My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Right now when he makes life easy for his son then life is easy for him. This is because you take on the shitwork. He can play at being fun easy going dad. Must feel good.

When you go and dad has to clean the toilet and do the washing up I bet all of a sudden dear son will be required to pull his weight.

Dad and son can avoid all this awkwardness while they have the free maid service. How nice for them. I'd love to have a skivvy so I don't have to be the bad guy forcing my children to wash their own football kit while they give me the "so unfair" teenage whining.

Troll the only thing that's going to work is her DP admitting to his DS that he lied by omission to the OP and that the two of them (ie DP and DS) need to take a good long look at how they are living in the house and amend their ways accordingly.

But even then the OP would be completely within her rights to say that as this wasn't even on the cards when she bought the house with him, it's all off, the house is sold and off they both trot.

Trollhair do you still have a relationship with the ex's 14 year old that lived with you?

It’s like the 2 kids are coming from different houses.. seriously.

It's not unusual for men who think women should clean up after the men to raise Daughters who clean up and sons who leave it for a woman.

ChrisS23 so after all the discussion in your thread what are you going to do?

@Milliy

Well for starters I will stop doing any kind of chores that him and his son should do. I will stop washing his clothes, cleaning his room, his bedsheets and especially the downwnstairs bathroom which his son mostly uses (and his dad).
If nothing changes and they don’t feel any responsibility to do anything by default (the test will be at the end of this week) I will have a chat with my boyfriend when his son is not here and tell him that the chores side of the deal never took place and I am totally fed up and annoyed by the lack of respect or commitment they ans especially his son have. I will also try and highlight that his son in my eyes is an adult and should be treated as one, not pampered and be paid for and not put to move his ass and at least clean and cook. If he has a tantrum, well so be it.
I have already started looking for places to move out to, talked to some friends.. and I want to start leaving home already temporarily to bring a signal of alarm that I was actually serious when I said I want my own privacy, especially when I am faced with stress both at work and at home.
If no changes whatsoever seem to appear and I find a nice place to stay in the meantime, where I can also have my dog (this might take a bit longer time to sort out since not everyone is accepting of pets in their houses) I will tell him to buy me out of the house for good and maybe we could keep dating living separately. And that’s basically it. If we can’t make it work.. well.. shit happens.

@Milliy yes sweetheart, we have an amazing relationship, she still thinks of me as a mum person and talks to me about problems. Her Dad has remarried but she still comes to me with bits and bobs. It's very lovely for me.

Trollhair That sounds lovely.

@CrisS23
I'm so sorry for you that it has got to the point of ending the relationship. I didn't realise it was at that point. Do you know what? Being happy is the be all and end all of our lives. Do what makes you happy. If it means trying to fix this or moving on. Only you know what is best. There are a lot of opinions on this thread. Take the best bits from them and choose if they will influence your decision. At the end of the day they are only opinions in reaction to what you have posted. Not what you have experienced. I really wish the best for you and I hope your final decision makes you a happy little sausage xx

@milly it is very rewarding. Especially when she experimented with drugs and I could steer her away from it because of my younger days experience. The girl listened! She. Now wants to have a play date with her son and my step grandson. Her mum is a good friend of mine too. However I am excluded from social nights where her dad is invited because my partner grew up with him. I don't push it. I don't want to spend my time with him. I go out with friends and have a better time than they would ever have 🤣🤣🤣

@Trollhair

Well my first intention was and is to try to fix it.. I never run away from challenges since I believe that ignorance is what ruins everything.
I have tried talking about it in an adult way with my boyfriend but the 2 times it happened I got resistance and just a little bit of understanding at the end of it.. but that is not enough. Understanding needs to spark also changes.. not just words of compassion. I don’t work like that.
If the situation totally escalates I will move out. That is the last resort And decission I wanna take.. but will do it if needed and my rights and feelings are not respected..
I need to also care about myself, not only about others who don’t even respect me.

@cris23,
Such a shame my love. Be strong and be better, if you are in Brum, give me a shout if you want to get drunk and be irresponsible. I’m your girl for that.
Sounds like you already know what’s going to happen. Be strong girl. Block you phone and opt for face to face after effects only!! Xx

It seems like a good plan to me. They certainly must share the housework fairly.

Only, if I got to the point of leaving and selling the house over this, I'd end the relationship as I wouldn't see any future in it.

@Trollhair

Hahaha you’re reallu sweet! I appreciate the offer. Unfortunately I live in Denmark so might be a bit far away for me to have a party night and fly to UK 😂 but I will not refuse the possibility! Thanks for that xx fingers crossed!

@Lweji: I also agree with you to be honest.. at first I thought just to do a trial separation and see if that sparks anything.. if it doesn’t.. then yes, it’s useless :(

Let me know! I have a spare room and you are welcome girl 👍

@Trollhair ❤️😘😘 Thank you so much!

His son just walked in the kitchen and his only question was: when is the food finished?
Help me God that I don’t kill any of them!

You sound so lovely Trollhair. Not many like you on Mumsnet now days. It's refreshing.

Please keep us posted. One of my pet hates is when people take advantage of others! Good luck.

CrisS23 sounds like you have a plan that works for you which is what matters most. He must seem more like a younger brother to you than step son to be .

Ask him how he will feel when you move in your mother in her old age? Was that not what he had in mind when buying the house? Gosh.

Should have handed the spoon to him and said "When you've finished cooking it "

Why did you not say soon.
But you can cook tomorrow.

So sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Sooner you stop acting like their cook and housemaid, the better.

I think I’d say to the son ‘see your dad, maybe he’ll cook you something’

Or ‘you’re an adult, I’m sure you can cobble something together’

All said with a laugh and a smile in good humour, but I’d still nit go cooking him anything.