My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

If all else fails perhaps he ( young adult) could start paying rent? Or OH could add more to the financial pot to compensate.

You could use this for time away for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m with you, OP. It’s not on.

You’ll always get people piling into these threads to tell the OP that she “knew what she was doing” when she “took on” a man with kids. Because you have no right to complain about anything then, you see. You have made your bed and must now lie on it, uncomplaining, for ever, no matter how badly your partner’s children behave.

Of course, the people shouting loudest are usually divorced mothers who hate all stepmothers. Because we are all marriage wreckers who refuse to devote themselves entirely to fulfilling the wishes of their precious offspring. Or they are the children of divorced parents who had a bad experience with their own stepmothers. Whatever the reason, all stepmothers posting for advice must be punished.

The son is 20. He is an adult. Your partner clearly knew that you didn’t expect his son to move in, otherwise he wouldn’t have had to admit that it was his plan all along. He’s being aggressive about it because he is bang to rights and can’t admit that he deceived you.

And having to always have clothes on in your house and not being able to relax and not wear a bra, has a lot to do with the fact that he is 20 yo!
Not really sure it would be more appropriate to walk around without clothes on if the lad were 10 tbf, surely that's weirder?

Stop washing his clothes for a start. He can do that himself. Don't clean up after him and he can do his own room. The same as if he was your own child!

Unfortunately if you get into a relationship with a man who already has kids they are part of the package and that package can continually change depending on where they are in their lives and what their current situation is.

Yes he was wrong not consult you but in his own mind he had taken it as a given that his children would be welcome in his home as he is their father and it hadn't occurred to him that the woman he loves would feel differently.

It is what it is and I would just set some ground rules and ask for him to pay some "keep".

Get off your soapbox Nettle, OP isn't a step mother. She's the girlfriend of an adult child's parent. She can STOP doing the domestic chores of both men and expect them to do it themselves.

SleepingStandingUp

No, of course not. But the bra thing might differ.
Also I want to have private conversations with my partner, not have him listen into it all the time. If he was 10 he probably woulnd’t care or not have the same understanding.
I chose the people I want to share things with..

Yeah that's bollocks. It absolutely should have been discussed with you FIRST. Because you marry a man with kids doesn't mean you sign up to be a doormat. You're a blended family and EVERYONE has to count. You need a frank discussion OP about how this can work for you if at all. But I'd be mighty wary of someone who didn't feel it necessary to discuss moving another human into my home with me, child or not.

OP could say no and stop doing it Coyoacan

Actually I'm referring to the entire thread. First of all a thirty-year-old woman who thinks this is her job and then very, very few people picking up on that. I live in Mexico, am getting on for seventy and am totally shocked at the backwardness of the UK.

Did the pair of you actually have this conversation before moving in together or did you just make assumptions based on you own POV?

If I moved in with another person, before it happened it would be on the understanding that if either of my children needed to come home it would happen. Anything else would be a deal breaker.

It really doesn't sound like you are compatible. I don't think one of you is to blame, you just haven't had a proper conversation before moving in. There isn't really a way forward without resentment building on either side. I'd honestly get the house up for sale.

So all of a sudden he's staring at your breasts and listening at door cracks. Trust me, 10 yr old boys aren't that different.

Like stated uptbread, you HAVE choices. YANBU that DP has intentionally aimed for this and conveniently never mentioned it in passing. YABU to have never considered this scenario, to run around after a capable adult you don't want to and to act like you have no choices.

Decide your choices. Talk to DP. Carry out consequences.

If his son was living at University he would be doing his own cleaning etc. Or would this not be the case where you live?

I would insist that he behaves like an adult house sharer and does his share of cleaning and cooking. If he is less comfortable he may decide to move out.

Don’t know why you’re getting hard time, OP. The issue is lack of communication and the length of the situation.
Now sure why you’re cleaning up after them.

NOT sure...

From the way you are describing things @CrisS23 it sounds like you have no career of your own and just stay at home cooking and cleaning after other people.

Is this really the case?

Doesn't your partner do anything for himself either?

If you are financially independent, I have no idea why you are taking on the role of mother to a 20 year old.

I frankly understand the part about contribution and this has started to happen (not a lot for utilities but something at least), the food is unfortunately fully ours and we have talked about cleaning and chores too, but nothing has happened.
I clean up after them because I hate having a mess in the house, I simply can’t stand ignorance and being unresponsible.
I have also asked my bf how would he feel if my mother or one of my relatives would move in without him knowing and he said that if it was for a short time it might be ok and that his kids are different anyway. I don’t see that as being fair at all..

I’m an adult step child and I wouldn’t expect to just be able to move into either of my parents house without them having a discussion with my step mum/step dad. It’s their house too! I don’t think what I want overrules what my step parents want. Especially not in their own home! The entitlement of some people is staggering.

What would your DP say if you said you were moving a relative in who wasn’t going to pay any rent and youd be expecting him to wait on them? Oh and when he complained about it you got agressive then told him it was your plan all along. I imagine he’d be singing a different tune then.

OP, I really think you should stop running round after him. Leave his washing on his bed and ask him for a contribution towards bills/food. If he says no then I’d lower what I contributed and let his dad cover his costs. I’d also be expecting him to be making plans to get his own place when he leaves university. It might help you feel better about this situation if you’re not being treated like a skivvy/out of pocket and if there’s an end point in sight.

I think you should look at the aggression as well. That’s not an acceptable way to treat your partner.

wollyheart

I have a career, I am a project manager with a good paycheck (hence I was able to pay half of the house).
My reasons for moving in with him is to have a relationship with him and build it up.

My partner is a senior project manager as well.. so we both have a good earning. That is why the financial situation has never been a problem and I was ok paying for his kids ans buying them things. But I have gotten fed up with the fact that I don’t see any kind of contribution from his son to the hourse chores. His father does some of the cooking as well yes, but the cleaning I mostly do. And I hate my efforts not being noticed or even appreciated

Cross post there.

I think to I ththink cleaning the only way they’ll learn is if you stop doing it or round up all their mess and dump it on their beds/in their drawers. Or charge them per hour for everything you’ve been doing.

If you’re out of pocket because of bills increasing you should tell your partner he can cover th increase in costs. You shouldn’t be out of pocket because an adult can’t be arsed to pay his own way.

Re him saying he might be ok if your relative stayed for a short period he’s taking the right piss. So he can move adult relatives in without so much as a by your leave but you can’t? Bollocks to that!

Adult children are always moving in and out. Rental costs are very high. If you are with a man with dc even adult dc it is likely that at some point they will live with you.

I get that you need your privacy, but that doesn’t preclude his son being there.

We had dss back and forth until he was 26, dss 2 is still back and forth and ds 25 is alsobaxk and forth. It’s what adult kids do.

You either need to change your attitude or leave the relationship. They will always be there. If that was my son, and you were saying that about him I’d feel sick.

Put up or move out. What a horrible attitude

Presumably TheEmoji you’d expect your son to pull his weight and not leave all the chores/extra costs to your partner though? And you’d be equally ok if your partner said he was moving his mum/brother/sister in with no discussion or warning?

Come on, OP, you're living with a man who's 20 years older than you who is showing you no respect. If he wanted his son to live there, he should have told you before you bought anything. He's used you, hasn't he? He couldn't afford a home that size/quality on his own and so he's lured you into buying somewhere with him and he's got you in a position where you feel your home isn't your own.

And seriously, if you think he's going to have another baby, you really need to think again. I know you say you're not ready yet, but he'll then be in his mid-fifties when you are ready. Do you really think he's going to go for that? I'm sorry, but I think it's naive of you to think so.

You're a couple of years in and he's showing himself just what he thinks of you. I'd sell up and move on.

I can't get excited about this. I expect that my DS might continue to live with me when he reaches adulthood, that wouldn't even come up as a point of discussion with my DP because clearly my DS isn't going to be shipped out after his 18th birthday given the cost of living these days. I would prefer that he stays at home so that he can save for a deposit or go to university or whatever.

Before you tell me that this is different, I have the same expectations for my DSC. Although they are with their mum more than they are with DP now, if they move in here in the future then fine. This is their home with their dad too, after all. I cannot imagine ever expecting to be the gatekeeper of that decision, or saying no. Likewise, if my DP told me that my DS had to leave home at 20, if he wasn't ready to, I would end the relationship.

The messiness etc is a different issue, and I'm with you on that. I wouldn't be doing any 20 year olds washing, and I would expect them to absolutely pull their weight in the house.

It sounds like you were happy when it was just cleaning up after the two of you, but now this has escalated, and they aren't taking it seriously.

Tell them that you are not happy with their attitude to helping with keeping the house in order. You have standards, and they are ignoring them. If they aren't willing to help, tell them they will have to pay for a cleaner to clean up after them.

If you do want to invite your friends and family over, how are you meant to do that if they don't bother to clear up after themselves.

This doesn't really address the privacy issue of course. How about No sex when there are guests in the house?

Stop being the live in housekeeper for them both, just stop it,
You do not have to cook and clean and wash clothes for these adult men.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

You seem to be lacking the fact that he did not even discuss with me that he wants his son to move in!
And apart from that, he has his own paycheck for a long time, he is not still a student!
If you agree that your partner treat you like nothing and take a piss at you in your own home and presume you have no say in anything at all.. than you have no self esteem!

At 30 yo I should not be cleaning a 20yo toilet!