My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

It being his plan doesn't necessarily mean he deliberately deceived, maybe he just had it in his head that it would be handy for his son to stay and didn't think more on it because he assumed OP knew he was a parent and his kids are part of the deal. Of course he could have been secretly plotting the crime of inviting his kid to stay over a few nights a week to help him out.

It sounds like a mismatch of expectations to me. OP thought she was moving into a cosy home for two, he thought it'd be a place where he could offer his kids a roof if needed.

We talked about kids and he did not deny tge possibility.
It is also me who for now denies it since I don’t have any kind of motherhood feelings yet, so from my point of view not having kids would not be a big deal.
And I would have no problem caring for his and accepting them, which I did in a very mature and resonable way.. but this has simply been shoved down my throat without being asked if I like it.

And in the meantime, draw up a rota - cooking, cleaning, food shop, etc. Everyone pulls their weight.

You’re welcome CrisS23, I just don’t want to see another woman bullied and manipulated by her partner/husband and coming back when they’ve had kids, realis8ng too late tha5 they’ve missed the warnings. You’re only together two years. This should be the good times, not the times when your partner (though the word partner means you should be on an equal footing) ‘tells’ you what is happening and throws a temper tantrum because you disagree.

Being a parent is a permanent situation, even if your DC currently live with their other parent you'd aren't magically excused from the responsibility of parenthood

If he was previously very uninvolved or estranged from his DC then I could better understand you being shocked at the situation you find yourself in but welcoming his son into your shared house (if it's more convenient for him than basing himself at his Mum's) seems likely a fairly normal thing for a decent Dad to do

If you aren't willing to put up with it then it sounds like you need to find a new partner who does not have children

If you aren't willing to put up with it then it sounds like you need to find a new partner who does not have children

Or perhaps the OP would just like to be involved in discussions around what is a massive change in circumstances in her own home without being met with aggression?

If you aren't willing to put up with it then it sounds like you need to find a new partner who does not have children

Or one that recognises that it’s not acceptable to bully a partner into letting his ADULT son move into their home.

If he wont move out and he is earning, then ask for money towards the food bill and tell him to cook a couple of evenings. As for the sex, I'd be telling your partner to have a cold shower for himself! No way I'd have sex knowing his son can hear ye in the room below. Or alternatively have a scream fest during sex for a few nights and the son might run a mile.

Agree with PERF. You don't have to accept this. It's not a good relationship, he does whatever he wants and you do whatever he wants as well, and when you don't you get an aggressive reaction. No, that's not ok. Sell the house and get out of there.

I know what parenthood means and of course I expected his children to be here.
But not 100% of the time, especially since his son is an adult.
The thing which almost everyone misses to understand is that the decission was taken without my consent, with bo regards to my feelings or privacy..
If the kid was younger I would get it. But being surrounded by another adult I barely know in my own house is not a conforting feeling. I feel I have no privacy at all.

Being a parent is a permanent situation, even if your DC currently live with their other parent you'd aren't magically excused from the responsibility of parenthood

Completely agree. There is always a chance that the non resident parent could end up needing to offer their kids a home. The 18 year old daughter in the OP could fall out with her mum tomorrow and turn up at her Dad's with a suitcase. These possibilities should always factor into any decisions made IMO.

The thing which almost everyone misses to understand is that the decission was taken without my consent

Not failing to understand, completely hear you and I’d be equally upset in your position.

And I would have no problem caring for his and accepting them, which I did in a very mature and resonable way..

Congratulations. Do you want a medal?

but this has simply been shoved down my throat without being asked if I like it.
When a partner has children, living with them is ALWAYS in the cards. If you wouldn't want it, then you shouldn't have got involved with someone with children or should have made it clear to him that living together was upon condition of only having his kids occasionally.

Lweji

I knew what I was getting into and you should probably take a break and view other people’s opinion as well.
His children are adults! And there was no kind of discussion as to what my expectations were from his side!
If I were him, I would take my spouse’s hand, sit down and explain my plans and my ideas before commiting to buying a common good!
I accept his kids, have them arround, buy them gifts and am part of their life, but the fact that he has had them for the past 20 years, does not automatically commit me to having then going forward! In a normal universe these things are discussed!

I'm not denying that it makes you feel uncomfortable and isn't what you want but from your partner's perspective I can see why he doesn't want to say to his son "sorry son but you're only welcome here 2 nights a week so you need to move back in with your Mum because CrisS23 doesn't like having your around"

I'm not saying you are wrong to feel how you do but your partner obviously isn't prepared to ask his son to move out (and I think that's understandle behaviour for any parent of a child who is still in education and therefore is still relient on parental support in some form) so ending your relationship may be the best solution for you

Well I guess you are from a country where kids leave home young and thats it - I get it. However, in the UK and Ireland this does not happen (cost of rent etc) and we expect them to be to and fro for their 20's. Did you not discuss this with your partner? You seem to have very rigid views on this. I understand, I could never take on someone else's kids but I would never date someone who had kids - and if I split I won't live with someone else because of these kinds of situations.

So your options are

1. Tell your partner his son has to go - he will resent you
2. Find a way to live with his son
3. Leave him

Also, a 49 year old man who leads you to believe he might have kids with you some day is doing you no favours. He will be too old by the time you are ready. But maybe you can live with that and enjoy being a grandma instead.

Boo hoo hoo.

Its his son, whether he is 20 or 120.

This is what it means when you take on someone with kids.

Yes, you should have been asked first, i dont doubt that. Had you said no, it would have been the end of your relationship. When you say no now, expect the outcome to be the same.

My son is 20. I would never put some bloke above him and be told he had to leave. I would laugh in your face, to be honest.

Annasgirl

I don’t have rigid views on this, since I accepted his child into my house without asking any questions. I even cooked for him and cleaned after him without any kind of bad feelings.

In my view, when someone moves into your house, there needs to be a discussion about it prior to this. At least take it slow, ask your partner how they feel and move step by step into accepting it. The situation was not like this for me and it took me by surprise, with no agreement, no deadline and no “are you ok with this?” question asked!

By now I can tell you it has gotten on my nerves to the point in which I don’t feel ok coming out of the bedroom!

.

MrsBrianWarner

I wouldn’t have said no! I would have taken it gradually and in steps so I can get used to it first! He is not my child and someone can’t just shove this down your throat!
Especially since it is not only his house!

I think you're getting quite a lot of unfair responses on here op - and I would feel the same as you do. It's totally unreasonable for your dp to move another adult into your home without even consulting you. Yes it's his son, it's understandable that he wants him there, BUT this should have been something he brought up with you before buying the house if he wanted to do it. It's not like his kids are children, under his care, they are grown ups. Of course they will be in his life and you sign up for that when choosing to date him, but they way he's gone about this is just not right. And responding to you with aggression rings big alarm bells. I really can't believe all the YABU responses you're getting here

Your partner is a bit of a cheeky fucker isn't he, just assuming that'd be okay and not discussing it with you.

You're closer to his kid's age than to his age, I wonder if that makes a difference in his eyes. Like is he seeing you basically as another kid who doesn't really get a say in things?

Yep - unacceptable! He should have discussed it with you first. Does he make other unilateral decisions?

misskatamari

Thanks for understanding. That is also exactly my point. He even mentioned that it will be easy for his kids to accept someone else since they are grown up and can take care of their own.
By this I assumed that this is a general thing.
And the fact that there was no consulting me at all before taking such a big decission as moving your kid in the house you share with someone else, has made me resent the situation even more. Especially since I have felt trapped even talking about it with him, fearing the reaction he would have, knowing that his kids will be a priority.
I do understand he wants to care for them.. but his son is an adult, he has a paycheck.. and his father’s gf washes his clothes, makes his food and cleanes his dishes. I find that totally wrong. And I would feel better about it if he at least volunteered to do it at least once or buy food!

Even adult children do go back ‘home’ or stay with parents for extended periods of time.

I know a couple whose son has moved back home and has been there three years. He is 53.