My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

@CherryPavlova

He is not a guest.. he lives here. Please read all my message before starting a conv :)
I paid 50% of the house and I would have expected at least a “is it ok for my son to move here 5 days a week?” Which I didn’t even get. I just got him here without warning.

OP, you need to stop complaining to a bunch of strangers and start complaining to your step son and your partner. If you are cleaning up after them, then that's your fault. If you don't want to clean, then propose hiring a maid whose cost is split equally. Or sell up and move out. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship anyway. He doesn't discuss major life decisions with you and you complain to strangers.

@SofiaAmes

I simply wanted to see if there are other people who have been in this situation, how have they tackled the issue, since for me it’s fairly new.
I tried to be accepting of it but my needs being ignored has pissed me off.. so i was simply looking for some other cases and how it ended up.

Why would you be accepting of something that makes you this unhappy? It sounds very emotionally unhealthy. If your partner isn't willing to discuss the issue then you shouldn't remain in the relationship.

Seems you either have to accept it or move out and either sell the house or have him buy you out.

For what it's worth I would be the same as him. No matter where I lived or who I lived with I would always have a space in my house for my kids and if they chose to live there then they would be welcome. I thought this would be a given with most parents.

Is inability to talk to you about it is worrying.

This wouldn't be so much of a problem if your partner was actually doing all the work hosting his son, but he is leaving it to you.

I wouldn't try to go down the route of kicking his son out, but your partner needs to up his housework efforts if he wants long term family guests. Or pay someone to clean up.

You need to discuss this aspect with your partner. If he is happy to clean up and let his son do nothing that is up to him. If he isn't happy to do it himself, he shouldn't expect you to.

To a 20 year old, a 30 year old appears a lot older and more mature. You are working and he sees you as an adult, not a young person like himself.

@Lichtie

I understand that, it is just the way it has been brought up to me that has taken its toll on my emotions.
And now I am stuck in a situation which was never discussed before to which I simply have to give in and not even have a say in because it is his kid.

How much housework did your husband do before his son moved in?

Was there a roughly even split then or were you doing everything with him not lifting a finger?

@WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo

There was an even split. We were cooking and cleaning together and sometimes splitting the work in the garden for him and the one in the house for me. Lately he has gotten quite lazy with the cleaning even though we had a schedule on Saturday to clean the whole house, making excuses sometimes that “he doesn’t feel like it and will do it tomorrow”.
I told him that I am fed up with doing his chores too and highlighted his son’s too.. but no big changes were made. At least my bf came and asked if he can help me with anything in the weekend..

Oh wow OP, he’s got you now, so he doesn’t have to make the effor5 anymore.

I think if you are having this level of problems only two years in to a relationship, you are perhaps not that compatible after all.
He does not sound kind or considerate of you.

Have you spoken to the son yourself and asked if he wants you to show him how the washing machine works?
Or if you have started cleaning can you say to him " here, will you Hoover down here while I dust?" "Thanks"

You can't have been together more than a year when you decided to buy a house together. Was there a big reason for doing it so quickly?
Seems far too soon. And probably not enough time to figure out the relationship he has with his children (which seems pretty normal to be fair).

We bought the house 6 months ago. That is mostly the time his son also moved in.
We have known eachother maybe even more than 1.5 year prior to this and have been living together in the place he was living for 5 months nefore deciding to invest in our own house.
When we lived in the other place (which was his) his kids were not moved in. (It was a smaller appartment indeed, but still) and the situation was never put on the table when buying our own place.
He has insited a lot of times that he has adult children which take care of themselves and that him being with someone else wouldn’t be an issue. I assumed “taking care of themselves” applies in everything.

I feel strange talking to his son about it.. especially since we don’t stay at home all day. I have a job, come home around 5pm and don’t do any chores until the weekend, when he is not here but with his mom...

@Foodylicious
See post above.

Perhaps it would be sensible for your partner to help his son buy a place of his own, if he is going to stay in the area. That way he can know both you and his son are happy.

He was divorced for less thanyear when we met. He has lived together with his son for the past 18 years. It was not new to this thing
So where was DP living when you met OP? And before you bought the house?
Tbf knowing Dad has only "fairly" recently moved out, I think you are being even more unreasonable to have not considered that the kids who have (pretty much always lived with Dad might want to stay living with him at least part of the week

Lately he has gotten quite lazy with the cleaning even though we had a schedule on Saturday to clean the whole house, making excuses sometimes that “he doesn’t feel like it and will do it tomorrow” and you're confused why his son is how he is??

At least my bf came and asked if he can help me with anything in the weekend
"No, I don't need help. I need you and DS'S to do your chores and I'll do mine.

@SleepingStandingUp

My partner got his own place after he moved away from his wife and both the kids were at their mother. That is how it was when we met and he wanted me to move in with him after we’d been dating for almost a year, not his kids.
We lived together in his place for around 5-6 months and then bought the house we live in currently, about 6 - 7 months ago (this summer).

That is when his son moved in.

@justasking111

I don’t get why he can’t continue living with his mom and come here from time to time, or 50-50.
He stays here 5 days a week and at his mom’s place (where he lived for the past 20 years) only 2 days a week.

You come home from work and presumably cook and wash up each night. TELL DS's It's his turn to do one of those. Do it nicely, but tell him. Also tell DP he needs to do his turn.

If you put in a load of washing for you in the week, tell DS'S the washing machine is empty if he wants to use it or is he taking it home for his Mum

His bathroom leave. Any of his stuff left about remind him each night - can you put that in your room please DSS

Or keep feeling hard done to whilst running around after your lazy partner and lazy DSS

Tbf knowing Dad has only "fairly" recently moved out, I think you are being even more unreasonable to have not considered that the kids who have (pretty much always lived with Dad might want to stay living with him at least part of the week

Agree. This is a man who is used to living with his kids and has always done so until recently, not somebody who only saw them every other weekend. So when you say he can live with his Mum like he always has- actually he has nearly always lived with both parents. It's just that his Mum remains in the same house.

This should be the good times, not the times when your partner (though the word partner means you should be on an equal footing) ‘tells’ you what is happening and throws a temper tantrum because you disagree

This

@Bluestitch

When he moved out he lived alone in a temporary apartment he bought. We had been dating for 1 year before I moved in with him in that place..
Since he has been living there a while.. his kids were never moved in. They came visiting yes and that is also how we met and got to know eachother.. but non of them ever stayed.
Since that didn’t happen.. I thought it would be the same when we bought a house together.. since his kids didn’t even move into his own place.
I don’t get why now in a house we share 50-50. And to be honest, I would have mostly had no problem with it if he had the decency to tell me his plan before.

I don’t get why he can’t continue living with his mom and come here from time to time, or 50-50
Why should the woman be the one who keeps the kids for the most time?? Yes that's the building he lived in for 20 years but it's also his Dad who he lived with for 17/18 years. Perhaps in the first house there wasn't room for him or it was all still too new and painful, that he's only just felt like he could say to his Mum he wants to live with his Dad

Does your partner do nothing in the house? Why are you doing all the domestic work for the son? Surely the son should be doing it for himself or his Dad should be doing it as part of his normal domestic work?

@SleepingStandingUp

She shouldn’t but that was the agreement since he paid her for them being there and as he mentioned he still does.
If he wanted his son to live with him, he should have moved him in the 1st house he bought (before we bought our own) and not insist that I moved in with him.

@sittingonthetallseat

Yes he does and he did even more before his son moved in. Recently we have been having discussions about me having to tidy up after him all the time and now even more after his son. He didn’t seem to think about it before I mentioned it to him.
I am the type of person who if I see there is a mess, I clean it because I can’t stand things thrown around and messy plates on the counter.