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Original poster

My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

372 replies

CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:07

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 22/01/2019 13:10

Do not clean up after him. Either he does or his Dad. Having said that you are now part of an extended family so need to be gracious about it.

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:13

I’m sorry but this is not what I signed up for. When we bought the house there was absolutely no discussion that his children would move in. He hasn’t even had the decency to ask me how I feel about his son coming here.
I have not moved in to their house.. he has moved into mine!

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 22/01/2019 13:14

Time to get out.
He had a hidden agenda all along.

Fairylea · 22/01/2019 13:18

You need to sit your dh down and say you him that you didn’t move in together so you could live with his son as well. Be blunt about it. His son is an adult and needs to live elsewhere. Your Dhs reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

PositivelyPERF · 22/01/2019 13:18

Please please tell me your name is on the house and you can show you paid for half!

You’ve been played by your bf and now he’s got you where he wants you, it will get worse.

Drum2018 · 22/01/2019 13:20

You need to be firm and say that there was never a plan to have anyone live with you both and that bf cannot just announce that his son is going to be living with you now. Don't attempt to clean up after him. He's old enough to do that himself and if he doesn't bother then leave your partner to do it, even if it means leaving a mess for a few days, until they both get the message that you are nobody's bloody slave.

Bluestitch · 22/01/2019 13:21

He should have discussed it with you first and you shouldn't be having to clean up after him.

That said, having him there isn't what you signed up for. Did your partner sign up to move in somewhere that his children wouldn't be able to stay part of the week, or even live if necessary? Lots of young adults need to stay with parents longer these days, I don't see why it's fine for his mum to have him still at home but not his dad. It sounds like your partner assumes his home is his children's home too (perfectly normal view for a parent) but you view it differently. Best to discuss your expectations as this is a big issue between you.

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:22

I have the name on the house. It is not only his. I signed the contract as well.
The problem is that we don’t have a shit relationship and it is actually a pretty good one.
This is the only thing that really buggs me and the fact that he didn’t even consider to ask me. And to be honest I don’t think he did it out of bad intentions, he just thought it wouldn’t be a big deal..
I was as explicit as I could be that i don’t even feel confortable making love to him with his son in the room downstairs.. but as far as I can see.. the situation has not changed!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/01/2019 13:22

Lots of adult kids will be back and forth at parents houses .

Is he likely to be there the next one two 5 or 10 years?

In any case you don't need to be the skivvy ask them to pay a cleaner.

Are you planning to have children with your partner?
How big is the house?

frazzledasarock · 22/01/2019 13:23

please say you’re on the deeds of the house, get legal advice. I’d be looking into getting my money back and leaving.

PositivelyPERF · 22/01/2019 13:26

we don’t have a shit relationship and it is actually a pretty good one

So long as you’re willing to do as you’re told and overlook the fact that your bf kept the fact tha5 he planned on moving his son into a house you were buying half of. To me, that’s a lie by omission. You’ve already said When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction..... and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one Do as you’re told and you can kid yourself that all’s well in the relationship.

PositivelyPERF · 22/01/2019 13:27

*his son into a house you were buying half of, ‘a secret’

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:27

I have no problem with the kids being back and forth. The problem is he is only staying here and that the discussion was not taken with me as well when the decissions were made. He was staying with his mom because his mom still lives in the same house they have been living in for the past 20 years and it made sense he stayed in thw house he was born in.
I don’t plan on having children yet and the house is around 200 m2.
The problem is not the cleaning, but my privacy and the fact that his son is an adult and not a child anymore. I would have had no problem if he was 10.

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/01/2019 13:28

I don't see why it's fine for his mum to have him still at home but not his dad.

This.

You did sign up to having his children living with him. You just didn't realise it.
TBH, I'd be the one dumping you if my child couldn't live with me whenever they wanted to.
Even if officially adults, but still studying.

zippey · 22/01/2019 13:30

He obviously cares for his sons well being over yours, which is maybe how it should be. But that doesn’t mean you need to put up with it.

You say you have a good relationship yet he gets aggressive when you bring up topics important to you. That’s not how it should be.

If you have a good relationship then you should be able to have rational discussions rather than have extreme accusations (you don’t like my son!) flying about which are designed to intimidate and shut down the conversation.

You need to get an end date to this. It’s not good for your mental health.

I’d also reconsider wether this will be a healthy relationship in the longer term.

Bluestitch · 22/01/2019 13:31

It sounds like neither of you would have purchased a house together had you known the other's view. I know I certainly wouldn't move in with a partner who would object to my children staying if necessary. Maybe best to sell up and move on?

Mrbay · 22/01/2019 13:31

In my experience men are not great communicators, but looking at it from the child's POV - I would be livid if my dad wouldn't allow me to live with him in the same situation.
If you get in a relationship with anyone who has children (regardless of age) you have to accept that they will always be a parent regardless of the child's age.

You need to sit down with DH and explain your side but please do be aware that he may feel strongly about offering his son a place to live during the week.

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:32

His son has a salary. He is a student but he could afford buying his own car.
Moving a child in the house you bought with someone else needs to be a mutual decission.
I am living in a country where children move out of home when they are 18 or less. I don’t feel I need to care for a 20 yo adult who can for sure afford to live on his own any day of the week but simply chooses not to, because it is much cosier and easier to have someone buy food for you and clean up after you!

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 22/01/2019 13:33

Did anyone actually read the bit where the OP explained that the bf admitted tha5 he had planned all along to move his son in? If he thought it wasn’t an issue, why keep that from his gf before she paid for half of a house she has no say in.

Did posters also miss the fact that when she’s tried to discuss it he has basically told her she has no say in the matter? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

madmum5811 · 22/01/2019 13:33

Cris making love with your own children in the house aint easy. Grin

Lweji · 22/01/2019 13:34

Discuss the living arrangements, but not whether he can or cannot stay.
Put yourself in your partner's position.

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2019 13:34

That’s a shit situation! This is not what you signed up for and at the very least should have been discussed rather than presented as a fait accompli.

Why are you cleaning up after him? He needs to do it himself or his dad needs to sort it.

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:35

PositivelyPERF
Thank you!

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 22/01/2019 13:37

I’m with you OP - this would be a dealbreaker for me. Fair enough if he had said up front, but clearly he didn’t, and as his children are adults why would you expect it to happen? Tbh I would be saying to him his son needs to move out or it’s over.

JennyHolzersGhost · 22/01/2019 13:37

Well, look. As with so many threads on here, the problem is not the situation per se, it’s poor communication within the relationship.

He made a unilateral decision and didn’t run it past you. Now he’s making you feel bad about raising the issue by having a go at you and getting aggressive. This is not constructive healthy communication.

If you think there is a chance of saving things then I would suggest you seek relationship counselling to try and find a neutral space where you can learn to communicate with each other better.

But I suspect that he will be resistant to that, in which case the best thing for you to do is move out I’m afraid.

Also - you say you don’t want kids yet. Have you considered his age ? Does he want kids in the future, in his 50s ? Have you had an honest and open conversation about that ?