My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

I agree with Grandma Jane.

Your boyfriend liked you etc but basically he bought that house with your because he couldn't have afforded it on his own. And now he has a house he can invite his son and daughter to live with him. All great for him and his kids. Not so great for you who was blindsided.

He deliberately didn't tell you that this was his plan because he knew you wouldn't buy the house with him if you knew.

Now you are stuck, he tells you/accuses you of not liking his children etc. because he thinks you'll shut up and put up if you are accused of not being nice to other people/his children.

I'd get out now. This won't end well for you. And frankly (and expecting all the "I was 18 and he was 40 and we've been happy for 80 years" responses) you are too young to be with this man. you should be out thinking about having your own children - not looking down the barrel of having your partner mind his grandchildren in your house.

Get out now.

Your 30 with your life ahead of you
His attitude stinks he's just using you and so is his son ( no wonder he's divorced )
Get out now , get your £ share of the house back

Find someone without this rotten attitude to you who treats you as a person rather than a skivvy

GrandmaJane and towelnumber42 are spot on

They sure are! I'm glad to see people are beginning to understand better.

Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it? Things cannot go on as they are.

Form a plan and stick to it.

Op you are no ones slave, get yourself some self respect. If someone is not pulling their weight at work you would hopefully confront it and get it sorted in a positive way. You don’t need a man that badly you have to be their domestic servsnt.

You’ve fallen into good little wife mode. Always there to clear up after the menfolk.

Never fall into that trap again it never gets better. You start cleaning up after a man they start thinking their free time/desires are worth more than yours. you are worth more than this. Every woman is.

I would hazard a guess your stepson has come to live with you because his mother probably wants him to behave more like an adult and do more at home. His dad is indulging him.

He said that his children will always come first and that there should be no discussions to this.. which of course i understand and told him that i don’t expect that not to happen.. but in this case, he really disconsidered me and my feelings totally!

Yes, I can see why he'd say that. But giving you due respect and consideration is not mutually exclusive and I don't see why so many pp are getting their knickers in a twist about that simple fact.

You SHOULD have been informed and consulted in advance, you are his equal partner in love, housing, finances etc. To just be ignored and disregarded is unacceptable.

Sadly I agree with the pp who suggested he was merely using yo to get the larger house and had this plan all along, whether it was maliciously done or innocently/ignorantly assuming you'd feel the same

My ex could apparently not see the difference between us (as a couple) checking our joint calendar and extending an invite to a family member to visit us; and him unilaterally making plans with them and just telling me it was happening, convenient or not.

I felt like an imposition in my own house some times. It was beyond shit to be treated as 'nothing' like that.

My DB married someone (I can now see with hindsight) to enable him to get the deposit to build his house, he had the land, but not the savings. He probably didn't see it quite like that but I doubt they'd have married, or at least married so quickly, without the carrot.They divorced.

Call a house meeting and set up the rules. Explain that everyone is an adult and as such needs to share in the chores and costs. Set out an amount you want DS to contribute each month, and what chores he is expected to do.
Do not do his washing or clean his room or bathroom.
Tell him he is expected to clean those areas at least once each week, as well as before guests arriving.
If you get kick back, tell him to pay for his own cleaner weekly.
I expect son will see the rainbow over Mums house and return to her.

I really feel for u OP.
Why should u look after another adult!

I think some of the posts are harsh because things could of been completely different if your DP had spoken to u about this before his moved in.

I think u now just need to decide if u can put up with the son living with u or living without ur partner.

You're a father for life - not just till they are 18. As a divorced parent anyone who was in a relationship with me would need to know my house is always open to my kids - and that should be equally true for the mother or father.

Sure he hasn't communicated well but I think you ought to have realised that being a parent is fir life and a father who isn't there for their kids is not a good man. From the teens years onwards this doesn't fit a fixed pattern and certainly doesn't end at 18. They need to be able to come and go as they please - it's not the kids fault the parents split up.

Talk to him and try to see it from both perspectives. I suspect that your relationship is not a goer - you want completely different things.

your partner and his son are not going to change - why would they? they have a cook and a cleaner living in....you are being taken for a complete mug and being a doormat... no matter what your profession/discussions with your partner it is completely disrespectful..

you should not have bought a house with this man
the only thing you can change is you....I would be talking to a lawyer to check my rights of selling - I dont know the laws in denmark...you may

sit down with your partner and advise you are giving his son notice- and he is to move back to his mums - ok to stay over the odd night ....or whatever like before you bought the house....not ok to move in ...

if not then sell up/move out... if his sons earning can he buy you out...
read about sunk costs fallacy ...this a crap situation to be tied to -you are young, successful at work - this is no future for you...

if it had been an agreed plan from teh beginning then woudl be different....
if you can come to an adult agreement - eg rent/cleaners/limited time/contribution..then maybe different ...
but def no cooking/cleaning shopping - I would be out a lot until the situation is resolved..maybe you'll meet a new partner who may respect you .....

**The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf.

^Well what did you expect getting involved with a man 19 years older than you?

Ok well even if he does get enough income that he could live away from parents that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to or they want him to, it could be that all parties hope the dc staying at home means he can save up for a deposit on buying somewhere, and there's other reasons to stay at "home" too (and both parents houses ARE his home). Emotional support etc.

"but I had been spending days, nights and weekends there for at least 1 year." As is obvious from this discussion, that's not the same as living together properly combining finances, chores etc. It's still VERY fast for deciding to buy with someone! Even if there weren't children involved I'd advise against such haste.

"And what you are seriously lacking to get.. is that if he was my child moving in, it would be no problem" no! What YOU are failing to get is that the house you live in IS half HIS parents - exactly the same as if it were your child! The fact you say if it were your child there'd be no problem is precisely why you're clearly unreasonable! He has as much right to live in HIS FATHERS house as your child would to live in its mothers!

"Because it has been a stressful time for me. And I didn’t feel like sharing my life and struggles with anyone that I didn’t chose to!" But when you CHOOSE to be with someone who is a parent that's the breaks! If his child was also going through a stressful time when you were he would (rightly) prioritise the child's needs. This IS what you signed up for when you decided to be with a PARENT. Your needs will rarely come first for them. If you can't handle that then you're better off not being in a relationship with someone with kids.

Honestly the more you write the less I think you're mature enough to cope with this relationship, you'd be better off with someone closer to your own age who doesn't yet have kids...

...and that's without you facing up to the FACT that someone in their 50's who hasn't clearly said they want to is very unlikely to want more kids - another elephant in the room you're not addressing.

Re your post at 2242 "of course" it's a problem because it's not your child - you definitely need to end this relationship. You're far too resentful of his kids and should never have got together with someone with kids.

"He said that his children will always come first and that there should be no discussions to this.. which of course i understand" you very clearly DON'T understand that at all!

"If you actually read mu threads, I said I would never want him to kick out his son." Actually the reality is you DO want him to kick his son out, you just don't want to have to SAY it and look the bad guy.

"It is people like you who simply can’t deal with other people’s feelings that is what is wrong with the world!" Wow! No need for that rudeness!! Especially considering you couldn't give 2 hoots for your partners or his sons feelings!

Honestly if you really loved your partner you would WANT to get to know his kids! Because they are PART of him! They will ALWAYS be part of his life and always his priority.

You have a point re the chores/lack of financial contribution but honestly I don't think that's your real problem with him being there. You want your partner to yourself for the majority of the time and you resent that you can't because he is a father and that IS unreasonable and unrealistic - and was obvious to anyone who truly understood what it is to be with someone who is already a parent.

for the fact that I have to clean up after him, wash his clothes, cook for him

Wait a minute, it's entirely reasonable that a parent would want to provide a home for their child, regardless of their age, especially while a student or apprentice.

You should expect some warning and consultation about it.

It is entirely unreasonable for you to be cleaning up, doing laundry and cooking for an adult. Stop that right away. Maybe gave a discussion about his genus going to look after himself now but really...

What were you thinking the first time you did his laundry ?

You have a point re the chores/lack of financial contribution but honestly I don't think that's your real problem with him being there. You want your partner to yourself for the majority of the time and you resent that you can't because he is a father and that IS unreasonable and unrealistic - and was obvious to anyone who truly understood what it is to be with someone who is already a parent.

The partner should have told OP that he intended his DS to live with him.

I have an adult DSD and if she wanted to move into our place, DH would ask me and we'd have a conversation about it. That conversation would include things like costs, contribution to the household in chores, etc.

OP might well be immature or have unrealistic expectations but that doesn't take her DP off the hook at all. DP was deceptive because he probably knows most 30 year old women don't want a relationship with a much older man that also requires taking care of that man's adult children.

In my 40's post divorce I met so many men who just wanted to move in and use me to replace their ex by me looking after them and their off spring. It's all divorced men want. They can't cope without a woman washing their clothes, cooking, cleaning etc and find the first woman soft enough to do this and either move in or buy together.
So you've just been suckered punched and it is no longer working. What your partner has done to you is awful if he won't listen to you and consider your feelings there is no future. Now just shut up and go and cook dinner, which is all he wants.
He is not going to kick his adult lazy son out. You've enabled him to it a bigger place to accommodate the son which he planned all along. I had an exbf try this on me but I'd wised up to divorced mens antics by then.
As you've repeatedly told your bf you're unhappy, to the point of thinking of moving out. But he still doesn't care, that's it.
Go and find a man your own age and have some well deserved fun. Good luck.

I would call a family meeting. The three of you.
I know he’s his son, but he is also an adult in his own right. We’re not talking about a teenager.

I would remind them I’m not staff. Cleaning and cooking, paying bills etc is everybody’s responsability, not just yours. I would say that your relationship with your DP is at serious risk to disintegrate due to the way they both treat you. And it stops now. Or you’ll sell and each go their separate ways.

I’d then ask to son to give you two some privacy and have a good chat with each other. Explain you see the son as an adult, not as a child, and it’s innapropriate to be expected to clean/cook/pay for/ him, that you need your privacy. How is HE going to sort it? Since you had no say in the development of events? Give him a few days to think about it and get back to you.

Frankly, I would cut my loses and sell.

18 & 20 may be legal adults but as students they are still dependent.

What country do you come from where as standard, kids leave home before 18???

It is reasonable that you insist on a financial contribution. It doesn't have to be much but you shouldn't be paying everything for him. Even if it is just £25 a week.

WHY ARE YOU DOING HIS LAUNDRY???? Just stop it now.

It is reasonable that if you cook, someone else cleans up. It is also reasonable that he cooks for the family once a week.

I am VERY concerned that your Dp responded aggressively. This is not a good relationship if he is aggressive. Why would you want to live with him if he is aggressive, ever? My DH is NEVER aggressive towards me. Frustrated, annoyed, short. But never aggressive.

TowelNumber42 has it 10000% right.

*Oh cris you poor love you have been conned like many a woman before you.

Why did he and his wife split up? Lazy bastard-itis? He got caught cheating? Have you heard the reasons from her not just him?

Here's how it sounds. She chucks the lazy bastard out (maybe after cheating). He moves out to a tiny flat. Could get himself a bigger place so his children can stay over but chooses not to. Gets himself new young girlfriend who is impressed with his worldliness. Spends time and cash on her instead of finding a way to be 50/50 with the children. Moves girlfriend in. Phew. Can go back to normal where women serve men (but not too much to scare her off). "Help" her with her chores quite a lot. Make sure she accepts housework is hers and he helps. She likes playing house so this goes well.

Next use her money to get bigger house. Son annoyed at mum making him pull his weight. Disney dad says son can stay with him. Dad and son conveniently don't see mess or dirt or piss or laundry or washing up. Nice. Daft young girlie is trapped by mortgage and socialisation to be nice and have a nice home and have a man and biological clock tick tock so goes along with being their skivvy. Of course she moans and nags but all women are like that, god knows the original wife/mother whined. Pfft. Ignore it.

You've been had. You are the new skivvy with a younger body and no children if your own to distract you from tending to his needs.*

My advice-get out ASAP.

I don’t think you will get your old relationship back with this man if/when his son moves out.

How do think it would be if you ever had dc?

Tbh I’d be asking him to buy me out, go and buy somewhere else and see where that takes you.

I’d be more than happy to live with my dh dc. But, and this is the crunch, he’s had no respect for you at all and made a major decision without consulting you, one that affects you greatly

Also OP,

He said that his children will always come first and that there should be no discussions to this.. which of course i understand and told him that i don’t expect that not to happen.. but in this case, he really disconsidered me and my feelings totally!

It's not true at all, this "children will always come first" nonsense...In a family everybody is on equal footing. When children are young their NEEDS come first, simply because they are dependent, helpless and can't take care of themselves. Their WANTS, however, are a completely different matter. As they get older their NEEDS change and eventually when they reach adulthood they should become fully independent. A good parent will encourage the transition and a bad parent will give their children everthing, encourage dependency and have 30year olds still living at home rent free because their are CHILDREN..

In a new relationship like yours you really deserve to be your partners number one.
I think you made a mistake in buying together..Please don't think all older men or men with children are like that..they aren't. It just seems the one you picked is just not that into you or has no capacity to take your feelings into consideration.

Everything @WhiteCat1704 says in her last post! I have a 22 year old son & while he will be dependent on me financially for another year or so until his studies are complete, physically he no longer needs me as in he lives with friends, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals etc. Emotionally he will always have me & it's wonderful when he stays for a stretch of time over Christmas etc. However, being an emotional support to an ADULT child is very different to propping them up & babying them into adulthood. I think my son's independence is a very good thing & I feel like I have done my job well in sending him out into the world well equipped to deal with standing on his own two feet.
Personally I don't think anyone should prioritise the wishes & wants (& there's a big difference between wants & needs) of an ADULT child over their partner's - that creates entitled & dependent young adults, something this board seems to be teeming with!
@CrisS23 - your dp was very wrong in not discussing his expectations regarding his children with you before you purchased a house together & tbh in your shoes I would have assumed that children who had happily stayed with their mum post divorce would have stayed with her (while of course visiting their dad) until they got places of their own. It's not like they were young children who were going to be dependent on their parents for many years to come.
Where you go from here I don't know. I feel like if my dp were to tell me that his adult children would always come first I'd be inclined to leave as I feel he would be unlikely to change that attitude, & I'm sorry but I wouldn't be prepared to have the rest of my life dictated to by adult children - my own or my dp's.
You're young (& I don't mean that to sound patronizing) & will meet someone who will appreciate you more.

I really like to thank everyone who understood the situation and offered me real advice and not utter criticism.

I have seen so many people miss the point so badly.. and I honestly hope that you do not do the same thing in your relationships, because that would really hurt the other person, just like it hurt me that my partner disconsidered my feelings and my well being, when taking this huge step without my consent.
This is indeed the real point here.. and this is what has made me come to the edge about anything that has to do with his kids. I know it is not his children’s fault that I feel this kind of resentment towards them, and it is indeed their father who totally blew it.. but unfortunately I can’t help it anymore. I feel like a prisoner when they are here and go around the house, I don’t feel confortable at all with his son not offering us any kind of privacy to even discuss personal problems in our relationship.. heck.. I almost couldn’t even find the time to tell him that the situation bothered me and that I hate he didn’t let me know before, because we were almost never alone!
Like many of you have said, this is not normal and I should be treated like an equal.. not put down and made to shut up with “catch phrazes” like “you don’t like my children”. I also told him that this is blackmail and he is missing the point that i feel neglected and not taken into consideration.
I am not a housewife, I don’t stay home all day and have nothing to do but chores.. I have a job, I have stress at work, I have unexpected situations that I need to deal with (I am a project management consultant) and in my business things are hard. I deserve some respect and peace and quiet and time to unwind in my own house.. thing which is not respected at all, and this lack of privacy and feeling like a stranger in my own home have taken a toll on me and my emotions.
I will talk to my partner and tell him eventually that I will move out. Try and start it as temporary.. and then move it to permanent so he can see how it is to not have someone there to “always be available”.

Thank you all for your support, and to the ones who can only think of criticism: “i am honestly sorry you don’t have the capacity to understand that every person has needs”!

Good luck Cris

CrisS23 you take care... it’s sounds tough and what you thought you had signed up for hasn’t been the reality and your DP isn’t treating you well by simply shutting you down.