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Original poster

Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

256 replies

StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 11:37

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:43

Have you done the freedom project OP?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2019 13:43

Sorry, xpost. Is his 'DV worker' a qualified mental health practitioner, like a psychologist or certified counselor?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:46

Yes - I have done freedom project - 11 week course

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:46

OP I’m sorry but you do not have a strong bond with a man you’ve known 6 months! What you have is the honeymoon period where you both really fancy each other and want it all to be perfect so much that you can’t consider ever not being together. That’s not a strong bond, that’s attraction. 6 months is nothing. You’re being so naive.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:46

Yes is DV worker is a qualified counsellor an ex lawyer

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:47

Is there nothing in the freedom project about moving too fast in new realtionships?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:47

Yes I do have a strong bond
I love him

It’s that simple

You don’t really know anything about us

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:49

Yes there is - and also about checking people out and recognising the normal ‘good’ men through their behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:49

So depressing...

Mumsnet eh?

Dear me

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 13:50

Yes depressing is right. Let’s hope the enxt generation watch and learn.

Giesabreak · 02/02/2019 13:51

we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends.

Family time? After 6 months?

Dear me.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:52

You seem to be enjoying this... that’s what depressing

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 13:53

No what’s depressing is your absolute ability to think about anything other than yourself.

Have your kids expressed a want for this magical family time you keep banging on about? With a man they barely know?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:56

My children have said that they are relieved I’ve met a lovely boyfriend and they can see I’m happy. They are enjoying the trips out for the day we are having doing nice things together.

My children are happy.

OP posts:
Luglio · 02/02/2019 13:56

What should I do then?
Ditch him and live like a Nun?

OP, you're cock-struck with this man, we get it. But this whole situation is fucked up, surely you must see that?

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:58

They met him in November, after four months, then saw him sometimes at weekends.

They were perfectly ok with him spending Christmas with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:58

‘Cock-struck’

Excuse me?

Vile

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 13:59

Yes it’s a difficult situation.

I’m here trying to get help.

Not to be repeatedly told to ditch my DP.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 14:01

How did their father feel about that? You didn’t answer earlier.

TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 14:03

The help you’re after is the one you don’t want to hear because you’re convinced you’re doing the right thing.

Sadly many, many women have thought the same thing and it’s come crashing down around their ears. Hence the advice you’re getting. You don’t have a strong and stable relationship, you’re in the first throes of attraction and you’re playing happy families with someone you barely know. 6 months is nothing. And your rushing everything for what? Because I see no benefit to your kids, his dd or either of you.

It’s sad because you are totally going to ignore all this advice and it’s good advice. And when this inevitably ends messily (quick, rushing, passionate relationships with so much against them mostly do) you’ll look back and think “I should have listened”.

Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:04

He’s said nothing

I was in a DV relationship and his behaviour was appalling

In light of things that I’d rather not say here - this isn’t about HIM - he doesn’t get to dictate what happens with my relationships

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksPoo · 02/02/2019 14:05

The advice I find most of use is from those who have actually lived a similar situation.

Have you?

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 02/02/2019 14:08

Yep! His ex wife was utterly hideous. He was ‘a broken man’ I wanted to save.

He ended up nearly ruining my life. It’s easy to portray a persona for a while, but then the cracks start to show. Thankfully I didn’t introduce him to dd. But yes I've lived through it and it’s awful watching someone else kid them self that their situation is going to be any different.

Ophiophagus · 02/02/2019 14:10

I ^was^ his daughter, dearie.

But you didnt want to listen to anything i had to say.

Shame on you for all the things ive read.

Bit like a car crash, impossible to look away.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 14:10

So your ex doesn’t care who his children are sharing their home with and you were hoping to have the same level of zero resistance from new boyfs ex and are pissed that she does actually care.