My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

I'm afraid I'm not "on your side" on this one. You are partners with a man who has children - why would you assume that his kids would always stay with one parent and not the other ? You're part of this family now - your partner's kids are your step children and it's pretty normal for kids to go and live with their parents at different times in their lives.

You might say that you didn't sign up for this, but by partnering with a man who has children, you actually did sign up for it. If you wanted a man with no baggage , you picked the wrong man.

Birdie6 this is not a vulnerable young lad, this is a working man of 20, who earns money, has a car and a social life. And is treating the person who owes half the house he lives in like a maid...
The person at fault here is the dad....

I think she's wishing that she'd signed up for a man who didn't lie to her over incredibly important things that affect her.

But I guess for some people, telling your partner a thumping great lie before going ahead with buying a house is never-no-mind.

@Birdie6

Like many other people here you missed the point. You missed the point that it’s not his house.. you missed the point that he didn’t even ask me if I am ok with his child moving in, he didn’t ask if I had any requests or needs into this thing.

I knew what i signed up for but i also expected openess and communication in big changes like this that also affect my life in a direct way, which i didn’t get, just remarks like “you don’t like my children” and “my children come first”.

If you would be satisfied that your partner treated you like this, well, that’s your problem. I am not.

And his son is an adult who can easily take care of himself and at least, our of respect, volunteer to cook a meal once in a while and clean his own mess!

And honestly, I have had quite a struggle getting his dad to tell him that it is not ok to walk with his shoes from outside dirrectly up the stairs into the living room, especially since I vacuum and wash the floors weekly! He did it constantly for more than a month! It took this long for his father to tell him to take off his shoes while entering the house and leave them there!
This is lack of respect for my work and taking a total piss on my standards!

I mean ffs, my dog knows she needs to wait by the door so I wipe her feet when coming into the house.. but a 20yo adult couldn’t figure it out by now by observing no one except him was doing it. His daughter got it in the 1st time she came to visit.. he had to be told more than once.
I feel my battle is useless and this kid will never have the capacity to live on his own ever!

OP, I feel for you.

I agree with other posters - it looks like he used you to buy a bigger house, he wouldn't otherwise be able to afford.

Will it be difficult for you to get him to buy you out?

To be honest in this situation I would leave. Yes you are in a relationship with someone who has children. I have adult children and I still care about them very much, that's not the point.
For him to unilaterally decide that his adult child was going to live with you, without any discussion would be a deal breaker for me, particularly as he planned it before you bought the house together. You had the right to make an informed decision and he took that away from you.
Absolutely no way you should be doing his son's washing, just stop. Sit down and have a serious talk about whether you sell, he buys you out or you buy him out. It might be sensible to see a lawyer

Just to add, my elder DSS lived with us for a few months. While DH (his father ) didn't mention it to me, he himself realised that it would be good for me to have some notice and be asked so called me to check that I was ok with it

He looked after himself and did not cause any issues in the house. He made us a meal one night a week. Now I often miss him when I get on Friday and there is no meal ready

I did miss my privacy and spent more time in my room while he was here but overall he was a very considerate guest.

Your DSS is not being considerate. He may be family but he does not sound like a considerate member of the household. Makes me wonder why you are acting as housekeeper for your DH.

The DS is an intern, does that mean his position is unpaid?

@justasking111

It’s paid... he earns money for his internship + money from the state for being a student.
He bought a car with his own money and can afford easily to live on his own.

Then start charging him 5/7 rent. Your DP can salt it away for him. But he does need to know that being an adult means paying your way. I charged my DC`s rent, but it was paid back down the line when they settled down bought their own homes as a deposit we gifted. Pocket money stops when you are in full time employment.

Money from the state for being a student?

Really?

@MitziK

In Denmark every student gets 5000dkk/month for being a student. It is the law and it is called SU. That is the equivalent of around 500£ (I think they pay some kind of tax for it also).
Research it.. they also offer it to internationals now with the condition they have a part time job with their studies.
People in this country are spoiled.. but I pay my boyfriend’s son’s burger from the salary I work very hard for.

Ah, I see - I didn't realise you were outside the UK.

@justasking111

His father said he would pay some money for his son’s utilities. Ok fair.. but I think he should ask his son to do it instead.. for the simple fact that he has his own earning.

Or if he doesn’t ask for it, then make him buy for 1-2 times a week or at least volunteer in cooking and cleaning. That would make me feel better and make me feel that he apreciates being here... not coming in and out like in a hotel. A free one even..

@MotherofTerriers and @FinallyHere

You are both right. I need to stop doing any chores that have anything to do with him. And I will. I have already started since yesterday.
Today his daugther is also coming for dinner, but she never had any kind of problems of not cleaning after herself and she was always polite. It’s like the 2 kids are coming from different houses.. seriously. And she is younger than the boy, but a lot more considerate and caring.
I would gladly switch places so she can move in, instead of him.. but unfortunately his father feels the need to pay the bills and the food of his adult son and his girlfriend to clean after him. It’s disgraceful

@hallodarknessmyoldfriend

I think I could be able to very easily get my money back. I think he realized he made a mistake by not asking me before we bought the place.. I don’t see him as the type to keep me grounded because of a loan. That can be broken easily and he can move in with his children if that is what he feels like.
Too bad there won’t be anyone to also clean after them.

Your problem isn't the step-children, your problem is your DP doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Your DP doesn't think your opinions and emotions matter, even to do with your own house. Your DP considers you to be less important than him, not the DSC, but lesser to him.

Even if the Step-son moves out tomorrow, you will be still stuck living with a man who doesn't think he needs to care about your feelings when making decisions that effect you. He doesn't care about you as a person.

You do'nt have a step-parenting problem, you have a DP problem.

Can you sell the house and start again alone? Frankly, at 30 you shouldn't be wasting your life with a man who doesn't care about you.

Your DP by not making him contribute is doing his DS no favours at all. We took money not because we needed it but because it taught him not to take us for granted. Our youngest off to uni. this year is doing some cooking, cleaning, to prepare him for independence.

@OrdinarySnowflake

True and to some extend you are right. I know the child is not the issue (of course I would seriously teach him about responsibility and maybe a bit more respect, since he seems to be lacking some of it - but it’s not my job to educate an adult).
His father is the one that failed to communicate his plans. In general he is not always like this, thus my also big shock that he didn’t even think about asking, but simply presuming I was ok with it. Might have been done without a deeper meaning, out of pure neglijence.. but that doesn’t help my case.
I made my point clear that he failed and considering my feelings, he said he understands and is sorry.. but there is no change in regards to his kid or in the distributing the chores thing that I highlighted.
It’s like he is freakin’ afraid to tell his son to clean after himself and pay his due. I don’t get that at all..

@justasking111

That is also my point.. I feel he is just making life seem easy for his son and the kid is getting used to having it like that and takes no initiative whatsoever unless pushed from behind.
It was his father who even told him to buy his own car because he cannot continue borrowing his all the time, since we lived in different cities and I didn’t see it as fair that we use my car all the time, and his son use his father’s work car (which has free gas), but I pay the full tanks for both of us.
His son wouldn’t have come with any initiative in this whatsoever. He didn’t even put the problem in his head of what will happen when he needs to drive to school when he’s not an intern anymore.. the kid is totally out of reality.. and I feel that after he finishes studying.. he will also have 0 initiative to move out. And I can’t keep having discussions like this forever.

And seriously, if you think he's going to have another baby, you really need to think again. I know you say you're not ready yet, but he'll then be in his mid-fifties when you are ready. Do you really think he's going to go for that?

Future children are also a consideration, OP. If he's been unclear about plans for his current children, you need him to be absolutely clear on whether he's prepared to have more children with you in his mid-50s...and pull his weight when they arrive.

Again, my friend in a similar situation did have children with her DH (he was mid-50s) and although he's a great Dad in some ways, she's always been expected to do the bulk of the work, plus trying to keep her own career on track and look after his older son. It's not easy and I wouldn't want to be in her position.

What are your practical options re the house OP - can you buy him out or vice versa or would you have to force a sale?

Hey there, I am a stepmom of 41, (I cannot have kids), my partner has two girls at 22 and 24, we’ve been together for six years. I find a lot of the time that my assumes expectations and his assumed expectations are completely different. In my experience (I was in another relationship where the kid was 14 and lived with us) that men, assume (probably from their earlier generation mothers) that kids that are part of the package, and they assume you will take on a certain role. (Usually down to their mums) and it doesn’t need a discussion. So you have to bring them up to date. Which means unfortunately a head on “make them understand” discussion. Sadly you didn’t get this in time. So you may have to bring it up, this is a painful thing as it will cause conflict because he may feel wrong footed and react that he is not wrong because of his assumed thoughts of how it should be. So I would say, bring it up, then let him think about it for a couple of days and then bring it up again. Give him the time to see where you are. Then work through a solution together, and let him think he finds a solution, men are actual sausages and need prompting. This is if you want the easiest and less stressful solution in my eyes. I know it’s not right, but it’s the less confrontational way I have found to be. Good luck.