happy families when you two could just just enjoy each other, go on dates, have all the nice stuff about dating and getting to know someone. Why do any children need to be involved in that?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 14:24

I don't think the OP has came across as anything but concerned about the welfare of the children in this situation.

Well that’s not true is it? If it were she would have been asking how to help him get custody of his child who lives with a violent DAer. Instead she wanted to know how she’s coudk force contact between this child and her own family. It was all for the furtherment of her relationship on her schedule. Nothing to do with the child’s welfare.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 02/02/2019 14:24

HE needs to be the one taking the initiative to help his relationship with his child. And you're looking not for help but for validation and how to force this child to play happy families with you all.

RomanyRoots · 02/02/2019 14:25

I'm not bitter, we have no steps in our family, thank God.
However, this is far too soon and I don't blame his ex.
You have different values obviously, but the ex thinks it will harm her daughter and wants to wait.
You should respect this, anything less than a year is just a short relationship that might not go anywhere.
You have rushed into things, how is your 12 year old?

MrsPworkingmummy · 02/02/2019 14:26

How do you know she hasn't pushed for mediation/custody? You've all jumped on a twisted interpretation of her post.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/02/2019 14:30

I am 18 months further down the line than you OP.
Partner has a high conflict ex girlfriend, with a 2 year old child.
He was the victim of DV (as was his daughter). Social services were involved. Because the child was so young, it was deemed better for her to be left with her primary carer.
They did put in place regular and frequent contact at an increasing pace, through the court process.
It hasn't got much easier, but the violence and screaming has lessened considerably. Her mother is still continuing to try and exert her will over the child when she is in her father's care. It doesn't work as he will not be controlled through fear anymore. That is the difference I think. He will not allow her to control. If she asks something reasonable, of course he will comply. But anything else is not acted upon.
Is he going through family court?

Freddiepurrcury · 02/02/2019 14:34

OP, my stepdad has a high conflict ex who was arrested more than ten times, slapped with a restraining order, poisoned my step sister’s mind against all of us and still people thought it was his fault. Some people just do not want to believe that high conflict exes do exist! I am so glad that I have a relationship with my stepsister now and so pleased my mum persevered with my stepdad who is a lovely, caring man. Take your time and your partner’s daughter will eventually see that you are decent. Just be warned it may take a while. Nine years later we are a happy blended family and my mum and stepdad’s relationship is the most solid I know. Best of luck xxx

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:37

Its still in mediation (for now) as he was advised by his solicitor to try that first.
I think, now other professionals are involved, it will end up in the family court.

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 14:40

Why is he in mediation with his abuser? I’ve never know any solicitor to advise that.

Patchworkpatty · 02/02/2019 14:43

StarbucksPoo.

Would you like some advice who has actuall been in your situation. Who doesn't happen to believe single parents should lock themselves away until their dc are 27 lest the very idea of their mother or father having a new relationship traumatise them for ever. ?

MN is at its very worst at times like this. You have only to mention that you have children and the harridans will start screeching at the top of their keyboards .. THINK OF THE CHILDREN 😱.. it's utterly bollocks and completely unrealistic.

The first few post ... 'end the relationship until he is divorced' ... ehhh yeah ok then. Obviously not by anyone who has tried dating recently. If you have found a good one you aren't going to be saying, 'sorry darling, I am fond of you, you are really great but I can't see you for 18 months' . What crap advice.

Love the way MN massive also screech about not introducing children for six months. Then when the OP says she HAS been in a relationship with him for six months the 'advice' turns to 'a year'.

As for the daughter. If she is being dripfed lies by a bitter ex, then the best thing you can do is meet her. ! Really easy to poison someone against another when that 'another' is unknown. Dispel the lies as quick as possible by being lovely and nothing like the person her mother is painting in her head.

Having read the miserable, sad, joyless messages on here I am wondering if the step-parent boards are being stalked by the first wives club ?

I'm a second wife with 8 children between us. He met mine six weeks in. I met his 13 Weeks in. His divorce occurred 3 yrs later. We married the following weekend . 15 yrs ago. 3 left Home now but prior to that my three of mine and 3 of his lived with us after judge awarded residence following years of child contact shenanigans. There is no one size fits all. Go with the flow and ENJOY your new relationship with ALL your children. Blended families can be absolutely fantastic.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:45

He has given his Ex the chance to discuss matters sensibly with a mediator and not say abusive things in front of their child. He didn’t press charges. If the reasonable method fails then...

I think that other professionals will take over and sort this mess out. And yes, he may end up with custody. That’s not for me to say.

I’m just wanting to know when / how to introduce his Daughter to us.

The answer seems to be this:

Get her counselling
Wait a while longer
Take queues from her
Take advice from professionals about the timing

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 02/02/2019 14:48

The thread is worth it for posts like the one from @Patchworkpatty .

Ignore the haters focus on the useful posts.

MoreCheeseDear · 02/02/2019 14:49

Don't give up on your relationship. There are some very unhappy, bitter women on this forum. Ignore them. Keep loving your DP and supporting his relationship with his DD.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:50

Yes... I’m glad there seem to be some who get this horrid situation that I’m in.

Thanks x

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 14:51

It’s not bitterness! I hate it when women put other women down to further their point. It’s awful, men do it enough we don’t need it from women as well!

People have lived through it, and whilst it works for some, it doesn’t for everyone. Hence advising pulling back. If op and her dp are as in love as they seem, what is a few more months in the grand scheme of things? Not everything has to be dramatic and right this second.

blanktelevision · 02/02/2019 14:54

Hey op.

If she's high conflict now, she will always be (from experience here) so some ignore some of the other frankly ridiculous posts.

What does the daughter want? I imagine she will have some envy that dad is spending time with other children, that's totally natural. I think your DP needs to make it clear to her that she is always welcome to be a part of that too whenever she is ready to do so. If she is, then he needs to explain to the mother (the child may not want to upset her mum) and that it's an inevitable part of moving on after separation and divorce.

The ex is just white noise. I would vastly ignore her angst unless she has anything constructive to add to it.

There are a lot of emotions all at play here, balance is the key, and a really good line of communication between father and daughter. All that's really important in this transition stage with the child is what she wants to do.

Giesabreak · 02/02/2019 14:57

this horrid situation that I’m in.

You've chosen to view it as a horrible situation for yourself because you're unable to progress the relationship at the speed you want.

As plenty of people have said, accept it for what is - a new relationship, for you and him. And it will not seem so horrible.

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