My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

When it was just the two of you, it sounds like things were done more equally and you had fun doing things together.

Now that's son has moved in, maybe partner has reverted to 'man of the house' behaviour. As you say this is not acceptable from him, regardless of what his son expects. But with son picking up all his cues and expecting you to be cleaner/cook this bad behaviour has been multiplied.

Possibly your partner doesn't want his son to see him behaving well and sharing housework. Possibly because he never did it for son's mother.

If you continue to clean up after him... he will continue to leave a mess. Stop cleaning his toilet...why even go in there...and if you can't take the mess tell your BF he needs to pay for a cleaner.

You see him as a grown man because he is not your child. My DD is a year younger and I don't really see her as an adult.

She's away in University, but she's still my little girl.

Not only is your BF messy...his son is too...but you seem happy to clean up after your partner.

...and this right here is why I would end the relationship.
it took him another 2-3 months since that discussion when i asked again to tell me he wanted this all along.

He lied and deceived you. Do you want to end as his carer in years to come?

Find yourself a younger man, who won't seem like a grandpa to any kids you have.

You have more than one reason to end it.

The problem with leaving the downstairs toilet to never be cleaned so that if the OP has guests over, then that's the toilet the guests will be using. Not cleaning it is not really an option - her partner's son or partner needs to clean it. I would be mortified if I was OP and I had a friend over and they'd to use this filthy bathroom. Or is there a bathroom upstairs that your guests could use that is not an en-suite?

OP, stop cooking and cleaning for both of them. I'm afraid I agree with the two previous posters who said he's taken you for a mug - he saw you as a way to buy a bigger place so that his adult children could move in.

And by the way, you were perfectly reasonable to assume they wouldn't be moving in with you! He's an adult and is working, he can afford to move out. But of course why would he move out when he's got a cushy living arrangement that costs him nothing?

I think your relationship is dead to be honest. Your partner is treating you like a mad. You're only 30 and you're expected to cook, clean and do the laundry of 2 adult men, you deserve better than this.

*treating you like a MAID, not mad!

Should I get over this mistake, try and save it and believe that our relationship will be as good as it was before?
Or not get over it and leave?

No, you're right, it's not at all an easy pick, and I really, really feel for you. Is counselling something you'd consider- and would your dh be up for it if so?

Change how you word it...
We will all return plates to kitchen.
We will all take turns cooking and buying food, kitty to be agreed. Once a week each person will provide food if anyone chooses to buy takeaway they will pay, and if you cook the others will wash and wipe up.
Everyone will do their own washing.
Ect.

@coconutpie

Agreed. I cannot stand my house being disgusting. Even if it is me or my boyfriend who did it. Especially if it is someone else! I simply choose to not even use the downstairs bathroom even if I am next to it and gotta go for the simple fact that he uses it! I’m super private with this kid of stuff and very picky.. especially if I know it is not cleaned.

That is also what I thought.. he’s working, earns enough money to buy a car .. then he can afford living on his own as well. But he is not supported by his parents in this at all it seems. The kids have been gathering stuff to use when moving out for years.. but none have taken any step. I get the daughter, but not the son. He’ll be 21 soon. At that age I was away in a dorm in another country, paying my own accommodation and food.

The thing is that I have been thinking a bit more about it and I remember a conversation a long long time ago when he said that after he moved out from his wife’s house, she was not doing well with financials. (He was the bigger earner in the house)
Maybe he moved the kid here so he can take some money load away from her?
That in my eyes makes him caring, but for the wrong person. Cause he didn’t care asking me what I think, he simply did it.

I don’t even know what to think...

@icannotremember : I would be up for it yes, but i don’t think he would. In his eyes there is probably no issue, since he was surprised why I have anything to say. To quote: “you have your dog in the house and I can’t have my kid”? I was facepalming myself so hard at this one 😣

And by the way just as a remark: his son is using the money he has to invest in stocks and bitcoins, but can’t be bothered paying for a meal at our house.

He is studying and working in IT, when he will have a full time job he will earn a s**tload of money. I am an engineer as education and as a project manager consultant, I am not doing bad at all. I have earned in 3,5 years of work, enough to buy a car, pay a downpayment for a house and many more.

So I have absolutely no kind of worries that his son will not make it in this country, especially with his education. I simply don’t get why his parents don’t push him towards independency, cause tbh, he probably has more money in his bank account than i do!

I think it's a hard fight to have but something that needs to be done.

You need to decide if your relationship is worth putting up with this for possibly a few years. In my eyes I think without any change you will grow to resent your partner and it will end in a blow up.

If you think you can live with it but with some progress then you need to decide what you expect to change. Then sit down with your partner and tell him if these things don't change you will rethink both of them living with you. I would definitely recommend asking for some rent or money towards at least the food.

I would be calling out his son when he does things you aren't happy with and not leave it to your partner.

You seem to be getting increasingly angry and frustrated as this thread grows.

While his son is a lazy messy young man... I put the blame squarely at the feet of your DP. He is allowing this situation to continue.

You have choices.

1. Put up with it
2. Or leave the house (sell up) and end the relationship
3. Leave (sell the house) and continue the relationship living separately

Your DP will not accept an ultimatum or I would have suggested that.

If the living situation is the only problem... move out... let them clean up after themselves and you might just find he realises how much you did and how messy his son is.
He may also realise he'd rather have you in his bed every night and realise living with his son isn't working.

I know some married couples with younger stepchildren have done this, when a stepchild and step parent cannot get along. It might be a solution for you.

@SandyY2K

I think that because I have not really talked so much with anyone about this.. I am throwing flames here because I need to burn off steam. And I thank everyone here for the support!

You are right.. I have considered moving out, temporarily in the start, with friends, spending some days away from home. I have also looked for apartments until now and will most likely end up doing it for good.

I don’t think the situation will change. I have highlighted some of what i want changed a few weeks ago in our second and last talk on the subject, but not a lot changed. This weekend will be the test with “cleaning”.

I don’t want to put up with this.. it is ruining our relationship and I have a hard time getting over the fact that he didn’t tell me his plans. I need some time away.. and I will start getting it more and more! Let’s see ifit rings any bell..

When I said you were getting angrier.... it was more that I felt like you were realising how much they're taking the piss and how little appreciation you get.

You can't change others...only your reaction to their behaviour.

I have a hard time getting over the fact that he didn’t tell me his plans.

I fully understand. He had this planned all along.

I get the feeling he just wants you to shut up, as nothing changes.

Tbh he should be glad he has a GF young like you... and be keeping you happy.

The time away will do you good...but I have a feeling you'll return to an almighty mess... which will be the final nail in the coffin for you.

Still think it's odd. If a married couple stayed together surely their home is always the kids gone in case they need it? Ups and downs, break ups and problems they can always go home. Just because the parents split up - why does that not still apply? Single parents have baggage and it's important for a partner to accept the whole package.

Yes my kids are my flesh and blood - they are for life and I will be there for them for life. My partner would never override that or say my kids couldn't stay. I do live a full and active life - I travel a lot, go out, visit friends so my kids don't rule my life. They are independent and so am I. But I'm their Mum. That doesn't stop at 18. And with my relationships I am respectful about their responsibilities (as a single parent I prefer to date men who are in the same boat so we understand each other's family lives). I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who wasn't there for his kids. That's nit a good man in my books.

I think the son moving on is a red herring. I don't mean it's not a problem - it is- but the real problem is your partner doesn't respect you.

He's making decisions for both of you.

He gets angry when you try to discuss things.

He treats you as a maid.

He doesn't pull his son up on disrespecting you.

He lies to you.

He schemes and manipulates you to do something he wants.

He makes unfair comparisons (dog agreed to, son you didn't).

I'm not suggesting he doesn't have good qualities. I'm sure he does. But as people age their traits get bigger. Do you really want to live with the list above every day for the rest of your life?

Run. Run and don't look back.

Still think it's odd. If a married couple stayed together surely their home is always the kids gone in case they need it? Ups and downs, break ups and problems they can always go home. Just because the parents split up - why does that not still apply? Single parents have baggage and it's important for a partner to accept the whole package.

They would discuss it though. They might say "It's a pain, but". They would gave the chance for some ground tiles. It's not really the son moving in that's the problem, it's the assumption that if he wants it she will go along with it.

Still think it's odd. If a married couple stayed together surely their home is always the kids gone in case they need it? Ups and downs, break ups and problems they can always go home. Just because the parents split up - why does that not still apply? Single parents have baggage and it's important for a partner to accept the whole package.

That doesn't mean that the partner who is a parent gets to move their adult child in without asking the other, or if child moves in that the partners feelings or concerns are completely overridden. We're not talking about a 5 year old that has a lot of physical needs, the son is 20.

My aunt and her husband got married with a combination of 4 children, the youngest was 16. Over the years all of the 4 have come home to live with them for periods of time due to job changes, study, etc. In all cases it was discussed and agreed by both of them and ground rules regarding expectations for cleaning, cooking, and contributing were laid down. If either of them had just moved their child in without asking the other and then getting angry and defensive, I doubt the relationship would have lasted!

The trouble is, planning all along that his son would move in and not telling you is such a big disrespect. Very unfair of him. You had every right to know what he planned and agree or not agree to buy a house with him on that basis. All the time you were having happy relaxed romantic evenings cooking together you though that was how your life would be and he knew it was temporary until his son moved in as. The dirty bathroom, the drinks cans left around, being expected to do his sons washing etc are little, daily incidents of disrespect. And they remind you each time of how little he has cared about your feelings, your plans, your privacy. So you will get progressively angrier. I bet he tries to end any conversation about rules by saying his kid comes first. Or that you are being too fussy about bathroom cleaning. I’m sorry, in your position I’d be looking to get my money back and move. I can’t see this making you happy.

I think the reality is people have less patience and tolerant when it's their flesh and blood. That's just human nature.

I'm sure I'd be very irritated (more than I am) if a stepchild didn't wash the dishes...although my own DD does the same.... but she's my daughter. I love her unconditionally.

Expecting that same love to extend to a stepchild is unrealistic.

I can also tell her to get down abs wash up... I can stop her pocket money if I'm really ticked off... because she's my daughter.

She won't go whinging to her dad...or to her mum and she won't be saying I'm picking on her because I'm not her mum.

It's much easier to say it like it is to your own child.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

I too am wondering how the weekend has gone for you. Please let us know. Hope you're alright.

OMG.
I have a very similar situation, and am actually desperately upset for you right now.
I feel trapped in my own bedroom. I have my own young DCs, but when they are not here, it feels like adult SS calls all of the shots.
It is MY house. I have tried negotiating, providing specific expectations. I've even screamed at him in desperation.
He's now moved his GF in via stealth, and is abusive towards her. I intervene, and am 'interfering'.
DP views it as 'six of one, half a dozen of the other'. Well, tough shit. My house, my rules.

I've given ultimatums, and had a breakdown. They need to leave, which I made clear tonight.
Apparently the conversation can't happen until Sunday.
I will end up changing the locks.
Love is just not enough.

Hugs.