My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Just happened on this.As an older woman, I would say ..Get out of this now.
You are only 30, good job,intelligent and logical.Get your money out of this,buy your own place and live in peace.You could even invite him over if you want.
But I wouldn't.You don't have too much time invested on this relationship.And he will only get older.As will the son.
Trying not to be ageist , but a man closer to your own age will be at the same stage of life.Hopefully not too much baggage and maybe will also want kids IN THE FUTURE.
And if he says " What do I tell my son"?
Say " Tell him I didn't fancy being housemates with two messy blokes"
And take up the Brummie offer - it sounds like a laugh! If I was 20 years younger .....

How large is your houses? With the son and daughter staying, do you still have room for other guests to stay?

Maybe you need to re-assert your territorial rights to spare rooms. Invite guests over for weekends when son is not there. Tell son that the spare room needs to be clean and in good shape for other guests.

It sounds as if your partner is looking on the room as a permanent room for his son if he is putting furniture in it specifically for him.

My adult son would always have a room in my home available for him. But he knows that it is my only spare bedroom and many other people use it. He never treats it like a dumping ground for his rubbish or leaves it dirty. He knows that I have other friends and relatives who have to use it.

It is quite possible for this son to be welcome at your home without him feeling that he has exclusive use of his room/bathroom and can leave it in any old state.

But that needs to be made clear by you using it for other things.

The other is that he should have consulted you before his son moved in. This is where some pps (including me) are saying you're at least a bit unreasonable. It's an issue of expectations and communication. Ywbu by never having considered the possibility of him moving in.

As the same person as the OP in my own situation, I have to point out that, no, we (partners of people with adult children) shouldn't/don't consider those possibilities, because we wouldn't expect the same "automatic" reaction the other way.

When my ex moved in, his adult child had been living in the same place for years, with no mention of ever moving away (long distance from us). Their relationship had been based on him travelling there and a lot of phone/facetime contact.

Years of this later, he suddenly announced that he wanted adult child to move into our very small house on an ad-hoc, at their pleasure, free of charge basis. No discussion, no "I have been thinking this...", no "how could this work...". just him saying "I want this so it will happen".

No consideration given to the fact my study (used daily) would turn into a permanent spare room; no consideration given to the fact he worked away a lot and I'd be left hosting a near-stranger who didn't drive, have any local friends, know the area etc. No consideration of the extra pressures on us by suddenly having a third person there all the time.

And yet, my ex found this completely unreasonable of ME!

(In comparison, if I was thinking of inviting people to visit, I would check with ex regarding any existing plans and arrange accordingly. I wouldn't dream of just arranging a visit from my brother without telling ex, it's just rude).

@woollyheart

We have a 3 room + living room house. One is our bedroom, one is a very small office and then there is the room his son is staying in, which in my mind was the guest room.

So if I invite someone over it would be in that room that they would be staying.. or to squeeze an inflatable matress in the office, which I would never do!

So yes, they bought furniture especially for his room.. that is when the bell started ringing in my head and the first question was asked if his soon will actually move in with us (or already has as it seems) and tbh he first denied it and said “no, it’s a few days a week” (5-6 to be precise every week) and that is also the time when the “you don’t like my kids thing came along”.
It took him another 2-3 months since that discussion when i asked again to tell me he wanted this all along.

The furniture is already bought without my knowledge and things were settled a while ago. So yea.. that ship has sailed.

@CallMeSirShotsFired

I couldn’t have said it better! I am and was exactly in the same situation 100%.

That is also why I asked if this is normal and if I should try and change anything or not.

I guess then that the guest room wasn't much in use before? If you had guests frequently your partner probably wouldn't have assumed this.

I would either give this up, move out and buy yourself a nice place of your own, or start inviting loads of friends to stay every weekend.

@woollyheart

We had just bought the house when his son moved in, I didn’t even get a chance to use it for guests. My parents visited us in Sept for 2 weeks (since they came from another country) and I am super amazed that his kid went home then. But then again.. I have announced their visit even before the house contract was signed.

The inviting friends over every weekend idea, is actually good!

Well, there's a whole bunch of us here now furiously looking up the price of flights to Denmark

You could keep that room fully occupied for months on end!

So he actually LIED to you about how often his son was coming to stay while he was buying furniture for him? That's even worse! He's treating you like an idiot.

Set up a cleaning roster.
Stop cooking and shopping for anyone but yourself.
Tell them you're leaving and why. (Stop trying to protect the son's feelings. It's got nothing to do with him. It's his father's behaviour right from the beginning that has caused this. I can see why the son is a hopeless slob, but the responsibility lies entirely with his father.)
Establish whether the house is going to go on the market or whether he is going to buy you out and work out contractually what works for you.
Move out ASAP!

OR
Move your mother in.

I'm going to visit from Australia, btw - I hate the summer here. I could bring my three kids. They'd love it.

(Oh, and even though they are 12 year old twins and a 14 year old, they clean their own damn toilets.)

I guess then that the guest room wasn't much in use before? If you had guests frequently your partner probably wouldn't have assumed this.

hehe, if your partner has a vehicle he doesn't use much, why not put it up for sale - "I just assumed you didn't need it as you weren't using it"

Has he got a favourite tux or smart suit? Donate it - "I assumed you didn't want it as you never wear it"

Nice set of golf clubs, expensive bike, fancy running gear? Ebay! "well, you never use it..."

This has been a really interesting thread to watch.

I met my OH when both our DC were in their late mid/teens - my now DH knew my DC lived with me and that wasn't going to change in the near future.

My DSC-to be lived with their mum and perhaps naively, I thought that was how it would stay.

Anyway one of my DSC said he wanted to move in with us. That was fine. Nice kid, I had no immediate worries.

But it all went wrong.

Due to our work circumstances we weren't always at home and my 16 year old DSS then just lazed around the house and refused to go to college and there was a total lack of respect for anyone in the house.

What were we meant to do? We couldn't just quit our jobs to make sure one of us was here to make sure he went to college - and even if he did go there was no guarantee he would actually go to lectures/stay on campus all day.

This went on for months.

The whole situation almost destroyed the whole family - massive rows between me and my DH, between my DH and his DS and in the end, DSC moved back with his mum.

I know that if he could, DSS would move back here in an instant - as he gets away with a lot more here, and I'm ashamed to say I really don't want that to happen.

And to be honest - if it did, my relationship with DH would probably break-down, he would have to move out and probably get a bedsit or something and so DSS would end up back at his DM house anyway...

I think what I am trying to say in communication and respect are key and if they don't exist, then you are doomed from the start.

You also should stop treating son as a guest., but more as normal family.

If he is staying give him clean bed linen and tell him to make his own bed. Tell him to strip the bed and clean room and bathroom before he goes, so it is ready for other guests.

He is staying more with you because he is more comfortable and is allowed to be lazier than at his mother's home.

@Ferfeckssake

As much as ai hate to admit it, you are most likely 100% right.
As a problem solver that I am, I will most likely try to save things and make rules.
If things don’t work out.. then I will leave. I have already settled with this in my mind to some extent...

@justilou1

Yup, he did. He didn’t admit it until I really insisted and pushed hard. Then he came with “this was my plan all along”. Well, thank you!

@CallMeSirShotsFired and @justilou1 ahahahaha you are more than welcome! We can squeeze in somehow.. otherwise I am sure his son will be happy to share his room 😂😂

@woollyheart

Yup. I am composing a list of conditions and rules I want respected in the house while he is here.
The tone of how I put them will be decided tomorrow, if nobody will clean the downstairs bathroom. (Which they probably won’t).
Then when his son is gone, i will sit his father down and discuss what my conditions are for this. And if they are not respected, I will move out.

Some of those conditions are:

• on friday son cleans roon
• on friday son cleans bathroom
• son washed own clothes/plates
• son cooks meal one a week/buys it
• son gives us privacy at least one evening during the week (he can come at night back if he insists being here in the morning)
• father cleans his stuff alone from around the house and puts things back from where he took them. Same goes for son
• father tells son these rules! And educates him on what it means to be responsible.

If any of you have suggestions on what I should add, please let me know

Putting the issue of his son aside, he doesn't sound like a great guy who respects you at all. He's happy to watch you cook and clean after him and doesn't care. He got aggressive when you tried to speak to him about your issues. I would bin him over that alone.
And I'm sorry but I think one of the reasons a 49 year old man goes for a 30 year old woman is it puts him in a position of authority in his mind, which you have seen for yourself.

I think you'll be moving out, tbh. What will your response be if your husband hears your conditions and says "no, these are not reasonable and I don't agree?" Are you willing to negotiate or will proceed immediately to leaving?

I can see both perspectives to some extent (my sympathy for your husband is minimal though). What would be the biggest problem for me is that your husband planned things to be like this but did not tell you. And that is not something that can be fixed with a chores rota :(

@ericthedog

Actually before his son moved in everything was super ok. We cooked and cleaned together, we had romantic evenings with wine and cake. He make sure I had anything I needed, would respect me and be a man.
He took the heavy work around the house, he is not lazy. He is always building something, changing lights, fixing things, thinking what needs to be bought and done around here.
I can’t lie in saying he doesn’t do them now too. His responsibilities fully.. the cooking and cleaning.. so so. But still to an acceptable state. After I insisted on him contributing more, he came asking if I needed help or said “thank you for doing that”. I ignored the leaving things around the house sometimes.. closing the bathroom light.. and other small stuff cause the bigger needs were met.

It all went to s**t when the son moved here. The kid doesn’t do anything and his father indulges him into that. And now every time his father doesn’t clean or pick up his things or contribute to something also pisses me more off than before, cause now it is not only his cola can i have to take from the living room table, it’s his son’s too.

That is what is annoying.. that the situation got to such a limit that every small thing pisses me off.

He is not a bad guy in general and has always been there and been supportive of me in anything I have ever done. He just massively blew it with this one..

@icannotremember

Unfortunately that is the biggest problem for me as well. And I am having a hard time getting over it, that is why I am super confused as to what the heck I should do.

Should I get over this mistake, try and save it and believe that our relationship will be as good as it was before?
Or not get over it and leave?

It’s not an easy pick..

And to be honest I think it is also a matter of immitating his dad.
If my bf leaves his glass on the table, or his cola can or his plate once or doesn’t do the laundry.. or doesn’t change the sheets and all of that and I do it, the son presumes I do it for everyone! Well.. it’s not the same washing the toiler after his dad pee’s in it and washing it after he also does.

And so of course if the father fails to do things the right way one time, his son already took it as being normal. His dad walked in with shoes in the kitchen cause he was carrying a heavy load, he continued having shoes on in the house ever since..

It’s not like his father is conciously setting a bad precendent.. but by neglecting some of the things around the house, he indirectly is.
I don’t mind doing it for his dad.. but I masively mind doing it for him!

That’s the difference here actually.. cause while his father is fixing my car, mowing the lawn, cleaning the garden.. I can cook and clean and wash clothes.
But his son does 0! So deserves 0!

Cris, as this thread goes on, you are starting to unpick some very specific reasons why this is so aggravating, beyond the general headline unfairness of it all.

This is good - it gives you specifics to go to your partner with, that he can't just bat away. (Well, he can, of course, but he's then consciously ignoring tangible examples, not just trying to act like you are being a meanie)

@CallMeSirShotsFired

Well normally I debate and try to understand what is the root cause of things. And the talks here somehow help me settle some lines in my mind of what is wrong.

I have more or less set up a plan into how to approach this.. be as calm and as reasonable as I can and try to explain the situation the best way, without blaming the kid for anything, but drawing the attention to the father only. (With referalls of course)

So this has been incredibly helpful for me to draw boundries, understand my needs and see that I am not alone. I really want to thank everyone for that, even the ones not agreeing :)

Justilou1 Has saved me from posting - what she says is exactly what I would. YANBU. I really don't like the way this situation has been manipulated - he planned this before you even bought the house - devious git.

I do think ultimately it will end with you leaving - that kind of behaviour is a red flag and screams that your partner will do what he wants when he wants with no respect for your thoughts and feelings.