Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

372 replies

CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 13:07

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 22/01/2019 14:18

Just stop doing it...
Chuck his clothing in a separate washing basket...

Only wash up on the days the son is not there, shout to both of them to come do the washing up..
Say on Monday night, OK who is cooking tonight, when they look at you hold out your hands say not my turn....
Let the cupboards run dry and turn to both of them and say here is shopping list can you both do it on way home.....
Ask them do they need you to draw up a chores list or do they want to pay for a cleaner?

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 14:19

aidelmaidel

Believe me I even tried looking at it from this perspective, but I don’t think that’s the case.

The fact that his son is closer to my age than his is what is making this all more embarassing, for the fact that I have to clean up after him, wash his clothes, cook for him and be there all smiling and happy.
I find it outrageous! If I were him I would be embarrased that my father’s 30 yo gf is doing my chores..

OP posts:
aidelmaidel · 22/01/2019 14:22

You're allowed to insist that someone living in your house pulls their weight, you know. All this stuff where you clean up and do the laundry--What would happen if you piled it all into a box and left it on the son's bed?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:22

Whan you were discussing buying a house together he should have made it clear what his intention was. But why only his son? Why doesn't his daughter stop over too?

If you'd had said no then he simy shouldn't have brought a house with you. Simple.

So I agree you shouldn't have bought this then had it put on you HOWEVER did you seriously not consider that this might happen? What is his son was 25 and split up with his wife and needed a bed? Of course it would be reasonable for a parent to house them. Or if he lost his job and him, the wife and their child needed a place to stay, of course it would be reasonable for a parent to help house them. So I'm a bit 🙄 that you didn't think through buying a house with a man who has kids.

You say you barely. Know the sin but he's been living with you part time for 6 months and you've been with his dad for 2 years. Why don't you know him better, and the daughter?

You said something about DSs being downstairs so is he just crashing on the sofa in the living room? Why can't he use a bedroom? Some noisy parent sex might actually make him sleep over less 😂 😂

But his son is an adult and his father’s gf washes his clothes, makes his food and cleanes his dishes. I find that totally wrong so stop doing it. It isn't hard. Give the lad a room and throw his dirty clothes etc in there. Expect more form your partner in terms of domestic chores and asktell DSs to pull his weight.

aidelmaidel · 22/01/2019 14:23

Also if you're scared of your partner's reactions, are you sure he's as wonderful as you think he is?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:24

The fact that his son is closer to my age than his is what is making this all more embarassing does he look like his Dad op? But a younger, hotter version...?

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 14:27

SleepingStandingUp

He has his own room downstairs, but you can still here everything through the walls. I still don’t feel confortable with that and with my lack of privacy.

To be honest, i didn’t consider he would totally move in here since he still has his room at his mother’s house, the one he has been staying in for the past 20 years. I expected them to be over from time to time.. but honestly not move in. At least not in the house I bought too. Or if they did.. I would have established rules and boubdaries if I knew this was coming (which i didn’t).

His dauther is also coming visiting. She is in boarding school most of the time..

OP posts:
Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 14:28

SleepingStandingUp

Not even close...

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:30

And agree, Re aggression and you being scared of his reaction. Maybe now is the time to count the red flags and get out

llangennith · 22/01/2019 14:32

YANBU. Your bf has been sly and deceitful. You probably won't be able to change the situation for the better and it'll probably get worse from your pov. Have a good think about whether you can put up with this. I don't think I could. Tell your bf it's not working for you and ask him to buy your share of the house so you can move out. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:34

SleepingStandingUp

Not even close...

Just checking!!

You have two choices. Find a way to deal with it or tell DP you no longer want to live together and sell the house.

If you tell him you aren't prepared to have DC there he'll either tell you tough, tell you it's over or say OK dear, anything for you and then he's proving himself a shit Dad and you should dump him anyway.

Call a family meeting and say as he's stopping here so much, you want to make it clear that he needs to at least do his own stuff, DP needs to do his share and you're not doing it all yourself

Badwifey · 22/01/2019 14:36

I think you are being very unreasonable here. He is his son. You knew he had kids when you agreed to buy with him. You should have been willing to accept they are part of the deal. If I were him and I found out you had these feeling then I'm sorry but the relationship would be over. He is only 20. It's not like he's 45 with kids of his own. Ffs he's trying to get his foot into a job. No one says you have to clean up after him.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:36

Tell your bf it's not working for you and ask him to buy your share of the house so you can move out. His reaction will tell you all you need to know
Does it though? If he says OK, I'll stop him staying here, what exactly IS that saying?

TeacupDrama · 22/01/2019 14:38

you do not have to wash or cook for him neither should you be paying 50% of bills; the son should pay 33% of food heating and utilities as a minimum if living there full time maybe 20% if just Monday-friday

if son wants to stay he needs to do some of the chores, ( this is regardless of how much he pays for board) sometimes it makes no sense to do 3 separate lots of laundry but he could make food, clean bathroom occasionally push the hoover around, draw up a rota reflecting how much he is here

maybe tackle it from above perspective rather than privacy but if son does have a bedroom you could generally have lounge to yourselves say after 9pm don't let the 2 of them decide they own the TV remote

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 22/01/2019 14:38

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Not the fact that his son is living with you, but not being part of that decision. Since it's also your house, he should have definitely discussed it with you first.

I would definitely stop washing his son's clothes etc. He is old enough to do it on his own.

TBH I'd start looking into ways out.

TeacupDrama · 22/01/2019 14:41

as his daughter is in boarding school it is reasonable to expect her to be around half the holidays ( anything less and you were being naive) however I don't think you were being naive to just expect his son at weekends as he had lived with his mother for past 20 years

before his daughter comes home for easter say she is expected to help around house you are not running a hotel
start by sorting contribution from son and some chores

MorningsEleven · 22/01/2019 14:41

The problem is not the cleaning, but my privacy and the fact that his son is an adult and not a child anymore. I would have had no problem if he was 10

What does his age have to do with it? You shacked up with a bloke with kids, what did you honestly expect?

teenagetantrums · 22/01/2019 14:42

I have the same issue but from the other side. I moved in with partner a few years ago but due to a long complicated story my 23 year old has ended up living here. I completely understand its hard for my partner to live with an adult that they don't really know. We have decided it's only going to be for 4 months and my son is working to save a deposit for his own place to rent. I would not have dreamt of letting my son move in without partners agreement. I also have other children who may need a place to stay in future. But l think there has to be an end point to the arangement. To be honest l find it hard living with my adult children.I feel for you., and no way would l clean up for an adult

jessstan2 · 22/01/2019 14:45

I feel for you Cris, it wasn't fair to have this situation dumped on you but there are ways of dealing with it.

You do not have to clear up after the lad, please tell him so, he's old enough to understand that and if he was sharing an apartment with friends he'd have to look after himself.

Also make it clear that you need peace and quiet, time and space for yourself. Designate yourself a space in the house where you can just be without interruption.

Remember too - it's not for long.

Flowers
TowelNumber42 · 22/01/2019 14:45

Why the actual fuck are you doing all the shitwork his father’s gf washes his clothes, makes his food and cleanes his dishes

Look, if you play the doormat you'll have people wipe their feet on you.

The young man should be doing his own shitwork. He should also be contributing in cash or extra shitwork as a thank you. If he doesn't do these things then you must not pick them up.

Sounds like the boy has been taught that women are house elves, his dad agrees and so do you seeing as you choose to wash their pants and plates.

Tell the dad that you don't like how his son appears to expect you to be his house elf. Tell the dad that you are switching to dad and son doing all housework and cooking for a while until you all learn to stop being sexist twonks.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:46

I would not have dreamt of letting my son move in without partners agreement so if DS had said Mum I need somewhere to sleep and your DP had said no, what would you have done?

Coyoacan · 22/01/2019 14:51

But what sexist age is this, when you are expected to feed and clean up after all the men?

We are in 2019, and the only "liberation" you have is having to pay your half of the bills .

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 14:53

that is incredibly sneaky of your DP. You need to sit down and have a completely frank conversation with him about this, and he in turn needs to have a frank conversation with his son about his presumptions.

But... it doesn't look good, I'm afraid. His sneakiness and his aggression are pretty big red flags, don't you think?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2019 14:53

OP could say no and stop doing it Coyoacan

Original poster
CrisS23 · 22/01/2019 14:55

MorningsEleven

It makes a difference because if he was younger I would have built a different relationship with him over time.
He is already a fully grown man whi obviously has had things done for him the whole time and now expects the same from me!

And having to always have clothes on in your house and not being able to relax and not wear a bra, has a lot to do with the fact that he is 20 yo!

OP posts: