My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

@Milliy shame ent it? I just comment on how I think I would react. Also building girls up and not criticising them it much more constructive than making them feel shite and worse about the situation is best. I have no idea why girls or people would do that. Very mean. Thanks my love for the appreciation 😘

If/when you have a child together, will you be turfing he/she out when they’re 20? Doubtful.

I just found this thread and I would be furious if I was in your position. I think you have made things harder on yourself by continuing to do his cooking and cleaning, so stopping that at once is a very smart move. “Your dinner’s at Mc Donald’s - off your go.” I would also stop cleaning up after DH and start only looking after yourself. How dare he have such a plan and not discuss it with you. You have every right to be mad about this - especially when he manipulates you when you try and discuss it in a reasonable manner.

Oh, and I guess you are entitled to ask for rent and board from your step son too. You one half the mortgage, and buy half the food.

If/when you have a child together, will you be turfing he/she out when they’re 20? Doubtful.
Not once did the op say she wanted to turf dss out! Her issue is around the fact that her dp moved his ADULT son into a house that the op half owns without consulting her!!!

@Magda72

Some people simply don’t get it and continue to be totally unaware of the real issue..

@justilou1

Believe me I feel exactly like that. For the simple fact of not being resonable and sharing his plans with me.. I have gotten to a limit when I can’t take anything anymore from them both. The kid is not as educated and as considerate as I thought he was in the start.. and I can’t start educating an adult. I simply refuse to play his mother’s role!
His father is paying some extra to the rent, just because.. but I find it as a totally unapropriate thing, because in this way his son will never know how to become a real adult and pay his keep. There are many people here who are divorced and if the son moves in with the other parent, ask them for rent or a contribution, which they maybe pay back to them when they move out. It’s so stupid that he hasn’t even considered doing that or at least teach him to get the hint when it’s time for him to also contribute.
I see his son as always being there since he can’t figure out what to do by himself, only pushed from the back. I really don’t wanna have the same discussion after 1,5 years when he finishes his studies.. but it still not ready to move out.
I have stopped since yesterday with the chores.. kid not doing a d*mn thing still.. his father seems to step up a bit!

I totally get you OP, you chose to live with one adult man, not two.
I'd be frankly as furious as you. The fact it was his intention all along shows his lack of respect and that he is underhand and has used you to advance his own familial relationships at your expense.

I love my privacy and would hate having to be careful of my state of undress in my own home, or wanting to slob out in front of the tv on my own or with my partner and then you are sharing the living room with another adult.

If his son sees your home as his, he will, therefore, have GFs and friends round, as he sees it as his home.

You have been doing all the chores so just stop. Why on earth are you cleaning his room and changing his sheets? That is your choice to make yourself a mug and show both men that women are domestic slaves.

However, I'd say now speaking from experience that if you stop doing the chores, it doesn't mean they ever will do them.

Your DP is a cheeky fucker but then you already know that.

I can understand you not wanting to do the mother’s part, and yet you have been - the cooking and cleaning. Probably the shopping and planning too. That would drive me nuts. I can see why you resent him. If he is there, with less working hours than both you and his dad, he should be cooking and cleaning for YOU!

This would have totally pissed me off! YANBU - he should have discussed it with you.

I really really don't understand this thread. I am a divorced mother. My kids are 18 and 16. If I was in a relationship and my partner and I moved in together my partner would need to understand that my home is always my childrens' home. Always and forever. They might go to college and come home in term time or holidays. They might move out and live with friends or partners but if those arrangements fell apart - my home will always be theirs. They can move back in. Sure do you chores, make your food, do your laundry. But my kids are mine forever, my flesh and blood and my home will always be theirs. If my partner didnt get that they'd be gone.

I have loads of friends whose 18 yr old kids didnt go to college or are having a year out. they are with them full time because the parents are still together. I know others the parents are split up and the kids are hanging out quite a lot of time at one parents. Great. Why shouldn't they? Because one parent has now got a witchy partner. Ditch her.

@Bouledeneige - people parent differently that's for sure. I don't agree with adult children having priority over partners (unless in cases of dire emergency) but maybe you do. That's your prerogative & I have my prerogative - we differ & that's ok. And if the op & her dp differ that's ok too, but the op wasn't given a chance to know if they differed because her dp didn't bother discussing his attitude to adult children with her! The issue here is that he went ahead and bought a house with her without once mentioning his parenting expectations regarding his children. As the person in the relationship with children, it was up to him to clearly state that he expected his home to extend to his adult children if that's what he wished, BEFORE he & op purchased a house together.
If I had an elderly relative who I envisioned living with me in the future & my dp & I were planning on buying a house together I wouldn't just not mention this him; I wouldn't then just move this relative in and expect dp to share his space & mind my relative also!
The OP's dp has ridden roughshod over her emotionally & financially. He's entitled to parent how he likes but he's not entitled to do it in a JOINT house when he hasn't bothered to take the other owner of the house into consideration.

I am a divorced mother. My kids are 18 and 16. If I was in a relationship and my partner and I moved in together my partner would need to understand that my home is always my childrens' home. Always and forever.

Your partner would not "need to understand that," it's your obligation to explain your priorities to your partner and then they can make decisions with full knowledge of your intentions.

OP's partner didn't eevn say to her "Listen dear, my son has asked if he can live with us M-F, he's my son so of course I want to take care of him, how can we make this work?" He just did it and then when she questioned it he got defensive.

It is very telling how some people are fixating on the "bad stepmum" angle as if the issue is her not wanting a relationship with her DP's children. If we changed it to her DP's mother or adult sibling moving in without asking OP's permission the responses would be very different.

I’d have a big spend up of sexy lingerie, and wear it every second I was in the house. Doing laundry, unloading shopping, scrubbing tiles, everything. Well, everything other than sexytime with your dh. I’d put a complete ban on that for the time being.

Then start a mental competition on who freaks out first- your dh, your stepson or his mum???

What are they gonna do? Tell you you can’t wear what you want in your own house? The solution will be obvious and swift (depending on the naughtiness level of the lingerie).

They say you can’t change other people, only yourself. So get changed, and let them do whatever suits them best.

@skittles wins! Oooooh! And buy the most UN-sexy kitten/unicorn/goat/whatever onesie for bed you can find! Let him know what he’s missing for now!

I’m sorry @Bouledeneige but you simply don’t get it. If you believe you are allowed to do anything in the house that you have bought with your partner without even bothering to ask them what they think of your decissions, then that is your issue.

As @brookshelley and @Magda72 say, you can’t just expect the person you live with to accept everything you want blindly and not even question things once! Or most importantly, have a talk and align your expectations. What you fail to miss is that I don’t wanna kick anyone out and I wouldn’t have from the start. My partner took this decission without consulting me or even caring how I feel. I don’t like to be neglected in important matters, especially if they affect me!
And the fact that you started with “i am a divorced mother”, says everything about how you perceive the partner your husband might have. You can’t just not ask people how they feel about moving their relatives in. Even if they are kids, mothers, fathers, brothers etc.
If it was his mom or dad and I had somethinh to say about it, it would be ok.. but God forbid I ask his ADULT son to do chores in MY house where he lives for free!
Oh come on cause now i am simply getting annoyed again over people’s ignorance!

Some people simply don’t get it and continue to be totally unaware of the real issue..

I'm not sure you get it, tbh.

There are two issues.

One is that they are treating you like a servant/mother and expecting you to clean after them, which seems worse in your eyes because it's his adult son. Everyone agrees with you on that one.

The other is that he should have consulted you before his son moved in. This is where some pps (including me) are saying you're at least a bit unreasonable. It's an issue of expectations and communication. Ywbu by never having considered the possibility of him moving in. Your partner isn't a great partner if he never talked to you about his plans (if those were his plans, not just a possibility).
I don't think he should have asked your permission as such, but if he had plans and just imposed them on you without talking about them, it's not great news for your relationship. Even if you were both his parents, you'd have talked about how an adult son moving in would work out, I'd expect.

I'm writing this because if you just tell him that he should have asked you permission to move his son in, he will probably just tell you, as before, that it's his son, etc
But of you discuss how they are treating you and the communication issues, it's a different discussion.

I think it is time for a house meeting.
Some need it to be payed out for them that they are no longer children.
We did this when ours finished secondary school.
Round table discussion about how everyone in the house is an adult and not all the chores should fall to one person.
Chore chart then completed.
It did require some push back at times. I would get a phone call saying they could not cook on designated night for x reason.
I would respond with ‘ a
Swap nights with someone or put on a slow cooker.’
It soon stopped the phone calls.
Good luck

It was interesting to see the change in their perception of themselves as adults who happened to share space with their parents rather than children who expect it all done for them. All chores are shared.

@Lweji

I expected him to move in from time to time, yes. Honestly not permanently since in my eyes, like I said, he is an adult with a paycheck who can easily take care of himself and even live alone or with friends like every 20 yo I know here that went to college.
He simply chose the easy way into this.. and his father is indulging him with not preparing him for being on his own in the near future. The boy has no responsibilities whatsoever and can’t do anything unless being pushed from behind. Does that sound to you like any kind of chance that he would come one day to me and his dad and say “ok guys, thank you for everything, now I am moving out on my own”? Cause to me it certaintly doesn’t.
If the problem would have been discussed with me before I would have set ground rules and made him “work” or at least contribute for being here.. not treat him like a guest, which I thought he would be for a short period of time, which ended up becoming permanent without my knowledge. And not the subject became so taboo that if I approach it I get resistance.
And no, it’s not asking for permission, like you put it, but asking if I had any conditions or wishes into this, considering it is also my house. If I want my parents or a friend to spend the night.. I need to take them to a hotel cause his son is using the guest room and can’t be barged to go to his mom for 1 week?
This is what I mean.. there are no rules established and when I tried doing that or even understanding what the heck is going on, i got screamed at that “I don’t like his kids”.

You should understand that my rights and my feelings are being stepped on and have been, and that the father is reluctant in educating his boy into becoming responsable and considerate!

So what exactly is then expected of me? To shut up and take it cause he is his son and I signed up for this?
No, I did not! I signed up to buying a house where I feel like home and not clean after a 20yo who doesn’t even feel the need to appreciate what me and his father offer him!

I don't have the time now, but I'd advise you to read my post again, as you're misrepresenting it.

@Lweji

And yes, I put the problem like you say. That I am not appreciated and that I don’t feel responsible for cleaning the toilet and the clothes of a 20yo. He agreed, but no changes until now.
I tried telling him that sometimes I need to be alone because I am stressed at work. His answer: “so what am I supposed to say to my kid? To go home cause you feel like shit?” .. and I also told him that it was not fair to not tell me, and yes he also agreed to that. And that’s it. No changes, no improvements, no coming with “son let’s clean the toilet”.
I have a thing called respect in which I say once, twice.. but if no one does shit and the situation annoys me.. then I do it myself and not sit in my own house with food left on the table and sheets unwashed.
I get the situation and I have adressed it exactly as you and others have advised, even before being advised.. but it is all the same!
Of course I am pissed.. and of course I am starting to resent the kid, without his knowledge even, because the situation got out of hand and on my nerves!

You know what is wrong. You know they are taking the piss. I am unclear on what you want from this thread.

I think most parents wouldn't give a second thought to their child living with them, even as a young adult, which is why your partner never discussed this with you, he assumed it would be fine.

I totally see your side, however If your partner is a good parent, then I'm afraid you are unlikely to get your way here unfortunately and you will need to accept the situation if you want to stay with your partner. Hopefully he will move out in a few years, but you need to be prepared for him to stay for a good while yet.

@TowelNumber42

Exactly. I do know that. What I wanted from this thread is to see if I am being completely unreasonable in this circumstances or if I am right into being pissed off and taking further action into this.
Because if 90% of people said “Cristina, you’re a b*tch, chill”, I would have maybe said “ok fine.. I’ll shut up and be the same”.
But that is not what people are saying, they are saying I should stop doing things for his kid and I should continue to pursue for changes or just leave if no one gets it.
And that is what I wanted to hear, that my feelings and rights have been totally stepped on and neglected and that I have all the rights in the world to ask for changes. That’s it.

All the useless discussions around it like “what did you expect” and “you don’t get it that he is his kid” are useless. And continuing any thing on it is again useless. Because people are telling me something or nothing again and again and I have to explain 5 times in a row what exactly is wrong and how I feel.
I know something is wrong and what, otherwise I wouldn’t be here asking for advice from people on how they would tackle the issue after my 2 failed attempts and creating changes.