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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas Sharing

130 replies

Morganj28 · 03/12/2018 09:09

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

I have an idea of what I think it should be like in my head and it’s what I did as a child. But I want to see what other people’s opinions are to see if it’s a sane request or unreasonable.

So, I’m a step mum and it’s my OH daughter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TwistedStitch · 07/12/2018 13:26

Stokie you were very keen to demand the credentials of other posters yesterday to see if their experiences were relevant. Can I ask if you have experience of being a lone parent with sole financial responsibility for your children, like ohreally is?

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 13:41

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

@TwistedStitch this was my original post.

I did not ask bitter mums who clearly hate their ex partners what they do or don't do with their children.

Her contribution to this thread is of no value or use to me.

My speechless comment was in response to the 'it's grates on me' comment.

My partner financially supports his child, see's her EOW & a night during the week. He pays for her to do ballets classes and swimming lessons. He attends parents evenings and school nativities. He pays for her birthday parties. She has birthday and Christmas presents. Is very much loved and wanted.

So I really struggle to see the connection between our life at the life of @ohreallyohreallyoh

My other half would much rather be the full time care provider for his daughter rather than a 'part time dad'. As I said previously some people don't GET THE CHOICE! Perhaps I'll let mum know this and get back to you with how it goes?

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 13:46

Exactly! DP would much rather be the full time care provider but that'll be over his ex's dead body (literally!).

Re Christmas. Every other year his ex has refused to let him see her Christmas Day but we've been 'allowed' to see her Boxing Day. So he picks up Boxing Day morning, brings her back. She opens presents, we have some sort of roast dinner. She gets to play with her toys with us for a bit and then he has to drop her back. This year we're not even allowed that So we'll be seeing her almost a week after Christmas (30th Dec) and then we have drop her back the evening of New Years Day. We'll do a similar thing with presents and lunch but may also try to get out for a walk too. Will be seeing family new years eve so she'll get to open more presents there.

TwistedStitch · 07/12/2018 13:46

Well you aren't the OP Stokie and even if you were discussions evolve and being valuable to you luckily isn't a pre-requisite for allowing people to post. Ohreally was adding to a topic that had already developed amongst other posters with her personal experience.

TwoBlueFish · 07/12/2018 13:46

We used to spend Christmas with mum and New Year with Dad. We lived several hours drive away from Dad so wasn’t possible to do Christmas Day with one and Boxing day with the other. When we all lived in the same city it was a bit more fluid but we still generally spent Christmas Day with mum (Dad wasn’t a huge fan of Christmas)

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 13:52

@TwistedStitch THIS IS MY THREAD! Shows how much you've even read it. Clearly just wanting to put the boot in.

Bore off.

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 13:54

@PoesyCherish we have the same as you. Last year we didn't see DSC until 29th January. And I imagine it'll be the same next year.

TwistedStitch · 07/12/2018 13:55

Well then you have clearly namechanged part way through it. But like I said it doesn't matter anyway, you don't own the thread or get to dictate who posts here, it's a public forum. People come with a variety of perspectives that might be relevant. So no, I won't bore off. If I want to contribute to a thread I will.

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:00

@TwistedStitch pretty sure you had the same attitude on the other post.

Screw the dads & screw the step mums/ dads girlfriend/dads fiancés/dads wife. ALL HAIL THE BIOLOGICAL MUM!

The funny thing is you say it's an open forum. I don't have my own child so as of yet, I've not even clicked onto the 'being a parent' forum.

The only two I float between is Conception (because we're TTC) and step-parenting (cause that's what I'm doing). But now I know that anyone can go anywhere I'm going to become a troll like you and jump on a few parenting threads and tell all the mums like you their raising their children wrong.

TwistedStitch · 07/12/2018 14:04

Screw the dads & screw the step mums/ dads girlfriend/dads fiancés/dads wife. ALL HAIL THE BIOLOGICAL MUM!

Nah I'm pretty consistent in my view that with two involved parents it is fairest for Xmas to be alternated. That is from my perspective as a stepchild who grew up with a stepmother and as someone who has been a lone parent. Not sure why I'm a troll but there we go.

Herja · 07/12/2018 14:17

Last year we swapped halfway through Christmas day. It was bad and the kids didn't like it. This year I have them from halfway through Christmas eve to boxing day morning, then ex has them until tge morning of the 28th. We will be alternating this each year.

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:24

@Herja I think swap over on Boxing Day morning makes the most sense. Who wants to leave their parents half way through the day (pretty sure it's the presents not the parents they care about at this point lol)

dontknowwhattodo80 · 07/12/2018 14:30

Not a step parent but a resident parent

DS1 is 15

We don't have a formal arrangement. I wait to see if DS's dad asks to have something over Christmas, but generally speaking he doesn't. Coincidentally he lives a few miles from my in laws ( 50 miles from us) who we see Boxing Day afternoon , so I normally offer to take DS to his Dads after that event.

Ex tends to put in minimal effort in general, so will take up the Boxing Day evening as DS is brought to him and he hasn't had to do any travelling

TBH DS loves it the way it is so unless Ex demands to have him I don't push it

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:32

@dontknowwhattodo80 love that you still see your in-laws.

I'm guessing if you Ex asked to see your DS on Christmas Day you'd been willing to come to some form of agreement though?

PinkGinny · 07/12/2018 14:36

@Zampa it is indeed important to share the celebrations and the hoovering. But when one parent wants the celebrations but is never seen with a hoover in their hand so to speak then surely you can understand why the other parent is fucked off?

Doesn't apply to me by the way my ex and I were 50/50 from separating, until as teens the children choose to change that arrangement. For lots of reasons not relevant to this discussion.

Mrspotter12 · 07/12/2018 14:36

We've had my dsd once for Christmas in 14 years. She is an adult now and still only goes to mums ....

dontknowwhattodo80 · 07/12/2018 14:37

@stokieginge - oh yes definitely. He was offered Christmas Day when DS was little but when he realised I wasn't offering to drive him over he turned it down. In more recent years I haven't offered anything. DS1 is clear that he wants Christmas at home and as a teenager I stood by what he wants, if his Dad wanted him I would try and convince DS that it would be a nice idea but I wouldn't force him

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:40

@Mrspotter12 I feel like in 14 years I'll be posting a similar post to you.

Hopefully that won't be the case.

Did you DSD have contact on a regular basis despite Christmas Day?

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:45

@dontknowwhattodo80 funnily enough in our little dynamic were the ones that have to do all of the driving. I don't think in three years mums has picked up or dropped off on more than a handful of occasions. Even when she changes plans. But hey that's another story 😂

Mrspotter12 · 07/12/2018 14:47

stokie pretty much every three weeks or so she'd come for a weekend and half the summer holidays. But if she had parties or family visits they'd get priority over us.
We have and always have had a good relationship with DSD but mum would always point out that she'd be alone for Christmas so DSD always chose to stay with her.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 07/12/2018 14:51

@stokieginge , I was advised ( many moons ago!) that I didn't have to do any of the travelling as it's Ex's contact and should be his to deal with. We share though as I know he wouldn't be able to afford to cover all transport and it is important to me that they have a relationship

I do however expect Ex to deal with any additional contact I.e holidays/Christmas

Zampa · 07/12/2018 14:52

@PinkGinny It doesn't matter how "fucked off" one parent is with the other. Children aren't weapons and withdrawal/denial of contact is generally not in a child's best interest.

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 14:54

@Mrspotter12 there it is, makes you wonder if she purely stayed there out of guilt or whether she just wanted to stay with mum.

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 14:54

mum would always point out that she'd be alone for Christmas so DSD always chose to stay with her.

This is the same for us. It was the same when we first had overnight contact too. DP's ex would almost constantly bitch to DSD (who was 4 at the time) that she'd be alone if DSD came to ours. Caused no end of issues our end.

@stokieginge don't you know that the stepparenting board is the one place on MN where it's free for all, pile one are encourage and obviously golden uterus syndrome is rife amongst the first wives club??

christmasiscancelled · 07/12/2018 14:54

DSS spends Xmas eve with his mum and then comes to us later on Xmas Day but only for a few hours

His aunt on his mums side has a big party in the evening and all his cousins are there and he loves going so we wouldn't stop him or ask him not to go.

He stays with us on Boxing Day we normally go to the carnival although this year will likely get ditched for his friends (he's 15) but will come to us at night

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