My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Yeah, l missed that sorry😳. That was wrong.

But adult dc are always coming home. Stepkids are for life. And absolutely he should do chores.

Hello Cris.

It is likely that your DP is possibly blind to the fact that his son is a grown man. (Even when our kids grow up physically, we often still see them as "kids".)

Perhaps if you were to explain to him that yes, he's his child, but to you he's a grown man and that's pretty uncomfortable for you. You signed up to live with one man - your DP - not with 2. And he didn't even discuss it with you so now he's put you in a really difficult position.

How can you feel comfortable walking around your own home in a pretty little lacy number, or relaxing in towels after a bath while you watch tv? Or having a romantic evening together? I guess it's hard to explain to a man, how vulnerable and exposed that can make us feel.

He's not your son. To you he's another grown man in the house. I totally get where you're coming from. Hope you can start a conversation about it without him flying off the handle.

Or just get pizza, have movie night, and put on "Failure To Launch".

I have also been always educated in such a way in which I take other people’s feelings and needs into consideration!
If I were to move in with my dad and his gf I would definitely not feel like a guest and at least have the decency to contribute to the house by cleaning my own bathroom (he has his own bathroom next to his room downstairs) and I would volunteer to pay or cook a meal at least once! Just for my father’s gf sake!

Also i would clean my own room and maybe ask her if he needs any help once in a while. Or even what she thinks about me being there. At 20 yo I had the necesary brain and decency to think about this! Especially if I had a paycheck and could afford buying my own car.. but never bother paying for a meal. Ther were many instances when we went out eating and I went with him to pick his burger and he automatically presumed I would pay for it.. this situations and so much entitlement are pissing me totally off

Yes. @Sicario, god forbid that a relatively young adult should continue to stay with his dad as it might prevent dad's girlfriend from wandering around in a 'pretty, lacey number'.

Fuck me.

ralphfromlordoftheflies

Yes and God forbid that a 20yo adult would pay for food once or clean the toilet in which only he pees or contribute to at least making his bed or washing his plate!
He should totally let his 30yo father’s gf wash his dirty underwear and clean his pee from the toilet! Cause the 300 000 euro house she bought with her father is a hotel!

"I’m sorry but this is not what I signed up for" you were wrong to think that. You married a man with children. With the high housing prices just now it's entirely understandable that adult children are living with parents for longer this isn't news. How old were you when you left your parents home?

"I have not moved in to their house.. he has moved into mine!" No! He's moved into his fathers and putative stepmothers home.

That said you aren't his maid either, a 20 yr old is plenty old enough to clean up his own mess! And I do agree he should have discussed it with you (though not necessarily with a view to your being able to say a blanket no! But you could have discussed ground rules on chores, keep etc)

"I am living in a country where children move out of home when they are 18 or less" where would that be? I can think of any countries where this is the case.

"We talked about kids and he did not deny tge possibility." That's nowhere NEAR the same as actively wanting babies in your 50's!! Your fertility is also now in sharp decline so you need to address this. Doesn't sound like a "good relationship" at all - it sounds like you're BOTH burying your heads in the sand and pretending it's a good relationship

The REAL test of a relationship isn't how it is when things are going well, but if you pull together when there's difficulties.

"but the fact that he has had them for the past 20 years, does not automatically commit me to having then going forward!" As you CHOSE to be in a committed relationship with him yes that IS what it means actually.

As op have pointed out there's any number of reasons why his children might need to live with you. What if their mother were to become ill or even die?

There seems to be a strong cultural difference here too. In the uk this is normal (largely due to high living costs but also because many children go to university until they're at least 21 and aren't necessarily earning enough to live on when they first graduate). I also know other countries where adult children stay in their parents home until marriage still, partly cultural, but then again also partly economic reasons.

@CrisS23 well tell him that he needs to clean up after himself then! Stop making his bed, stop cleaning his toilet and tell him to pay keep! Problem resolved!

Ralphfromlordoftheflies, that remark was not fair.
All the op wants is a little consideration and respect, she didn't sign up for another adult moving into the house owned by her and his father. Equally.

Staying sometimes would be quite different.

OP, please do not consider having a child of your own just yet. You're not happy with the situation and it needs to be resolved. Your husband is naturally loyal to his son but he owes you equal loyalty, atm he is virtually dismissing your concerns.

You really must stop doing all the chores (or employ someone else to do them), and make time for yourself, insisting on privacy. The young man is being selfish, not unusual at his age but there's no excuse for your partner taking you for granted.

Just stop cleaning up after both of the fuckers. They are both adult ffs. Why are you doing everything. Pair of mysoginists.
I bet his mum cleans his pants too.

Tell him into clean up after himself or fuck off.

If it was me I'd be selling the house, taking my half and never look back.
The man lied and plotted and used you to buy a house for his son to live in.

You think this man will have a child in his mid to late 50's when you are ready? He must be one amazing shag for you to stick around.

Graphista

I moved out when I was 20 yo! And I actually moved to another country, where I am living now actually! So it is not my home country.
The country I am talking about is Denmark, where children get 700€ a month just for going to school! And apart from this he has an intern job which brings him probably another 1000€.
As a student I lived with 500€/month (including rent). And he with at least 1700€ can’t be bothered to pay for a meal? He recently bought his own car ffs with cash!

And yes I did not sign up for this simply because that was never ok the plate! If he had came to me with this earlier of before we got the house, I obviously wouldn’t have said no, but I would have taken it gradually and in steps and made rules and boundaries! This took me totally by surprise and the response I got for asking about it was not normal!

Op - I think it was slightly naive of you not to specifically discuss this before you bought a house together. However I'm most concerned about his response to you.

He clearly doesn't respect you as he didn't discuss it or consider your feelings (knowing it was likely). He doesn't consider the impact this is having on you in terms of clearly up after/feeding them both.

Under these circumstances I'd cut my losses and move out (getting your money back obviously). You could attempt to carry on the relationship living separately (I wouldn't though) if you think it's his son causing the problems, but the reality is that it's his attitude towards you that's most telling.

Sorry @CrisS23 - I've been in your position and it was the final nail in my relationship.

In my case it was actually 100% my house but he seemed to think his adult child could also just move in without a word to me; and contrary to all the things we'd deliberately spoken about in terms of our life together.

Emergencies and short term are different to this.

At least in my case he had the grace to admit he'd secretly hoped I'd just "come round" to the loving stepmother role. Neither I or the adult child wanted this, btw!

While I agree your DP should have discussed this with you beforehand I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect a someone with children (even grown up ones) to not still play an active part in their lives. 20 somethings often come and go - and many are on that in between stage of student and not yet fully grown self sufficient adult. Not everyone is able to fend for themselves the minute they reach 18 - give him time.

His dad is just looking after him and I would be more concerned if I was with a man who didn't want help his son out - especially if I was planning on having my own children with this man.

No need for you clean up after him - it is perfectly ok for you to tell him to clean his own mess up.

I think uou and your partner need to communicate more. And the three of you should have an adult conversation and discuss house rules and boundaries.

Please don't let this get to you - you need to talk openly with both of them. If you keep all this resentment to yourself you will end up hating both of them. Talk to them!!!!

He should totally let his 30yo father’s gf wash his dirty underwear and clean his pee from the toilet!

SO
STOP
DOING
IT

Leave the bathroom and tell DH he needs to it. Throw any of DSs stuff into his room. Keep doing so.

Why are you doing most of the housework? Why are t you and DH equal in your house with regards to the stuff you can control??

I went with him to pick his burger and he automatically presumed I would pay for it
Because he couldn't imagine any other reason you'd follow him to pick a burger?? But also you just don't get your purse out. When he says "Oi, Cris, pay for my food" you say "No chance, you're old enough to buy your own / I think the person you're looking for is your Dad" etc

You keep going in about how you're 30 and so independent and moved abroad at 18 etc so do something about it

I think you’re being egocentric and you’re partner deserves someone who better understands his responsibility as a parent. That doesn’t stop magically at 18. His father’s home should also, of course, be his home. You knew you were taking on a father so it’s hardly a surprise.
When you decide on children will you be throwing them out to fend for themselves at 18?

Two different issues

1. Why you choose to be an unpaid cook and cleaner for two able bodied adults, yet also bitch about it. No clue on that one. Why do you do it?

2 house/adult children. Honestly this is why I wouldn't live with anyone again. I wouldn't ever want to tell my adult kids they can't stay because my partner isn't okay with it. Really should have discussed it earlier. Now? Leave?

Feels like a massive drip feed here OP. All your initial posts were about wanting your privacy and not feeling comfortable with an extra adult in the house and now you are suddenly focusing on the son's behaviour and attitude.

Of course you shouldn't be cleaning up after him! You need to have an adult discussion with father and son about ground rules while he is living in your house.

I stand by my previous opinions on this thread though

Regarding the 'feeling awkward' with him being so close to your age, it's hardly the son's fault that His Dad has shacked up with a woman nearer his son's age than his own!

@CherryPavlova

He is not being thrown out to fend by himself! He has been living with his mother all along and still does in the weekends, it is 5 days a week he is here in which he is treated like a guest and not a roomie!
He has enough money to even live on his own and his father is even paying his ex wife now for house costs.
So he would not be on the streets, he would be back in his old room where he lived for the past 20 years!

@shaggedthruahedgebackwards

Because not being taken into consideration when moving him in and not even being asked how I’d feel about it, made me not stand even the slightest off behaviour!

I still don’t think it is my responsibility to pay for someone else’s kids and clean after them. Especially since my feelings and emotions were not taken into consideration in the 1st place! I did my best to be ok with his kids and be apart of everything.. but simply ignoring me and feeling you’re entitled to do whatever you please in the house which is also mine.. has crossed the line!

Stop paying - thats on you
Stop cleaning - thats on you

I agree with you in a way about the house, but what solution is there? How hard would it be to separate/sell your share to him or v v?

he would be back in his old room where he lived for the past 20 years!

So his father shouldn’t have his son in his home because you are present but his ex wife should have their son full time because that’s how it’s always been? Perhaps his ex would like time to pursue a relationship and enjoy life? Perhaps father and son enjoy living together given they haven’t lived together for most of his childhood? Why are your needs more important than theirs?

I can understand your frustration as this wasn’t discussed and agreed prior to living together but your being angry at the son is all wrong.

Mean attitude, I’m afraid. It’s his father’s home therefore it is his home.
Of course he should clear up after himself. We treat our children (up to 26) as guests when they are home because it’s nice they want to come home still. I don’t mean waiting on them but consideration of their needs and preferences. BEing nice and welcoming feels good.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

I am not angry at the son, I am angry at the whole situation and that my feelings and my needs were simply ignored.
He was divorced for less thanyear when we met. He has lived together with his son for the past 18 years. It was not new to this thing.
And for the record, I wouldn’t have said no, but would have established boundaries and rules! And probably taken it slowly since it was a big step for me! These considerations were totally neglected and not seen from my side as well and everything was assumed as normal even if my name and my money are on the house papers!